How "good" Is Your Intimate Life With Your Partner
Lounge By berryblondeboys Updated 21 May 2007 , 1:40am by dl5crew
I hope this isn't considered, "naughty" - intimacy is an important part of our lives!
And if you do suffer from lack of intimacy - is it mutual? or is it your partner or you that is the reason for the slow down?
Just seeing how "out of the norm" we are! LOL
I don't know what the norm is. My husband & I are satidfied. With three kids, one being a teenager that does "cramp the style." I also have a LOT of female issues. Not to be gross, but I have my "cycle" sometime three weeks out of the month, so who wants to do anything when yuo get a break.
I didn't want to say 7 days a week, 5 days a week and so on because what we all NEED is different. Someone may be satisified with being intimate once a week while another may think, "no way... every day baby!"... What's important is, how SATISFIED in the intimacy each partner is, you know?
I really don't understand it wtih DH and me.... we used to be fairly active and always enjoyed that part of our life, but now??? it almost NEVER happens despite both of us saying we want it to happen... and it's more DH is never receptive... i think it was because we had a little baby IN our bed for almost two years, but now he's having some "ahem" butt issues (will need surgery - it's genetic in his family - as he's active and eats a very high fiber diet).
Men actually go through the I don't feel sexy thing also. If he is having fannie issues that could be the problem. I think every couple goes through it. My husband had two spinal fusions within ten months of each other. Needless to say it was about two maybe two & a half years of NONE, Nothing. We would snuggle each night. We learned that our love could conquer a lot.
we don't have alot either. when we first got together wholy cow. sometimes 2-3 a day. now its just not a big issue. we bond anyway. thats not all of the relationship. and theres that saying that you should marry someone you can talk to. not just , well you know. the question is are you happy with the circumstances.
I answered the 2nd option.
We'll have a week off at times and then have several encounters within a week...maybe even twice in a day. For the year after each baby being born, I didn't want anything to do with him really. I just did it to make him happier. I think breastfeeding must take away libido...well, that and lacking sleep 
I always think I must be weird because I want it more often than dh. But, then you read all those magazines and supposedly I'm not so weird after all? I don't want it every day, but a few times a week would be nice. Things have improved greatly since dh got snipped. I could never be on birth control cause of my depression and other methods are never full proof (#3 and 4 of my kids to prove it LOL). Anyway, I asked dh what he wished I'd do more often or what he liked more than other things. Well, of course he says bjs, and I say okay, what about them, as in do I have to finish or is 5-10 minutes of it okay LOL. In all seriousness though, I wanted to know because he does stuff for me so I want to do for him. So I find out he doesn't care as much if I finish, just likes it as foreplay. Now, if I want intimacy, all I have to do is get him in the mood. Of course I still complain to him that he needs to take the initiative sometimes, but I guess if you want it you have to go get it right?
Intimacy, had to look it up to remember what that was. Used to have it all the time till the kids started moving back in. Our house is so full and we like making noise so have to wait till every one is gone (which only happens every blue moon!!!). We used to put the tent up in the back yard when the weather turned nice just to have privacy but the tent died this past summer and we haven't replaced yet. Sure wish they had drive in movies still. I suppose we could cruise the back roads but I sure would be embarassed if a sheriff drove up and we are so fat we'd probably get stuck in the back seat and have to call the firemen to come rescue us!!! Which would be doubley embarrassing since we live next door to the fire station. We try to at least get to a motel once in awhile but that is getting way to expensive. We are just going to have to be more inventive or less shy!!!!
Intimacy, had to look it up to remember what that was. Used to have it all the time till the kids started moving back in. Our house is so full and we like making noise so have to wait till every one is gone (which only happens every blue moon!!!). We used to put the tent up in the back yard when the weather turned nice just to have privacy but the tent died this past summer and we haven't replaced yet. Sure wish they had drive in movies still. I suppose we could cruise the back roads but I sure would be embarassed if a sheriff drove up and we are so fat we'd probably get stuck in the back seat and have to call the firemen to come rescue us!!! Which would be doubley embarrassing since we live next door to the fire station. We try to at least get to a motel once in awhile but that is getting way to expensive. We are just going to have to be more inventive or less shy!!!!
goodness girl, turn on some music... or make a choice - mute or without!!! Being quiet is doable - we've had to be very inventive, but we were better about it in the past than we are now... sure hope when DHs fanny is fixed that he'll get in the mood more often!
Melissa
LOL!! my honey can't be quite for more than 3 minutes at a time and he really doesn't care who hears him.I'm the one who would rather not have everyone know what we are doing. I've decided to to take the bed down and just throw the mattress on the floor (bed squeaks) and go to town!!! Course I'll have to gag him, then again he may enjoy that.
For the year after each baby being born, I didn't want anything to do with him really. I just did it to make him happier. I think breastfeeding must take away libido...well, that and lacking sleep
My husband liked that I was nursing but didn't like the side effects. 
He couldn't figure out why I wasn't into anything.
funny my girlfriends and I were talking about this the other day......I was watcfhing a talk show where a OB/GYN said that statistically married folks (or committed folks) on average have 2-3 intimate encounters a week......so I told hubby....SEE we are AVERAGE!!! Obviously there are weeks where were there is nothing (when I have a cold...then he gets a cold....or exhaustion)........but for the most part I think we do ok.
Um... 2-3 times a week would be HEAVEN... it was like that before kids... then less and then less... I think our condoms expire before they get a chance to be used!!! It's THAT bad. How I got pregnant 3 years ago is purely amazing... but back then we did still meet up a couple times a month, versus a couple times every few months like now.... so sad...
Melissa
It will get better Melissa......I am sure the surgery your DH will have will make him more in the mood, I can only imagine that would be a downer. I also believe that having a kiddo in your bed is a huge intimacy killer....I know people think I am a Mean ol Mom but when I brought my son home from the hospital into the nursery he went (across the hall and all---I bawled cause he seemed so far away).....but I wanted to establish my room as my DH and My room..............not to say there havent been exceptions (sick or scared type things) but 99.5% of his 2 years of life he has been in his own room!!!!
I hesitate to share something this personal with the whole world but what they heck it seems everytime something has been on my mind i come to cc and find a forum about it. my husband and I are I wouldnt use the word intimate but you get the point quite a bit um the problem on my end is that he always wants bj's always and he wants the big finish and if he could have that all the time he would never touch me its only when i refuse to give him what he wants does he actually touch me and then he is like the minute man im not kidding its bad ive clocked it at 22 seconds and its not that he cant control it because every few months we actually have a good time but its very rare and most of the time i feel like his garbage disposal which has stopped me from wanting it at all he says its because with the kids who has time like last night i would have loved to loose a little sleep but no he didnt want to but this morning when the kids need breakfeast and i have to get them off to school he wants a quickie is it bad to feel like your husband is using you!!!
ooooh Heather, I am with you! My problem is that my interest level is seriously once or twice a month and my FI would prefer 2-3 times a day, no joke. I have finally gotten him down to once a day and some days off but since I am in no mood for it, I do just feel like a c**dumpster sometimes. I am sorry that you feel the way you do but I don't have any great words of wisdom on it 
my intrest level used to be 2 or 3 times a day probably still would be if it were any good but the way it is I prefer not to do anything at all beacuse it almost certainly ends with me crying in the bathroom and my DH off to mow the grass or something I swear hes clueless to the fact that im not happy even though i have tried to tell him as gently as possiable but its all ok there are other things in a marriage right and I love him despite being a dumpster sometimes well alright all the time.
egad, these last few posts make me sad... Sexual relations are supposed to be enjoyed by both parties and if it isn't, that's a serious issue with the relationship.
For the gal whose spouse only wants BJs and doesn't want to have good relations otherwise... I would seriously talk to him about how often you are willing to do BJ and how often you feel there should be OTHER...
Do you think maybe he's afraid of getting you pregnant? Have you tried any sex toys to help him " get off"? I was just at a Passion party and they had a pretty funky "sleeve" for a guy to use to umm... help out and the gal swore by them - said it's good for partners adn for solo - they are sending TONS of this to iraq! LOL
That's one thing I'm happy about - our sex life is zilch these days, but it has always been really balance - give and take... helps that neither of us are really into oral (or anal - ew!)... just like the good old fashioned way!
Melissa
My husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor. We're only in our second year and we don't have kids - but we have unresolved issues. I also have no sex drive at all. None. Zilch. And I don't know why - I'm not taking any medication that should have any effect on that area of life other than birth control. I do think I have a fear of becoming pregnant b/c I just know I'm not in a place in life where a baby would be a joyous event right now. But I'm really hoping the counselor we're going to will help us solve some of our other issues which I think are keeping us apart too. We went to an awesome marriage conference by Gary Chapman. He has a ton of books on marriage. His website is www.garychapman.org . We bought a couple books and our church is also doing a 6 or 12 week series on marriage (you can listen to it if you like at www.necchurch.org). So we're getting a LOT of marriage advice right now and I'm praying it all hits us hard and forces us to make some good changes so we can have a better relationship.
Oh and we didn't get this book yet, but this was one recommended at the conference: The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner
Clifford and Joyce Penner, clinical therapist and nurse, have written a sensitive and forthright guide to understanding sexuality and how it fits into God's design for marriage. With the latest information on sexuality and intimacy, this best-selling book is ideal, whether you are newlyweds or have been married for years.
So if anyone is looking for marriage resources, I've got a ton to share - just don't have a lot of "reviews" on any of them yet b/c we haven't gotten through them - but good resources nonetheless.
My husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor. We're only in our second year and we don't have kids - but we have unresolved issues. I also have no sex drive at all. None. Zilch. And I don't know why - I'm not taking any medication that should have any effect on that area of life other than birth control. I do think I have a fear of becoming pregnant b/c I just know I'm not in a place in life where a baby would be a joyous event right now. But I'm really hoping the counselor we're going to will help us solve some of our other issues which I think are keeping us apart too. We went to an awesome marriage conference by Gary Chapman. He has a ton of books on marriage. His website is www.garychapman.org . We bought a couple books and our church is also doing a 6 or 12 week series on marriage (you can listen to it if you like at www.necchurch.org). So we're getting a LOT of marriage advice right now and I'm praying it all hits us hard and forces us to make some good changes so we can have a better relationship.
are you taking birth control pills? If so, this COULD be the reason you have no sex drive. There are other methods of birth control that don't mess with your hormones. Did you ever have a desire? Or have you been on birth control pills as soon as you started becoming sexually active and you don't know for sure?
Melissa
Honestly, if he's having health problems, that's probably an huge part of it. I have a lot of back problems and no matter what my desire level may be, it hurts me, so we don't do it. And it's hard to be in the mood when there's a problem with your nether regions.
Also, it can be hard to turn off the 'parent' when it's bedtime and that sure doesn't make you feel sexy.
Overall, DH and I are very satisfied, but my health issues lately have frustrated us both. We've had times in our marriage when we went LONG spells with nothing, though. We've discovered the best way to deal with it is to be up front... why aren't we doing it, what issues are affecting us, etc. The more honest we are with each other, the easier it is to discover our own feelings about what's going on.
Well ...this is the area that I know hubby wishes he got more of.Kids....exhaustion....etc always seem to play a role.I know we need to get more intimacy and I am working on it!! Great topic!!
What a hot (no pun intended!) topic! My DH and I have been married for 11 years, but I can honestly say that I have absolutely no libido whatsoever. Even in the early years, before our DS was born, my interest was nil. I just could care less but my DH of course, thinks 2-3 tiomes a week would be heaven! Seriously, I think our problem got real bad when I needed sleep worse than I needed sex and started sleeping on the couch due to his "shake the rafters" SNORING! We probably get together 2-3x a month at best but then I'm crawling out of bed to the couch! When we do have sex, it's great and I've been blessed to experience orgasms pretty easily, it is just getting my motor started that seems to be hard for us! I've been tested for hormonal imbalance; nothing wrong there! Having my 24 year-old DD move back home so she could go back to college, hasn't helped either! 
AND at 46, I'm knocking at the door of menopause! 
Sorry so long!
With all that I've read on this topic, I know this is a hhuge issue for americans who are overworked, stressed out and on the go constantly from one thing to the next!
so glad you posted this topic. i was really thiking there was something wrong with us. even though i new there was more out there, i couldn't help but feel that way.
It's such a weird thing - we all KNOW that we all "do it"... Well, most of us do and babies get here SOMEHOW, but we NEVER talk about it and that is so odd. It's such a normal part of life, but it's so "hush hush". You see all these reports and studies and you think EVERYONE must fit into these norm - yet that's exactly what they are NORMS/AVERAGES... So, if 2-3 times a week is the AVERAGE for a married couple, that includes ALL married couples - those just married to those married for eons - or DOES it include the "married 30 years plus figures?)...
When we were dating, it was daily (and when we were doing long distance relationship (most of it) it was twice daily during the weekends we saw each other which was every 2-3 weeks). As a young married couple (we were 23 and 26) we probably had sex 3-4 times a week. Then after a couple years, 2-3 times a week. The baby #1 came and it was probably once a week (we were 26 and 29)... Then by the time he was 5, it was like once or twice a week- depending on the month (our sleeping schedules REALLY changed and we didn't go to bed at the same time any more - BIG intimacy killer)... Then baby #2 (and pregnancy, MAJOR sleep problems (baby woke 5-7 times a night until he was 23 months old) and DHs fanny problems) and in three years, we've probably been intimate a TOTAL of 20 times... so what does that average? once every 7 weeks... that's pretty accurate.
My "guess" is that we will never get back to 2-3 times a week (we are now 37 and 40) with a 2 year old (just turned) and a 10.5 year old as we have such incompatible bio-rhythms for sleep - DH almost NEVER comes to bed before 1 am and that's EARLY, usually it's 2:30 am and gets up at 7 am. I go to bed at midnight to wake at 7 am... And he's not a guy who can get distract/made interested, if he's in the middle of something else, and honestly, I got tired of doing all the initiating and being rejected because he wasn't in the mood.
I also think we will need to make a concerted EFFORT if we ever want things to normalize as once you are in the pattern of not thinking about it and not "doing it" it's easy to stay that way - which is so weird too because AFTER we've finally had an encounter, we always ask, "Why has it been so long? We both enjoy it. It's good for us... so why??" and there's always an excuse/reason... kind of crazy, really...
I've enjoyed this thread and hope to hear more thoughts on it!
Melissa
It is either feast or famine with my husband and I. We both work shift work, so our schedules are crazy. We can do nothing for a week or two and then make up for the lost time in just a few days.
My mother is convinced that she will never have any grandchildren. I told her to pray for an accident.
Intimacy, had to look it up to remember what that was. Used to have it all the time till the kids started moving back in. Our house is so full and we like making noise so have to wait till every one is gone (which only happens every blue moon!!!). We used to put the tent up in the back yard when the weather turned nice just to have privacy but the tent died this past summer and we haven't replaced yet. Sure wish they had drive in movies still. I suppose we could cruise the back roads but I sure would be embarassed if a sheriff drove up and we are so fat we'd probably get stuck in the back seat and have to call the firemen to come rescue us!!! Which would be doubley embarrassing since we live next door to the fire station. We try to at least get to a motel once in awhile but that is getting way to expensive. We are just going to have to be more inventive or less shy!!!!
well maybe if you are loud the kids will get embarrassed and move out? you'll be alone again and free to do what you want. i remember hearing my mom with my stepfather all the time. god it grossed me out and made me very determined to get the heck out of that house as soon as possible.
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