Girl I am SO proud of you for standing your ground! I wish you the VERY best of luck
I've been following this thread, and it's really got me worried. I'm glad to hear that you are not going to stand for that kind of treatment. It sounds like he has some issues that he needs to work out by himself, and you leaving for a bit might be what it takes.
Keep in mind, that if you do leave, it doesn't have to be permanent. DH and I had lots of problems similar to this a few years ago. I took the kids and left him for a year. He TOTALLY changed. We're back together now and our relationship is better than it has ever been. He needed some time to realign his priorities and realize what he had at stake. He's like a new man, and it's a permanent change, we've been back together for over a year and he treats me like a queen. (not to say we don't have some minor problems...heck, who doesn't!!)
Good luck, I hope you are able to work this out with him. Control is a very serious issue and I hope he can find a way to get over it.
I hope everything is ok with you...whatever decision you & dh make....whatever you end up doing...I just hope you will be ok. He does sound controlling & it's probably playing with your emotions, etc., so just take care of yourself and your children!!!!!
blocking the computer is one thing but telling you your lazy and worthless is unexcusable you are the mother of his 4 children what does he think you sit on the computer all day and the kids feed and cloth and bath themsleves that little elves do the laundry and cooking and cleaning. I fully believe that because my husband works very hard and allows me the oppurunity to stay home with my children that I in turn keep a clean house and prepare the meals and so on but if one day i was tired and didnt want to I wouldnt and there would be no fear of his retaliation I think its horriable that he talks to you that way I think its horriable that he would say he would blow his brains out that is manipulation this is not a little control problem this is major and I personally being no expert on the subject think he should get anger managment counsleing and if he refuses to go you should pack up and leave be prepared though sometimes leaving doesnt make them change you have to be prepared to be gone for good. I hope things are looking up for you.
My DH is acting nicer today, but I'm not buying it. I'm still too mad and hurt right now. We are still talking later wheather he likes it or not. What he did was as a mean joke and I just didn't find it funny at all and then true feelings started coming out of both of us. Jon has anger problems and he knows it. He just says if people didn't tick him off so easily he wouldn't get mad. 
I am grateful for how much he does for us, but I just hate how he holds it over my head. I know there are 2 sides to every story and I hate to sound like I'm bashing him but I'm really hurt right now.
first of all its not easy to take care of 4 kids the house the bills the laundry the cooking and such, i did it for 11 years and now work full time, and if my hubby came home and said the house is not clean enough i would throw a broom at him. he is a truck driver, has never cooked a full meal or cleaned the house like i do, or did the bills, he didn't even know where the kids doc was and my youngest had to tell him how to get there she was 7 then. you deserve more respect and something else is going on with him especially since he has not treated you this way before. he could be jealous because you are doing something you really really like and maybe he isn't so happy with the way is life is going right now. hope things get better for you, stress is not good on anyone.
I agree with born2bake4u. It's not easy with all that you have to do. I can only imagine having to take care of four children my one is a handful at times. I really hope things get better for you. No matter what decision you make on how to handle this, you'll be fine.
My ex-husband sounds very similar to your husband ! At the time, I had a new baby, 2 toddlers under 4 and a 9 yr old - he would come home from work,expecting dinner on the table & if it wasn't ready " what the **## have you been doing all day ??!! And god help me if i wanted him to help get the kids out of the bath & ready for bed - that's MY job ! not his..It was his car,his house,his money...i had to ask him for money if i wanted to buy something,he was very emotionally abusive & I eventually dreaded him coming home...so i took my kids & left - best thing i ever did !! Sorry for rambling on 
I know what it's like & I really feel for you - I hope you work it out & do what's best for you & your kids 
well, I talked to Zmama today on the phone and she brought up a good point. Jon's dad died last year on March 13 and it's almost the 1 year anniversary. His dad and him were very close and it still effects him and I'm sure it always will. However, that doesn't escuse him from being such an 
to me so we are still going to harsh this out later. If he doesn't say sorry and agree to be nicer and help out more I'll probably be moving out for a period of time. I don't want my marriage to end because I know he loves me and I love him, but things need to change so we will both be happy. Thanks everyone for all of the support and advice. I took it all to heart.
Monica--thanks for the tech support.
Before you have a talk, why don't you sit down and figure out what the cost would be to hire a full time maid, cook, chaufeur, babysitter/daycare, and all the other extras that you do to keep the family running smoothly. Once you have figured out what each one would cost per month, print out a bill. Have it ready to hand to him so that when he starts putting you down, you can say that the services rendered from you were $XXXX.XX this month and this would prove your worth to even a numbskull. I know that you can research these figures online and get very acurate information. He has to see that you are very valuable in more ways that even he can understand. His dad might have died a year ago, but that is still a sad excuse for the way he is treating you. Does he think putting you down will make his dad proud of him?
The thing is that the fact he's treating you this way has NOTHING to do with what you do or don't do, how clean the house is, or how well you take care of him and the kids. It has to do with HIS feelings of self worth and his anger issues. I hate to say this, but his promise to "treat you better" is an empty one. He is just trying to get you off his back. There are deep rooted issues in people who are controllers. I promise you, he feels completely justified in treating you this way. You yourself said he told you that YOU make him treat you that way. That's a classic line for abusers, and he IS an abuser. Not all abuse is physical.
Hon...I lived through this for over 20 years! Unless he's willing to admit he has a problem and get therapy, NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. Honestly, you need therapy too, to figure out why you've tolerated this for 10 years.
I had absolutely NO idea the mind games my ex played on me until I wasn't living with him anymore. I am a very intelligent woman. I would never have EVER believed I'd let a man treat me like that, but I did for over 20 years.
Please be careful and take this as an opportunity to really make your life better, either through therapy with him, or without him. *hugs*
Jon's dad died last year on March 13 and it's almost the 1 year anniversary. His dad and him were very close and it still effects him and I'm sure it always will.
It was 4 years this past January that my DH lost his father and it still affects him. To make matters worse, his dad died the day before his bday, so he dreads his bday every year. He gets very emotional and basically becomes an a$$ for a couple of weeks. It is very hard to deal with sometimes.
I hope that you can find a way to work things out with Jon. But you need to do what is good for you and your children. Like someone else on here said, if you are happy, your children will be happy. If you are unhappy, your kids will sense it too. Good luck and I'll be thinking of you and your family.
If he doesn't say sorry and agree to be nicer and help out more I'll probably be moving out for a period of time. I don't want my marriage to end because I know he loves me and I love him, but things need to change so we will both be happy. Thanks everyone for all of the support and advice. I took it all to heart.
Monica--thanks for the tech support.
I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough fo r you right now. Just remember...marriage has its ups and downs. Hopefully this will be the worst that it will ever be for you. If you both love eachother, then I'm sure you'll find a way through it...but in the meantime.....if you need your space....why don't you stay put with the kids and kick his butt out of there! you don't want to uproot them...it will be too difficult. pack his bag and tell him to come back when he realizes what a jerk he's been.
Monica--thanks for the tech support.
You are welcome. I wish I could have helped out more. I was soooo nice to be able to chat with you. Call me anytime.
Well, he's still being nice and starting to clean. He asked if I was going to vacuum and mop tonight and I said "No, I'm on strike" He laughed but is slowly realizing I'm serious. I have not cooked him a meal all day and I've been doing everyone elses laundry but his. (and Risque he is banned from the bedroom too) We are still talking to each other and as we normaly would (no yelling)
Jon's dad would not be happy with the way he's treating me right now and when I said that to him it caught Jon of guard and made him think. Jon's mom has been talking to him about counsiling but he doesn't want to go.
I did look into apartments and such but I just can't afford it. My parents would allow me and the kids to move in though since they have a big ol' house. I would love to stay home but can't afford to pay the bills for this house if something was to happen. We are not at the point of one of us leaving yet and taking a break from each other, but that doesn't mean it won't happen either.
He still refuses to say he's sorry for what he said and jokes about it. In a few days I will know for sure our future. Right now I just want to concentrate on my kids and my son's birthday party this coming weekend.
Marriage is tough and worth fighting for. We have been through a lot over the years so I'm trying to look at this as just one more hurdle to jump over. I truely want us to work this out for the sake of our marriage and our kids. However, if nothing is going to change in the future than I don't see how this will work. I don't want my kids to think that this is how you treat the people you love when you are upset. Jon normally doesn't treat me like this, it's been going on now for almost 2 months and has gotten worse over the last few weeks. Funny thing is just last week he decided he wanted to take me to Florida for 4 days in June for our 10 year anniversary and renew our wedding vows. I was so excited, now I'm not sure. This is the man who at one point in time drove 15 hours in a back of a pickup truck in November with it snowing on him just to see me for 16 hours on Thanksgiving and then get a ride back to his military base. My boss use to say when we were together that she can tell he puts me up on a petastil and I can do no wrong in his eyes. I guess I'm just wondering what has changed over time. Like I said eirlier, I know he still loves me but I just wish he would start acting like it again.
It doesn't sound like it's you, but more him. You said it - marriage is worth fighting for, even through the bad times. He has a right to his feelings, but not to make you feel bad just because he is.
I would make it clear that you are there for him, but not as a (figurative) whipping post. Most often we lash out at others for our own faults. Try to be firm, yet supportive. Give him the options, and a chance to come around. Psycho babble or not, he has to be able to accept himself and his feelings before he can show love and support to others. Oh, and don't stop giving hugs. Sounds like you BOTH need then right now.
I have read through these posts entirely. You said I don't know what has happened in our marrige after 10 years. Our first year or so is usually still filled with love and passion, as the years progress, we not only get older and wiser but changes occur from him being in an outside work situation, being around other people, having to make different choices, perhaps the stress of responsibility, you on the other hand are now a mom, with endless chores, being at home with only children, having to cook, clean, chauffer, run errands etc... Your world is the inside of your house, with not much in the way of exposure to the outside world and normal adult interaction with friends or work companions. The both of you have changed because of differences in exposure, and therefore have grown in opposite directions. In the past those little things that you thought were so cute that he did are now great irritants, the same for him. Those things are compounded as the years go by, and before you know it, you are trying to kill each other with words and actions. We somewhere down the line lose respect, the simple courteous things, like thank you and please, we lose the ability to sit and communicate. All these things that once were so easy are now very difficult. I can only say that before you get to the hate stage, find some time, just the two of you, and look back when things were good, spend some quality time together, just you and him, some good time as a family, and good time alone doing what you want, you both have to respect your individual needs as well as you needs as a couple and parents. You both can change this growth seperation, but it will take commitment, strength, the willingness to be compassionate and above all great love. Good luck to you, and may you all find happiness.
Thought I'd give you all a quick update. Jon and I have been talking and slowly working through things. We are actually doing descent right now considering. After much talking he admitted to being a jerk and taking his frustrations and stress out on me. He's been rescheduling appt's so he can spend a some time with the kids. Tonight I had a meeting at my DD school and when I came home he already had given 2 of the kids there baths and was getting ready to put another one in while he had DD doing her school work. He said I looked stressed last night and rubbed my back out for 1 hour. I hope this sticks, he's back to being helpful! However, we are still not back to 100% and it will take time. At least for right now we are ok, which is better than what we were just last week. We are talking again tonight and hopefully it will go well. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.
It's good that he admitted what he did. The point of marriage to is to not only grow old together, but also grow emotionally together. My hubby and I know that we constantly have to work on things to make our marriage work since we can sometimes be complete opposites on things. I'm sure two can make it work! 
Great to hear!
When I've got a "grumpy bear" (dd's words) in the house, there are a couple of things that work, in case you need them for the future
"I'm a B and you're a B, we've already covered that. Now, what's the real problem?"
and the other...
"I'm going to hold you whether you want me to or not, so get over here."
99% of the time, one or both of those will make things better and get him talking civilly about the real issues. It's great that you stuck to your guns (FIGURATIVELY) and worked things out!
risaxe- he finally unblocked it and yes I was blocking him from many things! He had to start doing his own laundry, making meals, cleaning up after himself and running his own errands. There was one other thing blocked too that really effected him 
Thanks everyone for all of the support during this time and advice. Marriage can be a great thing one minute and totaly suck the next, I guess we just decided that we don't want to give up on each other unless we are at the point of no return.
Still doing ok, getting a little better everyday. He's trying really hard to be better but I notice that I'm still holding on to a little anger and I have to let that go. It's just kind of hard for me to forgive him still, but I'm trying.
I am glad things are going well for you. YOU DESERVE the 1 hour back rub.
I am glad to hear that you and Jon are doing better. I know what you mean about the holding on to anger thing. I have noticed that I tend to do the same thing. It's hard to let it go when you have been hurt.
Okay, I realize I'm only getting a small amount of the whole picture, but it sounds like he's depressed right now. People who say things like, the only reason i don't blow my brains out, might not really want to do it or might not ever do it, but they're desperately trying to reach out. I know because I've been there. I've done totally inappropriate things, treated people horribly, just because I've been hurting. It's not an excuse for him, but you need to tell him that you realize he's hurting and you want to help him, but he needs to act appropriately. And his dad's death anniversary is probably a huge thing. My mom died this summer and I'm still struggling and I get pissed off that my dh doesn't realize it. He sounds like someone who picks fights because he has trouble talking about what's really bothering him. Again, that doesn't excuse his actions, but if YOU realize that, then you can help by trying to get to what's really bothering him.
Hubby and I used to fight about money all the time, but it was never what was really bothering us. We rarely fight about money anymore, because we recognize what the real problem is and we tackle that instead.
On another note, living with someone who is like this can bring you down as well. I've been struggling with depression since before we were married and it distresses me that I can see my dh getting down too. Recognizing problems can go a long way towards solving them and that means there's hope! I wish you the best and hope you can work things out. I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive marriage, but I strongly believe in trying your hardest to work things out.
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