DH works really long hours (not by choice, it's mandatory overtime). He works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, plus has a 2 hr round trip commute every day. I know this completely wears him out and I appreciate the fact that he does this to provide for our family. But here's the problem...
Because he's gone so much, when it comes to the day to day activities and chores, I'm on my own with the kids. We have a routine that works for us, and we stick to it like glue, because otherwise I would never get everything done. (to all you single parents out there, you have my undying admiration, I don't know how you do it!!) DH works swing shift, so half the time he gets home around 8 pm and the other half, he leaves for work 30 minutes after we get home. So we really see very little of him. I know you do what you have to do, and I do want to say again, he doesn't have a choice in the matter and he keeps this job because it provides very well for us.
The problem is, when he is home, he's no longer a part of our daily family dynamic. The kids and I have a set way of doing things that he's not a part of. I don't want to tell him to do everything my way, but when he disrupts our routine, I'm the one who has to get us back on track. For instance, he was home this morning to help me get the kids up and ready to get out of the house (they go to day camp while I'm at work). They were out of bed a full 30 minutes earlier than usual, but we were still late leaving the house, because the routine was thrown off. Before 7 am today, I had one kid with a bloody nose and another one refusing to move off the couch, saying daddy was 'mean' and a VERY cranky husband who was raising his voice to everyone, including the cats.
So how do I make him a part of our family again? I'm the full time parent, and I need him to work with my schedule. His 'help' doesn't help me because the kids have gotten used to the way I do things. Everyone has different parenting styles and most of the time the kids are used to dealing with either mom or dad. But since all they get (mostly) is mom, they don't react well with him anymore. So what little time we do get with him usually ends up with all of us being cranky and disagreeing about something.
Sorry this is so long and rambling, but I'm just tired of feeling like we're at odds. We used to be able to work together really well, now he's out of touch and I don't know how to get him back. I know he feels guilty about how much he's gone, but he also has that little devil on his shoulder saying "I work hard, now I'm home and I shouldn't have to deal with anything."
Any advice is very much welcome, but thanks just for letting me vent!

I know where you are comming from. My dh also works crazy hours leaving all the chores up to me. He would go to work at 7:00 a.m., leave that job at 2:30 for the next (his own business) job and come home around 9:00 p.m., then go out of town all weekend, come back home around 6:00 p.m. Sunday. If for some reason he was home at a normal time he would sit at his computer and work on his speciality business. If I requested his help in lifting something or moving something I had to just about go to war to get him to help. The decision was made two weeks ago that he would retire from his teaching position and just work on his personal business. Yesterday was the first day on his new schedule. He is also helping our son remodel a house he just moved into. Any time I ask for help I am nagging. If I make a decision to hire help, then I am wasting his money. If I try to ask a neighbor for help, then I should have waited for him. I can not win and I am exhausted. Buy the way, dh does not always mean dear husband, when he acts like this I guess "darn husband" would be the kindest way to phrase it. Some people say talk to him, which I have and for about a day he tries to help. Then, its back to same old self. It doesn't help when people keep complimenting him on his speciality business. It just encourages him to work harder.

Your husband probably feels like he doesn't have control anymore and is trying to take back the head of the house. He needs to understand that for things to run on schedule, that the kids need consistency. When this finally sinks in he will see how he can help instead of disrupt schedules. Maybe he can find a time that he can have his time with the kids. Get them up earlier or have a late evening play date with them one night a week. Let him decide on what time he wants so that he feels in control again, then just adjust your schedule to fit. He just has to stick to the schedule and not make excuses that he doesn't have time after he makes his decision. Good Luck

I don't have experience from the parent's perspective, my husband does some side jobs and stuff after work but he's normally home at least 3-4 nights a week by 6pm. All of my advise is coming to you from the child's perspective, my father was a tank commander and when he was living at home he would often be working long hours or in the field for weeks on end.

You need to give your husband the schedule and insist that he sticks by it. I know that he might have a different style than you but it's terribly hard on the kids. Every time my father would come home he would come in like a storm and expect everyone to do things his way, never mind that he hadn't been home for years at a time. When a single parent remarries the new spouse is advised to be mindful of the way things are done and give time for adjustments and I don't see why that isn't followed when parent's can't be around as much.

I understand that your husband has to work the long hours he does but I think that because of that HE needs to make adjustments, it's not about which of you has better methods but what's going to be best for the kids.

I think ym husband falls into this too. He works two jobs. On job is from 6am-2pm and the second is 3:30pm to 9:30 or 10:00 pm. He has one whole day off and one half day off. When he is home sometimes, I wish he would just go back to work because he isn't helping at all. I ask him to help me do things and he won't. He falls asleep all day. I tell him to wake up, because it's not fair that he can go to sleep and I can't. I'm tired too. When he works I stay up all day. I can't leave my kids at home with him on his day off (like if I need to go to the store). When I come back everything is a mess because he fell asleep. He doesn't listen to the kids when they go upstairs. If he is on the phone he doesn't keep an ear out for them either. Same with the darn tv. It is so frustrating. When my son was in school, I had a certain way to do things. One day he decides to wake them up earlier then normal and they were all WAY too cranky. So I had to tell him next time just let me do it. I know how you all feel. I feel the same way. I've tried talking to him but that doesn't help, so I just gave up.

Thanks everyone for the support. I really want to print this out and show him so he'll see that my 'my way or the highway' approach really is appropriate here! LOL
Seriously, though. I guess maybe I should lower my standards some. Maybe I expect too much. I do want his help whenever I can get it. In addition to working full time and doing cakes on the side, I'm nursing a back injury, so I need a break whenever I can get it. And every mom out there knows that there are times you'd MUCH rather work a 12 hour shift than juggle 2 kids' needs and demands at dinner and bedtime. But maybe it's not fair to ask him for help and then demand that he do everything just like me.
Well, his job has said that they're going to shorter shifts by the end of the summer, so if we can just hang in there until then... Luckily, he's used to me being very outspoken about frustrations in our lives, so if I can phrase it right, maybe he'll see where I'm coming from.

Maybe you should leave a little room for some sort of compromise. Your home should be a place where you all have peace. Just take into consideration what he does in a 24 hour day. Long hours, 6 days a weeks AND a 2 hour commute!! Just the commute alone can drive anyone nuts with traffic, road rage, gas prices, etc.
I think that you have based your routine on him not bieng there. It seems like when he's there, he's interrupting your way of doing things. Just keep in mind that this is a family, a unit working together...not a dictatorship, where you run the show alone. Why don't you figure out a way to include him in your schedule? I think it would be better for the both of you.
And always...give him some time to realx. Working like that can bring on huge amounts of stress...and stress can lead to other major health issues.
You should also do something to relax. Put the kids in a summer/day camp or something like Vacation Bible School/YMCA. Usually churches have free summer programs where you could get some "me time" for a couple of hours.

Unfortunately, DH doesn't really have a 'way'. One of the big differences between us is that I'm very organized (and, I admit it, uptight) and he's really loosey goosey. For instance, my plan for housework...do a little bit each day to keep the house clean at all times. Every day I have a plan to complete one chore. His plan for housework, don't do it until you can't find the couch. (a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much.)
I do appreciate all the points of view, because I can see that I need to keep myself in check. I can be overbearing and demanding, that's something I really need to watch. I keep reminding myself of how much he's doing and how exhausted he is every day. It's no fun to be him right now and coming home to an irritable, nagging wife isn't exactly the warm welcome he needs.
My immediate plan is to try to talk to him as much as possible, in a positive light (we miss you, how can we do more together, etc). For every problem we've ever had, the only time they ever got really big was when we didn't talk about it.

You sound so much like me...it's scary. LOL My DH works 12 hour days a lot (3pm - 3am) His "normal" hours are 3pm - 11pm, and has been working that a lot more lately; but I still see him only on weekends. I work 7am - 3:30pm.

Now, my DH and I fought for nearly6 years about chores....he works so hard at work...then, would make me have to start an arguement to get him to jump in at home. My persepective, I work full time just like he does....we have 3 kids...this isn't just "my job" anymore. He now does the laundry, dishes, and general picking up before he leaves for work. We also worked it out to where he gets the kids up after I leave for work...he dresses them, feeds them, makes sure they make their beds, gets the boys on the bus (durring school), and drops Hayley off at DC. That way...the kids still get to interact with him everyday, and I'm not taking on 95% of the responsibility.

Our biggest problem has always been finding time for "us". He loves to hunt and fish...and wants to go when he's off while I stay with the kids....so...when do "I" get to see him? And we're working on that part.....

My suggestion...if he "is" home, let him come up with his own "routine". Let him do the "morning thing" on "his days". Give you a break and him some interaction with the kids....and I'm a control freak, too.....but on this, you have to learn to let go a little...and let him feel like he has some control....good luck, hon. I know how you feel.

Oh I am so glad you started this thread BECAUSE...before this gawd awful cutback in hours for DH he worked 70 to 80 hour weeks...because he doesn't want me working out of the house. He comes home doesn't move......I do everything..which is hard to do with 3 kids....1 boy who is starting to think chores are womens work!!!! Pi$$es me off royally. I don't know about you all but my DH gets his ego very hurt if we even have a slight money problem and I offer to get a job...he then makes it hard on me...by saying stuff like...what will we do with the babies... Its so hard on me when he does that because I have raised them...nobody else...not a babysitter NOBODY....and don't get me wrong...I have no problems with a woman working and having to use daycare it is just not for me. My DS is almost old enough to help watch the girls for more then a couple of hours ( I do get him to watch them when I go to the grocery sometimes). But when I mention that to the D$#$# hubby I get shuddered off...like DS isn't ever supposed to have any responsiblities...

DH and I are NEVER on the same page when he is home...he causes a lot of havoc and he knows it. Sometimes I think he wallers (new word LOL) in his happiness because of it. So I feel for all of you!

SOrry for the rant

Wow, well, I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I hate that we're all having such a time with our DHs!!
Mine is normally pretty good about helping me out with housework, because I don't ask him to do much anymore. I long ago learned that it's just easier to do it myself, the way I want it done. He's in charge of the trash and the lawn. If I need something specific done, I leave a list on a board in our kitchen. Most of the time he gets to it eventually.
Most of our strain right now is due to his attitude when he's home, and I guess that's due to him being overtired and stressed. I'm torn between feeling bad for him and wanting to tell him to suck it up and enjoy his family what little chance he gets. (I know that sounds harsh, I'm looking for the middle ground!)

Oh girl! Even though I do feel for you, being a parent of 4 kids and one on the way, it could be alot worse:

*He could have normal hours and choose to spend his evenings at a local bar with friends.

*He could be out carousing with other women.

*He could be depressed and sucidal.

*He could be lying around on the couch all day and not even have a job!

*He could spend all of his spare time looking at internet pornography(not likely, since you're always on CC).

*He could verbally or physically abuse you or your kids.

When we were first married, we needed marriage counseling bad! The counselor almost fell on the floor laughing at me when I told her my biggest complaint was that he sat around and read his Bible ALL THE TIME!! She finally stopped laughing and addressed the fact that he had other responsibilities that were just as important.

It doesn't matter what problem you're facing because it's very real and needs to be talked about with your DH. Don't let these feelings turn into bitterness and hatred (been there), please talk to DH.

Having said that, my DH never finds the time to lift his finger to do anything around the house, except me!! (OK, he's helpful with the kids too, just not housework)

The Preacher's Wife, Sherri

You're so totally right about that, Sherri! I do feel kind of stupid, "oh my DH works too much to provide for us..." when so many other women have such serious problems with their DHs.
I'm sure we'll be okay...even if I wanted to, I seem to be incapable of letting things fester...like yesterday, when I got home from work and demanded, "Why didn't you do the $#@* dishes like you said you would?" (after he had been home all day) That wasn't nice of me...but we resolved it. We maybe don't have the ideal communication, but at least we do communicate! I keep telling him, we'd get along much better if he would just do as he's told! (that's a joke, don't flame me!!!)