I know you guys really don't want to hear about this but I can't talk to my family about it because I really don't need to hear what they are going to say, most of my friends are mutual friends and I really need to talk about it.
I think my husband is cheating. 
I have no proof and some people may say that I am jumping to conclusions but there is so much that doesn't fit.
I guess I should explain. My H (he isn't very dear at the moment) and I got into an arguement earlier, nothing major just a little one, but he got mad and left. This was around noon. I sent him a text message at around 1 this morning asking if he was planning on coming home. When he got home (2:45) he was acting funny. He wouldn't look me in the eye, and he kept telling me all of this bull that he supposedly did. He said that he left here and went and met is cousin at the McWane Center (hands on science museum for those who don't know), stayed there for about 5 minutes, went to meet a friend to take him to a show (Roj is in a band) because his truck isn't running and it is too cold for his motorcycle, and then he went to hang out with two of his other friends. Here is the problem. He is acting funny, he left around noon went to the McWane Center where he stayed for 5 min. even with driving time that would put him leaving there no later than 1 and he didn't have to meet Roj until 6. Plus the other two friends would have no problem with lying to me and saying he was with them even if he wasn't. I know it sounds like a big jump to say that he is cheating but he has before and he acting the same way he did then. I don't know what to do. I asked him and he just got mad, said he didn't "do anything wrong" and something about being a grown man and went to bed. Am I stupid for getting this upset?
Hi 
I'm afraid I don't have any experience with cheating husbands ( just abusive ones 
) but you know him & his behaviour ( from before ) so I guess you do have the right to be upset & suspicious,particularly if he doesn't give you straight answers.Usually, if a guy cheats once,he can do it again ( not that I'm saying he has ). You need to talk to him about it,let him know how upset you are ( easy for me to say,I know ! )
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do
julie
Tell Tale Signs of a Cheating Spouse:
http://www.pimall.com/nais/n.spouse.html
More Signs:
http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/cheatingspouse.html
32 Emotional Signs That He's Cheating:
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscheating/0,,nt4p-p,00.html
Spies Online:
http://www.spiesonline.net/cheatingpartner.shtml
How to Catch a Cheating Spouse:
http://www.pig-dogs.net/catch_what_info_do.html
HTH
Sorry to have to say this but we have women's intuition for a reason... and usually we are right. If he won't be honest with you, you have to decide what you want to do. Can you prove it or disprove it to yourself somehow? Or do you want to just go on like nothing was ever suspected? I know how hard this is to go through and what a completely different person it can turn you into when someone lies to you but you know the truth in your gut. I hope that you can resolve this quickly and know that you NEVER have to apologize for sharing this sort of thing here. There are so many of us and why not learn from each others experiences???!! Not to mention the wonderful shoulders here. Good luck!
Ummm...well...I am guessing that 6 out of 11 on one of the "Tell Tale Signs of a Cheating Spouse" and 24 out of 32 on another is a bad thing, huh? OMG! I can't believe this. I knew, after the first time that I should divorce him, I just didn't want to fail at my marriage. My mom called and said she had a feeling something was wrong (we are close like that) and I spilled everything. Of course she said all of the stuff that I knew she would which just made it worse ( I know, she was trying to help). The first time was almost 2 years ago, 3 months after we got married and she threw a fit that I didn't leave him then. I can't help but wonder many times has he done this between then and now. I think the worst part is I just saw my anniversary "Ticker" on myspace. 15 days away. "Hi Honey, Happy Anniversary." I am so sorry, I can't stop crying and don't want to deal with this alone right now.
trust your gut. Women have great intuition on things like this. I wouldn't act until I had proof. Can you follow him next time without him knowing? Also, have you ever tried counseling? REALLY tried it? It did wonders for my husband and me.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with theses feelings. I know they're not easy to manage.
We tried counseling the first time it happened, and it did work for a little while, at least I thought it did. My mom thinks that it is just because I am losing weight and he is gaining. She says that his self confidence is low because of it. As for following him, not really an option. I have my daughter with me at all times when she isn't in school.
I am not going to do anything rash. I have been up all night talking to my mom and looking at my options. I am applying to several jobs and am going to tell him that I just want to go back to work, this way I will have a job if something is happening. Then I will watch and wait and see what happens. The major thing I am worried about at this point is my DD. Husband & I have been together since she was 2 and she is very attached.
Don't you just love the strength of women. It still amazes me how fast we can go from crying our eyes out to having a plan and having our minds made up. It hurts unbelievably, but I am not going to let my DD see me like this and I am not going to let him get the best of me. By the way, thank you Jules, Michelle and Rlsaxe for the support and Jan for the in your face info (sorry, guess I just wasn't ready for that kind of revelation), I seriously needed it. I can honestly say that without you guys and my mom I probably would have packed up and left with DD in the middle of the night. Thank you.
Did you sit down and have a face to face with him yet? He is definently not acting right. If he's done this once before as much as I hate to say it, he is more likely to do it again.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. You are at a major crossroads right now and need to be true to yourself and to your daughter. If he is cheating on you, you don't want your DD to see it and think that this is how women get treated and it's ok.
I wish you the best!
Not only are women strong and resiliant, so are children. I'm not saying he's definitely cheating, but it does sound like he's up to something. If you can go to counseling, that would be great, but whatever you decide to do, don't stick in a bad marriage because of DD. She will be okay, and when she's older, she'll understand that you didn't deserve that treatment, and that she deserved a more 'worthy' male role model in her life.
Do what you have to do for you and DD. If your marriage fails, that doesn't mean that you have failed. You've done nothing wrong, and as much as we would like to, we can't control the actions of others.
I tried talking to him this morning. I just asked if everything was ok and that he was acting a little strange and he started screaming at me and cussing me. This just makes me believe even more that he has done something. It may not be cheating but it is something just as serious. I feel like crying again but I called my sis to pick up DS and all I can do is reassure her that everything is ok until she is with my sis. How do I always pick the losers. I am like a magnet to them
Thank you guys for listening, CCer's who have read this thread and my mother are the only ones who know exactly what is going on and the only ones I can talk to for now. My sis is used to us fighting so she thinks that is all this is, she is older and very protective so I don't want to tell her until I definitely know what is going on.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. There is never an easy way to handle something like this. Definately set-up a meeting to visit with a counselor or a preacher. This doesn't have to be the end of the road for your relationship. Talk to him...and get him to talk to you. When my husband and I have a problem we write letters to each other because he just clams-up when we fight face-to-face. Try writing him a letter telling him everything that you feel and think. Unfortunately, male minds are on a totally different wave length then female minds. When a women screams, "Your a selfish pig and you hurt my feelings," the man hears, "I have PMS today and you just pissed me off." Writing it down communicates your feelings better and your husband can re-read the letter for comprehension or read it again when he has cooled-down enough to think rationally.
I would like to hope that your relationship can mend, he will change his ways, and you will forgive him. However, if he has cheated multiple times before remember this saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Just remember that things will get better and you always have friends here to help you through anything.
Thank you guys. You will never know how much being able to talk about this openly is really helping.
If he is indeed cheating then he just went off to see her. He has been doing his best to pick a fight all day (you guys would be proud, I did a lot of "mmhhmm" "yeah" "ok" and did not react or raise my voice once) and when he couldn't get a fight out of me he finally left. I know this is bad to say but I am at the point that I just wish he would never come back.
Unfortunately, male minds are on a totally different wave length then female minds. When a women screams, "Your a selfish pig and you hurt my feelings," the man hears, "I have PMS today and you just pissed me off."
However, if he has cheated multiple times before remember this saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Just remember that things will get better and you always have friends here to help you through anything.
I needed that! I think that is the first time I have laughed all day.
As much as I hate to say it I think we are at the shame on me stage. He has been acting strangely for a couple of weeks, I just chalked it up to male PMS (it is a proven fact) and didn't listen to my gut. It just got worse last night and today. Stupid me.
You guys are so great! I don't know what I would do without you today.
Angel~ I wish you were here or I were there so I could just give you a hug. Sometimes that's all we can do to support each other. Not be the I told you so and so on and so on. Just know that no one here is going to say I told you so and if they do shame on them. That never makes anything better.
As far as him trying to pick a fight....that's typical. It sounds like he's just trying to justify his behavior by starting a fight to get you riled up, then he can blame it on your behavior to make himself feel better. Even if it's subconscious. As far as counseling goes....I think it would be a great idea for you to go by yourself. It would really help you to talk to someone that will give an honest opinion that isn't emotionally attached to the situation. You don't have to tell him. Especially if you are going to get a job. I just think that whatever you learn about yourself, how you feel about yourself, and the things you do to improve anything will be nothing but beneficial to you and your DD no matter what happens with your relationship with the husband. Be strong girlfriend!!! Know that we are here!!!
I think it's odd that HE is gaining weight. Normally, when one is cheating in a marriage, they LOSE and not gain. But it is not always the case, I guess.
Anyway, it's a sickening feeling thinking he's cheating, but not being able to prove it.
Just a strange question: Could it be that you are hoping that he might be cheating so you have a reason to get out of the marriage? I know that sounds weird, but it does happen.
Have you also really tried stepping back and looking at the whole situation with fresh eyes? Coudl he possibly have adrinking problem and stayed at a bar all night? Most bars near me close at 4 or 5 am, which I think was the time you said he returned home.
Anyway....just some things to consider.
I really hope the situation turns out for the best. Divorce is a painful process....not like how simply it is portrayed on tv.
Keep talking though. You shouldn't keep these things bottled up and it's always good to talk it out with people.
We're here for you.
Good thought Rlsaxe, I even thought that for a little while today, and then I thought that maybe I was losing my mind. Because of these thoughts I finally sat DC (his initials, I promise I am NOT calling him Dear Cheater) down. More like I cornered him and told him that he was going to sit down shut the **** up and listen to what I had to say and that he WAS going to respond this time, WITHOUT cussing, screaming, yelling, or throwing things. I told him exactly how I felt and at first he did his little spit and sputter "I didn't..." and I told him that if he couldn't tell me the truth and tell me what the heck was going on then DD and I were leaving right then and there and wouldn't be back. He calmed down and asked me why I thought he was cheating. I told him that he has been acting very strange lately and when he came in last night (this morning) he was acting like he did that day 2 years ago. He sat quetly for a minute and my first though was "OMG! It's true and he knows he is busted". WRONG! Although at the moment I am not sure which is worse, he was in fact NOT cheating on me. He is taking Loratabs and Oxycottons, at least four a day for the last few weeks. Last night one of the guys at the bar talked him into trying coke. That would be why he was acting so much worse last night then he had been. It never crossed my mind that it could be something like this. Beatable, yes, and definitely easier for me to get past but now we have a long hard battle in front of us. I guess the reason it is so hard to believe is that we are both so totally against recreational drugs (not being prudes, just not a choice for us). I knew it wasn't drinking, he was a social drinker when we met and not it is few and far between. Absolute relief he is not cheating but ughhh...
I know that it will be extremely hard on both of us, especially him, but I also know that we can get through it and come out on the other side stronger.
If you guys don't see me for a while, please know that I found the guys who put this stuff in front of him (esp. last night). DH likes to joke and make people laugh (part of what was missing), and is always saying things to make me smile (another part) he said "I had to find something as addictive as Cake Central!" Laughter is the best medicine.
Thank you so much for helping me get through all of this. I don't know what I would have done without you guys. Hugs and kisses to all of you!
It will be a hard road for the both of you, but I am so glad that he came clean with you. It shows that he's ready to put that behind him and concentrate on his family. Good luck to you both and never forget that we're hear to listen if you ever need anyone.
I really think that it was the thought of losing his family that struck home. He is as attached to DD as she is to him, and I know he loves me, as I do him. I just hope he means it. He gave me the bottle of pills (which I flushed immediately), and I am trusting that was all of them. He agreed (& put in writing) that if I ever found out he took another pill I could put him in Bradford (local rehab) and he would stay as long as needed. I am so amazingly relieved!
Michelle, thank you for the thought, that is what counts. The love and understanding I have felt from everyone through all of this has been the best hug I could have received.
It's great that the truth is out there. Be very watchful of what he does and where he goes and who he's with. Oxycottin is an extremely addictive pain killer. It's the drug of choice these days.
Hopefully, he hasn't gotten too used to taking them. But four a day is a lot!
Exhaust every option youhave so you can help your husband put this behind him. It'll be worth it.
I'm glad for you sake that he wasn't being unfaithful again.
We're here!
I'm glad you two sat down and talked. Take him up on his offer for rehab if he breaks his promise.
I have delt with drug addiction. Not myself--I've never tried them, but with my BIL, and my 2 brothers. It doesn't take long to get hooked. My brother snorted cocain once and was hooked on it for years. He just now is getting off of them after almost 5 years. My BIL fried half of his brain and athough a nice guy has severe mental issues and can easily be laughing one minute and plotting to kill you the next. He's on serious medication that keeps him on track, the reason he decided to take them is for his nieces and nephews. I can actually trust him now to watch the kids for about 35 minutes. Which is a very big deal because a few years ago I wouldn't hardly let them be in the same room out of fear. He's been clean for about 4 years now, and although not the same, it's good to have him back.
This will be very hard for everyone! There is no easy way out of addiction. However, it seems as if he really want to try. I'm not saying that to be nice, but because anyone who would let you flush their stash and doesn't try to kill you, means it. He wants to try. Just make sure that your DD is ok in the process. Kids are smart and she probably senses something is wrong. It may be better to be honest with her, just not too many details. Best of luck in everything. If you ever need to talk we are here for you.
We told DD that "daddy has a problem we just have to work through and everything will be fine". She seems ok with it, she tells my mom everything and all she said to her was that daddy was sick but he is getting better. I know that at 7 she knows more than we think but at least she wasn't hear for the break down. I think the cocaine scared him, that and after we talked we were in the kitchen playing cards and I had a rerun of Intervention on in the lr, I told him that with the letter he wrote he wouldn't have the chance to say no! I know, evil to an extent, but if it works who cares! I could handle losing my husband to a woman a heck of a lot easier than losing him to drugs. We will make it through this, I am too stubborn to give up.
Good luck with everything. It's a great sign that he gave you his 'stash'. Take heart. If he is determined to quit, he can. He will need your support, and he may need additional help from rehab or whatever, but he can do it.
I've been on narcotic painkillers (dr. prescribed) for five months, starting with Darvocet and working up to 8-10 Percocet and 4 Valium per day. I was very worried about getting addicted, but needed them for pain management. I'm weaning myself off of them this week and am down to 2-4 Percocet a day and no Valium. Other than some blinding headaches the first couple days, I've been fine.
There's no way to tell how he will react. Some people are just more sensitive to addiction. If he really has been using just for a couple of weeks, he should be able to kick it.
Kudos to you for standing by your man and for forcing that tough conversation. You're right, this is not good, but there are worse things. You guys will get through it. You will both be in my prayers!!
I asked him and he just got mad, said he didn't "do anything wrong" and something about being a grown man and went to bed. Am I stupid for getting this upset?
No you weren't stupid for getting upset as you now know. When I read your post and saw he'd said he didn't "do anything wrong" I laughed - not, I hasten to add, at your situation and anxiety - but at him. That little phrase actually screams "I have done something wrong!!!"
Even though he hadn't been having an affair he had been doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Most guilty poople almost always give away the one thing they want to hide by a verbal denial of some sort.
I think it is a sort of 'heading off at the pass' type of behaviour - the guilty party thinks to themself, I'll deny it (whatever 'it' might be) and so put the person seen as interrogator/accuser off the scent. Instead, they almost always mention and signpost the very thing they want to hide.
I think it is a throwback to childhood guilty behaviours - you know the sort of thing where a child will say something like, "I didn't eat all the chocolate cake" , or " I didn't see the golf ball break the kitchen window" Too much information.
I wish you all the best and know you will stay strong. Good Luck
PS re signposting - ditto "being a grown man" - perhaps he doesn't feel like a grown man. Perhaps he is insecure about something or things - hence need for those drugs etc.
As an update to this wonderfully pitiful story and life that I live, I am at home today packing up my house. DH (dumb husband at this point) popped positive on a random drug test today and is refusing rehab. I know that drugs stay in your system for awhile, but the dr. said that it tested high so that meant he had taken them recently. I told him that it was rehab or goodbye family and he chose goodbye family. I will have to put in several hours of overtime so I will not be online nearly as much any more, so the upside is that my addiction to CC will be curbed for a little while...lol. The downside is that this house has been in his family for ages so if anything happens to us the next oldest child gets the house if he/she is married and he is. Sorry if this sounds cold or aloof, I guess it just hasn't sunk all of the way in yet. That and I am honestly tired of crying.
Edited to say: Oh, and our anniversary is one week from today. April 2nd to be exact. (No one would let me get married on the 1st, they were afraid I would say APRIL FOOLS and leave the wedding before I ever said "I Do", mostly because I always said that I would never get married...at least now I know why I said it)
I'm so sorry this has happened. You are a strong woman and a good wife. You stayed by him to help him and he failed. Not you. This is his own fault and I'm so sorry that he chose his addiction over his family. I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk we are here for you.
I agree with m0use. As I'm sure everyone else has advised you until your brain is numb - baby girl is the first priority. I'm sure you're a good mom and you will look out for her interests first. It sounds like you have a good family network to fall back on, and just remember not to try to do it alone. There are a lot of resources for you to use, so take advantage of them. Don't try to make logic out of your husband's choices or situation. There is nothing logical about it. Trying to reason his choices out in your brain will bring you down. Shoulders back, chin up, and this too will pass.
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