This is the first time for me to post something unrelated to cakes, but I need a shoulder right now.
Yesterday, after a fun and successful Father's Day celebration, my 8 year old daughter shares one of her concerns about school just before bed time. I have come to learn that she has basically spent every recess during the entire school year moping around by herself. Mind you this is their last week of school and she never mentioned anything until now. My heart completely sank and I felt so horrible. I asked what has been happening and she says that her friends play games like chase around other kids and pretend to form couples and get married. She thinks its silly and is just not interested. My DD is the youngest in the entire 3rd grade class I think, but she is very mature, very respectful of others and totally follows every rule by the book.
I feel that this is partially my fault. I really don't do play dates for either one of my daughters simply because their schedules and school work does not really leave them with much time. Now I am beating myself over the head that I denied my daughter the opportunity of establishing close bonds. She says outside of recess everything is fine but why do I feel like such crap and that I totally let her down. I know we can't always protect our children and they have to go over so many hurdles during life, but in this case I take the blame. I feel even worse because I was completely oblivious and took for granted that everything was fine. By looking at her and her demeanor, she is very happy, sings, dances all the time, her baby nieces and nephews adore her. I don't know if I am over reacting or is this a phase most kids go through at this age before establishing real friendships. I am just sick with guilt..... Sorry so long but I just need to let it out.....
Don't beat yourself up. Our kids will go through many hurts and disappointments, and our hearts will break right along with them.
It's not too late for her to form friendships. It's harder because bonds have been formed already and she may be outside them, but not impossible to make new friendships. We moved around a lot when I was young and I was always the new kid in a school where people had been close friends for years. So I know what that is like. But there are always people who either welcome new friends or are new too - the opportunities are there. It's great that you have identified that you could be more helpful to her. But try not to step on her toes too. Try not to project what your fears are onto hers. Talk about how she feels, what she would like to do about it, and be there to help when you can. You certainly can't form the friendships for her, but you can offer to take them to a movie, sign her up for lessons/social events, and most importantly just be supportive of her.
We moms are awfully hard on ourselves. We often feel like whatever is difficult in our children's lives if our own failure. But there's always tomorrow, and things can be worked on. It's our job to be their cheerleader. Let the past go, and work on today and tomorrow. She is fortunate to have a mom sensitive to how she feels and who wants the best for her!
but don't miss HER point of view --
"It's SILLY!"
and you yourself said "she is very mature"
very possibly you have an "old soul in a young body"
one of those people who will always be wise beyond her years...
and that WILL work to her advantage as she grows older.
one of my best students, Deidre, came into HS as a freshman and within a couple of weeks, everyone just called her "mom" -- that's how "old in the soul" she was. She had her little family, complete with brother/sisiter/aunt/uncle/cousin designations for all the folks in it. She was SO level headed, so unflappable it amazed me! -- she even took to "mom"ing me! (aka grandpa!)
very possibly she want more "mature" types of social activities. Is she in extracurricular classes (dance, music, martial arts, etc)? those might appeal.
and you say nieces, nephews, cousins adore her...so obviously she know how to connect.
and you say she seems happy, dances, sings -- so it appears she's ok -- just not a real fan of what she deems "silly" (can you picture it? her, hips on hands, telling the other kids in her class -- OH grow up!)
I wouldn't push the panic button just yet.
tho I would be prepping for lots of eye-rolling and "Oh, mother!"s to come your way.
It could have nothing to do with not having friends and just be about what she's interested in. If she is more mature than most kids her age she could easily see the chasing games played by kids that age as silly and no matter how many play dates she goes on that probably won't change.
Not every child is meant to fit in completely and while we want our kids to be popular it doesn't always happen.
I have one of those kids who doesn't always fit in, he can understand alot of adult humor and is reading stuff that his classmates won't touch for a couple more years. He gets along with the other kids and has friends but I know there are times when he's out of step and there's nothing I can do about it.
If she has the same problem next year, I would just make sure she has some books or something to do during recess. Does she play any sports? Maybe that would give her a group to join at recess.
Once the other kids start maturing, she'll start enjoying recess more. I don't think you've denied her any opportunities to form close friendships. Kids change, she'll find somebody. Plus, next year there might be a new kid who is like her. 
Don't beat yourself up. I have been wishing that we didn't do so many playdates, I really dislike my daughter's best friend, Megan. My DD is 7, and Megan is 8. My DD told me yesterday she's being Megan's "lawyer", which she thinks means that she is supposed to do all the bad stuff, so Megan doesn't get in trouble. I told her that no, that makes her Megan's butt monkey, not her lawyer.
kbochick wrote "I told her that no, that makes her Megan's butt monkey, not her lawyer."
kbochick, you made me laugh 
.
Thank you all for your words.
Doug, I think you said it best when you described her as an "old soul". She definitely has that maternal thing down pact at her age. I know she still has middle school to get to in sixth grade where 2 other schools will join the mix.
I also do not think she is doing anything wrong by not participating in these recess games and I would never ask her to do something she is not comfortable with. During parent/teacher conferences I have asked both current and past teachers how she is socially. The teachers all say that all the kids like her and respect her and many times she contibutes as an "outside thinker" which in turn sparks the other students to ask similar questions.
I just want to give her some advice to let her know that being on the "out" does not necessarily mean a bad thing. She is in chorus club and plays the violin. She's not really interested in sports just yet.
I will do what I can. Gosh, we look forward to them growing up and becoming more independent but some of these "real life" experiences can be brutal.
Thank you all.
The first thing that came to my mind was "why didn't the teachers express a concern?"
but after reading your last comments, it seems like the teachers think she's ok.
My son's class is full of boys and almost all of them belong to some team sport together. My son, on the other hand, has zero interest in baseball, soccer or any onf that. He loves, however, swimming, gymnastics, rock climbing (the lone sports). BUT....he gets along with everyone in his class...they like him and he likes them....even though they don't have the outside-school relationships....I'm not worried....kids are all different....I'm sure she'll be just fine!
Speak to her teacher, if she realises that your daughter is a bit lonely at playtime she can do things like putting your daughter in different groups for activities that expose her to new people and possibly new friends. I don't know how US schools work but we have lots of things to do for lonelychildren including setting up friendship groups, introducing new games / activites to the playground that your child might enjoy etc. I think your child's teacher needs to be aware of this as you'd be suprised at what a difference the things they can do could be.
Your child may not be so much lonely as bored at break times. I teacher ten year olds and their friendships ebb and flow all the time and you may find that next week she's totally ok again. I promise that us adults worry far more about it than the children!
"like her and respect her"
what more can you ask? esp. the respect!
----
"outside thinker" -- go girl -- those are the ones who see things in a different light and ask "why not?" -- the ones who question the status quo and therefore bring about new ideas and progress!!!
and musical to boot! a touch of the artist! 
Wow, you're daughter sounds like son in some ways.
He had a few friends in first grade and can usually get along well with all kids.
He's an only child so he's been around adults most of his life, so he tends to think more adult like sometimes. My MIL thinks that he should go to a different school because she thinks the kids at his school are mean to him. My son has told us things that have happend to him and my husband and I both agree that he is fine right where he is at.
During one of the recess periods at school he was playing kickball with some kids. The team that he was on said that they didn't want him on their team and that he belonged on the other team. My son went over to the other team and they told him the same thing. Well, he went back and forth one more time and then decided that if they were goign to be that way that he wasn't going to play with them.
He walked away! I was so proud to hear him say that. 
But at the same time my heart hurt for him because I grew up being the outsider sometimes because I was shy. (I also was an only child, loved music and art, read books all the time and read several levels above my grade level.)
As long as the other kids are respecting her and not picking on her then I'm sure she will be ok.
Noosie your daughter sounds like me!! I was more interested in choir, piano, and violin lessons. I did have friends, but if they played their "silly games" during recess I would read a book, or listen to music. I got along fine with my class mates, my teachers would always say that I was well liked. My best friends now are people I went to Jr. High and High school with. She has plenty of time to form those bonds, she will find others with similar interests. You have nothing to worry about, she just has to wait until the other kids catch up to her!
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