First off, I would like to apologize for posting something so heavy so quickly on the boards. But this issue has been weighing heavily on my mind for a few months now. I can't post it on my "other" board (a pregnancy/parenting board) because I've been there for 7 years and too many people know me IRL. I'm afraid of the repercussions associated.

So here it goes - please forgive the length:

I am a happily married woman of 10 years. I have two children - a 6 yo son and 4 yo daughter. My other passion besides cakes is singing. Currently I sing in a local community choir. This is my first year associated with the choir. I'm in heaven singing.

There is a guy who is in the bass section that seriously flirts with me. In a former, single life he would have been exactly the type of person who would make me go weak in the knees. He's nice to talk to - funny conversationalist and an overall "nice" guy.

He knows I'm married. And that I have young children (the kids frequently come to choir practice with me due to my dh's work schedule). Now, I have no issue with innocent flirting. It's fun and just that...innocent.

But alot of what he's been saying lately is so very borderline "taking it to the next level". I'm a confident enough individual that it's not uncomfortable...yet.

But the latest thing he commented on to me last week is really making my head hurt. He walked into choir practice and told me I looked "refreshingly delicious" that evening. Then he told me that for "some reason" I've been featured in a number of his dreams lately. Specifially he said "some of them have been PG-13, but others rather R-rated and beyond."

Of course, his next comment is that he just likes to see me blush, and that it's all in fun. But I wonder...

I'm quite puzzled by the whole thing. I'm not at all interested in him *that way*. I'm also no concerned that he might try to make unwanted advances. Thankfully my father is a long-standing member of the choir and dad and I carpool to choir frequently.

So...what do you think I should do? Just let it go? The semester is almost over (concert is on June 16th) and then we're off for the summer. I won't see him again till September. Or do you think I should make a concerted effort to actively avoid him so as to not give him the wrong impression that I'm interested?

I'm not sure what to do. Thanks for the advice.

I know you said it's a community choir, but is it a church-affiliated community choir??? Any way around, the fella has guts. The next time comments are made, I'd laugh him off, treat his comments as a joke, remark on what a boring dreamworld he must have since everywhere you go, your kids go, that type of thing. I'd also not be alone with him if possible.

The choir practices and holds its concerts in a church - but not the church I attend. I'd say about 1/2 of the members of the choir are also members of the church.

I don't think he attends the church himself either.

I agree with LanaC. Laugh it off and force him to see that you consider it a joke. That will make it clear to him that you don't take him or his advances seriously. It sounds like he's testing the waters about 'taking it to the next level' and maybe if he understands that you're not interested, he will back off.

You're not going to like what I have to say but it's what I would do. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is of Joseph running away from Potiphers wife. I think it's an excellent example of how to avoid any temptation. To me my marriage is more important than anything and anyone or anything that tries drive a wedge in it or tempt me away from it is a serious threat. I would find another singing group. He sounds like he doesn't care about breaking up a happy home and that's a dangerous situation, morally. And if you are tempted by him then you need to get away from him.

Whew. Thanks goodness! Then you may have to be frank and rude and tell him his sexual harrassment is unwanted and you aren't interested in him. Because it sounds like that's what it is.

One "Wow, that was inappropriate!" ought to do it. Then you walk off. You can even smile and such... and on the off chance it doesn't work the first time, keep saying it (and keep walking off) every time he says something inappropriate. He'll get the point that if he wants to be around you there are certain standards of decorum that must be maintained.

If you want him to stop, tell him to STOP.

Dancing around the situation with hints or snide comments will not work. People do not get the point when you do that. Ever. They hear only what they want to hear and if you are not blatantly honest, they will use any number of ways to translate what you've said into whatever it is they want to hear.

I don't know you, I wasn't there to see how all this went down but frankly from what you've posted- he's progressed so far in his head that even if you are blatantly honest, he's going to keep it up. So if I were you, I'd be thinking ahead to what you're going to do if this doesn't work. But say STOP first.

That's my 2 cents.

As a woman who survived a very serious sexual harrasment at work, this is my advise. I did nothing about it for over a year because I was embarrased, didn't want to say anything that would cause him trouble, worried about what others would think of me if I reported him, blah blah. I realized later I had done all the wrongs things and it came back to bite me in the behind when I did finally report it. It was turned on me, I let it continue, I did nothing about it, if I was offended, why didn't I report it?
The offender had told me many times that if I reported it he would just deny it and since there were no witnesses they would believe a department manager over a lowly meat sales clerk.

Tell him right now that you want it to stop, and you must stop the innocent flirting because it is leading him to believe that you are enjoying it, that it is alright with you, and it will continue. You have to tell him you do not want this to go one day further. If he does it again tell him you will report him to the choir director, and then do just that, report it! Document on paper every time he says something inappropriate to you, write down the date, time and what was said.

When I finally got the courage to report it Safeways way of handling it was to have me transfered from a store I had been in for 22 years and was 1 mile from my house, to a store 20 miles away. The offender was left at our home store.

In my case it finally led to an HR investigation, he denied any wrong doing and believe me the things he said and did to me were disgusting. He finally did somethng to me on the sales floor and a customer saw him, I talked to the customer later and asked what she had seen and she repeated word by word exactly what she saw and heard. That was all I needed for proof. I asked her if she would be willing to be a witness for me and speak to my store manager and she said yes. She told the story to my store manager, the offender was brought in and questioned and denied ever doing or saying anything. It went to greivance through our local union as we were both members there. For some reason, under questioning that day he finally admitted the truth and was fired. He took it to court and I won the case hands down.

I sued Safeway because as it turns out the store manager admitted to knowing about it for over a year but did nothing about it. He didn't even know the rules regarding sexual harrasment on the job site and had never read the papers or posters sent to each store manager. I won my case and by then had a stress breakdown and was never able to return to work. I retired early from a job I had onced cared a great deal about. And during the court case it was revealed that he had been transfered to my store for doing the same thing to another female sales clerk he worked with. So Safeway knew all about him for at least 2 years and did nothing. It doesn't usually stop with just one woman if they find they can get away with it.

The burden of this is going to be on you for awhile. But if you want this to stop you MUST do something about it and now. Laugh at him and walk away? NO. Confront him and tell him this is to stop, Period!

Shirley -

:hug: Thank you for being open and sharing your story here. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you. I hope you have found peace in the aftermath of your horrible situation.

I sincerely appreciate you honest advice. I believe I have a good idea what I need to do now, which is to tell him that I appreciate his friendship, but that I do NOT appreciate his off-color remarks and comments. And that if it continues then I will report it to the Managing Committee of the choir.

I completely agree with snowboarder.

Nothing like straight up, to the point honesty.

It doesn't even have to be rude - just "hey, I know you say you're trying to be funny but your comments make me uncomfortable as I'm happily married.." or something to that affect. If he respected you, he'll back off. He's testing the waters and innocently flirting back is giving him the current he needs.

If he doesn't respect your request, make it known to others (the director...your father, maybe?). I don't think you should have to be run off.

Good luck!

Shirley, so sorry you had to experience something like that.

I recently went through something similar with a friend . . . he seemed happily married and devoted to his son . . . and knew I have a boyfriend who I love.

Things started in an innocent manner . . . kind compliments and such. They progressed into butt pinching, him constantly telling me how beautiful I was, how much he cared for me, etc.

It took finding out he had been cheating on his wife for me to be angry enough to actually tell him to stop treating me that way. I kept making excuses about the behaviour, my friends that we worked with were a bit alarmed by his touching me so inappropriately, etc.

Turned out, I wasnt the only girl he was doing this to. He also turned out to be doing drugs and other things that we all thought were not in his character. After all was said and done, I told him that I couldn't be his friend anymore because I felt he was being disrespectful of me and my boyfriend by treating me this way. He apologized, but I never felt it was sincere.

My friend talked to our bosses about the things that had been going around and the office hired a lawyer specializing in sexual harrassment. Needless to say, this guy was fired the next week.

Had I gone to one of my supervisors with my concerns earlier, it would not have progressed to the level that it did. Looking back, I think the best thing would have been to ask a supervisor to be with me when I confronted him. I didn't want someone else fighting my battles but I wasn't able to stand up for myself until it was almost too late.

You need to talk to your husband and father. Speak with your choir leader and ask them to mediate a discussion with this person. Let him know that his advances are inappropriate and he needs to discontinue immediately. If he doesn't, your choir leader has an obligation to ask this man to step down.

Its not about being a witch and getting someone kicked out, its about standing up and protecting yourself.

Absolutely, what Katie is saying is so true. You have to get out of the mind set of "I don't want to cause this person a problem" to one of thinking "I am not doing this to him, he is doing this to himself by his inappropriate actions"

I agree that in a situation like this hints and laughing it off isn't going to work. He will just think if he persists he will wear you down. I have been the victim of sexual harassment on the job twice and there's nothing like good old fashioned being frank and upfront with people like that. I'm not trying to be rude towards you in any way, but don't allow him to disrespect you and your family.

I agree with other ladies, sounds like a sexual harassment to me and this guy has no right to talk to you that way no matter whether you are married or not. I'd talk to him very seriously and tell him that his jokes are rude and innapropriate and I don't want to hear them, and if it doesn't help I'd let my husband explain it to him. If husband is not an option for you, there's always the police.

It makes me nervous just reading this post 'cause I've been in similar situations and wouldn't stand up for myself because of my timid, shy easily embarassed personality (which thankfully I am growing out of).

You said something that concerns me greatly. Actually, you've said it more than once and that's that this is someone you would have been "seriously interested in 15 years ago" (pre DH & kids). This guy has made inappropriate advances toward you and with what you said, you could get easily caught in a trap. It's like with many things that turn out bad, it starts out small and simple, kindof fun, and then it gets a little more serious (like playing with fire) & before you know it the whole thing is out of hand. As it stands, this situation will only get worse.

I am so glad you're searching for help! I believe you recognize how serious this could get. You MUST put a stop to this (for you, your dear husband, and your precious children).

You said, you prayed and searched your inner thoughts/feelings about this and you feel nothing toward this guy ~ not a spark. Praise God for that. It should make it that much easier to put a blunt stop to it. You know (as one who attends church) that you promised yourself to your husband and how totally God is against adultery and lust. It sounds like this guy has a sly way of trying to lure you into his trap.

It would be hard to walk away from the choir, but for the sake of your family, it would be worth it. I know you love it and want to stay though. If you are uncomfortable approaching him about this, maybe the choir director can pay attention to this guy and catch him being inappropriate. He then can confront this guy without getting you involved. If that doesn't work, then it might take you getting blunt with him. Just remember how easily Adam and Eve were lured and the consequence we all now pay as a result. I will pray for you and your choir director that God will give you wisdom as you handle this situation.

Steady2Hands: Well said!!

Good luck tonight! Let us know what happens!! Be safe!

I agree with what most of the others have said, this needs to stop and now. He needs to be told straight up he is inappropriate and to take a hike. There is NO gray area here, you are married and what he is doing is not right. Your DH and child are # 1 so if you have to quit the group then that is what must be done, worst case scenario. Just my opinion but this is dangerous!

i know its easy to say "tell him stop"
but i also know how hard it IS to tell them to stop. i've had to also and when it did; i feared repurcussions. luckly this one time it didn't cause repurcussions but even 16 years later i still remember that feeling of worry and concern.

dont worry about causinghim problems by reporting it- he's causing You and your family problems by his conduct and lack of respect. the reason i say family is as the old saying goes 'If momma ain't happy- no body's happy"

and hun- this momma (you) ain't happy.

so just smile; thank him for his - er- compliments and then ask him to please respect your boundaries and your marriage by keeping it friends

after all you (you and him) had been doing fine so far right (an outlook directed at him i mean) so why fix whats not broken?

er i mean (sorry i ramble lol) why ruin a good friendship by "going the next step" etc.

dont worry you'll be fine you have us here.. (even though you dont' know me yet )

My MIL also sings in a community choir and they also have their concerts at a church

Never fear i'm sure its not the same one

I'm just checking in this morning to see how things went last night.

The update is here: http://forum.cakecentral.com/cake-decorating-ftopict-341273.html