I need to vent a little so please bear with me. My husband's nephew is 14 years old and he is driving everybody CRAZY! My MIL just called and said he has runaway. He crawled through the bathroom window and left. He won't go to school. He dresses like a freak. The principal at his school suggested he see a phyciartist (spelling?) so he has been there twice this week. I guess I need to fill you in a little more with the situation around here. My grandfather-in-law passed away Sept. 25 of last year. He left my hubby everything he had which included his house and 20 acres of which 2 acres hubby and I already lived on. DH's mom was a little scraped for cash and we let her and DH's sister, who was also scraped for cash, and the "runaway" move in to help them all out financially. We don't charge them a dime for rent, they just pay utilities. Ever since we let them move on the farm they have been nothing but trouble. The only thing is they would be fine if they didn't drag DH into everything that goes on. Every little problem becomes our problem. Just like tonight, DH had to get off the couch where he was napping after a long day at work and go to look for Tyler. I wish they would move if all they are going to be is trouble. I have bit my tongue for so long now trying to keep my mouth shut that it is bleeding. I want to tell them to solve their own problems and keep us out of them. If someone is sick or dying then call, otherwise DON'T! Thanks for letting me vent. It's just so darn frustrating!
It sounds like these people need to move along somewhere out of your alls hair. A year and a half should be plenty of time for them to find an apartment and slowly get back on their feet. Sorry to sound harsh, but you guys have done enough for them, it's time they do something for themselves if they can.
I swear if you asked them today they would probably say we don't do a thing for them. They are just that way. My DH just came home and said they found Tyler up at the cemetary by our house. DH was talking pretty rough to him and his mommy came and started babying him and telling DH not to be so rough with him. Now keep in mind that they called DH and asked for his help. DH told them that they had better not call him again that he didn't care if he ran away to the moon and then he got in his truck and came home. I am sitting here primed and ready for one of them (MIL or SIL) to call me. As the old saying goes, I am going to let them have it with both barrels. I am sick to death of all this. Thanks again for giving me a place to get it all out. I love this place so much!!!
go for it, they need to hear the honest feelings and truth of the matter! The boy deserves a swift kick in the booty if ya ask me, but then again..was he close to his grandpa? He may feel more lost then ever. However, that's not your problem because he's not your child! IF one of them call do not hold back!!!!
I'm sorry that i might have the wrong end of the stick here, but your nephew is only 14 yrs.old,could possibly be missing his great-grandfather ( does he have any other male mentors ( for want of a better word ) to turn to - besides your husband? ), going through the usual teenage angst ,running away....you don't come across as sympathetic at all. " dresses like a freak "" - in your opinion .What's what he wears got to do with anything ?
You & your husband got everything & you resent helping out his mother & sister ,who didn't get anything & are strapped for cash ?? 
Did I understand you correctly or am i totally off the mark ?? !!
Dordee, it sounds like you and your husband have been very gracious in letting them stay there at the farm. Do they do anything to help with the up-keep, or are they just being common leaches?
It's very stressful to everyone involved, but in my occupation--I see teenagers who act out like this. Usually (and I don't mean always) there's a huge "something" that the grown-ups aren't seeing. It could be a death, sexual abuse, depression, isolation, or just plain bad times in the close part of the family. Now, I'm not saying that any of these are what's going on with this child--I'm just saying he may need help. It's good that the psychiatrist is in on this one!
Y'all don't OWE them anything. Don't even go there. You're not OBLIGATED to "help" anyone. Remember that little thing called "self-preservation?" Well--it goes for your peace-of-mind, too!
As for you & hubby, he was right on in telling "mom" and "child" what's up. Right now Y'ALL are paying the biggest part of their bills--HOUSING. If they can't be more considerate of y'all's private time and private lives---let 'em hit the dang'd road, Girl!
Go on now! Git! Hyaaa! Git! <--(Good ol' Southern kickin-to-the-curb!)
-M-
There might be a good reason the grandfather did not leave them anything. It could be that they use people and won't help themselves. They need to be given set boundaries to get their lives back on track or they have to find other lodgings. If the MIL and SIL are not setting a good example for the boy, how is he suppose to know what is expected of him. Give him guidlines, chores, rules. He is running towards something, but it is not your job to raise him. Let DH know that this situation is putting too much stress on your family and that they need to stop expecting your husband to jump at every whim. He probably feels guilty that he inherited it all, but like I said, the grandfather must have had a very good reason.
I'm sorry that i might have the wrong end of the stick here, but your nephew is only 14 yrs.old,could possibly be missing his great-grandfather ( does he have any other male mentors ( for want of a better word ) to turn to - besides your husband? ), going through the usual teenage angst ,running away....you don't come across as sympathetic at all. " dresses like a freak "" - in your opinion .What's what he wears got to do with anything ?
You & your husband got everything & you resent helping out his mother & sister ,who didn't get anything & are strapped for cash ??
Did I understand you correctly or am i totally off the mark ?? !!
Well, I would have to say that you are totally off the mark. My DH's nephew had every chance in the world to get close to his greatgrandfather but chose not to. WE (DH and I) would go to nephew's house and get him and bring him to see his greatgrandfather and all he would do is sit there looking bored. He is selfish and has NO respect for his elders whatsoever. My DH just hates to see him going down the wrong path but he obviously is going to anyway. WE have tried to help him and frankly are tired of banging our heads against the wall. I have been sympathetic but my sympathy can only go so far. I'm sorry if saying he dresses like a freak is mean but he does. Of course I don't tell him to his face that he dresses like a freak. That would not be very grown up of me if I did. We have our own child to raise and I pray to God that he does not act like a spoiled, immature brat when he is 14. Sorry to vent but DH and I are not the bad guys here. We are going above and beyond to help his sister and her son out and we are not resentful about helping them out. If we were we wouldn't be doing it because believe me, they bring a lot of unnecessary grief to our lives sometime.
I'm not trying to start an argument here, just giving another viewpoint 
Whether you like your SIL or not, I don't think you should just write off your nephew - it's not his fault the way he's been brought up ( doesn't sound like his father's around ? ).Alot of teenagers act bored when visiting the "oldies "- not a crime ! He's not an adult, just a kid and even tho' he's not your child,he is family & doesn't that count for something ? If it was your sisters'son ( hypothetically speaking ) would you feel differently ?
jules06, I understand you have a different view and I can respect that. I usually don't get so defensive about things but I am tired of DH and I putting ourselves out there and constantly getting kicked in the teeth. I know he is a teenager but he could have some respect for his uncle and aunt. There is NO excuse for that. No his father has never been around. As far as I know he dosen't even acknowledge he is even his father. I guess I am so darn frustrated with Tyler because he is so smart. I am just afraid he isn't going to "wake up" and start being responsible for his actions. DH and I aren't writing him off but we are going to start limiting what we do for him. If he can't see how much less stress his mom has now that she is actually seeing a few dollars from her paychecks now that DH and I have been helping her then that's his problem and I am not going to worry about it. **On a positive note, he helped his granny today with the garbage without being told. Small gesture I know but believe me it's something big when it comes to this kid.**
the best thing i've ever done for my relationship with my family is to move at least 30 minutes away from them all!! lol. i love them all dearly, but sometimes being too close is the fastest way to destroy good feelings in the fam. now im close enough to go to all occasions and family functions, and far enough away to have my own space.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to distance yourself. No matter if he's family, the fact of the matter is that he is not your child to raise and it is unfair to expect your you and DH to interrupt your lives to deal with his problems. You are already helping the family. It is up to his mother to get him on the right track, and no matter what you do for him, if he's not expected to act properly at home, it won't make a difference.
Sorry if I sound harsh about this, I have a SIL that is similar to this, and DH and I have had a much more peaceful life since we've distanced ourselves from her and her family. If someone does not want to help themselves, there's nothing you can do for them.
I hope things get better for you, feel free to vent to your CC family any time you need to.
the best thing i've ever done for my relationship with my family is to move at least 30 minutes away from them all!! lol. i love them all dearly, but sometimes being too close is the fastest way to destroy good feelings in the fam. now im close enough to go to all occasions and family functions, and far enough away to have my own space.
I too live about 30 minutes away from all my family and we get along really well. Hmm...never thought about that before 
DH had a talk with his sister yesterday and I think she understands that we are not going to let her child interupt our lives anymore. We will be there for him if he needs to talk but when he starts that running away stuff again DH told his sister that she would need to call the police and let them deal with him. Thank you to everyone who listened and commented. I hope and pray that kid wakes up and realizes what great potential he has.
I understand your frustrations really I do but when a teen acts out like this it means they are troubled and looking for positive attention for one reason or another. There is a reason why the teen is acting out and its not just because hes a brat or whatever.
The kid needs a good dose of love from someone and anyone that cares and he needs a good talking to go w/ the love....."out of hand" teens won't change over night. It'll take consistent love and positive discipline to get the teen back on track. It can be very trying on those who really care but its beneficial to the child when the ones who love him stick w/ it and dont give up on him.
I know it's an aggravation when kids get this way but it's important for the adults involved to realize he is just a kid and kids need good loving family members and
friends who are willingly to help no matter how bad the situation becomes. You are the Aunt and uncle of this child so its not your sole responsibility it is his parents but as being his aunt & uncle it is your responsibility not to turn your back on him. For the record I dont think you are but from the frustration in your posts it seems like it wouldnt take much more before you do. I hope you dont. I hope this kids mom (too bad his dad isnt in the picture) will step up and get to the root of her sons problems and I hope that you,his aunt and your husband,his uncle,will also be willing to reach out to this kid no matter how bad things seem to get.
Dordee, I'm usually a bit more objective about things but I really feel sorry for your nephew
My nephews' situation is fairly similar ,he is 19 now, he's my sisters' son,his dad doesn't want to know him,he was wagging school,very moody,wouldn't talk to you if he ever came out of his room (i have no illusions about my sister - she is the worst mother 
)
Anyway,to try & cut a long story short, he moved in with my parents & honestly he's a different boy !! He's working, very social,very funny, a really great kid - they didn't have to help him but they did & thank god for that !
I was going to have him live with me but i have 5 kids already & a small house !! 
If families can't help each other out of whatever black hole they're in - then who will ?? I'm not saying you need to help MIL or SIL but he's young enough for you to steer him in the right direction...
getting down from my soapbox now.... 
DH's nephew went to therapy and they now having him going to see his therapist once a week. DH and I told his sister if we needed to go and sit in on a session that we would if she thought that would make a difference. He seems to be o.k. since his last incident but i guess time will tell. Thanks again for your responses and support. I really do appreciate it more than you know.
Teenagers needs rules and structure, just ask my dad and step-mom. They do foster care and usually get the teenagers and pre-teens that are having problems. The rules are clearly laid out for the foster children when they come in and they are told that there are consequences for their actions. These kids are also expected to help out around the house. If punishment needs to be dealt out, my parents follow-through on it. Some kids will listen to them and be better for it, and some kids unfortunately just will not work/listen to them and they have had to have those children leave.
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%