In Business With Your Spouse

Decorating By dalis4joe Updated 12 May 2010 , 1:34pm by cakesdivine

dalis4joe Posted 24 Jan 2010 , 9:06pm
post #1 of 20

Oh my GWAD!!!!!

somebody please help me... give me some advise!!!
I run a cake business with my husband... and 2010 has given us tonsss of new orders... which is great for us!
BUT
BUT
BUT

HE IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!

When I tell him something.... he doesn't like WHAT I say, HOW I say it...
IF I see him doing something that I know needs to be done another way..
THEN I AM CALLING HIM STUPID! (thats what he thinks)
Just now...
I (AS POLITE AS I CAN BE) told him that the pattern he's making needs to be done with exact measurements because when it dries it needs to match all sides equally
Well...
he says that I never told him that it needed to be exact....
so I say...
"Hon... I'm sorry that I did not tell you that... I assumed you knew that because you know we are glueing allthe sides together"...
HE GOT OUT OF THAT.....
SO NOW I AM A MORON CAUSE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN RIGHT?

I don't know if this is normal but I am about to just give up!!!!!
GGGRRRRRRRRRRR

19 replies
luv2bake4u Posted 24 Jan 2010 , 9:33pm
post #2 of 20

hi,,
sorry thats happening. I could see that happening with my husband. We get on each other's nerves when we are around each other too much.

brincess_b Posted 24 Jan 2010 , 9:37pm
post #3 of 20

its like that thing, you shouldnt live with friends!

working with partners would be very tricky too! i guess its a case of trying to stay in a business frame of mind - if this was any other business partner, would the two of you talk to him as you talk to each other?

maybe try and split the workload so you work a bit more seperate from each other?

i have thought about opening my business with my partner, but i now know i would ram a dowel somewhere sore!
xx

dalis4joe Posted 24 Jan 2010 , 9:50pm
post #4 of 20

brincess_b you are soooo right.... i will talk to him and maybe we can try that approach... caue I know for a fact that he doesn't talk like that to his co-workers....

as far as splitting the workload.... we do! lol but I'd be doing my part and look over and see him doing something wrong.... or he might say that something is not coming up right and I give suggestions.... that he takes as me bossying him around and/or insulting "his intelligence" as he puts it
it's very frustrating
but I will try to use the "any other co-worker" approach...

MalibuBakinBarbie Posted 24 Jan 2010 , 10:12pm
post #5 of 20

Sorry to hear that you're having a bit of a hard time with your working relationship with your husband.

I am in business with my DH. (Not a bakery.) We rarely see each other, although the business requires frequent phone communication. What I find works for us is to step aside from the "marriage" and have the frame of mind that you are business partners when working together. We actually had a verbal discussion about it, in order to have a "meeting of the minds" (so we're both on the same page). We made it clear that when one asks the other a question, we are not "nagging" or "bossing" each other around. During business hours, we are indeed running a business, and we respect and refer to eachother as business associates. thumbs_up.gif

Good luck, and I hope this works out for you both! icon_smile.gif

dalis4joe Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 12:26am
post #6 of 20

MalibuBakinBarbie.....

Thanks for your advise I have added your tips into what I will be talking to him about when we talk later on tonite....

It sounds like you and your hubby have a sound agreement that works.... which is what I am trying to achieve.... thanks again...

Wish me Luck!

indydebi Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 12:41am
post #7 of 20

There is a reason I was a sole owner LLC and my hubby was not involved in the business.

Some men, and mine was one of them, find it "demeaning" to work FOR "the wife". My hubby, biggest cheerleader that he is for me, would frequently make comments of "I wont' work FOR you ... I"ll work WITH you." Oh gosh, sweetie, I'm sorry you find it HUMILATING to tell your little friends that THE WOMAN in the house is in charge of you!

Something as simple as buying me a Betty Crocker cake mix at Walmart for 96 cents instead of going 15 minutes down the road and buying one at the local grocery for three DOLLARS would start a big argument. That I should KNOW he hates going to walmart; me telling him that I don't have TIME for him to tootle along the back country roads all the way to the other grocery and when he's spending MY (business) money, he'll spend it at MY suppliers and not spend three times as much which affects my overhead costs!

But then *I'M* the moron because *I* just dont' get it. icon_mad.gif

On the very very rare occasion that he'd help (and not with anything baking or decorating), and when I'd tell him, "Dont' do that ... do it this way.", he'd get all pissy with "I KNOW how to do something this simple!" to which I'd reply, 'Then WHY are you doing it WRONG then!?"

Early on, we decided tht it was best if he stayed the hell out of my business.

giggysmack Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 12:45am
post #8 of 20

icon_cry.gif
I wish you all the best

JustToEatCake Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 1:52am
post #9 of 20

Yes, that would be very hard. The only thing I have to suggest is perhaps you can ask him if he'd like to take a cake decorating class with you. Perhaps at one of the cake conventions or similar.

jammjenks Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 2:08am
post #10 of 20

When I met my husband, he was my boss. That is the last time we worked together and, as God is my witness, <raises right hand> I shall never work with him again.

We are a great parenting team, but we are terrible as co-workers.

conb Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 2:23am
post #11 of 20

My husband and I don't have a business, but we do decorate cakes together. However at first it was tense because he was not doing it the way I thought it should be done, so I asked him to take a Wilton's class and he did. That made a big difference, he could make sense of some of the things that I was saying to him. We decided that we would respect each other's work and communicate in a nice way any criticisms that we might have. And there are times I really need his help. My suggestion is to agree to be respectful of one anothers feelings.

indydebi Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 2:39am
post #12 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by conb

My suggestion is to agree to be respectful of one anothers feelings.


Easy to do if one of us (clear throat ... HIM!) isn't a moron! icon_lol.gif

I tell people, "I have agreed to stop treating him so bad if he'll agree not to be an idiot all the time. The problem is that he won't keep his end of the bargain!" icon_lol.gif

ladybug76 Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 2:59am
post #13 of 20

My husband; although I LOVE that man dearly, calls our business a "family" business... but I seem to be the only one in the kitchen!! I'm OK with that, but where he comes in on this "family" business is his creative input at the last hour. He is my biggest fan and my worst critic. I could be working on a cake for hours and hours and he will waltz on in, give his input and if he thinks something is 'off' on the cake, it stresses me out since I just want to finish the cake -- not change the design details!! GRRR..... I enjoyed reading this forum for advise, so thanks to everyone in sharing!!
~ Jaim

emiyeric Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 3:05am
post #14 of 20

Indy, that's freakin' hysterical!!!! It reminds me of the coffe mug we bought one of my professors after med school: "I'll agree to be nicer, if you agree to be smarter". Too funny!!! icon_smile.gif

indydebi Posted 25 Jan 2010 , 3:06am
post #15 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladybug76

My husband; although I LOVE that man dearly, calls our business a "family" business... but I seem to be the only one in the kitchen!!


icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif My ex husband was like that! I describe it as:

I did the ads. I solicited the brides. I made the appts. I sat and talked with them. I booked the order. I bought the supplies. I baked the cakes. I iced and decorated the cakes. I loaded everything up and took it to the reception. I set the cake up. I stayed and cut the cake. I brought everything home. I unloaded everything. I washed everything. He carried the equipment to the basement storage area.

And he told everyone that "WE" do weddings. icon_confused.gif

What is this 'we' sh*t? You gotta mouse in your pocket? icon_confused.gif

dalis4joe Posted 12 May 2010 , 6:33am
post #16 of 20

I was going through my "watch this topic" list.... and I just laughed so much... Debi is a trip!

emrldsky Posted 12 May 2010 , 12:43pm
post #17 of 20

I gotta say, my DH is a very sensitive person, and while I can be too, I'm not nearly as bad as he is.

If I see him doing something wrong (we don't own a business together, but we do own the house together), I just let him get on with it. If I have to fix it later, whatever. I know the minute I try to "help" or "explain" he feels bad that he's made a mistake, embarrassed by it, and then frustrated because not only does he have these FEELINGS, but I'm compounding them by telling him what he's doing wrong.

If he forgets to do something that I've asked him to do, I do it myself. If I were to remind him, he'd get upset and cranky, but him seeing me do it myself turns his frustration on him, not me.

Funny (yet sad) story: I had my wisdom teeth removed last year, and I was on some really strong narcotics for several days. Because of that, getting up and walking around wasn't easy for me, as I would get severe dizzy spells and nearly faint. So I asked DH if he would make me some oatmeal. An hour later I was tired of waiting (and HUNGRY), so I made it myself. It took me 30 minutes, but I made it (the instant stuff in the packages)!

DH walks into the living room shortly after I was sitting back on the couch, takes one look at me, and his face just falls. He looked so sad (like someone kicked his puppy), that I couldn't snap at him.



Or you two could just need a vacation from each other! icon_biggrin.gif

kkitchen Posted 12 May 2010 , 1:01pm
post #18 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by dalis4joe

Oh my GWAD!!!!!

somebody please help me... give me some advise!!!
I run a cake business with my husband... and 2010 has given us tonsss of new orders... which is great for us!
BUT
BUT
BUT

HE IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!

When I tell him something.... he doesn't like WHAT I say, HOW I say it...
IF I see him doing something that I know needs to be done another way..
THEN I AM CALLING HIM STUPID! (thats what he thinks)
Just now...
I (AS POLITE AS I CAN BE) told him that the pattern he's making needs to be done with exact measurements because when it dries it needs to match all sides equally
Well...
he says that I never told him that it needed to be exact....
so I say...
"Hon... I'm sorry that I did not tell you that... I assumed you knew that because you know we are glueing allthe sides together"...
HE GOT OUT OF THAT.....
SO NOW I AM A MORON CAUSE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN RIGHT?

I don't know if this is normal but I am about to just give up!!!!!
GGGRRRRRRRRRRR




I am in the same situation as you. Hubby and I are starting a cake shop. He has this thing about him that when I tell him how to do something he gets the same way? Do I look stupid? In the beginning it was hard, but after he made a few mistakes he has mellowed out.
At the end of the day he understands, that it is not just being another cake decorator - but is being the best available in my area. I take it seriously and I am very passionate about my work, and it was a war for him to understand that. Thankfully now he does.

All will be fine with you all once he gets the sickness of cake decorating.

LindaF144a Posted 12 May 2010 , 1:17pm
post #19 of 20

I'm not a counselor, I've just been with my hubby for 24 years.

I suggest two things that may or may not work.

One is when you make a suggestion, try hugging him from the back and planting a little kiss on the neck. Then he'll think with his pe..., well you get it. When they think that way they are thinking of something else and not thinking that what you told them might be a sting to the ego.

Okay, that was tongue in cheek, but you get the idea. icon_wink.gif

The second thing is sit down and have a serious talk. Do this sometime on a Sunday afternoon or anytime where you are away from the business and back into hubby and wifey mode. Approach it this way that you want to know how her "feels". Use that word a lot. Ask him to tell you how he feels when you tell him how to do a scroll. And he has to say back to you "when you tell me to do ..... it makes me feel..... Often times you will find that there are other issues and not that you make him feel stupid. My guess is that is he is new to this and being a guy and hearing critiquing (not criticism, make that clear. There is a difference) is hurting the ego a little. I bet if you weren't married and you had this working relationship you wouldn't get this feedback. But because you are married, he feels comfortable venting about the hurt ego. Guys are supposed to know everything already, don't you know. icon_wink.gif (Again another tongue in cheek joke here).

And don't forget it is two ways. Make it for both of you, because it is the dynamic of how you both feel in the situation. Tell him that "When he yells back at you about....it makes you feel..... You both need to understand how each other feels about the situation. And having it be a two way thing helps both of you at the same time. Just don't turn it into an argument, keep focused on the subject of working together to make a cake and don't let it stray to any other subject.

Good luck.

cakesdivine Posted 12 May 2010 , 1:34pm
post #20 of 20

I live this nightmare daily, but not with my cake business, with my dance studio. I wish I could give you some advice, but I really don't have any. If we survive this year I may decide to not be a part of the dance studio next year because of the power struggles. Bottom line...I owned a very successful dance studio for 13 years then took an 8 year sabatical. He was a co-owner of a studio for 1 year in his early 20's (he is 50 now), and his role was really that of teacher only, the person he owned it with was the money, he was the talent so he didn't make any biz decisions. He won't listen to me, gives in to the parents wishes and every parent wants something different and most times are contridictary to each other's wishes as well as the policies. He thinks that because I closed my studio that I was a failure...then I say to him but you say you owned a studio but for only one year? How is that better? How does that give you more working experience than I? He has never produced a recital before and he keeps giving parents misinformation regarding it. I tell him everything and yet he makes decisions about the biz behind my back all the time.

The last issue we had was yesterday. We have been discussing the removal of the drink vending machine. We had water, gatorade, and juices. The profit margin on the drinks was very slim and when you factor in the electricity costs that this machine pulls we are losing money every month. Since he was not doing anything about it I took the bull by the horns over the weekend (he was out of town) and emptied the machine and called the company to come and pick the thing up. He was furious when he returned and I told him to expect a call from the company about the pick up. He was mad because I made that decision without him. I told him it wasn't like we hadn't discussed the issue a thousand times already and that I was tired of it not getting done, so I did it. So he is all huffy & puffy today. Boo hoo....LOL!

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%