Hey guys,

I just need to vent here...I was asked a year ago to make a cake for our friends' adoption celebration for their two year old boy. Since then, I've graduated from university and am now teaching music at an elementary school so my time is very limited and precious. However, since I agreed back then I decided not to back out.

Fast forward....my friend (church friends) came up with this grand idea for a three-tiered monster and since I know they've had an incredible amount of cost associated with the adoption my husband and I offered to give my time as our gift. So, I will only be paid $60 for the cake which is not even covering costs!

The kicker here is that the invitations came out and right on it it said that not every child will be able to come due to space limitations (which means there will be some children there). Our children, ages 6 & 8 are friends with many of the families that are also invited to this party and we're sure that many of those kids will be there. Now, we are being forced to pay for babysitting (upwards of $40 for the evening), plus deliver the cake out a good distance to where the party is.

My conundrum is that if my husband and I wanted to go on a date we definitely wouldn't be going to a party where our friends kids are! I would really like to tell our friends that we will just be delivering the cake and not staying for the party (I'd really rather spend the evening with my own family) but I fear that would look bad. So, basically, I'm feeling that I'm good enough to donate up to 20 hours of my time but that we're not that important to invite our children to this grand party!

Sorry this is so long but I just had to get this off my chest! I really want to do the right thing but it's bothering me more than I really want to admit!

Thanks for listening!

That's really weird! I don't think it's very polite to include some kids but not others! How do they decide which kids get to come and which ones don't?? I don't blame you for being upset.

I also think the right thing to do would have been to include your children as well. You are so kind to support her by making her such a nice cake and pay for your own time, some costs and a baby sitter. She should have appreciated your support and friendship by including them in the celebration.

It might be better to share your thoughts with your friend. It is not fun to make a cake feeling taken advantage of. Maybe tell her your feelings are hurt when your children are left out and you don't understand why their company isn't important after all you're doing for them. If she knew you would make a cake for her for a whole year, she had plenty of time to plan a party where there's space for your kids.

I hope it works out!

There will be a a lot of people there, so it won't be super noticeable that you're not there. Just send her an oopsie! I have conflicting plans email (or whatever), deliver the cake, and enjoy your night with your hubby

I don't think the invitation was very tactfully worded. They should either have invited all of the kids, or none of the kids, or they should hire a sitter (or two) for the kids and just set the kids and sitter up in another room.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. Personally, I would just say that I would be delivering the cake, but that my sitter had left for college this year and we hadn't found another sitter we were comfortable with yet, so we would not be able to stay for the celebration. I wouldn't lie about other plans...let your friends realize that they're not being polite by telling you some children will be included but yours will not. I'm not as nice as you...I would probably say that honestly, because of the time constraints of the new job, it's not possible to spend 20 hours making and decorating the cake, but that you'll be glad to make (or buy at Costco) a sheet cake that will go with their theme.

Thanks for all of your responses! I really was feeling guilty for feeling this way but you have all validated my feelings! What also hurts is that I've given my friend a lot of my kids' designer clothing through the years as well as we've really tried to support them. I really like the idea of delivering a Costco cake but I don't think I could do that!

I think you've all given me enough of a backbone to deliver the cake and then take my kids swimming for the evening!

That is stupid. I would not go. In fact, I'd be insulted.

I understand how you feel, but don't let something like this fester, or ruin your friendship. My advice is to be honest with your friend. Let her know that you don't understand why your children are not welcome to attend the party. If her explanation doesn't satisfy you, then just tell her that you'll be dropping off the cake and not staying for the party. Honesty is always the best policy!

Shouldn't an adoption celebration be a FAMILY event? If there's limited space, ALL the children should have been factored into the total number of guests. I don't blame you for being upset and I think it's gracious of you to still do the cake under the circumstances.

If this is a real friend, why not call her up and talk to her about it? Tell her how you feel and that it would be much better if you could just bring your kids.

If she says no, then just tell her that the best thing is for you to deliver the cake and spend the evening with your family.

If she's a real friend, she'll understand--both sides.

Rae

Cherrycakes, I'm really sorry you and your family have been treated in this way by your 'friend'. Maybe 'acquaintance' would suit better in this case and surely lacking of tact. Your cakes are too beautiful for a person who doesn't fully deserve them (and not paying enough to even cover the cost of the ingredients for the cake - just my opinion). Have a nice evening with your family, maybe in the end it really is a better option (thinking of a bunch of 2yr olds crying, screaming, spreading the cake everywhere and spilling the drinks... - don't get me wrong, I have two small children myself, but not fond of parties at all...)

Wow, I agree that it was rude to not invite some kids. It's not like it's an "adult dinner party" or something. And I would NEVER have a party for 2 year olds at 7pm, thats just asking for trouble. Are they in their 30s or 40s and adopting for the first time? Sometimes first time parents just don't think about these things first, they are used to doing things when and how they want. They've never had to adjust to kid's schedules or think about naps and bedtimes.

If you are like me, I would feel a sense of responsibiliy to make the cake since I had promised to do it so long ago. But, that being said, I would also explain to the hostess that I would not be attending due to the fact that your children were not going to be there, and the fact that you wanted to spend the evening with your children. Being a working mother, your time with your children is just as important as her time spent with hers. Be honest, and just tell her that since you have such limited time with your children you would really like to spend the evening with them.

No way should you feel guilty about not wanting to attend this party! I'm amazed that someone thinks it's acceptable to invite some kids, but not others. If you can't accomodate all the guests (with their kids), you cut back on the guest list until you can. You're a peach for still doing the cake, in my opinion.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and feelings! It's so nice to be a part of a community where others "get" what we're going through! Here's a quick update: we have asked my sister-in-law to take our kids for the evening. It will require more driving but they will look forward to spending a night with their aunt as a consolation for not attending the party.

I will be starting the cake on Friday (it's already baked and in the freezer) and am really trying to empathize with my friend for the decision that she has had to make. While I agree that it's probably not the right one in many people's eyes, it is the decision they made and I know they didn't make it lightly. I will make them a cake and hopefully it will bless them as they begin their new life as an official family.

I'll post a pic when I'm done!

Well, here's the end of the story. I made the cake, we took our kids to their aunt's and we went to the party. As I figured, there were several kids (including some of our kids' friends) at the party so it definitely wasn't a relaxing evening. The only thing good was it made us happy that we weren't chasing after ours all evening! One thing I did learn during this process was that my time is worth more than anyone wants to pay me for and I will go back to only making cakes for my family and VERY close friends!

http://cakecentral.com/gallery/2203677

Your cake was gorgeous! I bet it was the highlight of the party!

Great job on the cake. You should have taken the top tier and put it aside when cutting it, letting ehr know, your kids were so upset not to be getting a piece since they had to watch you make it for 20 hours, so you promised them the top .