Well this has certainly not been a good weekend!

A little backstory first....I am the oldest of four siblings, and 3 of us live in the same area as our parents.  My sister, who lives 2000 miles away, and I are very close, but I am not that close to my brothers who live here.  The older one was always kind of a screw up, but seems to be doing okay now.  The younger one is my parents' Golden Child (insert angelic harp music).  He was a start athlete and my parents reveled in all the attention and everyone knowing who they were.  He was the only one of the 4 of us they ever did anything for.  He was spoiled and pampered, popular, everyone always telling him how wonderful he was and it all kind of went to his head.  He was an adorable kid, but as an adult became very self-centered, & always gave off the air that he thought he was better than the rest of us. 

So, we haven't been close because of the 11 year age difference and his lack of interest in having much of a relationship with me or my kids, but cordial and see each other at all the family gatherings, but I only hear from him if he wants something or has an announcement to make.  Anyway, fast forward to now, he is married and they just had their first child.  I accidentally discovered today at my mom's that they have had the christening and didn't even invite me!  I never knew anything about it, until I accidentally saw some photos at my moms. 

When I asked my mom why he didn't invite me, she tried to lie and cover for him by saying they couldn't because we aren't Catholic, which I know isn't true (and my husband is anyway, which she had forgotten, obviously).  So I know guests don't have to be Catholic, only the godparents.  And I had already seen her & my dad (both not Catholic) in the pictures!  Then my other brother says "Well, they invited me"  (also not Catholic) and not only that, but that they all went out together to a "fancy" restaurant afterward!

So it was clearly a deliberate exclusion, and my mother obviously knew about and had agreed not to tell me about or I would have heard about it.  Then she tries to lie and cover for him!  I have no idea why they would exclude us; we include them in all imortant events, other than the fact I don't fawn all over him like our parents.  I'm mad that he & his wife would act like such jerks, but furious that my mom would go along with it and lie for him!  I am so tired of her blatant favortism of him over everyone else.  She should have just told him that's not right & I'm not going to lie for you.

I just had to get that off my chest....not really looking for a solution because I just have no tolerance for people like that, and they aren't going to change.   My brother & his wife are very self-centered, self-righteous, and judgmental, think they are just a little better than everybody else, but I can't believe they did something like that!  We aren't close, but have never not gotten along, either.  I went out of my way to be nice to her and try to develop a relationship with her/them,  but eventually gave up after it was clear they weren't interested.

Oh well, you can't choose your family, but you can choose not to put up with their crap!

AI'm glad you have it out your chest, when I'm in the same predicament with family, I keep a journal, I write whatever I want out of my chest and believe me, it really helps. Good Luck.

AI just have to say I can completely empathize with you, except I don't have a sister I am close too, I have the older and younger brother, no sister at all, and they are BOTH golden children! And close to each other. I am completely left in dark on everything, they go behind my back and don't include me, even kept that a friend of mine died from me, when I was locked in a children's home as a teenager.

They all had crappy places, or too small, and since I own a home, it is my place they all get together at. They did usually show up for birthdays and holidays, but I have never been invited to either of their places, and I feel weird going to my moms now because she moved in with her boyfriend and he is such a racist, it's sickening. My mom is literally 10 minutes from me, and both my brothers are within 20-25 minutes. They can borrow money, and that is the only time they call. I don't even feel comfortable calling them, I need an excuse every time. But they can't stand our mom either, and hide things from her, and just use her. But she'll do anything to try to buy their love, while I get crapped on.

I was so lonely growing up, and thought I was adopted, because I never fit in. When I asked my mom who my father was, at 11, she told me she was brutally raped by a stranger to conceive me! I was suicidal and hospitalized for it, and depression, about 5 times before I was 15. When I lived in a home, at 16, I finally found out that it was a lie! My mom shacked up with my father for several months before he moved to California for work, and he wanted to marry her...

Now I have my own little family, 4 kids, and they are equals, and we have fun together and they all know I love them the very most, and I do my best most of the time, but I am infallible, not some ice queen, like my own mother. I make mistakes and I have had to apologize to them. My mom made me uncomfortable in my own skin, and embarrassed about everything. My kids are totally funny and open with me in a way my brothers and I never were with her.

When my kids spent time at my moms, who adores my older boys, and treats my daughter like crap, I found out she tells my kids I was 'evil' as a child!!! And my daughter (who I was not married to her father) that she is only around because I 'couldn't control my hormones' which is the truth, but not her place! And a hateful thing to say to an 8 year old! Luckily, what she says goes in one ear and out the other, and they know how weird she is.

I swear my mom is just jealous that I have raised my daughter with a sense of worth, and self respect, and she knows without a doubt that I love her, regardless of what a jackass her father is. I am open and honest, and use it as an example of how we don't let people in our pants until we are married, (it happens!) she knows I broke up with her dad two weeks before I found out I was PG, and I hated him, and he was an a-hole, and she knows it has never affected they way I love her. She is even healthy and mature enough that I let her make her own decisions as to whether to see him or not. She said yes 2 years ago, after not seeing him for 2 years, and when he stopped visiting and texting, she wet the bed for 6 months... When he came around again, she said she didn't want to see him, and she didn't care he has two more kids, both boys, because she has "enough brothers already!" (I have 3 boys). She is hilarious and so smart, and I talk about her father anytime I think about it because I refuse to have her grow up with the shame I had. I say,"eewww! You looked just like Chris when you made that face!" And she laughs and makes it again and comes at me, lol, or she'll laugh and wipe her face like she's wiping the look off. She asks me if he texts and I tell her no, but if he does, I tell her. She even made a video telling him that she didn't want to see him, and she wanted her last name changed to her "daddy's last name" (my husband of 5 years who met her when she was 2) and writes it on all her school stuff, and online accounts.

Haha! I wrote a book, I guess I need to vent to! But your feelings are valid, and there is no excuse for them to act like that, and the best thing you can do is be the best person you can be, acheive your goals, and kill them with kindness. Live your own life and pretend it doesn't matter what they do, and learn how to treat others from their bad example.

I've always been a little bit jealous of those seemingly happy families where everyone are friends.  After all these years all I can advise is that you try and create the sort of atmosphere where your kids and you are happy and friends.  When you have to see your other family members smile, be polite and try not to let them upset you. And accept that sometimes you have to physically walk away as well as mentally walk away for your own sanity.  I know.

Parents really seem to lose their marbles over some offspring.  My parents refused to help me with any university expenses and tried to shove me out the door before I had graduated.  Never mind the rest.  My younger brother and one sister were given everything they wanted and more.

Fast forward to brother's engagement.  MY mother held a shower for the fiancee and never told me until after the fact. Same silly excuses.  I bought them something for a wedding gift that they needed.  Turns out they also liked it a lot.

What bothers me the most is that because of distance, my sister-in-law and other brother-in-law have heard a LOT of lies about me. I have never been welcomed to their houses, and have never been given a chance to  say just "you need some more facts".  The spoiled rotten brats are still spoiled rotten as adults.

Thanks for commiserating!  Anna, I am so sorry for what you went thru as a kid.  That is so horrible that someone would tell a child such a horrible lie about how they were conceived! 

My family is not so bad I guess, no real fighting, nobody says nasty things or anything like that.  But it always irks me when parents show favoritism.  My parents don't realize it I suppose, but they talk about The Golden Child ALL the time, and when I was growing up they wouldn't do crap for me. Never encouraged me to do any sports or activities, never recognized my academic achievements, etc.  Same for my sister.  Part of it is ***ism, too.  Daughters are just to help with housework and take care of the other kids and get married off.  My dad never liked my older brother and was very harsh with him, plus our alcoholic grandfather lived with us for a while and was very mean to him.  My mother, being weak, would not stand up to them and instead over-indulged him to try to make up for their abuse.  So he's a real mess.  But the youngest boy, the star athlete, was the apple of their eye.  While they wouldn't drive me 15 minutes to go somewhere so I could do something, they drove him all over the freaking country for soccer games and to go to the World Cup.  The loved everyone knowing they were "John Smith's parents".  My brother coached for 10 years after he quit playing, and my parents would go to all those games, too!  They think he is just wonderful & can do no wrong, and make all kinds of excuses when he does something rude or inconsiderate.

My brother, who we all doted on as a kid, is now so full of himself it is ridiculous.  He doesn't put other people down, but he does make sure everyone knows how well he is doing.  He never asks anyone else about their lives, just talks about himself.  Totally selfish, self-centered, and self-important, but not mean.  He is so used to everyone else telling him how great he is, he expects it now.  Then he got married, and his wife, while always polite, is very quiet and has no interest in really being part of the family.  At first we thought she was just shy or reserved, but over time my sis & I realized it is because she just doesn't want anything to do with us.  You can tell from comments she's made about others that she is in general very judgemental and thinks she's just a little bit better than everyone else because she is a "devout" Catholic.  Meaning she follows all the rules & regulations, but they do not seem very "Christian" in their attitudes towards other people at all.  All dogma and no spirituality or kindness of spirit.  Since they got married, they spend most of their time with her family, and do all kinds of stuff with HER niece & nephew, but never ask MY kids to do anything.  When we went to their house to see the baby, I could tell we were not really welcome.  She was not rude or unkind, but was so uptight the discomfort was palpable and I couldn't wait to get out of there.  They act like the are the first people to ever have a baby, and this baby is so much more precious and fragile than any other.  It's just weird, like they kept the house dark for weeks after the baby came home, like it was going to hurt her it if there was any light.  The baby does not have any heath problems, the mom is just neurotic. 

I guess my crime is that I don't stroke my brother's ego like everyone else does.  I treat him like a brother.  And I guess I was suppose to be begging to come see the baby all the time and fawn all over her like she was the most beatiful, wonderful, magical baby and so much more special than any other baby ever born or something (like my mom does, even though she already had 7 grandchildren).  I mean, she's a baby, like any other baby.  She sleeps, she cries, she poops. 

My parents are awful too, and in fact I haven't had to cut them out of my life because they did it all by themselves. 

They dropped me when the child they gave up for adoption a year before I was born found them a few years ago, and because she's perfect in their eyes, everything I've ever done is worthless. When my son was born almost 3 years ago with a serious spinal defect, they didn't even congratulate us on his birth. They ruined our wedding, called us selfish for moving across the world with their grandchildren (one of which they've seen 3 times in 9 years, the other they've never seen), and they've never even attempted to apologize for any of it.

I've pretty much given up on having any relationship with them now, and my kids think my inlaws are their only grandparents. But it's so annoying when people don't understand why I won't just forgive them and keep on forcing my way into their lives. I don't need to deal with that anymore and I don't think it's fair on my kids to have to be constantly rejected either. I don't think they have anything to offer as grandparents that is worth the hassle it would come with. Their other grandma and grandad more than make up for anything they're missing. Let them be the ones to miss out on my wonderful kids instead.

AI love when people think their baby has to have all this special stuff, and is the best baby in the whole world because they usually have over the top parties with ridiculously expensive cakes the kids wont care about or remember, that I am more than happy to supply to them, lol! And the kid is either bored or overstimulated and cries the whole time:-)

I am so sorry for all of the hurt many of you have felt.

Also all that you are dealing with, with these issues. Been there done that.

In my case they, could not see that they were wrong and they would never change.

I spent so many years trying to please and make things better. It is sad and hurtful at times.

I finally decided I didn't need toxic people in my life for my own sanity.

I wish you all the best.

When my dad died, my mom left me a voice mail to tell me about it. I lived 3 miles away from them.  Needless to say, I no longer have a relationship with my mom or my two brothers.  Of course, that was just the final straw after years of trying to be the "dutiful" daughter and sister.  So I understand not making oneself a target where family is concerned.

This morning I sent my DIL flowers for Mother's Day.  I was telling my DH about them and pointed out that  1) it's her first Mother's Day and 2) she's one of the very few still speaking to us.  We both laughed about it, mainly because it's true.

So buck up, Little Soldier.  It is possible to have a life and be happy without the "family" you knew growing up.

I have my own book to write lol, in my case I just walked away from them all. No calls, no letters nothing. My real family are my two best friends, My childhood friend (who I almost married her brother) and my other childhood friend who was married to my brother lol. God brought these wonderful two women in my life because he knew I needed a family who would love me forever no matter what! I am happily married now with three wonderful chidren and two wonderful grandchilfren and I know if I had stayed in contact with my biological family they would have slowly destroyed my life like cancer. I thank God for the family he has given me and I don't worry or care about the past behind me.

We are all here for anyone who needs us. Just breathe lol

ASo glad to know that not only do you guys make kick-a$$ cakes...but your families are just as wack as mine!

no kidding !!!!!!!

Yeah, some families just suck.

I can definitely relate to some of these stories.  My parents had 4 kids and divorced when my sister, the youngest, was about 2 or 3.  They divorced because my mom drank too heavily and was having affairs with other men.  My dad got tired of it and she told him that if he didn't like it to get the **ll out, so he did.  When she found out that the other guys she was sleeping with weren't going to marry her and support her, she tried to get my dad to come back, but he said he could never trust her again.  From that time on, she hated him with a passion and could never say anything good about him.  She blamed the divorce on him saying he was a womanizer and drunk.  I grew up with stories about how awful he was and whenever my mom got mad at him, I felt her wrath.  She'd say things like he was no d*mn good and I was just like him, that I'd never amount to anything, blah, blah, blah.  I grew up thinking I was totally worthless.  I found out the truth about my dad and have been close to him since I was 18.  My sister was basically left alone until I moved out at 18 and then she got stuck doing all the chores and cooking that I had been responsible for since I was 7, and my 2 brothers...well, they couldn't seem to do anything wrong by her standards.  I tried so hard to please her growing up and never could.

 Once I turned 18 and moved out, things turned around for me and I became a stronger person.  I eventually married, had 2 kids, and she never has thought my husband was worth being with and she wouldn't have anything to do with my boys.  She practically raised my oldest brother's first 3 kids and when he and his wife divorced, she never got to see those grand kids again....after telling me that none of her other grand kids would ever mean as much as those 3 did.  Both my boys grew up to be wonderful men and are doing something with their lives.  When my oldest was getting married, he asked if it would be terrible of him to not invite her.  He hadn't seen her since he was born except once at a niece's wedding (and she refused to have anything to do with us).  Needless to say, I told him it was his day and he was to have who he and his fiance wanted at the wedding.  To this day, we don't speak.  I finally gave up on her when my boys were in high school.  She wanted to blame everything that ever went wrong in her life on me, everything was all my fault, so I just told her we didn't need to see each other any more if she felt that way.  She's never made an attempt to get in touch with me...I tried once (just to get my sister to drop the subject) but she told my sister that I didn't want to get together, so after my discussion with her about what my mom said and how she reacted, she hasn't said anything since.  I haven't seen either of my brothers since my oldest son was 2 (born in 1981) but I do see my sister from time to time.  We keep in touch fairly well.  I've been better off not having my mom  in my life.  Isn't that sad?  Used to bother me a lot, but I did go see a counselor about it when my boys were little and we first quit talking to each other (those old guilt feelings on my part, but not hers).  I had wonderful, wonderful in-laws until they both passed away, I have my dad and stepmom, my husband's sister and brother and their families, and of course my hubby and boys.  Don't need anything else.  I've had a very happy, productive and enjoyable life to date.  It's just sad that family can be so cruel to their own, yet embrace those who turn out to just be users and self absorbed individuals.  I sometimes think that's what has made us stronger.

ASo sorry yet so relieved to hear there are others that have gone through this.

My mother has always blamed me for messing up her life (hello, I ever told her to have 6 kids) and has always claimed that its jealousy that drives her to say the mean things she does. The four siblings that are younger than me are all still living at home and eating away my poor dads retirement, they're aged between 24 and 34.

AI hope I don't screw up my kids! It seems an all too common thing to do... I recently found out that my mom told my daughter that the reason I had her was because I "couldn't control my hormones." Sweet thing to say to an 8 year old, whether it is true or not! Lol. I told my daughter that while it is true that I got pregnant with her because I couldn't "control my hormones" I HAD her because I loved her from the very moment I knew I was pregnant.

For those who had a really good childhood and grew up with loving parents, I hope they know what they have.  I didn't know what a "normal" family was like until I met my husband.  Sure they had some problems and still do, but so minor compared to what I grew up with and it was always resolvable.  My dad feels very bad for the life I grew up with, but my mom wouldn't let him be a part of our life back then.  At 18 I decided to get to know him and when I had my first son, I finally had enough nerve to ask him his side of the divorce.  Throughout the years, I received confirmation from other family members and friends just what my mom had done.  My dad and I get along great and my sister sees him from time to time, but my brothers have nothing to do with my dad or me.  No loss to me, but they've missed out on getting to know a wonderful man and two wonderful boys (men now).  I still feel that it happens to make us stronger, to be able to deal with tough situations in our life, but it's still a shame that it wrecks families.

I think we would all have our own book to write...if I wrote one it would be called something like, "The Cleavers Don't Exist" (from "Leave it to Beaver").

AParents really suck sometimes. I used to fantasize that instead of keeping me, my parents had left me in a basket on Donny & Marie's doorstep.

Hey, I was 7. :-)

AI hate hearing such sadness about people's lives. I have a wonderful family and the best parents ever. It's my boyfriend's family I can't stand sometimes. He is the only boy, and treated like a doormat quite often. His 2 younger sisters can do no wrong apparently. One has 3 kids, lives like trash (literally, filthy sloppy house at all times) & parties too much (in my opinion) for a recently divorced mother. Everything is handed to her. She lives in a rental of their dad's & doesn't pay rent. Doesn't pay bills, have car insurance, wastes food stamps on junk food... But she's an angel who gets tons of clothes and gifts from their dad. My boyfriend also lives in a rental of his dad's and can't even get a leak in the roof fixed! I had to get on the roof and fix the swamp cooler! I fixed the broken toilet. So I see how lucky I am to have the family I do. I see the attitudes and damage that is caused by families like my boyfriend's & it makes me both sad and angry.

I dated a guy that was the only boy in the family and he always told me how wrong I was and how he was always so right and when we dated for two years he took a job at a Whole Foods in Texas and said we were never in a relationship. JERK!

A

I actually used to hope that I'd been adopted, and that one day my real parents would come and get me. My mom somehow found out, and that was when she told me that I actually had an older sister that had been given up for adoption. I was 12.

A

I actually used to hope that I'd been adopted, and that one day my real parents would come and get me. My mom somehow found out, and that was when she told me that I actually had an older sister that had been given up for adoption. I was 12.[/quote]

I always thought that I had been dropped off on my my mom's door step, because I could never "feel the love" kwim? That is my biggest fear tht my kids will not know how much I love them, so I am always hugging and kissing on them, and making them snuggle on the couch when we watch movies ;-)

A

Me too, I never want my kids to feel like I did.

Actually, I think you can choose your family. Ok I'm not talking about genetic modification here but in life I totally think you have the right to choose your family. There was something going about on Facebook that said "Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child". Some people just don't have it in them to be parents. Some use their kids to blame their entire lives on so they have someone to direct their hate for their own lives at or just are not very nice people by nature. Either way, if they weren't related to you by blood would you live your life trying to please these kinds of people? No, and I can say for almost certainty these are not the people you want your kids to grow up with and heaven forbid learn any life lessons from. I am sorry things are bad and like most people on this post I have an interesting family situation, my mother was always a little mental but 5 years ago kicked my dad out, moved some random guy in the house 2 weeks later, refused to pay the rent (to her own mother who is retired and was her only source of income), ignored my 10 yr old brother to the point we found out she wasn't even feeding him (he was mentally a very young 10 yr old, if he wasn't made food then he didn't eat, sometimes for days) and posted threatening letters through her mothers door and started blocking her doorways (Nan lived in the upstairs flat and wheelchair bound). As horrible as it sounds I called the police and social services in, sometimes you have to almost shut down your feelings and do what's best, these people don't deserve YOU in their lives, please remember that. Well, for me, my dad has FULL custody of my brother and I haven't seen my mum in 4 years, why would I need that drama in my life. Sometimes it's just like a break up, yeah you may still love them out of some gut instinct but after all the crap they pull, why waste time and emotions into a black hole of doom and gloom, ********** EM! [insert any expletive you feel necessary] xx

gemmal, that's exactly why I quit associating with my mother.  I didn't feel I needed the doom and gloom in my life or my kids.  I actually feel sorry for her, because my two boys turned into fabulous men who care a great deal for the grandparents they still have living, and she really missed out on that.  For a parent who NEVER showed affection to her own kids, she demanded it from her grandkids.  My two are very loving boys, but as I said, she missed out on that.

I never had that feeling toward my mom and dad. I mean, granted, they weren't perfect but they did their best.

Gerle, as weird as this sounds I'm actually really proud of you/for you? I dunno but good! Once Mum heard I was in a serious settled relationship she's sent a few texts in the last few years (never replied) trying to hint that when me an he have kids she will be more than happy to help look after them for me while I am at work... What is that weird sense of entitlement they have towards grand kids? I can think of a few but none would ever convince me to leave my kids in the same town as them! Fool me once... 

PTDixieGal, honestly the majority of people out there that have kids, whether they struggle or generally have no clue what they are doing aren't bad parents, then again there are some people out there that just dont have the emotional connection to their kids to put them first or love them like a parent. As my mother kept reminding me, I was never planned, once she found out she was pregnant it was already too late to have an abortion and as the first child it seriously messed up my parents life plans. My father worked hard and didnt really help out much at home (he worked in a warehouse 10 hour days) but he loved his kids and always made sure we knew and was there is we needed anything. My mother was a stay at home mum who fed us and took us to the doctor if we needed etc but never stopped reminding me that i was never wanted and I ruined her life, moaned everytime we got sick because she had to take time out of her day to go to the doctors and moaned if we didnt eat all her cooking (politely speaking, she didnt exactly have a knack for not burning dinner) because goodness knows we should be grateful we were even getting that. I didn't have a bad childhood, I'm not moaning i was mistreated or anything and neither would my brothers, we just recognise that there is a difference between those that don't have it in them to be parents.