Is This Selfish Of Me? (Dh Thinking Of Switching Jobs For $)
Lounge By berryblondeboys Updated 4 Jun 2007 , 3:39pm by LanaC
Ok, here's the scenario. DH and I are in a rough patch... We talked last night and we are BOTH really worried about, but we are talking about it, which I always thinks means progress... being hopeful is good. We both know a big part of our feeling "trapped" is our finances currently - we are SO strapped.
So, I've been looking to find a job to make ends meet - that has always been the plan once our little slush fund ran out - which it has. Now, this has made me VERY anxious. I have NOTHING against working - I actually like it a lot, but the chaos that will ensue at home is what is worrying me. I know LOTS of dual income families do it, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Right now my 3 pm to 7 pm is SCARY busy.
Mondays - piano lessons and homework and dinner
Tuesdays - chess club and homework and dinner
Wednesdays - Tae Kwon Do and homework and dinner
Thursdays - Homework and dinner
Friday - tae Kwon do and dinner
that was until last week, now take out chess club (it's over) and add in Swim team EVERY DAY.... throw in a two year old to tow.
My husband doesn't get home until 7 pm and I've talked to him about going in early and coming home later, but he knows himself, he might spend the same amount of time at work, but the amount of work would go down as he's just NOT a morning person (and he really isn't) so he would end up needing to stay late anyway.
So... I've been really stressed. Does my son NEED to do all these activities? NO, but he WANTS to and he's always, always been super active and NEEDS that movement/exercise or he literally just spins to burn energy.
Anyway... this is where I ask, "is it selfish". DH is thinking of applying for a private sector job. A headhunter has contacted him about a local possibility and it seems like an interesting job and it would mean a LOT more money. Right now he's a PhD level economist with the US Gov't. So, he's earning gov't salary which is SOOOOOO low for his skills and education. He really likes his job though... this is where I feelt guilty... He would switch so I can delay going to work or work only part time (that would be ideal for me!)
He SAYS that he feels guilty that I'm having to scramble to find a job just to make ends meet when he can see that the kids need me and he feels guilty KNOWING he has a much higher earning potential. He says that by him insisting to stay in a gov't job will negatively impact the kids and he feels bad about that.
I won't PUSH him to find a higher paying job (as he does earn well, just not well enough for me to stay home) , but secretly I'm hoping he will and that makes ME feel bad!!!! Plus, before he says that he thinks I take it for granted that he works so I can stay at home (and I DON'T!)
What do you think?
Melissa
lots of issues:
re: son -- carpooling w/ someone else in exchange for??? (cake!, sitting service on day you're not working?, etc.) might swimming, since everyday, be enough to burn off the energy w/out the martial arts?
or should he do martial arts 3x/week and drop the swimming? (which is more passionate about and better at?)
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re: husband -- given that NO job is guaranteed for life -- what about BENEFITS (health, retirement, etc.) --- gov., if he's stays long enough, retirement can be very good -- how does it compare to the private sector job(psj)? psj better? same? worse (consider: does he have to pay part or all of medical premiums? what type of retirement plan (if any -- and there just might NOT be! could be a savings plan that co may or may not match)? etc. It's not just about the salary.
also --- will he have to commute farther/less/same? if further, that's more gas, maintenance, etc -- which eats in to that higher salary.
and what about taxes -- will this kick you into a higher tax bracket? or worse invoke the AMT (alternative minimum tax -- a straight 35% w/ NO deductions!)? that could take a serious chunk out of the salary.
and re hours -- are you both sure he will have better? will he have to take business trips?
and of course what about things like: personal days?, sick days? family leave? vacation? wardrobe requirements (don't underestimate this -- where as some one in a back office/lab gov job might be able to get by on polo shirts and khakis, in psj that just may become a 3-piece suit w/ shirt and tie -- and that level of dress can get might pricey very fast.)
consider the FULL package on the new job possibility
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not sure on VA regulations -- any way to kick cakin into high gear and use that to supplement income -- or find a job working in sector that would accommodate family better -- which, oh horrors, would probably be working in some kind of educational/child care setting (kids, kids, and more kids!)
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and then of course come the "downsizing" issues: only 1 car and you drive hubby to work or he carpools/does pub. transit? less expensive house/apt (as IF that exists anywhere w/in a 100 miles of DC! ha!)
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just some thoughts to help. -- tough decision!
In the long run, it is much more important to have a job that you enjoy than a job that pays more. If he takes a higher paying job that he really doesn't like, there is a danger that he might end up resenting you for it.
However, the decision for you to stay home was made by both of you. You should make a list. Sit down and realistically list all the ways your family's life will change if you go to work. If you can both live with it, then maybe that's the way to go. Your son may have to cut down on his activities, but he certainly won't have to give them all up. Do a little research about after school resources in your town. For example, in my town, the karate school will pick kids up at school and provide after school care, in addition to lessons. They also provide all day care in the summer.
If these are sacrifices that you both are reluctant to make, then maybe he will see that the best thing for the family is a higher paying job. Honestly, my DH doesn't like his job, he works very long hours and he's exhausted all the time. I work full time as well, but we need both incomes. He knows that he can't make the money at any other job, so he's made peace with that. Just be as open as possible about everything and hopefully your hearts will guide you. Don't hold anything back, or guilt and resentment will start to tear you apart. DH and I very nearly got divorced a couple of years ago because of a similar situation. YOU should not feel guilty at all... the only reason you want to be at home is for your family.
Sorry so long, HTH a little.
These are all valid points.
We could probably work some of the after school stuff for DS. The swimming is for two months only and instead of camps, we opted for this. The TKD is a contracted commitment for 2 years - so quitting it means we still pay the $$$.
Right now benefits are "alright" with gov't but not as good as he's had elsewhere... and true, things like retirement funds needs to be looked into. Commute and wardrobe would remain the same. Hours... well, he's gone 11 hours already... don't see how that would increase... as it's still an economics gig. All in all it would probably equal out. Plus, he never planned to stay where he is forever as it's a career stopper and most people don't stay very long... so leaving was always a probability
Taxes - no matter what, we will jump a tax bracket - if I work or if he does. That's why for our standard of living to increase by just $1000 a month, I need to earn a MINIMUM of $40,000 because of the tax bracket cahnge and daycare costs.... Kind of scary!
Downsizing - can't do. We live in a 3 bedroom townhome in a very middle of the road area. The home is 40 years old - no extras (no garage, etc). We do have two cars, but one was given back to us by MIL... one car is 7 years old the other is 13 years old (and we only insure for liability for that one and it mainly sits here for when we need two cars). He takes teh train to work (and would with the new job too - both at the mall of DC).
well, if it's a "career stopper" -- sounds like it's already stopped his career -- so could be a good time to move on.
a caveat: is the job influenced in any way by politics (as in which party controls Congress/White House) and therefore susceptible to disappearing after the next election?
$40K is a high "starting" salary -- not that it can't be done.
well, if it's a "career stopper" -- sounds like it's already stopped his career -- so could be a good time to move on.
a caveat: is the job influenced in any way by politics (as in which party controls Congress/White House) and therefore susceptible to disappearing after the next election?
$40K is a high "starting" salary -- not that it can't be done.
I have been home for 4 years, but worked before. I have a master's degree and worked in univ. admin for 8 years before staying home. My "stopping" salary was $45,000, but jumping right back into that is pretty difficult to do!
Not that his current career is a stopper, but there's not much room for going up.
And to answer another question from above - he would ONLY take a job that sounded interesting and challenging. We both know that more money does not make up for interesting work - that's top priority.
Melissa
well, if it's a "career stopper" -- sounds like it's already stopped his career -- so could be a good time to move on.
a caveat: is the job influenced in any way by politics (as in which party controls Congress/White House) and therefore susceptible to disappearing after the next election?
$40K is a high "starting" salary -- not that it can't be done.
I have been home for 4 years, but worked before. I have a master's degree and worked in univ. admin for 8 years before staying home. My "stopping" salary was $45,000, but jumping right back into that is pretty difficult to do!
Not that his current career is a stopper, but there's not much room for going up.
And to answer another question from above - he would ONLY take a job that sounded interesting and challenging. We both know that more money does not make up for interesting work - that's top priority.
Melissa
education MA?
how desperate are schools for teachers in your area?
possible to do "lateral entry"? -- ie, you don't have teaching degree yet, but will hire you while you work on it?
A major problem I often see is that the husbands will carry on as usual without sharing in the chores when the wife goes back to work. Does he understand/agree that he'll have to do more at home? If not, don't plan on sleeping much, and find a way to keep your resentment in check. Another option is to have HIM find another parttime job--he's asking you to work fulltime as wife/mom PLUS working outside the home. I was a single (widowed) mom for 18 years, and I often worked 3 jobs at once. Shoot, if I can do it, why can't a man? Another option would be for you to work nights and weekends when he's home, then the kids aren't left with sitters. This will also give him the opportunity to see how much has to be done when you're home.
Thanks everyone! DH said this morning that he'll send in the resume but he doesn't think anything will come of it (like maybe it's not a good match)... so this is probably all moot anyway.
Teachers - I've looked that route and I like the possibility, but I would have to go to school and work and take care of everything else to do it and that still doesn't solve the problem NOW.
I doubt I would be considered without extensive subbing or the teacher's certificate.
And to Lsawyer - I KNOW all the housework would still land to me since he wouldn't be home until 7 pm. he would like us to hire someone with the "big" stuff, but really, that is just the tip of the iceberg... it's the DAILY stuff that is hard!
Melissa
I doubt I would be considered without extensive subbing or the teacher's certificate.
don't be so sure...
in the "critical needs" areas, many states are bending the rules and allow people w/out teacher certif to teach so long as already have masters and are willing to take teacher ed classes -- many (if not most) can be done ONLINE, weekends and summers.
you'd just be doing the teacher methodology, pedagogy stuff ... not a full subject degree.
salary will be lower until degree completed, but then....
and most schools are desperate for subs.
I doubt I would be considered without extensive subbing or the teacher's certificate.
don't be so sure...
in the "critical needs" areas, many states are bending the rules and allow people w/out teacher certif to teach so long as already have masters and are willing to take teacher ed classes -- many (if not most) can be done ONLINE, weekends and summers.
you'd just be doing the teacher methodology, pedagogy stuff ... not a full subject degree.
salary will be lower until degree completed, but then....
and most schools are desperate for subs.
I will definitely look into it. My undergrad. was in Spanish and for most of the time I was plannign to be a spanish teacher (not ESL, but teaching English speakers spanish) and my master's is in Ed. Admin, so yes, it's an M. Ed.
I really looked into subbing this past winter, but it's soooooo sporadic and the pay would equal "IF" I were to find something EVERY day to $20,000 a year - no benefits.... not a great start. Of coruse, getting "known" means if I'm good (and not to toot my own horn, but I'ma good teacher) then they might take me on. I know this has been done and there are provisions for it... Just so many IFs though, you know?
Melissa
master's in ED...and spanish
ESL is critical area
and
many schools need principals, asst. principals....which pay very well!!
go after those positions!!!! skip the teaching (unless you really want to do ESL) and go straight for ADMIN
(in my area, so short of administrators, they're allowing retired ones to come back and "double-dip" --> earn both salary and draw retirement!!!)
don't sell self and degree short, nor set sights so low!
(and right now, is prime time for districts to be looking for administrators -- not just for school-based, but also district central office --and you could start as early as yesterday -- well July 1!)
Interesting .... where I got my degree (Illinois), you couldn't use the Ed. Admin (and it's the same degree for principal's and univ. with two courses slightly different) unless you had taught for five years..... I had just assumed it was the same everywhere.
Melissa
Interesting .... where I got my degree (Illinois), you couldn't use the Ed. Admin (and it's the same degree for principal's and univ. with two courses slightly different) unless you had taught for five years..... I had just assumed it was the same everywhere.
Melissa
lol.....(also from Illinois -- just 30 miles from the UofI flying saucer!) --
(just remember about assume) --- nope....the rules are VASTLY different state to state.
so I'd hit VA's state dept of ed website and see what you can do.
and check local colleges/universities too to see if they need any administrators/managers
I dont know how much you make or the standard of living that you are accustomed to, but in general I think people can live on less than they think they can. Last year I read the Dave Ramsey book. I started listening to him on the radio and we even took one of his seminars. But at first I thought he was CRAZY! But then my husband and i decided that we owed more money on the house than we wanted to. So we set off to pay off our home equity mortgage and put ourselves on a strict budget. We paid for almost everything in cash. And within 9 months we paid off our 26K HE loan. Now it has been a year and we have even put about 7K into our security fund. It really feels good to feel in control. I am a stay at home mom and we live in a decent neighborhood but we cant afford to keep up with the Jones' most of the time. But that is okay with us. As Dave Ramsey says "if you live like no one else now, then you can live like no one else later" So I am just saying maybe you dont need to get a job, maybe with a little restructuring you can afford to stay home. If you are interested in the book it is called The Total Money Makeover. It is pretty interesting..not a boring financial book. Good luck!
Well... my husband is an economist - he's a specialist in how to work numbers, believe me - that's hwo we have been able to have me stay home this long. And, I think for both of us, reducing our standard of living (from what we have now) is not worth the sacrifice. I cook all meals, pack lunches, by used clothing for the kids where possible and then from the clearance section of Marshall's otherwise. We have old and paid for cars, haven't done a lot with the house for home improvement - just small "need to " projects every year instead "beautifying" the house. But we won't give up piano lessons, Swimming and Tae Kwon Do for our oldest. We have cut out all those extras already for me to stay home = we really have.
Melissa
Doug is spot on with his advice. If it's in your nature, you would be golden for a lateral entry position. Different states call them different things, but they would lap you up with a spoon with your background - particularly the ESL. It would give you the schedule to be there for the functions. Some may need to be altered here or there, but most of the kids' schedules could remain the same.
That said, teaching is something folks either have it in them to do, or not.
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