Please Help Me Calm Down Before I Deal With This Person!!!
Decorating By JennT Updated 11 Apr 2006 , 1:47am by ncdessertdiva
Ok...I have a dilemma that is soooo frustrating, for MANY reasons. This may be kind of long, but I need to share the details so you guys can help me with some good advice on how to deal with this person. It's imperative that I handle myself the best way possible because she's already accused me of lying....and she made these accusations to my DH, no less!!! 
Here goes....
BACKGROUND: She is someone I used to have a friendship with, so I thought, and our husbands are good buddies. I found out after a while that she's the kind of person that only thinks of you as a friend when you do stuff for her...not the other way around...doesn't make herself available to do the kinds of things that friends do for each other, etc. Only called when she needed me to bring her daughter home from school or when she needed a cake (but would pretend to be asking me for advice or ideas only and come in the back-way with having me end up doing the cake at cost); wouldn't return my phone calls when I would try to make plans to get together with the kids and stuff like that. I'd resolved myself to the fact that, for whatever reason, she really didn't want to have a friendship with me...it hurt my feelings, but I'm a big girl...I got over it and told my DH that while he couldn't expect me to put myself out there anymore to be her 'friend', he could count on me to be friend-LY with her when/if we all got together to do things, etc.
SITUATION: Back on Feb. 17th this woman calls me needing a cake....within the next 5 hours! Her DH's bday was the following Monday and at the last minute his parents, other family, etc. was coming over to celebrate...could I do it? I said sure, no problem. But I would have to charge her this time, though at a much discounted rate, since it was such late notice. (I learn 
) I didn't have any other orders that day & I was itching to bake/decorate anyway...plus, I happen to like her DH a lot...he's a great guy, is always nice to me and him & my DH are great friends...so I really was doing it more for him to have a nice cake for his bday, more than to help her out. I know that may sound bad, but it's the truth... 
And he always raves about my cakes, especially the buttercream...tells everyone he knows to order cakes from me...and he's a sort of business consultant and was very helpful to me & DH when we were going to buy the bakery last month, even though the deal fell through.
She said she only needed a small-ish cake, nothing too big. Told her I'd have to do an 8-inch round because my 6-inch pans were on loan at the moment...fine, she said. It was going to be simple b/c he only likes plain cakes with BC for filling and icing. I had carte blanche on the decoration, it didn't have to be fancy. So I did the Golden Butter Cake from WBH, with bourbon vanilla BC filling/icing. For deco, I did reverse shell borders on top & bottom, swiss dot on the sides and did some over-piping on the shells and dots with a mossy green BC (so it would look a little more masculine) and used the green for the writing and put an Icthus (sp?) (that's the Christian fish symbol) on the top - we're all Christians and he actually used to be an associate pastor for a while. She couldn't come pick it up, but she didn't want me to deliver it to her house either, but never really told me why when I asked about that. 
So we agreed to meet half-way for me to deliver the cake to her. Keep in mind we live literally about 6 minutes from each other!? I was out of boxes, but I put the cake on one of my commercial half-sheet pans that was lined with non-skid material, then the cake on top. Didn't bother covering it because it would only be in a car for a total of about 6 minutes, plus the time I had to wait for her to arrive at the meeting place...she was 10 minutes late. I had my 3 1/2 yr old and 18 month old in the car with me. Not fun. Then, after I put the cake in her car, she tells me she doesn't have any money...could she just pay me on Monday or Tuesday...what could I say, except fine?
So, her DH loved the cake and appreciated the way I decorated it...called to thank me a few days later. Good. Two weeks go by and no payment from the wife or even a phone call. So I call to remind her...just left a msg saying 'In case you forgot, the cake was $20....and I really need my pan back as soon as you have a chance. If you come by the house & I'm not there, just leave it on the porch. Give me a call.', etc, etc. Another week and no response, another week...still no $$, no phone call. I called another 2 times, but didn't leave messages...why should I have to chase HER down for MY $$?? She has caller ID and knows I'm calling her and knows why I'm calling her. I know & she knows that she's avoiding me. I mentioned to my DH that I'd yet to receive the money for the cake or a return phone call...he was disturbed, too, and took it upon himself to call her husband on his cell and just mention it to him to see if that would speed the process up a bit....considering it was the middle of MARCH!!! This had gone on for a whole month! So I get a msg from her one day saying that she'd answered her DH's phone when my DH called and she didn't know that I hadn't been paid yet that she'd ASSUMED ??? that her DH had done that and returned my pan. He later told my DH that he knew nothing about all of it. She said she'd pay me and give me my sheet pan at school the next week (our kids go to the same school, but we rarely see each other) of course, that DIDN'T happen.
TODAY: Here we are...ANOTHER TWO WEEKS LATER! NO $$, NO PAN!!! 
I saw her at the school on Monday...she said hello as we passed in the hall & I called her name twice and she pretended not to hear me!! 
A person knows when they're being blatantly ignored...and I was being ignored and brushed off! My son even asked me 'Mom..why didn't Ms. Abby answer you and talk to us?'...I was infuriated, but I was in the middle of a pre-school/kindergarten...what could I do?? I told DH about it, just to vent...he again took it upon himself to call about it and spoke with her husband. She then called my house this afternoon and left a very condescending message (I was outside with the kids) saying that she had called me 'TONS of times and didn't get an answer', (but she only left me one message (that I returned the call for) out of all those TONS of calls?? (right) ...that she left my pan with my son's teacher 2 days ago (LIE!) but that she didn't feel comfortable leaving the money!? And that she'd been to my house but I didn't answer the door - another LIE!! After she left me that msg, she called my husband on his cell and told him that she was "livid"...that it was MY fault I didn't have my $$ or my pan back...and that I'd told her the price for the cake was $12 not $20??? - LIE!...said that I brushed her off at school, when I was the one left standing in the middle of the hallway with my jaw dropped, amazed at her brazeness... and here's the kicker - that she "didn't want lies being spread about her"!!!??? 
Then she went on to say stuff like 'why is she doing this to me? I've tried to be her FRIEND!??" First of all, I'm not friends with anyone she knows or that knows her....secondly, if she's so worried about her reputation, why can't she handle a very simple transaction over a cake with integrity???? It would've taken her a grand total of 15 minutes to drive her butt to my house and drop off my pan and my $$, whether I was home or not! Yeah - that's a friend alright...doesn't even value me or what I did for her enough to take 15 minutes out of her time to pay me for something I took 2 1/2 hours out of my Saturday to do for HER at late notice which I paid special attention to and put lots of care into.
Talk about LIVID!!!!???? 
This woman is flat out LYING about not only the price, but about me in general!! I HAVE to respond to her...I cannot let this one go when she has taken it soooooo far....and over a little $20 cake! It's not like she owes me $100 or anything!? I just am not sure how to respond and in what manner. I've considered sending her an email that lists out all the ingredients that I used, what I had to do - from the mixing of the batter all the way to driving and then sitting in my car waiting for her - that went into doing this cake for her. And then list what she's done where her responsibilities in this transaction are concerned. I also thought I could note how sad it is that she considered me her friend, but thought it okay to behave this way towards me...that I sure hope she doesn't treat all her friends like this and that maybe she should re-evaluate the definition of friend. I don't know. I really just needed to share this with someone other than DH...even though he chose to get involved by calling the husband (though I know he was only trying to help) he's fed up with the situation...so I don't want to bother him with it. And I don't want this to hurt their friendship. What do I do??? Thanks for bearing with me and reading this...you guys are great!
I'm curious also... okay, maybe really I'm just nosey. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with someone as petty as this. I had a friend who was a dead ringer for this lady. (Did you notice the past tense?) Only called me when I could do something for her, etc. I finally woke up and quit being available to her last minute requests. It only took me saying "no" twice before she moved on to leach off of someone else. Guess that sure let me know where I stood in that friendship, huh? I think you're right to not do anything that would interfere with the DH friendship. Maybe the best bet is to just let it go for the sake of her husband, who thoroughly enjoyed the cake and your efforts. His friendship is worth more than $20, right?
Wow.. what a crappy situation! I'm sorry that you have to deal with someone like that. Did you ever get your pan back?
She does not seem like the type of person who would care how you felt so don't waste you energy. She doesn't sound like she will ever appreciate your efforts either so I would just let it go and keep in mind the husband loved it and that it was a hit on the day.
Ask for the pan back again being as nice as pie. Tell her you need it to make a cake for a GOOD friend of yours and that you would like it back tomorrow. If she is six mins away she could ask her hubby to drop it if she is too busy. If she says no then you say "surly after all the effort I went to to make this cake you could find a spare 15 mins couldn't you??
As for the money just tell her it is $20 and put your hand out. Just stand there and wait. Keep calm while you do it, people like her get a thril when they make people uncomfortable so don't show it. treat her how you would treat a customer you did not know.
As for her lies and accusations WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!! If she brings them up just brush her off by saying Oh well you must have just miss heard me or I don't know where you got that idea. Keep it all very nice, you will feel better about yourself if you don't stoop to her level. She sounds like she likes the fighting so don't giver her what she is after.
After everything is settled just keep your distance and if she ever has the hide to ask for anything else just say NO!
Things have a tendancy to escelate if you let them. If your hubby wants to stay friends with her hubby chances are your paths will cross again in the future so scene as you have done nothing but be generous and patient this thing is all on her. If other people get involved you can just tell them the truth and It will backfire in her face not yours.
Good luck with it!
Sandra
My advice - disattachment. Sometimes, eventhough it may make you crazy how people act, not feeling anything for the situation can make you feel better. This woman has taken advantage of you and lying which would make any good person angry. We would all love to teach people who do these things a lesson, but it is very, very dificult and time consuming to teach an old dog new tricks - do you really have the time?
Think about it from her point of view just for a moment - pretty sad isn't it? She may have nothing better to do with her time than to make things stressful for others perhaps because of a low opinion of herself and she may be a bit jealous of you and it makes her feel better knowing that she is on your mind, getting at you, and making you angry for over a month. In this way she is not only getting a cake, but also a type of power over someone else. Once you have released yourself from the anger, you have won, you will no longer be angry and she will still be a misirable person trying to stir up emotions. If she is doing this to you, there is no doubt she was/is/ will do it to someone else. I can understand that you feel taken advantage of and don't want it to happen again - and it probably won't because you now know the signs - you won. I'm sure that other people also see through her lies and actions and keep their distance or get rolled over as well.
Try to just drop the situation - the funny thing is that you might have your pan and possibly the money sitting at your door a week later, people with that type of personality tend to react once they are ignored. Eventhough she tells your husband that she doesn't want anyone talking about her, she probably secretly enjoys it (it's kinda like "bad publicity is still publicity") or else she would have taken just a few minutes to return your items and pay you for a wonderful and thoughtful service. Its so hard to do, but it will frustrate the @#!% out of her if you just stopped paying attention to the whole thing. I've had to learn this because of growing up with a mother with this type of personality and I've seen her do it to others, it was the only way to keep my sanity.
I hope that this helps a little. Remember to keep ppl like this at arms length - sure act friendly when you and your husbands are together, you don't have to be all chum but just like saying hi to a stranger at the market. It is so frustrating that people with this personality type will try to take advantage of good people, but you can always come out on top by not giving them what they want - attention (good or bad).
I agree with socake....I say kill her with kindness. People not only find it irritating 
but they also find it really difficult to be nasty to people who are being kind and respectfull to them!!! Don't bring yourself down to her level...make her come up to yours!!! You know you haven't spread lies about her and most importantly SHE knows it too!! I wouldn't waste my energy allowing her to upset you or even keep your mind going thinking about her and this whole situation.....like was said before....her DH's friendship is worth more than 20 bucks!!! I say, keep her in your prayers ...judging by the way she's treated you...I doubt she has many friends!!! Which is pretty sad if you ask me...I kind of feel bad for her....she obviously just lost another great friend in the process (you)...good luck, keep on the high road...no need to act like a child the way she's been. 
I would just forget the 20 bucks, and try to get the pan back. If she can't manage that, threaten to go to small claims for your pan and the 20 dollars, and the cost of what it is to go to court. Tell her that you are sure she does not want it to go that far. Do you have proof that you did the cake?
Maybe she'll reconsider. I would not play games...that is ridiculous.
the saga continues at.....................
http://www.cakecentral.com/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=20863&postdays=0&postorder=asc&&start=30
Here's a question, but watch out how you answer it....mightnot wanna post your answer here:
What exactly do you want to do about it?
Now, think about the consequences of doing that!!!
Now, think about this: she is controlling you and you're letting her; it really is true to be the better person and just go ahead and forget about it. I'm sure you're not the first and won't be the last person she treats this way.
We all here at CC support yuo and I'm sure we'd come over and help you gang up on her, but how are you going to feel if she gave you the $20 and your pan back? If it's worth doing something about, then do it. And, good luck, just remember that whatever you do reflects you as a person....and she probably "talks" a lot.
LOL...thanks for posting the link, Fishercakes!! I remember the day I posted this...I had some trouble actually getting the post to go through...didn't realize it posted twice & there was another one floating around out there...sorry 'bout that. LOL
Thanks so much for the replies and advice, though! 
I did send her an email just pointing out what I had done and stating what she had done. Told her that since we hadn't really been true friends for a very long time that there was no love lost, really...I just wanted my pan back and getting paid the measley $20 for the cake would be nice, but not necessary. I mentioned how sad it was that with repeated phone calls to her house and msgs left, with my DH even asking about it twice, that it came down to her making false accusations in order to attempt to absolve herself of any responsibility. I also said that if I didn't receive my pan within 7 days that she would be receiving a bill for it...as I would have to drive for almost and hour and pay $23 to replace it or order it online and pay shipping charges....never mind the cost of the cake. My pan showed up in my son's classroom 2 days after she claimed to have dropped it off...hmmmmm. lol Whatever....I'm sooooo glad that I never have to see her again, except in passing at the school.
This girl has a whole different attitude...she just ASSUMES that people do things because they care so much, because her & her family are so special and we're so lucky to know them...she also ASSUMES that if she acts as if they do things for her because 'God blesses' her and her family, that people are less likely to push anything and just let it slide. She likes getting things for free from people, claiming it as God's blessings. That's just wrong....period. Couple that with an 'I'm better than you' attitude...makes for a very snobby, stuck-up person. That's not the kind of person I want to claim as a friend...Christian or not. I'm glad it's over.
BTW - DH & hers are still friends...though he was mad about the email I sent his wife and at first didn't want her to read it...LOL. He thought better of it after talking to my DH...realizing I only sent him a copy because of her not being honest about it all. So, she read it. I saw her at school today for the first time...didn't let her know I saw her because I didn't want to give her an opening to approach me & give me some crappy sob story or even try to blame me some more or something...but I did see that her face was every shade of red possible!! She avoided me like a kid who knows he's in big trouble for something...lol. Funny what being held accountable can do to a person who before had so much nerve!
No problem JennT. I am glad that I could help out.
Wow! I'm so glad that you got it all settled, well you got your pan, right? Not the money? Oh well, consider it a gift to her dh.
Her face turning red truly means something, and I'm glad you got to see that she has a conscience (spelling???).
I'm glad both dh's are still friends.
Life is never dull . . . .I'm glad you were able to resolve the issue and that the DH's are still friends.
Leslie
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