Okay, this is very hard to write and very personal. I am at my ropes end and I feel like I am losing my grip. I am confused, scared, and really upset.
I have been with my bf for several years. I am not allowed to have any friends, I can't wear make-up, cut my hair, can't leave my house without permission, the list goes on. When I try talking to him and explaining that this is normal, it's not his right to take these things away from me, he tells me I don't have enough sense to act right on my own. He says that everyone is like this, it's not him. Is it?
In December I will have my Bachelor's, finally, and my mother wants to take me and her on a cruise for a weekend. I have never been anywhere, and she wants it to be a girls weekend for my graduation. He tells me awhile ago I can't go. Either I tell her or he will. I don't want my mother to know what's going on, but I really want to go. What do I do. How do I get a handle on this? I have never told anyone any of this and it's very hard just to try and write this.
Ok, a couple of questions (and I'm not an expert, but I've worked in Univ. residence life for eons and have had LOTS of training in counseling and have been trained in how to see warning signs and to know when to get people to coounseling)
The questions - is it that you "can't" do these things or that he wouldn't like it if you did? And if you did, what would happen?
My husband likes my long hair too and he would be really upset if I cut it, but that doesn't mean I "can't" cut it. I always inform him that I'm getting it cut. he'll ask how much and I'll show him and he'll be like, "OK.. but don't let them cut too much"... but that's not that I "CAN'T" do it, but that he's showing me how much he really likes my hair. If I were to tell him "HOney, my hair is getting stringy and I'm just tired of it long." I KNOW he would concede and be happy that I just informed himof the upcoming "big haircut" instead of springing it on him.
With going out - is it that he won't let you? Or that he prefers having your company?
Is he jealous? Does he have a violent side? Has he ever given you reason to believe that harm will come to you if you insist on going?
IF you have fear and if you really "can't" do these things and if it's things you are HIDING then, I think you know the answer - this is NOT normal. People should be able to have a life that co-exists with a relationship. Should you communicate with your partner your plans? and get the "Hey hon a bunch of gals won't to go out on Friday, do you mind if I go?" And unless you NEVER spend time with BF or you have other plans you forgot, then the normal answer is, "Sure... what time are you going and where aer you going?" and it becomes something just SHARE with each other. and he wishes you a good time and you wish him a good time.
It does sound troubling the way you presented it though. I just didn't want to jump to conclusions based on that alone.
melissa
Sweetie, this is NOT normal! You are in an abusive situation. Even if he has never laid a finger on you, it is still emotional and psychological abuse.
I was in a very similar situation in college, only my very controlling fiance eventually started hitting me, too. It wasn't until he threatened to kill me and my whle family if I ever broke up with him that I woke up and got help. I went to the women's center on campus and they helped me with everything, restraining order, counselling, everything.
I know it will be hard, but you need to get away from him. Most colleges have a women's center. Go there (don't let him know what you are planning, he may get violent) and tell them what's going on and that you need help.
If you need any support, I AM HERE FOR YOU! I am on cake central almost constantly - PM me any time you need to talk!
(((((HUGS)))))
Also wanted to say... you can't change him.... and nothing you do can change him.
I worked at a women'scenter on campus too andit's a great place to go. Also, the counseling center... but DO NOT TELL HIM!!!!! EVER
Melissa
I didn't catch the "you don't have enough sense" comment... Sweetie, before you have kids, before it gets harder GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. Don't tell him you are leaving, don't tell him where you are going and when you do it, be sure you have support. First step, if you have a good relationship with your mom, TELL HER. That you are hiding this from her speaks VOLUMES that you know it's wrong.
He is making you doubt your own common sense - makig you feel tha tyou NEED him. No one NEEDS a partner - who WANT them because they make your life nicer... if you aren't feelig this, it's not good.
Melissa
This is not normal. You need to get some outside perspective to help you realize how your BF is inappropriately controlling your life, and to help you understand why you have accepted his rules for as long as you have. Reach out to a family member, a church leader (if you have one), or to a crisis center. They will help you get through this.
This is SO not normal girl!!!! Get yourself OUT of this relationship ASAP. He is NOT worth it, you deserve so much better that this. He is a control freak and not letting you live your life. You only get one shot at this. There are no do overs. Don't waste one more second of your precious time with this guy!!!!! Pray for answers as to how to get out gracefully but what every you do you must get out!!!! God bless and best wishes!!!!!!
Anna
I think the fact that you posted the message shows that you're reaching out for help. Maybe you needed the push from us to tell you, you NEED to get help and get out of this relationship. His behavior is not normal and is downright scary.
First of all, I commend you for posting this here.
I think this subject touches such a nerve in me because I have such a WONDERFUL husband and I know what a great relationship can be like. I just don't want you to sell yourself short on anything less than the best. Your boyfriend is certainly not the best for you. He should be happy with you for who you are already. You also don't want him to come between you and your family.
Also, don't be scared to start over. My sister is 21 and has been with a real LOSER for almost 3 years. She knows that he is a loser. He calls her names, hits her, etc. and yet she continues to stay because she thinks that no one else will want her and it's just easier to stay than it is to start over. This breaks my heart because she's missing out on all the really great things that a healthy relationship can provide.
You will want someone who cares for you, who will support you when you need it. Someone who respects who you are. Your boyfriend is so not that person. It sounds like he just wants to control you. You need friends, you need to have fun! You only get one life and who wants to be miserable.
YOU CAN HAVE SO MUCH MORE! But you gotta make the move. I know it's scary, but think of all that you are missing as long as you are with him.
You have a great support group right here on CC! Let us know how we can help!
Brandi
You need to get out of this situation, and while I'm sure you're embarrased about it, you need to tell your mom. It isn't that you don't know how to "act right", it's that you aren't behaving according to his wishes. You are grown. You don't need his permission to leave the house. Talk to your mom and talk to her soon. There are wonderful men out there. It doesn't matter how long you've been with this guy, it's time to realize that waht he is offering you isn't healthy.
It sounds like you know his behavoir is not normal, and him being so controlling over you is completely wrong. You should have the freedom to take a trip with your mom, and everything else you talked about. He should have absolutely NO control over your hair, wearing makeup, going out with friends, ANYTHING. He can have INPUT, but not CONTROL.
Tell your mom what is going on immediately. She needs to know, it sounds as though you're fairly close as it is. She should know, your close friends should know. And I seriously believe that you should leave. Now, before wedding plans, before any kids. It will only get worse, not better. He will not change.
I completely agree with what everyone else has said. This is abuse. You need to end the relationship as soon as possible. A friend of mine is in a similar sounding situation, only with the added "bonus" of physical abuse being present. She called me at midnight one night because he was drunk and throwing knives throughout the house (he has previously stabbed her). I called the police and he was arrested. She subsequently bailed him out the next morning. This was not the first time an event like this has happened to her, and will not be the last. Another friend & I have gathered information from a local women's shelter for her when she's ready to leave. While it is very important for you to end this relationship as soon as possible, it is most important that you have a plan for your safety. As others have said, I'm sure your college has resources available free of charge, and I'm sure there is a women's shelter in your area as well. Please don't hesitate to use those resources to help yourself.
I know you probably feel embarrassed that you have posted this, but don't be. This is no reflection or indication that there is something wrong with you. There isn't. There is something wrong with him, and you need to know that you are worth more and deserve more than this. Please let us know how you're doing.
-Lisa
She said there was more - we don't KNOW if he's sexually or physically abusive either.... once you get out, get a preemptive restraining order, please.
Melissa
I can't really write about this is right this minute, maybe tommorow. It's been a horrible day and my family is fixing to be home so...
It is hard and very embrassing to tell about this. I am so ashamed, I wish I could just run away. I know that it's not the answer though.
This is not ok it is not ok for anyone at anytime to tell you what to do, wear, how to talk, to threaten to demean you in anyway. The fact that you dont feel comfortable telling your mother means you no its wrong. you probably feel like your mother would be ashamed of you if you told her like she would think you are weak or stupid like your not the person she raised. but believe me she wont feel that way she loves you despite what your BF might be telling you. your mother would do anything to help you and never look down on you. you are worth having friends and a life and you are clearly smart enough to make your own deciesions your Bachlore degree says that amont other things. I'm including a link to a university web site that has a lot of great info on emotional abuse http://www.southernct.edu/womenscenter/emotionalabuse/
read it when he cannot come in and catch you on the computer. and please tell someone that can help you get out of this relationship before hes your husband and father of your child and not just your BF.
I am so ashamed, I wish I could just run away. I know that it's not the answer though.
I have been watching this topic and reading everyones responses and believe they have good advice. Please talk about this with someone you can trust and talk to face to face (I know you trust us, but we can not be there physically to support you when you need it)
First off you have nothing to be ashamed about. When you got together I am sure everything was great. Either his personality has changed, or his real personality is coming out. whatever the case please DO NOT feel ashamed.
Second off, Running away just might be the answer. Just make sure you're running away to a safe place. Your mom, a best friend, an organization that is there to help women in situations like yours.
Please please do not be ashamed. This is the worst thing that you can be (in my opinion) This shame will follow you even if you don't think it will. But it will only get worse if you stay.
When you are ready I have a book that helped me quite abit about getting through the shame I felt. (Different situation, but it helped tremendously)
I know you posting this here says more than anything else you can say because it shows us that you already know there is something wrong. We can not make the decision for you, but please listen to all of the advice that has been given to you and maybe seek out more information before you make a final decision.
Please don't be ashamed. I think it could happen to almost anyone. You meet a guy, he knocks your socks off and he woos you and treats you like a princess. First he says, "I like your hair long, don't ever cut it" and you think it's cute how he's attached to your hair. Next it's he's jealous that you spent the afternoon with girlfriends instead of him and some part of you feels bad that he missed you and you realize how much he must love you. It's probably all gradual. After awhile those fuzzy feelings of falling in love wear off, but you are comfortable with each other and most of the time he's OK and don't all people have SOME things they don't like about their partner? But those little comments start to add up and soon you feel like you CAN'T live without this person. That you can't make a decision on your own because you NEED him... and pretty soon you find that you are trapped - and powerless. If it had happened all at once, you would have run screaming... it didn't (most likely). and... it WILL get worse. All "bad" habits get worse and power feeds on power. And kids? (Do you have kids with him? or brought kids into this relationship?) Do you want them learning about THIS???
Running away, away probably isn't a good idea, but runnign away from him to a support system is. I would LITERALLY pack up all my things, get everything organized that is PRECIOUS to you and forget the rest and just leave one day and NEVER go back (people get sucked back in all the time because they think he'll change. ) Well, he won't change - maybe temporarily, but not forever - it's too much of who he is. I wish there were a way I could make you believe that.
Don't you think your mom might know what's going on? That maybe she wants you to go on this cruise to get you temporarily AWAY FROM HIM so that she can talk to you? And perhaps convince you that you're better off without him?
Melissa
I am so ashamed, I wish I could just run away. I know that it's not the answer though.
Second off, Running away just might be the answer. Just make sure you're running away to a safe place. Your mom, a best friend, an organization that is there to help women in situations like yours.
Ditto. Running away from his IS the answer in this situation. It's not worth living in fear of what someone else is thinking of you, or that they are constantly judging you and keeping you from being yourself, which is what he is doing.
He'll only get more set in his ways the longer you let it go on. Guessing your general age and point in life, graduating college, etc, taking "next steps" in a relationship may seem like a solution, or a distraction, but it won't change.
There are many, many guys out there who will accept you "just as you are" (not to sound Bridid Jones-y). Seriously. Don't you settle for anything less than that.
Wow, this bf sounds scary. I have a friend who dated a guy just like that. She was with him from high school until a couple years after graduation. He controlled everything she did. The only reason I was able to be friends with her is because I was friends with some of his friends and would see her at parties and such. She wasn't allowed to go out with her own friends.
Well, the way she got away from him was that he got put in jail for drugs. She was finally free from him. That's when she and I started hanging out together and we're best friends now. It's been 10 years since she "got away" from him and now she has a wonderful husband who any woman could envy. He's smart, kind, sympathetic, makes good money, fun...If she'd have stayed with the other jerk, she'd have never met her husband. That is so sad...
I agree with what the others have said. Get out of this relationship now. If he's being that controlling to you, he doesn't really love you. He covets you. He considers you his possession, not his equal. For a working relationship, there needs to be equality and respect.
Like others said, don't let him know you're even thinking of leaving. He might do something scary. While he's gone, pack up your things and just leave. Go back home with your parents. Let your mom know! Go on this cruise with her. You need it. You are definitely not his possession. It is YOUR CHOICE whether you should be with him or not.
There is absolutely nothing normal about his behavior, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The problem is HIM, not you. This is textbook abusive behavior, and if he hasn't already hit you, you may be sure that he eventually will. That's will, not might.
Please contact the Tennessee Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence for specific advice on how to get out safely and for referral to counseling. http://www.tcadsv.org/
You are an intelligent, beautiful, talented, capable woman. There is something way better out there for you than the life you have with this 
. Get away from him and get on with finding it.
Edited to fix emoticon.
Like the others have said, that's not right. You are good enough to be on your own. You don't need somebody like that telling you what you can't do. Talk to your mom. I know it's hard, I hate telling my mom when anything is wrong. But, maybe she can help you. Once you have your degree, you can do anything. 
Good luck!
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