I Hope I'm Wrong...

Lounge By AKA_cupcakeshoppe Updated 29 Sep 2009 , 10:00pm by Mug-a-Bug

AKA_cupcakeshoppe Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 5:01pm
post #1 of 26

my DH and i have been married for almost 6 months. things are fine. i think it's normal to have good days and bad days, all that matters is the good days are more than the bad, right?

anyway, lately we've been spending time with my family and i'm really happy about that. however i have noticed his attention to my brother's girlfriend.

he would tell me she's flirting with him but i don't think that's the case. she's a very sweet, young girl, guileless. as the weeks pass by i find that he gets excited about these family outings.
today we thought my brother wouldn't be able to make it, just his gf. then his gf insisted he go with us, so he did (he's in a band and he had a gig afterwards so he wanted to rest up). when we got home my DH told me my bro should've just not gone with us because he (DH) would've paid for his(bro) gf's dinner, etc. probably spent even more money than my bro did on her.
now i think this really struck a chord with me. it almost feels like he's competing with my brother. i've teased him about having a crush on her but he just chalks it up to me being crazy and jealous.

am i wrong? i hope i'm wrong...

25 replies
LaBellaFlor Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 6:01pm
post #2 of 26

You need to smack the [email protected] ay your husband and tell him to get a grip. First off, your husband is acting jealous of your brother, period. When he made that comment about your brother not coming and he would have paid for her, that was the comment that put the final nail in the cofin. I'm glad your not turning a blind eye like most woman do and then feel stupid cause they saw things and chose to ignore them. Heres the other thing, I don't think men always set out to cheat, but I do think they put themselves in bad positions that could end up getting them in trouble and sometimes do.

grandmom Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 9:25pm
post #3 of 26

Sweetheart, we have gut feelings for a reason. Never ignore that little voice. I'm old. I've lived a lot of lives and been through a lot of relationships. LISTEN to your little voice.

Having said that, I don't really have advice on what you should do about this, but ...

mindy1204 Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 11:05pm
post #4 of 26

Tough spot... I would just tell him you know whats going on, you are not stupid and if you have a reason to be... does your brother see it also? This is something that has to be addressed quickly to avoid it going further. Honestly my husband would be in the dog house for making a comment like your DH made.

Texas_Rose Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 11:20pm
post #5 of 26

When I read this earlier I was in a hurry and thought that it was his brother's girlfriend. I was thinking he was just excited that his brother had found someone...but it being your brother's girlfriend changes things. I think you need to tell him that's not how a married man should behave. You can even make it a little silly...tell him you know you have to guard him because he's such a sexy man icon_biggrin.gif

Of course, sometimes we overreact too. When I had been married about six months, my husband and I were both working for the same company but different stores. I had the night off so I cooked an elaborate dinner for the two of us and waited for him to get home. He worked 5 minutes from our place. An hour after his store closed he still wasn't home, so I called his store and a girl answered...not just any girl, but a coworker who had the reputation of being a real tramp. I hung up without saying anything and then I threw DH's belongings off of our balcony (which just happened to overhang the swimming pool). It turns out she was there showing him how to do the closing paperwork and balance out the safe...while one of her boyfriends sat there and waited for her.

LaBellaFlor Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 11:27pm
post #6 of 26

Texas_Rose it may have been an overreaction, but I still love it!

Texas_Rose Posted 26 Sep 2009 , 11:33pm
post #7 of 26

He couldn't swim either and it was December!!!

adree313 Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 12:19am
post #8 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor

You need to smack the [email protected] ay your husband and tell him to get a grip. First off, your husband is acting jealous of your brother, period. When he made that comment about your brother not coming and he would have paid for her, that was the comment that put the final nail in the cofin. I'm glad your not turning a blind eye like most woman do and then feel stupid cause they saw things and chose to ignore them. Heres the other thing, I don't think men always set out to cheat, but I do think they put themselves in bad positions that could end up getting them in trouble and sometimes do.




yep!

i'm sorry, i have no advice as for what to do, but i just wanted to say that i, too, believe in the whole "gut feeling" thing. sometimes it's wrong, but often times... not so much.



and texas_rose: i love that! icon_lol.gif just goes to show him "this is what happened when it turns out you weren't cheating, can you guess what will happen if you do??" icon_biggrin.gif

Caike Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 12:57am
post #9 of 26

I feel for you - my BF and I (not the same situation I know), have a tiff here and there about his ex GF whom which he still talks to. I was never the one in the serious relationship prior to us being together - so I am just at a loss on how to deal with this stuff.

I'd like to hear how this pans out though, or how you approach it if you're open to sharing...

The older I get though the more I try and understand the whole relationship thing; if you're in one, you deal with this kind of stuff from time to time. If you're single, you deal with not being in a relationship and having someone there. So confusing sometimes.

Londonchic Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 1:11am
post #10 of 26

Stressful, isn't it?

Just throw a mother and father of a tantrum and see if it will straighten him!!!

Roving eyes so early in a marriage is defintely not a good idea.

Londonchic Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 1:15am
post #11 of 26

About 26 yrs ago, when I first got married, my husband came home late and reeking of perfume. I didn't ask a single question- I just threw the coffee table at him! icon_eek.gif

Turns out it was Valentines and he was buying me perfume and tested lots on his hand.

Boy, did I have to make up!! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

LaBellaFlor Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 1:30am
post #12 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Londonchic

About 26 yrs ago, when I first got married, my husband came home late and reeking of perfume. I didn't ask a single question- I just threw the coffee table at him! icon_eek.gif

Turns out it was Valentines and he was buying me perfume and tested lots on his hand.

Boy, did I have to make up!! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif





icon_surprised.gif I know that you overreacted as well, BUT it let him know not to play with you! I'm mean it is 26 years later!

So here it is, men only do what we are willing to accept. We create the relationships we are in. Let me tell you a TRUE story.
A very good friend of mine's mother was severly abused by her dad. He never touched the kids, but pound away on her mom. Her dad is easily 6'4" 235lbs. It got to the point where her mother ran away and left her kids behind. Well he ended up eventually remarrying her step-mom who is about 5'5" 100lbs. tops. Well one day he smacked her for the first time. Busted her lip pretty good. She calmly went to the kitchen, grabbed the biggest cast iron skillet and cracked him over the head. She then told him the next time he put his hands on her she would kill him. They've been married over 25 years and he NEVER touched her again. You decide how you will be treated.

adree313 Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 1:43am
post #13 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor

Quote:
Originally Posted by Londonchic

About 26 yrs ago, when I first got married, my husband came home late and reeking of perfume. I didn't ask a single question- I just threw the coffee table at him! icon_eek.gif

Turns out it was Valentines and he was buying me perfume and tested lots on his hand.

Boy, did I have to make up!! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif




icon_surprised.gif I know that you overreacted as well, BUT it let him know not to play with you! I'm mean it is 26 years later!

So here it is, men only do what we are willing to accept. We create the relationships we are in. Let me tell you a TRUE story.
A very good friend of mine's mother was severly abused by her dad. He never touched the kids, but pound away on her mom. Her dad is easily 6'4" 235lbs. It got to the point where her mother ran away and left her kids behind. Well he ended up eventually remarrying her step-mom who is about 5'5" 100lbs. tops. Well one day he smacked her for the first time. Busted her lip pretty good. She calmly went to the kitchen, grabbed the biggest cast iron skillet and cracked him over the head. She then told him the next time he put his hands on her she would kill him. They've been married over 25 years and he NEVER touched her again. You decide how you will be treated.




have you ever seen the madea movies? i think it goes something like this "you should always have a heavy skillet and hot grits cooking on the stove" when you're about to fight... or make a point.. or something. i can't remember.

i agree with labellaflor. you decided how you want to be treated. i've had a tumultuous relationship with my biological mother (not physically abusive, but mentally, very much so). and i finally sat down with her in the most mild tone i could muster and basically told her "listen up, i've put up with your (insert expletive here) for 19 years. i'm not willing to let you and your actions dictate my life anymore. i've let you and all your hurtful ways destroy so many wonderful things in my life, and i'm flat out done. now, you can change, and we can have a *civil* relationship, or you can keep doing what you're doing and we can have no relationship. either way, you've burned your bridges and will NEVER be my mom. you're my mother because that's just how it turned out. but my REAL mom is the woman who has loved and never hurt me for the past 20 years. NOT. YOU."

after that, we had a decent relationship for a few months. it was great. of course, she eventually screwed up again, but she got the gist of the conversation because she hasn't contacted me since.

personally, if i were you i would try talking to your husband again and when he gets on the "jealousy" track, straighten him up. no, it's not just about jealousy. it's about a feeling you're having and that should mean something. he should care enough to make it right to you.

LaBellaFlor Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 1:51am
post #14 of 26

So true! even if you do feel jealous, it's his job to make you feel secure. Men always try to minipulate by saying,"your acting jealous". SO what! Make me feel better. This is how I feel, I'm letting you know, now make me feel like i'm the queen. Being jealous is not an excuse for a man acting an ass. His acting an ass is what's making you jealous.

Caike Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 2:02am
post #15 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor

Quote:
Originally Posted by Londonchic

About 26 yrs ago, when I first got married, my husband came home late and reeking of perfume. I didn't ask a single question- I just threw the coffee table at him! icon_eek.gif

Turns out it was Valentines and he was buying me perfume and tested lots on his hand.

Boy, did I have to make up!! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif




icon_surprised.gif I know that you overreacted as well, BUT it let him know not to play with you! I'm mean it is 26 years later!

So here it is, men only do what we are willing to accept. We create the relationships we are in. Let me tell you a TRUE story.
A very good friend of mine's mother was severly abused by her dad. He never touched the kids, but pound away on her mom. Her dad is easily 6'4" 235lbs. It got to the point where her mother ran away and left her kids behind. Well he ended up eventually remarrying her step-mom who is about 5'5" 100lbs. tops. Well one day he smacked her for the first time. Busted her lip pretty good. She calmly went to the kitchen, grabbed the biggest cast iron skillet and cracked him over the head. She then told him the next time he put his hands on her she would kill him. They've been married over 25 years and he NEVER touched her again. You decide how you will be treated.





This is a great story...thanks for sharing this. I couldn't agree more; sometimes I think I forget... (not often, LOL, but sometimes) icon_wink.gif

AKA_cupcakeshoppe Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 2:56am
post #16 of 26

oh thanks everyone!

i know it's the little voice inside me. it's driving me crazy! But everytime I "tease" him about having a crush on her he tells me I'm just jealous. I'm actually not a jealous person but when I notice little things, they add up to something.

things are going well between us, though. he treats me right, gives me attention. he's very sweet. but that comment last night, even though he kinda chuckled at the end, really hit me hard.

am not very good confrontations. i thought i would just let it ride and see how it goes. i can't talk to anyone in my family about it because i don't want them to confront him. you guys are the only one i can bounce ideas off of.

i don't think he's in love with her but i do think he likes her. i actually like her, too. she's an only child and she spends a lot of time in my parents' house because her step dad drinks and is an angry drunk. so she waits til her mom gets home before she goes home. she is also 17 years old.

Deb_ Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 3:08am
post #17 of 26

I really think you should stop "teasing" him about this and have a serious conversation about it.

Let him know exactly how you feel.....tell him which comments/actions of his bother you and ask him to respect you and your marriage and stop immediately.

If you "tease" him, he'll think his actions are no big deal.

She's 17? She's a kid for crying out loud, he needs to focus his attention on his wife and not a 17 yr old.

You guys have only been married for 6 months.....he should be drooling over you and nobody else.

Please follow your gut and tell your husband you want to talk about it.

Good luck!

adree313 Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 3:22am
post #18 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

I really think you should stop "teasing" him about this and have a serious conversation about it.

Let him know exactly how you feel.....tell him which comments/actions of his bother you and ask him to respect you and your marriage and stop immediately.

If you "tease" him, he'll think his actions are no big deal.

She's 17? She's a kid for crying out loud, he needs to focus his attention on his wife and not a 17 yr old.

You guys have only been married for 6 months.....he should be drooling over you and nobody else.

Please follow your gut and tell your husband you want to talk about it.

Good luck!




couldn't have said it aaaany better myself thumbs_up.gif

creamcycle Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 3:40am
post #19 of 26

Maybe you should take the gf aside and have a chat with her, let her know that you feel very uncomfortable, and that maybe it is just your feelings. She if she will be understanding regarding your newly wed H. You can't hold someone that wants to roam. If he is truly tempted, he wasn't ready for marriage. Our minds can make small things really big, but don't be blinded. If she is truly a nice girl, she will respect your feelings, if she just needs the attention or has an attraction to him, it probably won't stop. Let's just hope she will back off after knowing your feelings. Don't forget to check the cell phone for frequently called numbers. Be sure before you get really angry with hubby.

AverageMom Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 4:48pm
post #20 of 26

He isn't sleeping with her, but he IS making YOU feel uncomfortable. And that is the problem. Let him know, clearly and without "teasing", that you need him to stop his behaviour. He should respect your feelings enough to change, even if he feels he is innocent. Good luck!

funcakes Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 8:38pm
post #21 of 26

Besides the comments already stated. How awkward is this making your brother's gf feel??? She is not part of your family and probably uncomfortable speaking to your husband about this, thinking maybe she is over reacting. You need to speak up now for the sake of all your family members.

sadsmile Posted 27 Sep 2009 , 8:45pm
post #22 of 26

OK here is the thing. He is human.

We all are. We are all at one point or another going to come across someone who is attractive to us and is desirable.

The issue here is that he is acting on it. When we get married it is a vow and a promise to forsake ALL others! So that is the decision that we all must make when faced with this issue. He hasn't done that and it is a growing problem.

Unless you wholeheartedly honor your vows one thing can lead to another. I think you should sit down and talk with him about it. Be honest.

There isn't anything wrong with finding someone attractive-we all have eyes fro gosh sakes. But we all need to be strong enough to hold fast to our marriages and partners and not stray after the next pretty/handsome face that pops up.

The same thing goes to character and personality traits that we find we like in others.

We have our mates, we made our choice and sometimes LOVE is an action and a continuing choice to honor your vows.

You must open up and talk to him about it.

Loucinda Posted 29 Sep 2009 , 1:18pm
post #23 of 26

I am absolutely with dkelly and sadsmile. NO joking about this - if you value your marriage you need to take care of this situation. Period.

nonnyscakes Posted 29 Sep 2009 , 1:48pm
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by creamcycle

Maybe you should take the gf aside and have a chat with her, let her know that you feel very uncomfortable, and that maybe it is just your feelings. She if she will be understanding regarding your newly wed H. You can't hold someone that wants to roam. If he is truly tempted, he wasn't ready for marriage. Our minds can make small things really big, but don't be blinded. If she is truly a nice girl, she will respect your feelings, if she just needs the attention or has an attraction to him, it probably won't stop. Let's just hope she will back off after knowing your feelings. Don't forget to check the cell phone for frequently called numbers. Be sure before you get really angry with hubby.




I don't think that the GF should be involved at all unless she is doing something inappropriate. I don't recall the OP accusing the GF of doing anything wrong. She said it was the excuse her DH used trying to "brush off" the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AKA_cupcakeshoppe

however i have noticed his attention to my brother's girlfriend.

he would tell me she's flirting with him but i don't think that's the case. she's a very sweet, young girl, guileless. as the weeks pass by i find that he gets excited about these family outings.




To the OP, I agree with dkelly, sadsmile and Loucinda. Do something about it now.

-K8memphis Posted 29 Sep 2009 , 2:01pm
post #25 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by AKA_cupcakeshoppe

my DH and i have been married for almost 6 months. things are fine. i think it's normal to have good days and bad days, all that matters is the good days are more than the bad, right?
...




I'm not addressing your main issue there--go with your gut on that one.

But no it's not at all a balance of more good days than bad ones.
It's all about quality. The bad days have a limit on how bad they can be and that's where your ultimate issue comes in place.

If it's just a matter of more good than bad days then by that standard, if you can stuff everything bad you're golden but of course you're not really golden.

For example what if a spouse only beats their spouse one day a month and is nice otherwise. Uh ugh.

Mug-a-Bug Posted 29 Sep 2009 , 10:00pm
post #26 of 26

My opinion on the subject is that the flirting is innocent.... for now. Everything starts out innocent at first. My husband and I have a very strong marriage and I think there is ONE reason for this - we talk about everything openly and honestly. You need to sit DH down and tell it like it is: it makes you uncomfortable, it's innapropriate, etc. If it's innocent than it will be an easier conversation to have. Why wait until it's serious? icon_rolleyes.gif Trust me, there will be many many more awkward and serious conversations you will have to have over the years.... best to get started now.

You don't need to point fingers or throw the coffee table at him or anything. Just state the facts and tell him how you feel. Good luck and let us know how it goes. thumbs_up.gif

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