Beth, Like you, I keep peace at all cost.....my husband is very patient with me BUT he does like a "straight" house...it doesn't have to be perfect...so my routine is about an hour before he gets home we all (my two teenagers and I) sweep through the house and put away things and do chores we haven't completed so that when he comes in everythings nice and straight....and he says....thanks for having the house straight!....when work is stressful it just adds stress to come home to an unorganized house.....Don't give up beth.....this past valentines day my husband & I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary!!! So times it's tough and sometimes it's perfect!!!! In everything there are good days and bad days.....Love ya!

There in lies the problem, he would complain about messes that had been there but were already cleaned, or things he had done himself months ago. Because the complaining always sounds like a broken record, I decided perhaps there is something else behind it.

Guess who broke out her self help books Monday evening? Amazingly enough, I had a "slap myself upside the head" moment. I did go on to the doctor, he looked rather lost when I sat down and told him what what was wrong, how it had happened and my plan to fix it. I think he was wondering why I kept the appointment. But, I did get a suggestion for a Christian based marriage seminar, "How to Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage," and some meds to help me relax my shoulder and back muscles.

It dawned on me Monday evening when my husband was in bed reading a book and I was on the couch reading a book, ( spouses in two seperate rooms after the children have been put to bed and haven't seen each other all day. Hmmm...) If my kids come in to the room I say, "What's wrong sweetie, do you need something?" And give them a hug. If my husband walks in, I don't even look up. If the kids bring me something, even a dead weed from the lawn, they get, "Oh, how sweet. Lets put it in a vase. I love you, honey." Husband buys me jewelry and he gets, "Isn't that lovely." I know he is an adult, and shouldn't need codling, but I am definetly more polite to strangers and my children than I am my spouse.

I suppose I thought that since I wasn't a nagging wife or "Honey Do" list maker, that he should be happy with who I was. But I had lost myself in this circle of being a martyr and resenting him.

Were his hurtful words okay? NO! Is it all my fault? NO! But, I can't change him. I can only change myself and hope I have hit the nail on the head.

After having this revelation, I walked in the bedroom and kissed him on the cheek. He spent all day Tuesday at work trying to figure out why I would have kissed him? Now that is just sad...He thought I was trying a new way to get him to stop snoring. This morning I asked if thought he would have a busy day at work today, I normally don't speak before my second cup of coffee, I told him I would love to do lunch some day soon, and hugged him as he walked out the door. The poor guy was so confused. But, just trying to change my attitude with the small things, is making me feel great! I always say that my husband is my third child that I take care of. He defnitely got all of his physical needs met, but I gave him the leftovers on the emotional side.

So, we will see if it really was the junk mail that bothered him. Or the fact that I didn't say "Welcome home honey, how was your day?" before he saw the stack. And who knows, now that Flylady stuff might start sinking in..."

Thanks everyone for your help and support. All of this seems so cheesy, but even the stars looked brighter last night. And, as far as the cakes. I might limit myself to just a couple a month until I get back on track.

Beth, you are an amazing person. We are quick to beat him up in your defense, but you have stepped back and took a deep breath. That is very wise. I can hear your husband saying what mine has said before..."Who are you and what have you done with my real wife"!!!

I think the most important truth I have learned about men is that their #1 need is to have the respect of their spouse....this was a turning point for me in my marriage. Now he knows I trust and respect him and his judgements and abilities....
We're looking forward to many more happy years together.

I'm glad to hear about the Christian counceling....
I'll be praying for the both of you and your family.
God wants your marriage to be wonderful! He's on your side....and don't forget how He works in wonderful and mysterious ways.....accomplishing things we can't. God bless!

One day at a time girl, you are trying and that's important. Just stay true to yourself in the process.

i have been watching your thread for days and only commented with smiles to one of the jokes. i read your new entry and it made me cry. i have been married for 23 years. last year my husband left and things really got bad. but all i could do was place my trust in god and know that everything would turn out okay in the long run. at that point i did not know whether we would be back together or even if i wanted to go back together. he too had said some hurtful words for me through the years and i was just plain tired. i had prayed and ask to the lord to please let me out of the marriage and he told me to stand. but in all the confusion, hurt, etc. thats when i really had to just ask the lord to make me the wife he (the lord) wanted me to be. i stopped focusing on the hurtful things my husband had said, or what he wasn't doing and asked him to fix me.....i no longer let the small things get me down. i don't always come at him in a defensive way like i use to. when he ask me to hand him something, etc i no longer tell him to get it himself. i have started treating him in a kinder, gentler manner and in return he is now doing the same for me. whereas i use to argue my point to the end i listen to him and when i don't agree with him, i take it to the lord. i let the lord know why i don't agree and ask him to handle the situation. you would really be surprised at the times he has come back and said " you know what i thought about that it isn't going to work, etc". i thank god for my husband and i also thank him for changing me and well as the times he has let me know that i was wrong in my thinking. i know longer ask him to fix my husband. i ask him to fix me. to change the way i react to things.

you are in my prayers....and please remember, love does not keep a list of the wrongs...it hides a mulititude of sins.

I find that beings tend to act what they hear.
If you fill their ears with 'good girl'; 'that was so sweet'; 'you know just what a girl likes to hear'; 'thank you for getting me some water'; 'you're so thoughtful'; 'drive carefully - there are morons on the road'; 'love you'... etc. they tend to act in a way so they can hear more of that...
Works for people, dogs, horses...
I've had it work on the roughest, toughest preschoolers that noone else could handle, teenagers wanting to kill themselves, all the way through adults who have a grudge against the world.

I read "The proper care and feeding of husbands" and I liked it. A lot of people have negitive feelings toward that book and toward Laura Schlessenger, but regardless of that it's a good book for how to treat a husband. It may be just what you're looking for. Good luck and God bless. I am always so happy to hear about people working on their marriages.

Why is everything about how to treat your husbands ? It's a 2 way street -men need to know how to treat their wives / girlfriends with respect otherwise we're back in the dark ages where women are subservient to men,accomodating their every whim & men don't need to be accountable for anything.....

Expecting to tell a person to act differently, or treat you differently, isn't going to get you very far. It may work for a short time, but habits are hard to break. It is much better to change your own habits and see if the other person reponds in like. If not, then it is time to think about other alternatives. I suppose I came to the old conclusion of "Treat others the way you would like to be treated."

Unfortunately, men and women are so very different in the way they think. (Generally speaking of course.) Most husbands want to be patted on the back each and every time they take out the trash, where as a women might feel there is a hidden reason for her husband to compliment her unloading the dishwasher. I always think, "What, you don't think I do this every single day? What does he want now?"

I suppose it is alot like the Love Language book. My husband is more a words of affirmation and physical touch guy, and I am a acts of service person. I had started reading Laura's book on the Ten Mistakes Women Make and switched over to John Gray. I might need to check out "The Proper Care..." sounds interesting. My friends and I always joke that our husbands are our other children to take care of, and they need us to draw them a picture for everything. Instead of breaking out the crayons, I decided to just use positive reinforcement. That way, he doesn't feel I talking down to him.

I also need to work on asking for what I need from him. I am starting by telling him after he has done things for me, with a complement. "Thank you so much for bringing home dinner tonight, I was going to call and ask you if you would do that." He felt like he was my night in shining armor.

It has been pretty funny seeing the expressions on his face when I have kissed him goodbye when either of us are leaving the house without the other. I used to just kiss the kids on the head, but now I kiss him first. He thinks I have lost my mind. But man, things have been much more pleasant around here.

It sounds like you are on the right track.
I've been married for longer than half my life - has worked for me for decades...My DH just gets sweeter and more handsome as the years go by.

As of course do I.

Bethroze,
I admire you for giving it another try. As several others have also, just don't give up your identity and needs in the process. LOL, I agree with 7yrrt, it works well with people, dogs, and horses. I, too, have tried it on all 3. I wish you the best and you are in my prayers daily. I just started the Fly Lady thing myself. Just take it one baby step at a time.