Today has been horrible. I found out last night that my husband (who is in a band that plays about once a month) has been texting, calling and sending photo text's back and forth with a 24 year old band groupie (who has allready been a part of one band marriage falling into pieces). He had previously acted as though they were just aquaintances and had even been "counseling" his friend to get away from her and work on his marriage. Last night after my womens intuition kicked in I reviewed our phone bill to find no less than 60 late night texts, phone calls etc that were all sent in one night while he was on a business trip at the end of October.
When he got home from his "gig" last night there was a note for him and a pillow and blanket so he could sleep on the couch. This morning I kicked him out. I went to my best friends and she feels as though I am overreacting and that divorce is not the answer.
My husband is a very needy guy who has allways had more ease befriending women than men and tends to get a bit free with his mouth. He has no edit button. He agrees that what he did was "inappropriate" but feels that it was not infedelity. I disagree. If he would send her explicit texts in response to those she sent him, then he would take it further. I just wanted to get the input of some of you who do not know us. I would LOVE to have some input from the guys out there also. Either way, he is staying at his moms and will not be allowed back into this house untill he proves he can be a MAN and not a pubescent boy.
I have a 4 and 6 year old daughters and I want to teach them how to do what is right and not tolerate this type of behavior. I will not bad mouth thier father in front of them but they need to know that a woman does not have to put up with this.
TIA and please pray for me to make wise decisions.
Would you consider marital counselling?
I would be furious and heartbroken if my DH were being unfaithful. I hope I would have the strength to forgive him and work on our marriage with him under the guidance of a counselor and our priest.
What he did was inexcusable. Yes, he broke his vows and that is a horrible thing for him to do to you and your children. However, I still think many people are too quick to jump to divorce without at least trying couselling first. Would you be happier in the long-run if you were able to salvage your marriage? Would your daughters be better off if you were able to salvage your marriage?
It is good for your daughters to see you stand up for yourself, but they still need their father in their daily lives.
1) FAULTY LOGIC -- "If he would send her explicit texts in response to those she sent him, then he would take it further." --- NO proof he would -- mere conjecture. This is the same logic the Shakespeare exposes as faulty in "Julius Caesar" when he has Brutus decide to murder Caesar "then lest he may, prevent" -- it's the faulty logic that the movie Minority Report showed just how terribly wrong it could go -- arresting people just for "the thought" -- without action.
do not jump to "confusions" -- he could be "all show (or in this case mouth) and no go.
yes, he did text in a manner not acceptable as he did it -- but that raises the question --
is it always wrong for a man to text any woman who is not his wife? finance? mother? daughter? is a married man to conduct his life as if a monk?
marriages are NOT to be treated as so much of our life has become -- as something that as soon as it frays, becomes worn/torn -- it should be tossed aside and a "new, improved, now better than ever" one found to replace it.
marriages are not clothes, furniture, cars, linens, towels, carpets, etc. -- all those all to "material" things we consume and then turn to garbage.
marriages are to be life-long commitments that, granted-- take two to make the tango work. a dance of one is not a tango. That the tango should be the analogy is most apt as it is HARD work just like a marriage.
does the lesson you want to teach the daughters also include the concept that relationships are as disposable as a pair of torn jeans, a dirty paper plate?
or do you want them to learn that people and the relationships with them are worth fighting for and will take lots of CARE and constant tending and LOVE and communication?
which raises the question -- are you TOTALLY blameless? is it really ALL his fault?
Have you been tending the garden of your relationship? or have you allowed it to become parched from drought through lack of attention, lack of caring?
Has the garden of your relationship become choked with the weeds of lack of communication and misunderstanding?
Has the garden of your relationship become overgrown, withering the shade of "self" and "me" and "mine" instead of "us", "we", "ours"?
Why would he be so infatuated with "breakup gal"? What is she offering that he feel he needs and isn't getting?
Yes, stand up to him. He now knows he's done wrong and done you and the girls wrong.
But, honestly evaluate your complicity in this too.
and then as suggest above -- get counseling, individually and jointly
So there wasn't any sex, right? If he was planning to have sex he would have called her from some other phone and you wouldn't have known about it. It sounds like he was tempted and knew you'd read the phone bill and get him back in line...maybe he wants attention from you, maybe it's part of some fantasy of being a rock star with hot young girls after him, but it's not like you caught him knocking on her hotel room door with a 12 pack of condoms and a grin on his face.
You're right to be furious with him. You're right to kick him out for a while (although it would have been better if his mom didn't take him in, so he would really miss all the comforts of home, like meals and laundry.)
I'm not sure if a divorce is the answer. Maybe counseling...
At least this was a one-night thing, if they had been calling each other all month it would seem a lot worse to me. I'd be pissed too...and my husband doesn't have a mom's house to go to, he'd end up sleeping on his buddy's floor with the cigarette butts and the cockroaches.
Were the pics X-rated? If they weren't then no big deal. If they were then there's an issue. No matter what they were make sure your not mad at him for not calling you. In the arena he's in he is going to have many friends. It doesn't sound like he was sleeping with her. It depends on what level the pics were.
The other thing is, the kids don't know anything about his behavior, all they know is that daddy's not there and mommy's mad...knowing kids they're probably blaming themselves somehow.
I think married people get into the flirtation thing because it gives them back that rush...the excitement...that newness that wears off after marriage. Let's face it, we get to know each other SO well after awhile. Then there's a new person who's attracted and there's the temptation to act like a horny teen again. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying it's human.
You're home with the little ones, and he's in bars, playing his music and getting eyed by the groupies. I can't imagine there not some resentment there anyway. That would be human on your part.
You need counseling...absolutely. You owe it to yourself, him and MOST especially to your children. Get to the root of your problems with help, try and work through them, grow from the experience. I've gone to a therapist off and on since my marriage of 22 years ended 8 years ago. We went together and since then I've gone myself. I am still amazed how much it helps to have a neutral person to talk to, and one who cuts right through the bullsh*t. Even though I still chose to end the marriage, I know in my heart that I did everything I could. That's what I thought my children truly deserved. That's the lesson I wanted them to learn...that you do everything you can and then make the best decision. The most valuable thing I learned from therapy is that children will always be okay if the parents treat each other with respect.
Ask him if he's willing to go. That will tell you a lot right there.
I realy do appreciate your input. I will try to respond to some of the questions that were raised.
Yes I do "tend the garden" of our marriage. He had "attention" whenever he wants it, he gets anything in bed that he desires. We are very affectionate and demonstrative in public. He and I tell each other many times a day that we love each other etc... I think that is what is so upseting about this. If I were one of those wives who did not put out or who was a bitch that would be one thing but I am not and he has said that this is the best thing he has ever had in his life.
I am not perfect and niether is he. We have made mistakes but our marriage has been one that many people have admired and our friends tend to come to one of us when they have relationship issues. The funny thing is that I was sitting at a table with 2 other band wives last night listening to them talk about thier husbands cheating with this little tramp and wa thinking how lucky I was. It was not untill much later last night that I just had a nagging feeling and decided to check it out for myself. I am not sure if I am glad I did or not.
As for his staying at his moms, She lives less than a mile away and so I knew he would be able to see the girls as much as possible. I don't want to put on the air that I want a divorce and that I am not willing to work on this but I am very drained from having someone who is so emotionaly needy and requires constant ego stroking. Everything has been about him for 8 years and at some point I need to think about me. I do agree that the girls need to learn that you do EVERYTHING you can before you walk away. I will do my part but not untill he shows that he is willing to get some help and work on his personal demons. I will not allow him to move home untill I have that proof.
As for the pictures, yes they were of his genitals and were sent in response to her sending crotch shots of herself. He told me this when I asked what the multi media texts were.
He came over tonight and wanted to move back and I told him no way. He wanted a hug and I would not let him touch me. The girls were very upset when he was getting ready to leave I told them that Daddy had hurt mommy's feelings very much and done something very bad and that because of that he was in grown up time out and that sometimes grown up time outs have to be at other homes and last longer than time out for a little kid.
He knows that he caused all of this with his needs and I have no intention of making any of this easy on him. At some point he has to grow up.
Thanks for all of your input. I have truely listened to all of it.
Since they were of the x-rated variety I agree with ya. For whatever that's worth. LOL. If it was just you, and him no big deal. but you have kids, and he needs to decide RIGHT now what he wants in life.
If you really still want to make this work, I would try and resolve this with him and discuss everything calmly. I know it would be hard but you can do it.
If you are unable to handle this relationship anymore, please don't let the children be the reason to stay with him. Move on and the better will come.
I will pray for you and wish you all the strength you need.
Take care and wish you all the best.
Lets just say taht calm was not in the cards this morning. Mike, thank you for your validation.
Sounds like y'all reall need counselling.
re: his pics -- OH SOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wrong, not to mention immature, childish, disgusting, ICK, needs a slap up one side the head! (and I wonder if not illegal?) -- You are so in the right on this.
re: adult time out -- what a fantastic explanation!!! tho' his could last a LONG time.
re: his mom -- hmmm...and I wonder why he needs so much validation?!?!?!?! -- even she should have said no. there are these things called motels!
re: mom - does she know the content of those messages? would be interesting to know her reaction when she does.
re: the last 8 years -- abuse isn't just physical -- it can be mental, emotional -- sounds like that's been the case for you -- slowly beaten down by his emotional needs at expense of your own.
definitely consoling for both -- each individually and as a couple
Doug, you are allways insightfull. No there has not been abuse. I just feel like I have a 235 lb baby half the time. Yes his mom knows what was in the texts. My girls were with her last night (we were at a band gig) and when I went to pick them up I told her. This woman is so inmature and feels like her kids can do no wrong and I did not want her getting his edited version and my being labled as the bad guy as usual. In our small town there is no motel and I am really fine with him being there. At least I dont have to wonder where he is. As I told him. She raised him and screwed him up (or at least had a big part to play in it) so she can do his laundry (which by the way I sent with him). By the way, he did get a slap. A BIG ONE.
BeeBoo's I totally know what you are going through been in the EXACT same situation!!!! Only DH's little hooch had the audacity to post their wedding announcement on the web!!! guess what I prayed and prayed and prayed and it all blew up in their face!! DH came home and though it isnt always easy we ARE working through our issues and trying much harder to be more thoughtful ofone another I will be Praying for you and your family I totaly understand your pain and anger right now if you need to talk or vent PM me! DH was also in a band nad was with a groupy, I dont have the perfect answer but I will listen and try to help best I can
I'm sorry but I agree with you and Mike. As women, we know what is going on with our spouses. I hate when men say, where's the proof. We know! I have yet to meet a woman that when she got that "feeling" about her man, hasn't been right. They are ALWAYS right. This is a respect thing, period. And genital pics.?!?! Where do we think this is leading? That doesn't count, cause it hasn't happened yet?! Whatever! Also don't want to hear it comes with the "band" image. I think you know your situation. I think you know who your dealing with. You don't need validation. You know what you will except, what you need to do, and whats going on. You know.
BeeBoo's~ I am so sorry that you are going through this. I must say that in my opinion what your Husband did is equivalent to sleeping with this woman. He took what God intended for you and shared it with some other woman. I don't blame you for asking him to leave and I think you are very wise to teach your daughters that they shouldn't let a man mistreat them. I suggest you pray for guidance and wisdom to make the right decision. I can only imagine how heart broke you must be. I will be praying for you and your family.
My reaction would be that before he could come home, he would have to be tested with proof that he is clean of any STD's. Even though you don't think anything has happened make sure and get proof.
Next, he would have to earn back your trust and respect again before coming home, no matter how long it takes.
He is living in a fantasy world of a rocker that gets to act immature and have girls falling all over him. Ask him how he thought this would play out. Does he want to live a double life?
Stick to your guns and teach your children that you deserve to be respected every day of your marriage.
Check out http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=2
very supportive group with lots of advice if you choose to work on your marriage or if you want out . it was a good place to be at the time I went through something similar ( ex was cheating with a friend of mine- she told me , i actually had to snoop more to find out the whole story but glad i did)
I just wanted to thank everyone for thier input and advise.
We have talked and he is MORE than aware of what he needs to accomplish before I will consider letting him come home. He quit the band and is going to go back to playing at our church. I don't want him to give up playing I just want him to do it in an atmosphere that is nurturing and not damaging.
My girls are doing OK although they miss Daddy very much. I miss the man I married and I hope that he will be able to get him back. Time will tell but I made vows and I intend to do everything possible to work on this marriage. The first step is him getting himself straightened out. I think he is willing to do whatever he needs to in order to correct things including counseling. Now if we can just keep the "family" out of our faces.
Glad to hear you guys are going to try and work things out !! You have chosen the path of love and not hate, this is going to be a difficult road but you can both do it Church is the best place for you to both start. As for the family they want what is best for you both and their feeling have also been hurt with this stand your ground when you need to and comfort them when you can it will work out just stay in your faith. It isnt easy and believe me there are days when I still want to find a certian girl and just tell her how sorry she is but then I remember,she has to look in the mirror everyday and one day she will see just how ugly she truly is. I can look in the mirror and see the woman God has made me. best of luck and I will continue to pray for your family