Please Help Me Calm Down Before I Deal With This Person!!!
Decorating By JennT Updated 7 Jun 2006 , 11:36pm by funcakes
Ok...I have a dilemma that is soooo frustrating, for MANY reasons. This may be kind of long, but I need to share the details so you guys can help me with some good advice on how to deal with this person. It's imperative that I handle myself the best way possible because she's already accused me of lying....and she made these accusations to my DH, no less!!! 
Here goes....
BACKGROUND: She is someone I used to have a friendship with, so I thought, and our husbands are good buddies. I found out after a while that she's the kind of person that only thinks of you as a friend when you do stuff for her...not the other way around...doesn't make herself available to do the kinds of things that friends do for each other, etc. Only called when she needed me to bring her daughter home from school or when she needed a cake (but would pretend to be asking me for advice or ideas only and come in the back-way with having me end up doing the cake at cost); wouldn't return my phone calls when I would try to make plans to get together with the kids and stuff like that. I'd resolved myself to the fact that, for whatever reason, she really didn't want to have a friendship with me...it hurt my feelings, but I'm a big girl...I got over it and told my DH that while he couldn't expect me to put myself out there anymore to be her 'friend', he could count on me to be friend-LY with her when/if we all got together to do things, etc.
SITUATION: Back on Feb. 17th this woman calls me needing a cake....within the next 5 hours! Her DH's bday was the following Monday and at the last minute his parents, other family, etc. was coming over to celebrate...could I do it? I said sure, no problem. But I would have to charge her this time, though at a much discounted rate, since it was such late notice. (I learn 
) I didn't have any other orders that day & I was itching to bake/decorate anyway...plus, I happen to like her DH a lot...he's a great guy, is always nice to me and him & my DH are great friends...so I really was doing it more for him to have a nice cake for his bday, more than to help her out. I know that may sound bad, but it's the truth... 
And he always raves about my cakes, especially the buttercream...tells everyone he knows to order cakes from me...and he's a sort of business consultant and was very helpful to me & DH when we were going to buy the bakery last month, even though the deal fell through.
She said she only needed a small-ish cake, nothing too big. Told her I'd have to do an 8-inch round because my 6-inch pans were on loan at the moment...fine, she said. It was going to be simple b/c he only likes plain cakes with BC for filling and icing. I had carte blanche on the decoration, it didn't have to be fancy. So I did the Golden Butter Cake from WBH, with bourbon vanilla BC filling/icing. For deco, I did reverse shell borders on top & bottom, swiss dot on the sides and did some over-piping on the shells and dots with a mossy green BC (so it would look a little more masculine) and used the green for the writing and put an Icthus (sp?) (that's the Christian fish symbol) on the top - we're all Christians and he actually used to be an associate pastor for a while. She couldn't come pick it up, but she didn't want me to deliver it to her house either, but never really told me why when I asked about that. 
So we agreed to meet half-way for me to deliver the cake to her. Keep in mind we live literally about 6 minutes from each other!? I was out of boxes, but I put the cake on one of my commercial half-sheet pans that was lined with non-skid material, then the cake on top. Didn't bother covering it because it would only be in a car for a total of about 6 minutes, plus the time I had to wait for her to arrive at the meeting place...she was 10 minutes late. I had my 3 1/2 yr old and 18 month old in the car with me. Not fun. Then, after I put the cake in her car, she tells me she doesn't have any money...could she just pay me on Monday or Tuesday...what could I say, except fine?
So, her DH loved the cake and appreciated the way I decorated it...called to thank me a few days later. Good. Two weeks go by and no payment from the wife or even a phone call. So I call to remind her...just left a msg saying 'In case you forgot, the cake was $20....and I really need my pan back as soon as you have a chance. If you come by the house & I'm not there, just leave it on the porch. Give me a call.', etc, etc. Another week and no response, another week...still no $$, no phone call. I called another 2 times, but didn't leave messages...why should I have to chase HER down for MY $$?? She has caller ID and knows I'm calling her and knows why I'm calling her. I know & she knows that she's avoiding me. I mentioned to my DH that I'd yet to receive the money for the cake or a return phone call...he was disturbed, too, and took it upon himself to call her husband on his cell and just mention it to him to see if that would speed the process up a bit....considering it was the middle of MARCH!!! This had gone on for a whole month! So I get a msg from her one day saying that she'd answered her DH's phone when my DH called and she didn't know that I hadn't been paid yet that she'd ASSUMED ??? that her DH had done that and returned my pan. He later told my DH that he knew nothing about all of it. She said she'd pay me and give me my sheet pan at school the next week (our kids go to the same school, but we rarely see each other) of course, that DIDN'T happen.
TODAY: Here we are...ANOTHER TWO WEEKS LATER! NO $$, NO PAN!!! 
I saw her at the school on Monday...she said hello as we passed in the hall & I called her name twice and she pretended not to hear me!! 
A person knows when they're being blatantly ignored...and I was being ignored and brushed off! My son even asked me 'Mom..why didn't Ms. Abby answer you and talk to us?'...I was infuriated, but I was in the middle of a pre-school/kindergarten...what could I do?? I told DH about it, just to vent...he again took it upon himself to call about it and spoke with her husband. She then called my house this afternoon and left a very condescending message (I was outside with the kids) saying that she had called me 'TONS of times and didn't get an answer', (but she only left me one message (that I returned the call for) out of all those TONS of calls?? (right) ...that she left my pan with my son's teacher 2 days ago (LIE!) but that she didn't feel comfortable leaving the money!? And that she'd been to my house but I didn't answer the door - another LIE!! After she left me that msg, she called my husband on his cell and told him that she was "livid"...that it was MY fault I didn't have my $$ or my pan back...and that I'd told her the price for the cake was $12 not $20??? - LIE!...said that I brushed her off at school, when I was the one left standing in the middle of the hallway with my jaw dropped, amazed at her brazeness... and here's the kicker - that she "didn't want lies being spread about her"!!!??? 
Then she went on to say stuff like 'why is she doing this to me? I've tried to be her FRIEND!??" First of all, I'm not friends with anyone she knows or that knows her....secondly, if she's so worried about her reputation, why can't she handle a very simple transaction over a cake with integrity???? It would've taken her a grand total of 15 minutes to drive her butt to my house and drop off my pan and my $$, whether I was home or not! Yeah - that's a friend alright...doesn't even value me or what I did for her enough to take 15 minutes out of her time to pay me for something I took 2 1/2 hours out of my Saturday to do for HER at late notice which I paid special attention to and put lots of care into.
Talk about LIVID!!!!???? 
This woman is flat out LYING about not only the price, but about me in general!! I HAVE to respond to her...I cannot let this one go when she has taken it soooooo far....and over a little $20 cake! It's not like she owes me $100 or anything!? I just am not sure how to respond and in what manner. I've considered sending her an email that lists out all the ingredients that I used, what I had to do - from the mixing of the batter all the way to driving and then sitting in my car waiting for her - that went into doing this cake for her. And then list what she's done where her responsibilities in this transaction are concerned. I also thought I could note how sad it is that she considered me her friend, but thought it okay to behave this way towards me...that I sure hope she doesn't treat all her friends like this and that maybe she should re-evaluate the definition of friend. I don't know. I really just needed to share this with someone other than DH...even though he chose to get involved by calling the husband (though I know he was only trying to help) he's fed up with the situation...so I don't want to bother him with it. And I don't want this to hurt their friendship. What do I do??? Thanks for bearing with me and reading this...you guys are great!
Oh my word,some people!!!! I'm sorry about your troubles. This lady is clearly not your friend and she clearly is not living for the king! As christians we are to do everything unto the lord. Glorifing him in all aspects of our lives,especially our interactions with people. I tried to look at your situation through christ eyes, what would he do? You deserve your 20.00 and your pan back no doubt but this might not be gods plan for you. How glorifing to God it would be if you asked him to help you love this woman dispite the grief she has caused you call her and make ammends. I believe this would be the right thing to do. Only as christians can we understand this way of thinking. However it is never easy to do.There is something to be learned out of every situation God gives us. God bless you and your cake making!!
Oh man. Being overdramatic and selfishly entitled are probably the two worst traits a person can have. It turns them into theifs and keeps you from having a friendship with them.
List, kindly and without any emotional trigger words, exactly what you did with the cake and exactly what she did, including the snubbing. Don't blame her of anything, just tell her what you told us, without any emotion whatsoever.
End by saying something like, 'I trust you are an honest person and know this is how it went and didn't really mean to say I was making up lies etc. I know you wouldn't do that.' Even though you know she would.
Don't do any more work for this lady and be SUPER sweet every timeyou see her. She is TOXIC. Pray for her but keep a distance.
Best of luck. How incredibly frustrating for you.
I would love to lean on the Chirstian value here but it evades me. I would let it go, she is going to need you before your need her. Kiss your husband for trying, but don't let him get more involved, he is friends with her husband and it should stay that way.
The friend just made a bad choice in a wife.
I would not take anymore orders from her though, everytime she needed something I would not be taking any more orders for that day.
Sorry to hear that she is a user, considering the friendship between tot 2 husbands, but there is nothing you can do about that.
I think we all have a "so called friend" like that, I certainly do.
It took me a long time to figure it out, but ow I feed her with a long handled spoon. Only be bothered when I want to, and leave it at that.
Can't be friends with everybody.
You won't miss a "friend like that".
Good luck
I agree with the previous post. Let it go. I know it's very hard to do, but it really is not worth getting so worked up over such an insignifcant Person. If she doesn't value your friendship, or her own integrity, then she's just insignificant as a human being in my book.
Chalk it up to a learning experience, and move on.
Sherry
What does your DH think you should do? Considering he is friends with her DH, maybe he has an opinion about this.....my opinion is to just forget the $20 and pan--they are not worth all the anger and stress you clearly have been experiencing. It's not good for you or your dear family to have this lingering. Obviously, if she calls for another cake in the future, just say no.
WOW, I HAD TEARS IN MY EYES READING THIS....I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO TELL YOU-IN ALOT OF WAYS I AGREE WITH EVERYONE ELSE & WANT TO SAY LET IT GO, (CHERRYMERRY IS TO SWEET, I'M NOT SO SURE HER E-MAIL WOULD DO ANY GOOD AT LEAST NOT TO THE WOMAN)
IF YOU CAN'T LET IT GO, TALK TO YOUR DH AGAIN & IF HE THINKS IT'S OKAY, GO TO HER DH & LET HIM KNOW THAT, ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW THAT HE LIKES YOUR CAKES THAT YOU CAN NOT DO ANYMORE FOR HIM, THAT YOU WERE REALLY NOT SO MUCH WORRIED ABOUT THE MONEY FOR THE CAKE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM" BUT THAT YOUR CHILD'S TEACHER DOES NOT HAVE YOUR PAN & YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHERE IT IS, BUT THAT PANS AREN'T CHEAP & OF COURSE IT WAS YOUR FAULT, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DELIVERED THE CAKE IN YOUR PAN, BUT THAT HIS WIFE CALLED LAST MINUTE & THAT WAS YOUR ONLY OPTION, THAT OR SAYING NO YOU COULDN'T DO THE CAKE-MAYBE EVEN SAY THAT IF HIS WIFE COULD POSSIBLY TRACK DOWN THE PAN FROM THE TEACHER (YEAH RIGHT) THAT YOU WOULD GREATLY GREATLY APPREICATE IT (NEVER MIND THAT WOULDN'T WORK, SHE'LL JUST SAY THE TEACHER SAID SHE GAVE IT TO YOU.)
GOOD LUCK-IF YOU DO SAY SOMETHING, I FEEL LIKE YOUR GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE BLAME IN ORDER TO GET ANYTHING DONE--YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THAT
What a horrible, horrible situation. These are the situations when I struggle with the whole WWJD thing. We're supposed to love and be kind and all that, but, Jesus never said to let people walk all over you either. I'm usually pretty cool headed, but I think I would have a hard time with this one.
If it were me, I would give it a couple of days. Get some distance and perspective on the whole thing. I would then confront her, probably go to her house since she won't answer the phone or acknowledge you in person. I'd ask to speak with her privately and tell her that you don't appreciate the incorrect accusations, but if she would please pay for the services you rendered at her request and return you pan right now, the situation will be forgotten. I'd remind her that your husbands are friends and you value your husbands relationship with her husband and don't want this to come between the two of them, so it will be better if they didn't do business with each other any longer. If she doesn't follow through with her end of the bargain at that point, I would let it go (however hard that may be). If nothing else, do it for your husband's sake.
Like I said though, give it a couple of days so you can approach this without the emotion. The last thing you want to do is please her with an outburst of emotion that she can use against you later as a temper tantrum type thing.
Anyway, HTH, I don't envy your situation. Pray about it, it'll work out. Good luck!
Isn't this an old topic? I seem to remember that JennT got this sorted out in the end, got her money and her pan back, but not without even more hassle in the process. I think that's how this story panned out, I may be wrong though
This was posted in March. I think she resolved her issues. I remember reading about it back then. Just an FYI.
Are you still having problems with this lady? Or, is this a different lady? I remember you having similar problems a month or two ago....
Ugh!! Sorry to hear about this awful experience. Personally, I don't think it's necessary to spell it out for her, she knows darn well what she did.
Instead, take the high road....call her one last time, calmly, and tell her to forget about the $20, that the lesson you learned was worth every dime...
Yep, that's what confused me too, there were a LOT of replies to this post at the time it was written, I have no idea where they all went !!!
JennT:
Yeah...I had a "friend" like that once, although it took me a considerable number of years to realize that I was being USED at every turn!
I actually got to the point where I DREADED a daily interaction with this person. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out how to handle it.
One day, at a point where she owed me HUGE money, she calls to tell me that she & her husband and child had just eaten lunch at (expensive restaurant's name to be interjected here) and she was calling me from her NEW CELL PHONE just to say "hey..."
I proceeded to take on a "cold" tone, and without hesitation told her: "You know, look...You've just called me from (restaurant--expensive) while I'm here eating leftovers. You've just bought a cell phone that you obviously don't really need, and you KNOW that I'm broke every day of the month. (We were in bankruptcy at the time, living on exactly $953.00 monthly for a family of four!) I've given you more money over the years than I even care to mention. You owe me SERIOUS amounts of money, and you obviously could not give a damn. So, since you're enjoying your day so very much, why would you bother calling ME?!?"
I succinctly told her not to bother me with her crap anymore.
Money is a HUGE area of dissention between people, and, if not paid back promptly between "friends," will usually lead to demise.
And, just like usual---in my PERSONAL experience---she is a BIG Bible thumper. Always talking about the RIGHT thing to do..."Do it the Christian way" stuff. Yeah, right. Sure.
Her beliefs (and her drug habits) have gotten her a very nice-sized load of pure B*S* to bear.
And, last time she was in jail, I enjoyed it thoroughly when I asked her if the money she had owed me could be used for bail.
Hey--to me, that felt "like the right thing to do..."
--Knox--
I know it would be hard to do but I would try and let it go, for the sake of the friendship with her DH. His life is hard enough being married to her...lol
Just dont take anymore cake orders from her
here's the follow-up post i just sreach for it, i wanted to know what happened
http://www.cakecentral.com/cake-decorating-ftopict-22605-.html
I say that, for your own well being and piece of mind, just chalk this one up to a lesson learned.
It's not easy and it doesn't taste good going down, but you need the piece of mind.
This woman obviously isn't going to turn around and do the right thing anytime soon. The only one upset in your sit. is you. You doesn't derserve all that inner turmoil.
It's not easy but just take in a good deep breath and exhail all that negative energy along with any allegiance to her.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Peace,
N
I would call her or go to her house and ask for your pan back. Leave it up to her to make the $20 payment. If she hands you your pan and no payment I would just let it go. I know and you know that you deserve your $20. At this point it might not be worth the hassle and stress for the money.
After you get your pan back I would not accept anymore orders from her. If you do decide to accept orders tell her you need paid in advance. If she wants the cake bad enough she will fork over the money.
On the Christian viewpoint, pray for her! Pray for her family! The bible tells us to pray for our enemies. Also pray for yourself and the strength and to forgive her. Once you can forgive her it will be easier for you to decline any orders she wants to give you.
I wish you luck and have said a little pray for you and for her.
p.s. Why hasn't the husband just paid the bill? If he was a good friend to your husband he would have just gave him the money and attempt to make amends.
This advice is probably way too late to help you, but let's face it we all have a "friend" like that.
I have found out that it is not the money or item- it's the attention, negative though it might be that keeps them going. Somehow they are addicted to drama and feel in control in these situations. In this one she has the cake and pan and is making you squirm.
I would not call or speak to her about this because it would be a two way conversation and I wouldn't want to have to hear or respond to her because she is thriving on that attention and triggering emotions in others.
I would write a note on some paper with my address written as a business type address on the top- Matter of factly, just like a business memo I would write the money she owed and the place and time to leave the pan. Suggest that she mail you a check since she is "afraid that nursery school teacher will pocket the money" (oh, yeah-there's a group of women you can't trust! Nursery school teachers? get real) If she tries to talk to you about the situation-cut her off! Say oh, that's a business situation-I don't talk business when I am _______ (at my kid's school, church where ever you are) Nothing works better with these personalities that being ignored and not being emotional about what they are doing to you.
In the end you might just have to look at this as a business expense that all businesses suffer from time to time.
I have also found that these behaviors do not come out of the blue, every time I learned more about a person like this-usually about their childhood, you could see the wounded child within them, the way they were treated when they were young and it is easy to forget a pan and a twenty dollar bill and really be compasionate for them.
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