Sticky Situation/a Little Hurt...

Decorating By SharonK1973 Updated 23 Jul 2009 , 2:40am by SharonK1973

SharonK1973 Posted 17 Jul 2009 , 11:28pm
post #1 of 34

Sorry this is soooo long, the story has a lot of twists...

So my husband and I started going to this church about three years ago. They have potlucks every week, so naturally, in no time at all I became known as the cake lady, and I would make cakes for all the showers and whatever occasions they would have.

Well, about a year ago, there was this girl who has grown up in this church who needed to make some money to go on a mission trip to Ethiopia. To help her and the children of Ethiopia, I organized a little bake sale, made most of the stuff myself, and we made over $500.00

Around that time, she got engaged and planned to get married when she returned from Ethiopia. I had casually mentioned that if she wanted me to make her cake I would be willing to. At that point she said that a friend of hers had already stated that he would make her wedding cake for her since he plays with cakes every once in a while and thinks he can do a good job. That was more than fine with me. I had just offered so she knew it was an option.

Well, the year has gone by, she went to Ethiopia and is now back and wedding plans are in full swing. As expected, I wasn't asked to make the cake. So many people at church just assumed I would be making the cake that they keep asking me what the design will be. I keep explaining the situation to them. Then they ask me about the groom's cake, I tell them I wasn't asked to do that either. Again all this is fine with me...

The church is having a big bridal shower for her, and the coordinator of that has asked me to make the cake for that shower. I agreed to make that. About a week later, I found out they had a separate bridal shower for her...what got me thinking is that they didn't need a cake for that separate bridal shower, and I wasn't invited to that shower. That hurt a little bit, but, oh well, get over it!

Everyone is all a buzz about this grand wedding, everyone keeps commenting, even on facebook about how lovely her invitations are, what they are wearing, who's doing what in the ceremony... Shoot I have even seen people being given invitations at church! But... I have not gotten one. The wedding is in two weeks, so I think its safe to assume that we won't be invited.

Now I'm wondering if people have been using me to get cake (I always only charge for expenses when I make a cake for someone from church), and when they don't need cake, they don't feel the need to include me in their activities.

Other thing is, should I let people know we weren't invited so they won't think I am snobbing the wedding because I'm not making the cake?

I am thinking of making a killer cake for the shower for which I was asked to make the wedding cake, but just dropping it off and telling the lady who is organizing it that I don't feel comfortable coming to the bridal shower when I haven't been invited the wedding.

Any thoughts, advice, consolation will be highly appreciated. Or am I overreacting to feel a little hurt by all this?

Thanks for listening.

33 replies
bamberc Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 12:31am
post #2 of 34

I personally think it is not polite to invite someone to a bridal shower when that person is not invited to the main event-the wedding. It's like saying, "Hey, we want you to give us a gift (and free cake), but we don't want you to share in the special day." Just me. I would definitely make a beautiful cake for the shower, and attend the shower, but the cake would be my gift. I don't know that's just me. I'm really sorry that you are hurt by all of this-it's a shame some people don't have more manners.

cheferyn Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 12:49am
post #3 of 34

i think that i would bow out of the whole thing. but that's just me.

Kimmers971 Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 12:52am
post #4 of 34

I would feel extactly like you do. Only thing is I would not do the shower cake (come up with some excuse) and not attend. Eventually I'd tell someone who asked why I really wasn't there and I wouldn't be ashamed of it either. They are all being rude and certainly sound like they are using you.

Sorry you are going through this icon_sad.gif

CakesbyCindi Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 12:56am
post #5 of 34

RUDE, RUDE, RUDE. I would do exactly what you said, drop the cake off and tell them since you weren't invited to the wedding you aren't comfortable being there, speaking from experience, if you don't let it be known yourself, everyone will speculate and GOSSIP, I hate gossip!!! Why isn't there some euphenism for the word gossip like there is for assuming? Oh well, make a killer shower cake!!! And enjoy your day, don't let one person stop you from making others happy with your wonderul creations.

My small rant, My son is getting married in 3 wks. Her family did not even give us a invitation to keep as a momento....

sweetsbystacy Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 12:57am
post #6 of 34

I wouldn't do the shower cake either. I would politely say you are just too busy, and if anyone asks, definitely tell them you weren't invited. It's not being catty, it's simply telling the truth.

So sorry you are dealing with this!

Texas_Rose Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 1:01am
post #7 of 34

Are you sure the girl didn't just forget to invite you? I can see where it feels intentional, but I think you might call the girl's mom and tell her you were a little suprised and hurt that you weren't invited. Then she'll either say that they wanted to invite everyone they knew but couldn't afford to...or she'll realize they forgot you.

Kitagrl Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 1:14am
post #8 of 34

I don't have any advice...just wanted to encourage you to not let this discourage you from making other cakes for people! I would say in general, most of the people I make cakes for in church (its not a super regular thing, but sometimes happens) really appreciate me and do not take advantage of me. However recently I did have a situation where somebody did try to take advantage and it didn't work out, and I think they're still mad at me. *shrugs* Anyway I'm just saying that there will be people like that...but in general most people are above that and you can still really make people happy with your cakes! Keep up the great work!

superstar Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 1:25am
post #9 of 34

This is a sad story! I can understand that you are hurt. I think you are right Sharon! Make a lovely cake hand it over to whoever asked you to make it & ask that person to pass on your very good wishes to the bride, tell her you are not comfortable attending the shower when you have not been invited to the wedding & leave it at that. You are a good person, sorry someone has hurt you like this, people can be so thoughtless, this bride does not appreciate all the help you gave her when she needed it. Let us know the outcome.

hellie0h Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 1:42am
post #10 of 34

Could it be the bride is having a a relatively small wedding and cannot afford to have the entire church membership attend. You stated she grew up in this church and possibly the folks you seen receive invitations were very close friends of the bride and family? I would not feel hurt over not being invited unless you were the only church member not given an invitation.

Separate bridal shower, could be grooms family that hosted that and therefore people from her church would not necessary be invited as the church is having a shower and would be in poor taste to invite same people to two showers.

You were asked to make a cake, you agreed and planned on attending the bridal shower, in my opinion if you do as you stated...dropping off cake and saying because you were not invited to the wedding you will not attend the shower.....geeze that will come off a bit of sounding like sour grapes.

I would hold off any hurt feelings until you know for certain you were slighted, as I said it could be that the bride is having only close friends and family.

LittleLinda Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:02am
post #11 of 34

I wouldn't expect to be invited to the wedding. You said this is a church group, and I know you helped her out to earn money to go on her trip; but is she truly your friend? Weddings are very expensive; I think most try to keep it to family and close friends. Also, on your part, wedding gifts are expensive too ... I would not be offended.

LittleLinda Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:04am
post #12 of 34

I wouldn't expect to be invited to the wedding. You said this is a church group, and I know you helped her out to earn money to go on her trip; but is she truly your friend? Weddings are very expensive; I think most try to keep it to family and close friends. Also, on your part, wedding gifts are expensive too ... I would not be offended.

__Jamie__ Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:11am
post #13 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by SharonK1973


Now I'm wondering if people have been using me to get cake (I always only charge for expenses when I make a cake for someone from church), and when they don't need cake, they don't feel the need to include me in their activities.




Probably. And as mean as that could sound, people are ignorant, you are probably seen as the "cake lady" (barf on that term and whoever thinks it is soooo cute, agh! nevermind). I would also imagine the people you are tight with....probably don't ask you for cake very often, do they? People I am tight with barely ever mention it unless it is to ask "how business is going?"

miss-tiff Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:24am
post #14 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellie0h


You were asked to make a cake, you agreed and planned on attending the bridal shower, in my opinion if you do as you stated...dropping off cake and saying because you were not invited to the wedding you will not attend the shower.....geeze that will come off a bit of sounding like sour grapes.




Just my opinion, but I agree you should stick with your part. You want to come out on top, and what if you go around complaining about this girl and then next week you discover your invitation under some junk mail in a pile somewhere that you'd forgotten about? Or what if she hands you one the next time you're at church? Of course, she might have forgotten you, but attending the shower and smiling nicely will at least cover your bases.

That being said, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I'd be sad, too, especially after helping out the girl (that was really nice of you, by the way). I hope it works out well for you!

Lorabell Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:30am
post #15 of 34

I'd do the same as some of the others. Make the cake, give it as a gift and move on. I've felt the same as you at times, wondering if they just needed a free cake? Who knows, but as long as YOUR heart is in the right place, that is all that matters. God Bless!

Lori

artscallion Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:31am
post #16 of 34

Unless you're very close friends with her I wouldn't be offended. People have to draw lines with invitation lists. Sometimes you land on one side. Sometimes you land on the other. It's a delicate thing. And the folks who just miss being on the right side of the line will always feel that pang.

I think basically if you are not close enough with her to even be sure if it's a slight, and which side of the line you really belong on, then you probably shouldn't take it personally.

I say make the cake and show up with a big smile on your face, walk in, sit down and wish her the best of everything in her new life. Aside from that line business, young people can sometimes be unintentionally self-centered and thoughtless. She may be oblivious to having slighted you. I say set a good example for her on how to become a gracious, benevolent adult.

Lorabell Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:32am
post #17 of 34

I'd do the same as some of the others. Make the cake, give it as a gift and move on. I've felt the same as you at times, wondering if they just needed a free cake? Who knows, but as long as YOUR heart is in the right place, that is all that matters. God Bless!

Lori

chillysmommy Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:38am
post #18 of 34

I don't usually offer input but I'm kind of a stickler when it comes to etiquette. At first I agreed that you should drop off the cake stating you are uncomfortable staying but since you committed, that would seem awkward and bring on unwanted gossip and in general, just make you look bad. I would suggest finding out for sure if you weren't invited. At this point I'm wondering if you don't even want to go to the wedding now, as that's where I'd be, but since you WERE invited to the shower, meaning expected to give a gift (including cake), I would ask the person who created the shower invite list (except the bride) if your name was on the wedding list because you know that "shower invitees are typically only to people invited to the actual wedding" as it would be rude to ask for a gift from someone you don't want to share your special day with. That puts it back on them and they should give you the reason for not being invited, or if it was an accident.

All that said, I hate any kind of confrontation and this would be extremely difficult for me (shaking hands, crackly voice) even if I'm in the right. On the other hand, I would also not want people to think I didn't go to the wedding because I didn't get to do the cake. So, to be safe, I would ask. At least you would know.

Sorry you have to be put in this predicament. Kind of goes with the territory of being creative. icon_sad.gif

costumeczar Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:45am
post #19 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by __Jamie__

Quote:
Originally Posted by SharonK1973


Now I'm wondering if people have been using me to get cake (I always only charge for expenses when I make a cake for someone from church), and when they don't need cake, they don't feel the need to include me in their activities.




Probably. And as mean as that could sound, people are ignorant, you are probably seen as the "cake lady" (barf on that term and whoever thinks it is soooo cute, agh! nevermind). I would also imagine the people you are tight with....probably don't ask you for cake very often, do they? People I am tight with barely ever mention it unless it is to ask "how business is going?"





Thank you, Jamie! I hate that term too! My husband calls me "cake lady" when he wants to piss me off. icon_mad.gif

As far as shower etiquette goes, you're really not supposed to invite people to showers if they're not invited to the wedding, but people these days look at weddings and the events that lead up to them as one big gift grab. It doesn't surprise me that people who aren't invited to the wedding are being invited to a shower (you're also not really supposed to have more than one shower, but the gift grab goes on...).

If you already said that you would do the cake, I'd just do a simple one and drop it off with the same message that you said: not comfortable attending the shower if you weren't invited to the wedding. The cake is more than generous in the situation, but you don't need to make a really fantastically fancy cake for someone who's obviously taking advantage of your good nature.

cc57 Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:54am
post #20 of 34

I feel sorry for you I know how hurtful those things can be. My step daughter began planning her wedding last year and she asked me to make the cake. I was over the moon to be asked, and started to come up with ideas and even went and took refresher course at the local tech colledge. Anyway 2 months before the wedding she tells me her Mom had went and paid for a cake for her. I was really upset and my DH was furiuos. It was a case of sour grapes on the part of her Mom, she didnt want me to have anypart in the wedding. I held a shower for her and made a cake which she loved (Mom didnt attend even though she was invited) I even made the grooms cake. I kept smiling and was not going to let them see how I felt, but I did begin to feel like a complete and utter fool by the end of it. But I had the pleasure of knowing it would have cost her a pretty penny, Im sure I would have rather get the cake made for free than have a huge bill.

I was asked to make a wedding cake the week after that and though my confidence had been thoroughly knocked it turned out great.

Dont let this hurt you too much, its not worth suffering over, heaven knows what the reasons are for the lack of an invite. Hurtful though I know.

cc57 Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:55am
post #21 of 34

I feel sorry for you I know how hurtful those things can be. My step daughter began planning her wedding last year and she asked me to make the cake. I was over the moon to be asked, and started to come up with ideas and even went and took refresher course at the local tech colledge. Anyway 2 months before the wedding she tells me her Mom had went and paid for a cake for her. I was really upset and my DH was furiuos. It was a case of sour grapes on the part of her Mom, she didnt want me to have anypart in the wedding. I held a shower for her and made a cake which she loved (Mom didnt attend even though she was invited) I even made the grooms cake. I kept smiling and was not going to let them see how I felt, but I did begin to feel like a complete and utter fool by the end of it. But I had the pleasure of knowing it would have cost her a pretty penny, Im sure I would have rather get the cake made for free than have a huge bill.

I was asked to make a wedding cake the week after that and though my confidence had been thoroughly knocked it turned out great.

Dont let this hurt you too much, its not worth suffering over, heaven knows what the reasons are for the lack of an invite. Hurtful though I know.

vtcake Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 3:21am
post #22 of 34

Do you think the whole congregation expected to be invited to the wedding? While it is very nice and generous for the church to throw a separate wedding shower for the girl, I wonder if the girl felt uneasy thinking she'd be 'expected' to invite every single person when a)her budget didn't cover it,and b) she's not that close to every single person.

If the congregation is throwing a shower thinking they'd score an invite, then that's not good thinking. Many places of business throw separate bridal and baby showers for employees, but don't expect to be invited to any personal event.

I am sure the folks of the congregation is doing a shower out of the kindness of their hearts, so that's how you should think of it as well...make the cake you obligated yourself to do, and show up with a smile and good wishes.

LaBellaFlor Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 3:39am
post #23 of 34

I don't think the OP feels EVERYONE in the church should be invited to the wedding, BUT if they are gonna invite her to the shower, AND ask her to make a cake, then she should have been invited to the wedding. You DO NOT ask someone to a bridal shower & then not invite them to the wedding. Not only is that inproper ettiquette, its flat out TACKY. I don't think a church family is the same as your company thowing you a baby shower. Personally, I don't think I would make the cake. I would feel I have been taken advantage of. Been there, done that, asked to make a wedding cake for a church couple & it turns out that was the only reason they invited us to the wedding. Trying to do the church family thing, we went, & I did the cake. At the wedding I hear the bride tell her aunt how annoying I was, cause I asked her for a picture of the cake she wanted (her wedding was in 2 weeks, still had no idea what she wanted). She didn't realize I was standing right behind her when she was talking about me. Unless its for our church anniversary or something like that, no cake for no one at church for free. I will NEVER be the cakelady. And some one had a really good point, your REAL friends don't really sk you to make cakes for them.

vtcake Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 3:46am
post #24 of 34

The shower the OP is doing the cake for is the one thrown by the church, not the family. The church is not in charge of who gets invited to the wedding, the family is.

Therefore, I hope the OP will not let hurt feelings keep her from doing a nice thing for this girl, and I hope the OP has a great time at the church's shower.

I'm sure we all know what it's like to feel like the odd person out, but in this case, I'd like to believe that the OP's kindness and generosity will prevail.

Bellatheball Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 5:11am
post #25 of 34

I think it depends on a few things. I grew up in a big city and showers were small and held at fancy places. Attendees were always invited to the wedding. My husband grew up in a small town. They throw huge showers. Invitations are posted in church and everyone understands they are invited. However, some of the weddings are small (so, obviously, not all shower attendees go to the wedding). No one seems hurt by it because it's just how it's done. Is it possible your community does it the same way?

Also, are you close to this girl outside of church? Everything costs a ton of money these days. It's possible she doesn't have the budget to invite everyone. Prehaps you were invited to the shower because you were gracious enough to make the cake. While I agree it could have been handled better, it doesn't sound like she was being malicious.

Mensch Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 5:33am
post #26 of 34

It sure sounds like the OP answered her own questions. Yes, these people are using you, and while generosity is often a good thing, it is just as often not.

As you are committed to this cake, I would definately do it. It would be the last cake I would do at cost for people in this group.

madgeowens Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 6:06am
post #27 of 34

If I could just add to all of these very intelligent suggestions these girls have taken time to share with you, all food for thought. Remember you can only be used if YOU allow it.
I believe the comment about the shower being from the church ladies is right....weddings are so expensive they have to cut back on the guest list...maybe they knew it would be rude to ask you to do wedding cake and then not invite you....maybe thats why they had someone else do wedding cake? Convoluted as that sounds..........it could also be the invitation was lost in the mail..are you close to this family or no? That makes a big difference don't you agree. Don't let it hurt you.

lthiele Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 1:41pm
post #28 of 34

I think artscallion sounds very wise in her reply, if she is young, she maybe does not have the maturity and insight to know that your feelings are hurt. The excitement of all her plans will be foremost in her mind. Also was it actually the bride who asked you to do the cake or someone else from the church? The bride may well be feeling as uncomfortable about this as you are, and probably does not know what to say - so she'll say nothing.

I have so many friends and family members who have had major issues with people from church, because lines get blurred and what is often offered with a generous heart can quickly become "expected". Once you start to feel resentful of what you are doing, it's time to pull back a little and let the church's unofficial hierarchy (every church has one!), know where your boundaries are.

Be proud of what you did to raise the money for the Ethiopia trip. Dont think of it as being for her, but for the kids. If it was me, I would make a cake that I was proud of, because from this point forward there would be no more love jobs - only paid ones!

SharonK1973 Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:45pm
post #29 of 34

There is no doubt in my mind that I will be making the bridal shower cake. I never even harbored the thought of not doing it. As a matter of fact, I hear from the wedding planner that they are a little worried about the wedding cake because the person who offered to do it is in Peru and they are hoping he will be back in time. I have already decided that if they wind up in a bind with that cake and they ask me for help I will also make that cake.

This church is a very close-knit church. Its not a big church either. And having potluck every week, makes everyone a little closer to each other than most churches. Also, these are not people I just see once a week at church. I am a part of the young adult group.We go on hikes together, eat at each other's house, meet for dinner at restaurants etc. The bride herself initiated facebook friendship with me. That's another reason I get to hear about all the wedding plans - everyone commenting on facebook. I guess the hurt comes from the fact that I was thinking we are closer than they are thinking. Everyone else in the young adult group plus their friends have been invited - except me. The wedding planner is one of the young adult group. Like I said, we see each other a lot out of church. I have been hesitant to ask her because I didn't want to say anything prematurely. But I am meeting up with her this coming Tuesday and I will ask her about it.

Where expenses are concerned, like I said this church is a close-knit church. Everyone pitches in and before you know it there is way too much food! The wedding and reception will be at the church. No venue rental to worry about. The invitation didn't get lost in the mail because everyone at church got theirs given to them at church.

I guess it just comes down me thinking we are closer than they are thinking. Like I mentioned in the first post, we have only been attending this church for three years. Everyone else has been there longer.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on what I find out. I need to be careful because I don't want to come across as prying or even angry, because I'm not. But in a situation like this its hard to get people to understand that I am really not angry, and would just like to know the truth behind me not being invited.

Thanks so much everyone for all your input. I Really appreciate it - so much. And know that I will NEVER stop caking! I do this for me! I love it way too much!
I'll keep you posted!
Love you all!

cakesbycathy Posted 19 Jul 2009 , 2:32am
post #30 of 34

Everyone else in the group is invited except you? Something is definitely not right here. I can see why you might feel like you are being used just for a free cake.


First I think you have a very big heart to be willing to do not only the shower cake, but also the wedding cake if necessary.
Second, I think you should definitely talk to someone to see if it was an oversight. If not, I would rethink about bringing anymore cakes to events.

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