Perceived Lack Of Support From Husband?
Decorating By GateauGirl Updated 11 May 2007 , 1:48pm by GateauGirl
Sorry this post is long - my question is below, in bold, if you want to cut to the chase...
I've been worried about whether my husband takes my decorating seriously - it is an interest I've cultivated for about a year and a half now, and I've toyed with the idea of selling my cakes someday (went to a small business class to get some info)...he says he's behind me & supports what I do & doesn't think it's silly, but I worry that his real feeling about it is different.
I have often felt kind of inferior because my true interests (and what I'd like to turn into a career) have always been creative endeavors...writing, acting, doing artistic things like calligraphy...but this cake decorating thing probably came out of nowhere and is my latest whim, in his mind. When we got married last year, I had become so interested in decorating that I thought about making his groom's cake but reason took over & I had it made by a bakery, instead. Since then I've done Wilton classes & classes at the Mid-Atlantic Cake Show and I think it's safe to say that I'm hooked.
Trouble is, I have this nagging feeling that if I were to become any more serious about making this a business or if I spent even more time with it, he'd have a problem with it. Either he'd be jealous of the time I spend on it, or he'd try to encourage me to pursue a career opp that's more "serious" or lucrative. My intention is to do this on the side and if it develops into something worthwhile & people want my cakes, great. If not, it remains a hobby.
Anyone else have a husband who's the analytical, non-artsy type? Has he supported you or has it been a struggle? I don't want to give up since I need a creative outlet & my regular FT job stinks, but his "ok" is really important to me.
It didn't help that I worked until midnight the past few nights on cake balls which I made for Teacher Appreciation Week (my husband teaches science) & then he made a remark which I took as an insult until he realized how it sounded. Mind you, he had raved about how much he enjoyed the samples I made in the days before.
This a.m. I told him I'd bring the cake balls to his school during the day, since I didn't have them boxed & ready to go before he left the house. He asked me not to bring them & said he was a little embarrassed for me to bring them to school - that it seemed kind of "weird" for me to bring them for Teacher App. Week. Then a few minutes later he said "embarrassed" wasn't what he meant; he was concerned about how the school secretaries would react if I just brought them in & said "I made these" & dropped them off - and sometimes when he's in the middle of teaching he's not available to come pick something up from the office - and he wasn't sure how I wanted them to be distributed anyway.
Too late, I already felt insulted that I was contributing something to show my appreciation & he said he didn't want me to. He apologized profusely & said if I had something ready for him to take in tomorrow, he'd do it that way. But you know, sometimes "foot in mouth" and apologies are hard to process after you feel like you've been shot down!
Maybe I'm being oversensitive. Wouldn't be the first time. But why do I feel as if he thinks I'm wasting my time with this? Should I even care??
I really, really feel for you, "LearningCurve"...you know, my impression is that we have to go with our guts, and hopefully our husbands will come along eventually. When they see that its not just a pipe dream to be involved in something we love, when they see that its what truly makes us happy, theyve got to realize that their apathy or criticisms will not stop us. Easy to say, much harder to put into practice. I feel crushed when my husband doesnt approve of something I do, if I feel strongly about it.
And yes, there are important considerations such as time and money spent and our return on the investment. Leave it to husbands like mine (and yours?) to focus on that aspect of it. Maybe it would be helpful to use the excel spreadsheet found on this forum to calculate cost of each cake & show that to him as an example of what you intend to do in the future.
For now, making cakes/cupcakes/brownies to donate is a great way to get your name out there. And I would think that a school is a GREAT outlet for donations! Though lately Im thinking about donating to other local public places, too (church, the new fire station down the road, etc.)
I think that sometimes theyre just not able to appreciate decorating as an art (although my husband was amazed at a video of Duff I showed him the techniques with airbrushes, sculpting, and welding torches really had the wow factor). My husband knows I have urges to do creative stuff (at one point he encouraged me to turn my calligraphy into a small business for wedding invitations). But I think when it comes time to get serious about putting artistic skills to use, such as making cakes/ cupcakes that people are actually gonna eat (outside of the 2 of us in our home), it changes everything somehow. It becomes something for which we need to consider the financial aspects first and foremost. To avoid arguments, I spend my own money (not our joint account money) on baking supplies, classes, etc. unless Im making a cake for someone in our family or for just us.
My gut tells me, as I said, that you have to do what you love. Im not turning my decorating into a full-time job at this point, so it shouldnt be threatening, but I feel a strong conviction that I need to continue and see where this leads. I figure you should tooyou spent some long hours prepping everything he took to school, and Im SURE they all appreciated and loved what you did. I hope you also got a lot of fulfillment out of the time you spent; I know I always feel satisfied after such a long session of decorating.
So sorry to hear your story my heart really goes out to you we feel the same way about this and just want someone to tell us its ok to enjoy decorating as much as we do! I hope you can talk to your husband about how you feel.
By the way, I brought the cake balls to my office today. Not going to let them sit around & go to waste. I can show my appreciation for all my officemates instead!
Let me know how things go in the future. I have a special place in my heart for creative people and want to see them succeed! BTW, Sandy Hargrave (of "Creative Cakes of Aspen") told me not to give up - ever. I took her class at the Mid-Atl. Cake Show and spoke w/ her afterward about getting started in the business. She changed from a high-powered exec job to doing something she loves, taking a huge paycut many years ago. People thought she was crazy but she's now a huge success in Colorado. If you ever need inspiration, check out her website - you may even be able to email her & get her thoughts.
I have found...for the most part...that men are "bottom line" type of people. They want to see the problem and fix it with as little time and money as possible. If it doesn't work...MOVE ON! Don't waste another minute on it!
Women, on the other hand are more emotional type people. We bake, frost, decorate, and deliver our "goods" and by the time it's done it's as if a piece of our hearts go with it. I think it's hard for some hubby's to understand that it doesn't boil down to the all mighty dollar and that it's more about the love, emotion and pride we feel for it.
I know every man isn't going to be this way, but "in general"?
I wouldn't let it bother you. My husband was the same for quite awhile when I first started. I've been decorating for about five years now, and at first he just thought it was a cute little hobby to keep me busy. But then I stuck with it and he saw how good I was getting and what a passion I have for it and he's now one of my biggest supporters. I still get comments from others about my "little cake thing on the side", but I try hard to just blow them off. Your husband was just being a clod when he made that comment but I'm sure he didn't mean to insult you. He suffers from "open-mouth-insert-foot" disease. 
If you love what you're doing, keep doing it. If you decide to make a go at a business you'll run into a lot more nay-sayers than him, and you're going to need a thick skin to ignore them and keep going. Believe in yourself.
Mickig 
GateauGirl,
My heart goes out to you, but despite your non-supportive husband, I say go for it!! Don't give up your craft! It seems like this is something you really enjoy doing, so don't get discouraged! You don't want to be one of those people that gave up on their dreams and live their lives wondering "what if." People who are successful usually have a lot of opposition.
Your dreams are not the same as your husbands dreams, so to him, your dreams amy seem to far fetched....but it's not his dream..it's YOURS. Plus, he seems like the more practical one and youre the dreamer. Since you're the dreamer, keep dreaming and dream big!! THE JOURNY TO SUCCESS STARTS WITH ONE SINGLE STEP!!!
Anyway...it'll be such a JOY when you become successful and you can say that wonderful phrase to your hubby over and over again....." I TOLD YOU SO!!" 
I think things may well change when your husbands realise how much others appreciate your efforts, love eating your cakes and cookies and start dropping hints... sometimes that glow from outsiders' praise seems to rub off on them and they bask in pride by association!! Also I think because they don't see things we see them it takes others' opinions to set them on the way to seeing the light!!
just my view on it, anyway
Not to sound dumb, but my dad is not supportive, everytime I make a cake he gets pissed. I think its partly there are dirty dishes, and I dont wash them right when I am done with them (ha) and he thinks its dumb. Most people would think it is stupid to pick decorating cakes as your career and not just a hobby you do for your family (a lot like artists) But to us its more than just a hobby, or something to pay the bills. It is an art form, and when you make an awesome tasting and awesome looking cake say on their birthday, or on an anneversary, it could brighten up their whole day. And that is worth taking all of the criticism. Keep doing what you love, no matter if someone is supportive or not!!
Good luck
I'm not sure if anybody has said this yet - just skimming along - but for heaven's sake, TALK to these men! Most of the time, they have no idea what they're saying to begin with, much less how we may perceive it.
LearningCurve, honestly, your husband probably wouldv'e been just as happy with pies... and probably because everything you make tastes great - nothing more, nothing less. Not that he didn't necessarily appreciate all the work that you did, but I'll bet he's trying to tell you that you don't HAVE to do all that to make him happy. (Whoever said men are pretty bottom line, I'll agree with you, but when I say that I mean something more like "does it taste good? great!" and that's really the only issue.) With respect to the cupcakes, it sounds like maybe he sees how hard you worked on the other stuff and didn't want you to feel like you HAD to do the cupcakes to boot, but that if it's something that you really wanted to do just because YOU wanted to do it, of course he'd be happy to have them. He could be just trying to look out for you in his own little manly ham-handed way (like making sure that you're actually paid what you're worth for slaving over those teeny-tiny details, for example, and don't overwork yourself because you feel like you have to), and not doing a good job of communicating what he really means.
Or he could secretly hate your cake business. (But I doubt seriously that any man hates a business that gets him cookies and has the potential to earn extra money.) The only way to know what's going on in man-land is to talk to him, and try to clarify what he means when you don't understand something he says (or when it comes out wrong).
Gateaugirl - sounds like maybe your insecurity is causing you to assume the worst about your man. Where does the "nagging feeling" come from? Has he said or done something specific to make you feel like he doesn't want you to pursue this? Re: the cake balls... same communication issue. What exactly would make him uncomfortable about your delivering them? It may have nothing to do with you or your business so much as not wanting the extra attention, or having this big pile of cake balls and not knowing what to do with them, etc. Only way to know is to keep talking.
I'm not married, but DB is an absolute dream for me on this. I don't do anything professionally (yet), but he's super excited for me (not to mention about the free food), and I think part of the reason is that I've made it clear that I want HIM to be a part of it. By that I mean I've asked him what he thinks of this or that, or asked his input on cakes vs. cookies to start, for example, and discussed different profit margins on different products, etc., so that he really understands that his support matters to me and that I value him and his opinion (and really appreciate that he does try to take care of me in certain ways). I think that helps him to take *me* seriously and value what I'm trying to do.
Sorry so long... I just think that assuming the best in people brings out the best, and assuming the worst brings out the worst!
But even if the DH's out there really are jerks, hang in there!
Anyone else have a husband who's the analytical, non-artsy type? Has he supported you or has it been a struggle? I don't want to give up since I need a creative outlet & my regular FT job stinks, but his "ok" is really important to me.?
I think you'd be surprized at the amount of women who don't have support from a spouse or a mate. I went through that in the beginning even though my cake decorating is only for home and friends and I do have a full time job with 3 kids.
My husband actually admitted to me that he was "jealous" of all the time I spent in the kitchen. I don't think he realized how important it was to me until I started getting praise from friends and family and I would tell them how I felt so passionate about doing this in front of him and him seeing all the support I recieved from everyone and pretty much none from him.
Either that or maybe he just felt this wasn't another one of those things I just had to do like hair or web design or law... he he he OR maybe he just didn't want to fight me because he knows I won't listen to him.
After all I support every thing he wants to do. I was very supportive when he went to trucking school and didn't finish. I never said a damn thing on all the money he spent on that student loan.
A couple of weeks ago he came to me and actually told me to go back to try another class and learn as much as I wanted to.
But seriously, just do what your heart tells you to do. We're all behind you 100% no matter what you decide. That is the great thing about this forum. We all have this one thing in common and we all understand each other.
So keep on baking! 
Bree Laura - your post made me smile as when I got off of CC I made a point of asking my DH why he was so non-committal when I had first suggested making a cake for his workplace. He says he didn't want me stressing out over cakes. At least I know they can't be that awful as he has just told me that he has also promised 'a slice of cake' to everyone who is sponsoring him (good thing we had a talk, I thought I was just making one cake for a sponsor's name drawn from a hat.)
My other half wasn't over excited to start with either - understatement. Prove him wrong, make cakes that are so amazing that his mouth falls open.
First let me say that my hubby is now my biggest cheerleader and fan.
But when it first started, he hated the mess, the time, the equipment sitting around the house, the 3 metal shelving units full of supplies and equipment.
Someone said it above: Guys are bottom line people (unless they're buying some fancy car part, or a fishing rod, or a new lawnmower or lawn sprinkler, or video game, or anything THEY like doing....!). What turned my hubby around was the day we bought his brand new truck (I'm talking it only had 12 miles on it when we drove it off of the car lot) and I wrote the down payment check out of my account. When I wrote the $1000 check to get our house and porch painted. When I wrote the $3000 check to get some landscaping done. When at the end of our first full year back in business we posted over $50K in sales and are projected to almost double that this year.
He was hesitant to use the house equity to finance this endeavor, saying "I just don't want to put our house at risk." I told him, "Our house is already at risk. If one of us loses our job, the other doesn't make enough to make the house payment." (Between the 2 of us, we've been thru 4 downsizings, so this is a sensitive issue with him.)
Well, being the "I'm not here to ask your permission ... this train is leaving the station with or without you!" type of person, I pursued it. And good thing. Because when my job was downsized (YAY!), we never missed it. Our finances weren't really impacted.
He's my number one fan and number one salesman.
Maybe I'm being oversensitive. Wouldn't be the first time. But why do I feel as if he thinks I'm wasting my time with this? Should I even care??
are you doing this to make him happy or to make yourself happy? I love doing my cakes, but my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts. And that's ok, because I think he's nuts to spend time playing video games.
If you are doing anything because you feel you need his approval or his "ok, then IMHO you need to re-evaluate your motives. If this is for you, do it for you. But you also shouldn't make stuff for him/his work/his activities when you haven't been asked to do so and then feel slighted because you don't feel he's reacting appropriately.
Thanks everyone for your replies. Have to tell you, my husband was apologizing right & left for what he said (and not b/c I guilted him into it). He reiterated that he loves the stuff I make- it was a question of the delivery being awkward.
Anyhoo, thanks so much for your support. I needed it for reassurance & knew you guys would understand. I went thru a complete career change about 2 yrs ago (from corporate to education) and when that didn't work out (teaching was not my bag), it took the wind out of my sails & made me doubt myself for taking the leap. Now that I'm back in the corporate world & considering switching to something non-corporate (read: non-LUCRATIVE) again, I am nervous about whether my DH will support another switch.
For now, it's just a part-time interest until I actually get a customer. I'm also planning to apply to work at a bakery part-time...we'll see how much my DH supports that (he did suggest it at one time, but I think he may wind up being jealous of my hours outside the home...)
Thanks again for weighing in and describing how your careers have evolved with your significant others by your side!
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