My Friend Killed Herself, Not Coping -Anyone Else Same Boat?
Lounge By emmascakes Updated 28 Mar 2007 , 11:09pm by Steady2Hands
On december 9th last year we got a phone call that our friend had been killed, she had been hit by a train. She was 29. We all thought this was some horrible accident, maybe she'd been pushed or falled accidentally? She'd got off one stop earlier than normal which made us wonder if perhaps she was being followed by someone? Anyway, the police looked at the CCTV footage and it was 'obvious' that she had jumped under the train.
I'm completely haunted by this. She stood by the platform waiting and waiting and when a train hurtled towards her she jumped under it. In Decmeber I couldn't get horrific gory images out of my head. The funeral was just awful. The whole church was in desperate tears. Her boyfriend tried to read a speech and just collapsed. No-one seems to have any idea at all why she did it. She has no history of depression, no substance abuse problem etc. I just couldn't believe that my friend was lying, in pieces, in the coffin and that she chose to be there.
A month later my first boyfriend's Dad, who to some extent had been a father figure to me, died of skin cancer at 55. Then another friend's Dad died of stomach cancer. I'm kind of cross that these people wanted their lives and didn't have a choice but to die, but my friend had a life and chose not to keep it. I can only think it must have been a split second decision - but she stood waiting for it to happen, so it can't have been.
I miss my friend horribly. We knew each other since school and she knew my partner before I did and was there on the night we got together. She was funny, blunt and quick witted. She organised holidays for us all to go on and I just wish she hadn't done it. She had friends, family and a lovely boyfriend and whatever she was going through she could have gone to someone for help.
I'm going through some tough stuff at the moment and I wanted to contact her as she knows me and my partner, one of the few people that knew us seperately first.
I suppose I'm posting here to see if anyone else has been through the suicide of someone close to them and if there's a way through this. I thought it would get better but it won't go away, there are so many questions, so much anger, disappointment and horror at what she did. Thanks for reading this, there's no-one 'real' I feel I can share this with.
Thank you for posting some support. I don't have a faith so I don't know about prayers, but just having someone thinking strong thoughts for me is a help
How terrible for you. I'm so sorry. Last year my husbands friend killed himself. He was only sixteen. they knew each other through the internet because they're both into game design. The worst part is he sent an instant message to my husband the night before he died but I was on the computer at the time and told my husband when I got off that shawn sent a message but by then he had signed off. Talk about forever feeling guilty. I even had a bad vibe when he sent the IM. My husband misses him. he was a great game designer. Sorry to go off on my own little tangent. I hope things get better for you.
Thanks, it's good to hear your story. I think there's a lot of guilt around suicide, it feels worse than any other kind of bereavement I've been through.
oh, so sad...
I've lost a brother and uncle to suicide
and many others, including parents, to various diseases, freak accidents, etc.
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opening up like this is the first step to healing...talking it out.
no words can ever make it go away -- it will be there -- always.
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It's what we do w/ the hurt.
do we let it "kill" us too? -- remember -- killing isn't just physical death -- it can be death of spirit, death of emotion, death of joy
or do we use it to become stronger.
I'm always remember how iron becomes a beautiful sword.
It gets heated almost to point of melting -- then gets hammered and reheated and rehammered over and over again...until at last it becomes a useful sword.
funny thing is the more it is hammered and heated, not the less, the better it becomes in the end.
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you are being hammered hard by this....it's burning your heart to the point it feels it will melt.
and THAT hurts!
so MUCH more so than those growing pains we experienced as kids -- but we grew.
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can this become a way to grow?
could you remember her and them by some type of community service (suicide prevention, cancer prevention -- in America we have Walk for the Cure for cancer -- something else?
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right now you just need a great {{{{{BIG BEAR HUG}}}}}...a shoulder to cry on and get it all out.
we're all here for you -- just wish we could be THERE for you.
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prayers are with you -- and tho' it is said so often it seems trite --
God is there.
footprints poem
Thanks Doug. I've always loved that poem. I can't ever read it without crying. At the moment I don't feel like growing - I'm shrinking. I'd love that great big bear hug.
Thanks Doug. I've always loved that poem. I can't ever read it without crying. At the moment I don't feel like growing - I'm shrinking. I'd love that great big bear hug.
it's spring here in NC
and here's one of those "curious paradoxes"
ever seen/heard of the musical The Fantasticks ??
it open w/ a line by the narrator:
"There is a curious paradox that no one can explain:
who understands the secrets of the reaping of the grain?
Who understands why spring is born out of winter's laboring pain,
Or why we all must die a bit before we grow again?"
Now I know that many English folk are rabid (to put it mildly) gardeners --
and consider what those seeds have to do
start to ROT, SHRIVEL, and DIE
before NEW LIFE SPRINGS
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yes, there IS a time to shrivel
a time to die inwardly as it were
and that's where you are NOW
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but....let us hope/pray/send super vibes your way ---
that it is NOT where you stay...
but becomes the seed for new growth and life.
((trying to force hug to you via the net))
My other half certainly is a rabid gardener! I like the metaphor. I am happy to be in the 'dying' stage if it means new life will come this way some day. I just wonder how long this will last. Thanks again Doug, you are a kind person.
My sister walked into her bedroom on August 4, 2006 and found her boyfriend of 10 years with a bullet in his head. I can not write more about this right now....it's too hard. But I do want to say that the death of a young person (he was 34...my age) can never be explained good enough to make us feel better. I just wanted you to know that you are most certainly not alone. -Sweet
My other half certainly is a rabid gardener! I like the metaphor. I am happy to be in the 'dying' stage if it means new life will come this way some day. I just wonder how long this will last. Thanks again Doug, you are a kind person.
consider how long it can take a flower to grow
or a majestic oak?
you might now even see it happen -- until suddenly one day -- aha! I've grown.
(Happy thoughts as fertilizer winging your way! (beats mom's fav. -- fish emulsion!)
In my lifetime I have seen many people go by suicide. The one that stands out is the neighbor boy that lived behind me. He was a sore thumb and most likely the center of many jokes. He took his fathers gun and shot himself. He was in Junior high at the time.
Just the other night my neighbors friend ended his life and he was eighteen.
There is no way to get the answers you are looking for. There was a episode of Oprah about this very subject and all the families had no idea. Perfect and happy on the outside but not on the inside.
I am sorry that you are going trough this and I hope you can find some way to cope. I am sure she would have wanted you to remember her when she was alive and not for how she ended her life.
My dad passed away a couple of years ago from heart failure. I remember the last phone call I had. I snapped at him because it was late. It was not because of him I was mad but because my sister caused so much trouble. She lived with him and he was in transition care. She did not visit him or take care of the situation. I did all of it during my highschool years. Anyway I tried hard to remember the call. I remember snapping but calmed down and told him I would tell my sister he called. That was my last conversation with him. He passed about a week later. I was the first to get to the hospital knowing he had already died. It was hard and I talked to him and told how sorry I was. Even after years it still makes me cry.
I hope you can find what you are looking for.
Emma, I'm so sorry for the hurt you're going through right now (((HUGS))).
My Dad attempted suicide in my flat, when he was staying with us, 7 years ago. He was very depressed at the time, it was not his first attempt, and I am afraid that it won't be the last. I cannot imagine how it feels to loose someone so close to you, out of the blue, and not even be able to begin to comprehend why they are gone.
You will be in my thoughts,
Kelly
I walked into my brothers bedroom and he was dangling with a noose around his neck I screamed and got my dad who cut him down just in time. I was probly around 11 when this happened. The second time- I was about 15- he put an electral cord around his neck while standing on a small 2nd story platform in the barn/garage he wrapped it around a beam and tried to jump while my dad, brother and I stood there yelling at him to stop. My dad practically ran up the ladder and got him in mid jump. Both times we have no idea why he did this. He doesn't even really know himself. Suicide is never the answer. I have a friend whose best friend was his cousing that at 16 killed himself. It's been over 10 years and he still is angry, hurt and doesn't understand why. There was no warning signs at all with him. It just doesn't make sence.
I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I really don't know what to say to help you.
Emma, I am very sorry to hear you are going through this...a book that really helped me was Beyond Grief by Carol Staudacher...someone gave it to me when I didn't think I could ever feel happy or fine again..
You might want to consider a grief counselor..they are helpful as well.
Emma,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Not to bring on more sorrows but I used to be an Advance emergency Tech, and I got a call one day for a suicide, It was a friend of my daughters'. She took a gun, and shot herself. This was a girl whoo hated firearms. Well needless to say this was my last call.But as my youngest said(he was 5 at the time) when someone dies another angel is born. His Gram(my mom) told him that.
Emma--
Any death is hard on the living........with suicide, there are so many unanswered questions, and the more you think of the why's, the more frustrated you will be. You are going through the grieving process and trying to make sense out of something that will never give you those answers.
Remember the good things about your friend, and the joys she brought to your life. She will always have a place in your heart.
(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Denise
Hi Emma, I am so sorry for what you are going through. As someone who has had personal experience with the desperation/sadness/helplessness/depression/loneliness behind attempted suicide, I will tell you that you can never really begin to comprehend why someone would want to end his/her life unless you've felt those horrible feelings. I have almost lost several loved ones to suicide attempts, and it's such a sad thing to deal with. Like others have said, there are so many unanswered questions and so much wondering "why". Take comfort in believing that your friend is in a better place now, where she can be at peace with herself.
My favorite (for lack of a better word) sympathy card has the following verses on it ... hopefully they will comfort you:
"When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow. A bird gives the message back to the world and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry. People disappear, but they never really go away. The spirits up there put the sun to bed, wake up the grass, and spin the Earth in dizzy circles. Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the daytime when they're supposed to be sleeping. They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets and make waves splash and tug at the tide. They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes. And when they sing windsongs, they whisper to us, 'Don't miss me too much. The view is nice, and I'm doing just fine.'"
I think that says it just perfectly. (((BIG HUGS))) to you, Emma.
It really struck me how 'empty' death is. I don't want to offend anyone here, so if you have religious beliefs please don't take any offence - you are lucky people to have that faith - but I don't. I don't beleive there is anything 'more.' Death is the end. I have no sense that my friend is 'out there' her life is just gone, nothing of her remains she's just a memory now. I so wanted to feel that there was something more and it is so cold and empty. What an incredible waste.
I can only think that people die of physical illnesses that no-one knew they had and she died of an emotional disease that we didn't know about - maybe she didn't either.
emmascakes
I have no choice yet in religoius belief. I want to believe that we go somewhere but have no solid proof of that. I have always told myself that If I saw a ghost that I would believe in something or have a sense of calm over death.
Maybe it is turning thirty this year and I am having a crisis!
I understand what you are saying about being such a waste. I truly believe that it is not the seconds you have lived but what you did in those seconds. She has made a huge impact on your life and still is. That does count for something right. Maybe she isn't floating around watching you, but I guarantee that this will have a positive impact.
On the show of Oprah I saw a woman had "her day" The day that she was going to end it all. That day she chose to live. Her story aired and dozens of people chose to live that day.
I cannot begin to understand what you are going through but really truly beileve you will find some calm. What you have told us, she was a wonderful person. (((((HUGS)))))
Emmacakes--I personally have never known anyone that's commited suicide, but like most on here I have had my own personal things to overcome in life. In a 10 month period 2 years ago I lost my Dad, my step-Dad, my grandfather, a great aunt, had two surgeries then was told "Im not happy, I want a divorce" 
UUHHGG!!!!
Hun, what doesn't kill us will make us stronger!!!! Women are tough creatures by nature! Sometimes easier said than done, but always try to look to the positives of an event. Remember the good times you and your friend had together.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, K'ly
emmascakes I'm so sorry about your loss.
My husband's only brother killed himself a few years ago. He lived by himself a couple hours from us and they didn't find him until a couple days later (my in-laws were used to not hearing from him for a few days at a time and they had seen him the day before he did it). They had known that he had depression but my husband and I hadn't had a clue.
I think there's always a feeling of guilt when someone close commits suicide, we had been out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary the day he did it.
It was very hard to get through that week, my oldest turned 5 the day before the wake and you can't tell a kid that age that you aren't having a birthday because everyone's upset. I felt really bad for my in-laws, they had to plan the funeral on the day their son would have turned 32.
If I think about it I can get pretty upset at him, my oldest has very dim memories of him and my youngest knows him as a picture on the wall. I also know how much it hurt his parents and grandparents and that doesn't seem fair to me. And my husband doesn't have a brother.
PM me if you want.
Thank you everyone. It is good that we've shared our stories, no-one seems to talk about suicide. In fact the people that I have told about my friend have said some very odd things in response. One person told me about their friend who drives trains about told me all sorts of horrid stuff about scraping people off tracks etc. How they could have thought that was helpful I just don't know. mbelgard - I feel angry too and felt horribly guilty about that, I relate to how you feel.
.... but have no solid proof of that. I have always told myself that If I saw a ghost that I would believe in something.
It really struck me how 'empty' death is.
to both of those -- how true, how TRUE---
even for people of faith.
it's paradox of faith that by definition it's belief withOUT proof -- which is something so hard to do for anyone -- even those of faith "wrestle" with it -- just listen to the "bargaining" --> God if you'll do this, then..... even the faithful want the visible proof.
and just because one has faith doesn't mean in a situation like this the heart isn't empty, the soul doesn't feel empty.
faith for some is belief in a higher power that is active in the world and has made promises of a hereafter. --- considering all the people through all the ages who have had a faith of this sort in some form or another, there seems to be a biological need if not hardwiring to seek god. Time magazine even did a cover story on that once.
faith for others is a simple belief "it will get better" and with time most things do
in any event faith brings HOPE, hope for a tomorrow, for a future, for a meaning to it all.
a wise philosopher who was then echoed by many a writer and poet, once pointed at that no person is forgotten or gone so long as that person's deeds and the memory of that person goes on.
yes, she is physically gone, but she live in your heart and mind and in the hearts and minds of her friends. (that ET thing --- "I'll be right here" as he points to Elliot's head)
the void is deep, seemingly bottomless...but it can be filled, one memory, one deed done in her memory at a time.
Have hope, have faith each tomorrow will be better.
Hi Emma,
I am so sorry to hear of your grief. I do have a strong faith, so I can't pretend to understand what you're feeling in that sense, but I will pray and hope that you find some peace in time after such a sudden loss.
I lost my uncle at 24 to a drug overdose when I was about 10, and a family I worked for (I was their only employee) had a 16-year-old son who went home from school one day, wrote them a note that it was their fault, and shot himself in his bedroom. They live there still, and even 12 years later, I see her yearly Christmas news letter is still shadowed by memories of him and their loss. She's at peace more now, but the questions still remain and the loss is still a loss.
They say time heals all things; they say that everything happens for a reason; and while I personally believe that death is not the end of our soul, I don't think the pain of the loss for those of us left behind ever goes completely away but maybe just softens and blurs a bit with time...
Hugs and tears for you, my dear.
I really am sorry. It is such a painful and emotional time when you lose a friend. I lost someone very close to me, a couple of years ago, he didn't kill himself. He was attacked, stabbed and left to die. I think the hardest bit is the 'what ifs' and the 'whys', all the things you should have said, still in the back of your mind. I broke down and I fell apart. If im honest i felt cheated, I'm not religoius but i do believe that there is some where after death. I have no proof but the thought of nothing and total darkness to me is far more scarey then maybe believing a lie. I'ld like to think that when you die you do hear the things that people wanted to say. I still think about him every day, have a cry and still I ask why? But it is true what they say time is the greatest healer.
I hope you are coping ok and i wish you all the best. I realy am sorry.
Lexy
Emma, I am so sorry that you are going through this, I can only imagine the anger that goes along with the grief when someone dies at their own hands, but please try to remember that depression is an illness just the same as anything else....I have sufferred through bouts of anxiety off and on all my adult life, sometimes I would get so scared that something was wrong with me, that I could literally feel the symptoms...chest pain, shortness of breath, panic attacks etc....and they are totally overwhelming and all consuming, thanks to meds that I take when things start coming back (my doc describes my anxiety as a cancer in remission--I can go a year or 2 with no problems, then it sneaks back so when it does I go get a prescription) I am able to move forward with my life, but if it has taught me anything at all....its that mental illness can be all consuming, it can be all you ever think about, it distorts your perception, it isolates you (no one wants to be thought of as crazy) and its embarassing. I think we would probably have less suicide if people felt open to talking about mental illnesses....I certainly dont normally advertise this about myself, I have friends and family who dont even know that I suffer from it.
Hang in there, know that it wasn't her fault, she didn't ask to have a mental illness anymore than anyone asks for cancer or any other disease. Not that it makes the grief any less, but perhaps it might help with the anger.
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