Sorry! Need To Vent Before Easter With In-Laws..............
Lounge By cookingfor5 Updated 6 Apr 2007 , 7:17pm by m0use
I saw the thread about MIL and thought I would just have a little rant to try and get it out of my system before Easter. I didn't want to add anything to that thread and take away from her story. I so know how MIL's can be. Mine does the cleaning my house thing, but I made it quite clear that I don't want that attitude in my home. She is better, but you can see she wants to do something to help me. My home could be clean and she would clean.
So, here is my problem. MIL will in some way hurt my feelings at Easter. Or, I will watch her tell my SIL how horrible she is without saying how horrible she is. This SIL is not the family that I will mention in a minute. I am one of those people who want to help someone else when someone is being mean to them. For some reason MIL will be upset. Maybe it's because FIL didn't help at all to set up, or it's definitely as soon as "Eight is Enough" walks in. "Eight is Enough" is my BIL family, who keep having kids and won't raise them himself. Instead these kids spend at least 5 days with someone other than mom and dad. And, that is besides daycare. They may show up at Easter in junky PJ's and Grandma will have to pull out an outfit that she has with tags on for them (they are not lacking for money, even with 6 kids). My kids don't get that. Their hair won't be done and Grandma will have to do it for them. Don't even want to tell you what moms job is, but HAIR is involved!!!!!!!!!!!!! Their hair won't be combed or dried. MIL will have to change diapers because their dad won't, or the little sisters will have to do it.
So, now MIL is in a horrible mood. Does she take it out on their dad. No! She will start in on me or my other SIL for some reason. Most likely my SIL. Why? Because she and her husband are in disagreement about something like, I miss him and want to spend more time with him. They are not even fighting about it, she may mention how she misses him. These are not the kind of people who drop their kids off. They are the kind of people who want to help everyone and can't say no to anyone. They are the first to help out with the firemen, PTA, school, sports, etc... They know they should learn to say no, but I don't think they have the heart to. It was so bad one year that I all of a sudden broke in with a news flash about fine upstanding citizens I had found out were swingers ( No one there knew them, but had heard of the family). I panicked and everyone else was just watching the train wreck unfold. I got a few laughs, and the subject was dropped. Of course, Holiday is already ruined. WINE started flowing and didn't stop.
So, I show up at every Holiday dreading what will happen. My stress will cause at least one fight with DH before we leave.
So, being the nice and helpful DIL doesn't work. Avoiding them like the plague is impossible. We have tried everything but the direct route. No one ever does, but I am considering trying it. Why avoid the fight at all. If she is being mean, why not tell her she is being rude in as nice a way as possible. And, I don't want to embarrass her either. I'd have DH do it, but he is not often in the room when it happens.
My nerves will start bothering me tomorrow and really affect me on Sunday around 11:00 a.m. When we start getting ready. Anyone else go through this?
My own mother can be like this. I've found, on the occasions that I just can't stand to let it slide, a simple comment like "oh, that was hurtful" can have a tremendous impact. My sister and I stand up for each other, because if the 'target' says anything back to her, it just starts a fight.
My own mother can be like this. I've found, on the occasions that I just can't stand to let it slide, a simple comment like "oh, that was hurtful" can have a tremendous impact. My sister and I stand up for each other, because if the 'target' says anything back to her, it just starts a fight.
That sounds good some of thier own medicine!!!
I have had to stand up for myself who going to if not me....
It took awhile to get that way and you should see how they look at me now!!!!
I just wish the DH's would stand up for us. They are non confrontational and think mom and dad can do no wrong. And, if they know they are wrong they still respect them at all times. It is getting worse every year and I think it going down the road of ending all together.
Thanks for the support. That's really all I need. Just to know I am not alone in my holidays from you know! I think it's time to take the more direct route. I was thinking about using something like hurtful, mean or rude. I guess I am just so scared!
We only see MIL once or twice a year, but every time I see her, she comments on my weight, whether I'm looking thin or "chunky"!!!
My DH is working all Easter, so we're not going anywhere. It's probably a good thing!
I choose the word 'hurtful' because it focuses on how the comment made someone feel, rather than 'attacking' the speaker...IMO, that makes people think a little about how their words affect others. Like, instead of saying, "you're rude" (not that you would be that blunt), it says "you hurt my feelings."
She has no right to ruin all of your holidays! Just don't censor yourself, say what comes into your mind and if what you say comes out sounding rude, she has earned it. 
If you can talk your husband's into it I have a suggestion that we've been using with my father for the last year or so.
Have one of the husband's call his mother and tell her that if she is rude or picks on one of you you guys are leaving right then and won't be back for the rest of the day. Maybe you can call your SIL and the two of you can talk to the husbands together and explain your feelings, she shouldn't be rude to you at family gatherings and maybe having most people leave her with dinner about to be served would teach her.
I will say that it hasn't really helped my father but he's got some serious anger managment issues and has been verbally and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. It has helped a little if only because my mother gets upset at him when we take her grandkids and go.
....If she is being mean, why not tell her she is being rude in as nice a way as possible. And, I don't want to embarrass her either.....
Women......we are our own worst enemy! Why are you taking that stand of "I don't want to embarass her" when she has no qualms about embarassing or degrading everyone else? Stop being a doormat! I have relatives like this and I'm sorry, but there comes a time when you have to be blunt and direct. You have to call a spade a spade and if they don't like it, it's their problem.
Years ago, my brother would take my parents car and leave my parents stranded for hours. (They lived in the country and had no phone). My parents took the throw-up-your-hands-and-whine-"Whatta-ya-gonna-do?" attitude. I told them, "You don't give him the keys!!! You don't see him taking MY car for hours do you!?"
I had a friend who complained because her parents would constantly give the youngest child things like a freezer, riding lawn mowers, etc "...because you gotta help the kids". Friend knew it was because she was the youngest. However, the youngest child and spouse both worked for the govt, so their salaries were printed in the newspaper on an annual basis. Friend told us that she FINALLY told her dad "Between the two of them, they make over $100,000 a year! Why do you think they need "Help"? She said the look on her dad's face said it all .... he never realized their income .... he was just "taking care of" the baby of the family! But it still ticked my friend off that her youngest sibling TOOK this stuff from her aging parents ..... when the sibling made that kind of household income!
Sometimes you just gotta lay it out for 'em.
Oh, girl, you're so not alone!
I won't go into my whole in-law story here, but you're definitely not alone in approaching in-law gatherings with some small sense of dread.
My DH and I have, after 20 years, devised a plan for his mother and one brother that works for us: Wholeheartedly avoid them all year, and be as brief, polite, diplomatic, and superficial as possible ("It looks like you guys have had a little warmer weather here lately,") at times when family gatherings are unavoidable, try to enjoy them for what little we can (very, very little in some cases), and stay as far away as possible the rest of the year.
I just want to celebrate what Easter is with the family we DO enjoy, not be subjected to a bunch of drunks dishing out verbal barbs directed at us from every angle all day. We're only putting in the briefest "appearance" at the one gathering we don't want to attend. By then, they'll all be drunk enough that they won't remember HOW long we were there, and we can stop in, smile and say hello, and leave.
mmmphf! 
there I go...I won't start. 
Shelbur - I hate to say that I would be dumb enough to say "Rude". With the conversations I have had to sit through in the past 2 years, I actually have go home and explain right and wrong to my kids. Overall they are good people, but since no one ever disagrees with them I think they think they are right. In my family it is never usually directed at the in-laws, just family.
My husband and one brother have said things and it changes nothing. I think I do need to stand up for myself, but that backfired on me the only 2 times I tried that approach. I tried to be the adult and talk to her once, not so good. The second time was worse, but my husband completely stood by my side this time. We did leave right then. Obviously, that didn't help. I have been taking the stance for the past few years to make a joke out of something extreme to get attention away from the one being picked on. I try to make it so outrageous that it changes everyones mood.
So, picture yourself hearing something so dumb or ignorant that all you can think is "You can't be that stupid". That will be me on Easter. The hardest thing is not to say it out loud. I have one of those faces where my eyes say it all.
I did just get some good news. "Eight is Enough" will not be there long. They have another party to attend. I know that is horrible to say. It's not about how many kids you have. It's about behavior. Eight of them is way too much!!
I am there with you all. Why oh why do they do this to us?
Homecook - we avoid them too. My DH works with them also and it is not good. I refer to FIL and BIL as the siamese twins. Wherever FIL goes BIL will follow. Can you say brown noser.
Indydebi - This is the same with the help and income. They do realize there income though. One day MIL stopped at my house to say she had bought them each 2 pairs of new shoes because they didn't have any that were the right size. I'm still waiting for one pair.
mbelgard - Thanks for the suggestion. We have done that a few times (then it is just so fake) , but this time we are going to let it go. See how things go and then respond. The 2 husbands are the nice guys in the family. They won't fight for anything or with anyone. If you know the saying, "Nice guys finish last". That is my hubby.
Thanks everyone! You make me feel much better, even though it doesn't sound like it. It just makes me feel good to know I am not alone. However, it makes me so sad that you have to go through it too.
You are not alone!
My MIL has been known to say some spiteful things to me. I am fortunate enough to have a hubby that has stood up for me.
One time she tried to argue with me on something while I was trying to talk to her on the phone about something and she kept interrupting me. I told her "Do not interrupt me anymore, I let you say your opinion and didn't interrupt you. If you cannot do the same for me this conversation is over and I will hang up the phone." She actually shut up and let me talk.
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