The Jerk Is Really Sick... ( Sorry, It's Long !! )

Lounge By jules06 Updated 12 Jul 2009 , 12:33pm by jules06

jules06 Posted 21 Jun 2009 , 11:24pm
post #1 of 32

My ex partner ( father of my daughter ) & I haven't been together for nearly 4 years - my daughter is 3 1/2 yrs.old
Long story short, he's an abusive, aggressive, stupid jerk...ahem... but he does love his daughter & she loves him too
So...he had been complaining of feeling sick for a couple of weeks ( flu like symptons etc ) , didn't seem to be doing much about it tho'...then last Fri.night, his mum calls to let me know he's in I.C.U at the local hosp - pneumonia, kidney failure !! I took Mia up to see him on the Wed (still in I.C.U ) for a little bit...he looks like c*#* !!
Turns out he has Bacterial Endocarditis , clots in his heart & lungs & will possibly need a heart valve replacement ( he's 36 !! )...but I'm thinking, okay, few more weeks of anti-biotics etc, I'm sure he'll be fine.........

I got a call from his mum this am - he has been on a respirator the last 2 days, he is septic, & has been taken down to the cardiac hospital in the city ( 1 1/2 hrs. away )........OMG !!! I feel really bad for him, his mum & Mia.I also feel really guilty for not taking her to see him more often............

Positive thoughts would be very welcome right about now icon_sad.gif please ?

31 replies
beanbean Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 12:21am
post #2 of 32

I'm sorry to hear your daughter's father is so sick. Endocarditis has a very high mortality. However, if he was a young and healthy 36 yo before his illness, hopefully his strength and stamina will help him pull through. It is good to hear he was transferred to a larger hospital. Critically ill patients benefit from being in ICUs at larger centers with a breadth of experience and more specialists.

If I can help translate any medical terms for you - just PM me. (I am a physician)

jammjenks Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 1:02am
post #3 of 32

Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I know he's a jerk, but it is still sad. Hopefully he'll recover and this will be the wake-up call he needed to set him back on track.

jules06 Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 2:31am
post #4 of 32

Thanks jammjenks & beanbean - unfortunately, he wasn't fit & healthy beforehand - overweight, heavy smoker / drinker , not to mention the drugs he took - I just hope he has it in him to overcome this.

indydebi Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 3:16am
post #5 of 32

The decisions you made were based on the information and the situation at the time. There is no way in the world you could have anticipated this. An aggressive, abusive person is someone you would WANT to protect your daughter from. And if she didn't see him much, then it sounds like HE didn't pursue it very hard to come and spend time with HER. It's a two way street .... you are not the only responsible adult in this deal.

There is no guilt here. Sounds like you took her as soon as you heard the situation, but there is no guilt.


Annabakescakes Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 3:46am
post #6 of 32

My daughter has the same for a father, he left me when she was 5 weeks old, so I feel for you. She is now 5 and my husband is her daddy. She used to see the biological one pretty regularly, but it has been over a year and a half. If he dropped dead TOMORROW, he would still be an abusive, self centered, violent @$$hole TODAY! Little girls marry men that are remarkably similar to their dads, and while we don't wish death on the "biological-insignificant fathers", and it is tragic if it happens, you can "take these lemons and make lemonade". You can use your imagination and turn him into the father/man you wish he could have been , if only in memory. And she will have a better chance of being with that kind of a man when she is older. And he won't be here to shatter the illusion.
She is your responsibility, not him. That choice has already been made.
Sorry if I sound cold, but it is what i would do.

summernoelle Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 3:47am
post #7 of 32

Right-no guilt on your part is deserved. Yes, you should have sympathy for him. Yes, you should hope he pulls through and show support for his mom for the sake of your daughter. But no, that doesn't mean you should feel bad for the past.
Try to use the situation to show your daughter what it is to have compassion (and forgiveness). Also, the kindness you show him and his family will be very helpful to your poor daughter if her daddy does pass away.

My grandma was married to a very abusive man (who is my mom's dad.). He is currently dying, and my grandma was able to put all of that aside to show him compassion, and to let her know that she forgives him the past. It's hard, but it is the right thing to do. And in a way, it is very freeing for you as well to not carry that around.

I'm sorry for you!

jules06 Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 5:05am
post #8 of 32

Thankyou all for your support - I really appreciate it.

I think I feel guilty because, while I feel sorry for him for being so ill, I don't care enough about him to support him through this - he's only got his mum basically...& no matter how much of a pig he is, that's really sad.

Does that make sense ?

beanbean Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 7:20am
post #9 of 32

It all makes sense.

The best you can hope for is that if he does survive he uses this dance with death as motivation to get clean. The best you can do is take things a day at a time and realize you can't fix his endocarditis, his substance abuse or any of his other problems.

jules06 Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 11:47am
post #10 of 32

Thanks beanbean - it's nice to have someone I can talk to about this icon_smile.gif

jules06 Posted 23 Jun 2009 , 1:13pm
post #11 of 32

Well, he's having open heart surgery on Thursday & even though he's still on the ventilator , Mia & I are going down there with his mum tomorrow.

Deb_ Posted 23 Jun 2009 , 7:30pm
post #12 of 32

Good luck Jules, you're a great Mommy for doing this! (((Hugs)))) icon_smile.gif

jules06 Posted 24 Jun 2009 , 6:42am
post #13 of 32

Thankyou dkelly : )

I never thought I'd be asking for prayers for this guy but he really needs all the prayer & + ve energy he can get . ( I need to offload all this here as I don't have anyone else to talk to,so please excuse that ! )

Even though he's heavily sedated,he opened his eyes when he heard Mia,so he knew she was there icon_smile.gif
He's had a fever between 38 c - 40 c for the last couple of weeks ( they even put bags of ice around him to try to bring it down ) - he has 2 infections, only 1 they've identified so far.

The bacteria causing the endocarditis has formed a growth ( drs call it a "vegetation" ) on his heart ( 1/2 the size of palm of hand) which is breaking apart & going into his lungs & bloodstream - they have to remove that tomorrow, as well as replace his heart valve.....apparently he has a 1 in 5 chance of surviving surgery.....sigh.....I don't want my daughter to lose her dad just yet icon_sad.gif

Deb_ Posted 24 Jun 2009 , 8:01pm
post #14 of 32

You can unload here any time you feel the need. The greatest part about CC is that 24 hrs a day there's always somebody here to lend support.

I will definitely keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless!

jules06 Posted 25 Jun 2009 , 11:07pm
post #15 of 32

His surgery was last night & he pulled through, luckily - the damage was more extensive than they originally thought & he also had an undiagnosed hole in his heart that was repaired....long,slow road to recovery now .
I'm sooooo glad I don't have to have that conversation with Mia ,yet.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest ! icon_smile.gif

Deb_ Posted 26 Jun 2009 , 1:45am
post #16 of 32

That's good news! Will continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!

(((((Hugs to you and Mia))))) (love her name by the way)

Deb icon_smile.gif

jules06 Posted 26 Jun 2009 , 4:33am
post #17 of 32

Thankyou Deb icon_biggrin.gif

mommicakes Posted 26 Jun 2009 , 1:12pm
post #18 of 32

Jules, I am glad that things have leveled off for your daughter even if it is just a tiny amount. I'll keep you in my thoughts for strength and peace for you and your daughter. Remember we are always here to listen.

sarahpierce Posted 26 Jun 2009 , 2:12pm
post #19 of 32
Originally Posted by jules06

I'm sooooo glad I don't have to have that conversation with Mia, yet.

I know exactely what you're talking about. My oldest sons father is a heroin addict and he's addicted to pills. He keeps trying to kill himself. Apparently he tried again last week. He doesn't have much to do with my son now, but my DS is 10 - he's not stupid. He knows his biodad is a lowlife. But I know the day will come when I have to tell my son that biodad is dead. I have very mixed feelings about this. My heart aches for my son, not the abusive addict. Luckly I am now married to a wonderful man who my son calls DAD.

You're doing the right thing by being there for your daughter, and not letting your own emotions get in the way. You are high class, and your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you.

((((Big Hugs)))) for holding your tongue in the "real world", and venting to us in the cyber world. icon_wink.gif

jules06 Posted 27 Jun 2009 , 3:51am
post #20 of 32

Thanks sarahpierce & mommicakes icon_smile.gif
It does help to let it all out here as I'm estranged from most of my family & the sis I do talk to doesn't like him & can't really understand why I care what happens to him icon_confused.gif

His mum calls daily to let me know how he is - he has a pacemaker & they're still trying to bring his temp. down.

I'll take Mia down again when he comes out of I.C.U

thanks again thumbs_up.gificon_biggrin.gif

jules06 Posted 30 Jun 2009 , 6:19am
post #21 of 32

Just when I was breathing easier, he's back in theatre right now icon_sad.gif

His still high & they can't figure out what's causing it - his gall bladder isn't functioning properly,so they're taking it out to see if that's causing the problem.

Another high -risk surgery ( for him,anyway ).

His mum said he was semi-conscious yesterday ( he is now ventilated through a tracheotomy ) & when she showed him the pic of Mia visiting last time,she said tears were running down his face icon_sad.gif

jules06 Posted 30 Jun 2009 , 6:20am
post #22 of 32


Deb_ Posted 30 Jun 2009 , 12:02pm
post #23 of 32

Oh boy, he really has some battles to fight doesn't he.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

Take care,

Deb_ Posted 30 Jun 2009 , 12:03pm
post #24 of 32

Oh boy, he really has some battles to fight doesn't he.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

Take care,

jules06 Posted 2 Jul 2009 , 1:52am
post #25 of 32

Thankyou Deb icon_smile.gif

He's conscious now, so that's a step in the right direction .

Meemawfish Posted 3 Jul 2009 , 8:31pm
post #26 of 32

Wow Jules I'm so sorry to hear about all this especially where Mia is concerned. I will keep them and you in my prayers.

umgrzfn Posted 3 Jul 2009 , 10:16pm
post #27 of 32

Thoughts and prayers...and hugs for you hoping that he will pull through this for Mia!

jules06 Posted 3 Jul 2009 , 10:52pm
post #28 of 32

Thanks meemawfish & umgrzfn icon_smile.gif I really appreciate everyones' hugs & prayers ! He is doing much better now - temp is finally coming down.

Meemawfish, how are you going ? icon_smile.gif

Meemawfish Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 10:29am
post #29 of 32

I'm doing good Jules. I was so sad to hear about your troubles and Mia's dad. I know everything will get better.

jules06 Posted 11 Jul 2009 , 2:40am
post #30 of 32

I just want to thank you all for your kind thoughts,prayers & words of support icon_smile.gif
All going well, he'll be back at his mums' place in about a week & a half - hopefully he'll see this as the 2nd chance it is & mend his ways

We'll see,anyway !!! Thanks again thumbs_up.gif

Quote by @%username% on %date%