Can I Have Help With A Wedding Etiquette Question?? (Long)

Lounge By Jayde Updated 23 Apr 2009 , 12:34am by Jayde

Jayde Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 2:55pm
post #1 of 20

Ok ladies I need some advice, heres the story....

I am a bridesmaid in a wedding in September.

Momzilla is throwing the wedding shower, period. She is taking care of all of the plans, invites, cake (which is NOT being ordered from me, even though I offered a free cake!), everything. The shower is getting out of control, and what started off as a sweet simple shower with about 30 of our closest friends, has turned into a 3 ring circus with over 100 people invited!

Now because of the number of people obviously we have to have this thing at a venue, so Momzilla (who is divorced, cant afford her own rent, but comes from a very wealthy family and feels like she has something to prove) is having the shower at a restuarant catered, which I have no idea how much it is going to cost...

Since she is planning everything, we are NOT allowed to help (her words), she just wants us to contribute money to help buffer her cost. She didnt give us a specific price, just "oh, money is fine" kinda thing. I feel kinda weird asking her how much she spent on the shower so I can figure out a good amount to contribute.

Now the MOH told me that she doesnt have a lot of money (divorced, kid going away to college, etc.) so she is contributing $50 to the shower. *sigh* Now even if 100 people show up, that isnt going to do much...

I am third maid down and I am in a bit better of a financial situation and am thinking of offering the Momzilla $100. Still only a drop in the bucket, but the venue, cake, food choices were not my own and I personally would have been a bit more thrifty, and I havent been allowed to do anything to help, but throw money at it. Which kinda takes all the fun away.

My question is this, since I KNOW Momzilla will make comments about who contributed what in front of everyone, should all of us bridesmaids be offering the same amount? Is it etiquette-ly correct to offer different amounts? I dont want to embarrass the bride or the MOH....

Advice please?

19 replies
__Jamie__ Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 3:02pm
post #2 of 20

Offer exactly what you are comfortable with and absolutely not a penny more. If you are pressured, called out in front of people, ridiculed or elsewise...tell her to shove it. What a rude beeyotch. Sorry, I am so glad things like this don't happen to me, cuz I wouldn't handle it very well. By the way, you have to buy your dress, a wedding gift, what else??? You don't have to bankrupt yourself because of her visions of grandeur with a lack of finances on top of that! (hers, not yours, I mean). Sheesh!!!!

cakes22 Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 3:10pm
post #3 of 20

Tell it like it is _Jamie_!!!

I think you should offer what you feel is the right amount for you. She put this on herself for not accepting any help and wanting to do it her way. If she didn't express a particular amount, then tough t***ys for her.

If your friends with the other bridesmaids, feel around to see what they are offering and maybe suggest pooling your amounts and have it be from all of you, that way, no one gets singled out.


Hope you dress is decent and not some frilly seafoam green tea-length lacey POS. (and my biggest apologies and sympathy if it is icon_redface.gif )

Jayde Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 3:15pm
post #4 of 20

My daughter is the flower girl too. icon_rolleyes.gif

I dont understand how I get myself into these situations. It has been a battle from the beginning, since none of the bridesmaids have 'money.' Which in my opinion is not true, I have money, I am just careful where I spend it, and am thrifty in what I buy.

The bride has already been caught red-handed making nasty comments about me, which I have ignored and been the bigger person. The Bachelorette Party had gotten out of hand too. She wants us to go somewhere 14 hours away for the weekend. Uh, hello I have a job and a family?? icon_confused.gif

I just dont get where this is coming from, she is like the anti-money queen. She never has money when we go out, she always is a couple of dollars short on the bill, so you end up paying partly for her. She never wants to go on girls weekend trips, cause she never has the money. I dont see it as a bad thing dont get me wrong, cause I am careful with money, but if I dont have it, I just dont go out.

I guess that now someone else is footing the bill, its giving her a license to go crazy. And she is....

__Jamie__ Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 4:08pm
post #5 of 20

What is it with bridezillas, MOB zillas and whatnot?? The tv shows? Do some of these twits that watch these shows think they are entitled to act like divas and piss off everyone around them because it's their big day and they get to stamp their feet and make demands??? I don't get it....there seems to be a real lack of class in the world of weddings nowadays....except for the cakes...heee hee!!

brincess_b Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 4:23pm
post #6 of 20

you are allowed to say you dont want to be a bridesmaid. if the run up is this bad, how bad will it be 3 months out, on the day? no way will you be allowed to enjoy it!

if the mother wants to spend ridiculous amounts, let her. just make sure you (and everyone else) have their limit set on what they can contribute, dont get guilted into over spending. and that only the mother will get chased for unpaid bills!

if she does make comments bout getting 'only' $50 from people, have a come back ready! im no good at them, lol. i do like the idea of pooling money so its from 'the bridesmaids', or 'cousins'.

and just tell the bride you are unable to get away for a whole weekend, maybe the two of you (or couples) could go for dinner instead...
xx

Auryn Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 6:16pm
post #7 of 20

I don't know you personally, but if I were you, I would have already put in my resignation as bridesmaid.

If it is this bad now, it will get a lot worse the closer it gets and it will ruin your friendship.
Sounds like you are already resentful at the bride, for the way she treats you, as you should be, so don't let her keep abusing you.

Remember people will treat you however you allow them to, so quit allowing her to treat you like this.

Carolynlovescake Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 6:51pm
post #8 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayde

The bride has already been caught red-handed making nasty comments about me, which I have ignored and been the bigger person.




"I'm sorry but something has just come up and my daughter and I are unable to be a part of your special day."

michellenj Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 8:45pm
post #9 of 20

Are you sure you really want to be in this wedding? I'm not sure that I would, after catching her making nasty comments. Is this girl a really close friend?

Shelle_75 Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 10:15pm
post #10 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auryn

I don't know you personally, but if I were you, I would have already put in my resignation as bridesmaid.




thumbs_up.gif

I must have missed something, but since when did bridesmaids ever have to foot the costs behind whoever is throwing the bridal shower? Where I'm from, if you're throwing it, you're paying for it.

cakesbycathy Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 10:58pm
post #11 of 20

Run, run away as fast as you can!
I don't have enough time to talk about just how wrong this whole situation is.
Seriously, the bride is making nasty comments about you? This is not a friend. Set an even better example for your daughter and tell them you are no longer able to be in the wedding. Ignore the aftermath and take your daughter somewhere fun on the day.

SugarFrosted Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 10:58pm
post #12 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelle_75

Quote:
Originally Posted by Auryn

I don't know you personally, but if I were you, I would have already put in my resignation as bridesmaid.



thumbs_up.gif

I must have missed something, but since when did bridesmaids ever have to foot the costs behind whoever is throwing the bridal shower? Where I'm from, if you're throwing it, you're paying for it.




Agreed!

Also, am I mistaken in reading that the MOTHER of the BRIDE is throwing a bridal shower for her own daughter? When is that EVER good manners? And she is asking for donations to cover the cost since she can't afford it anyway?

Run! Run away! Run Fast!

ziggytarheel Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 11:21pm
post #13 of 20

Serious question, to add on to a previous post:

Where you are from, what are you "signing up" for when you agree to be a bridesmaid? And what does "third bridesmaid down" mean?

The problem I'm having is that none of this meets with etiquette or customs I'm familiar with. Around here, if you agree to be a bridesmaid, you are agreeing to show up on time, purchase the chosen outfit, and behave yourself. Even the maid/matron of honor isn't obligated to much more than this...pay special attention to the bride, be especially attentive to her...on the day of the wedding!

Although quite often a bridesmaid or bridesmaids decide to throw a shower, it is not required. More often, older, more financially able women throw the shower. And unless you are a member of a large church or another such organization, it isn't bigger than a house could hold!

Even if agreeing to be a bridesmaids means you are supposed to help throw a shower (here there are usually one or several small showers, not one large one), no one gets to bleed you dry for their own pleasure.

icon_smile.gif

ziggytarheel Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 11:23pm
post #14 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarFrosted

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelle_75

Quote:
Originally Posted by Auryn

I don't know you personally, but if I were you, I would have already put in my resignation as bridesmaid.



thumbs_up.gif

I must have missed something, but since when did bridesmaids ever have to foot the costs behind whoever is throwing the bridal shower? Where I'm from, if you're throwing it, you're paying for it.



Agreed!

Also, am I mistaken in reading that the MOTHER of the BRIDE is throwing a bridal shower for her own daughter? When is that EVER good manners? And she is asking for donations to cover the cost since she can't afford it anyway?


Run! Run away! Run Fast!




Yes, I'm a girl from around your parts. icon_smile.gif I've never known a mother to throw a shower for her own child. Unthinkable around here!

__Jamie__ Posted 22 Apr 2009 , 12:01am
post #15 of 20

I say this out of experience with my own dear friend...bless her greedy little heart. The shower was to get gifts...then, since they figured there wasn't a shower for men, they'd have a separate shower for themselves, as a couple. Hubby and I said, nuh-uh. Wedding present, shower gift, our clothes to attend (1 week after my c-section nonetheless)...we had to draw the line. Others did as well. I think she got the point. I love her to death though, but tact ain't her strong point at times.

MnSnow Posted 22 Apr 2009 , 12:52am
post #16 of 20

Ok here's my 2 cents worth. I have done many weddings and showers.
If Momzilla is planning and hosting the party then it's her bill to foot...no one elses.
If the Bridesmaids are hosting, then they're the ones paying..no one else.

Seriously, with a "friend" like that, do you need any enemies? I have to agree with the others...RUN!!!!

indydebi Posted 22 Apr 2009 , 1:32am
post #17 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by MnSnow

Ok here's my 2 cents worth. I have done many weddings and showers.
If Momzilla is planning and hosting the party then it's her bill to foot...no one elses.
If the Bridesmaids are hosting, then they're the ones paying..no one else.

Seriously, with a "friend" like that, do you need any enemies? I have to agree with the others...RUN!!!!




This pretty much sums it up.

It's like we say about the brides who want the Ace of Cakes cake at the walmart price ... if you can't afford the party, then you don't have the party. But you DON'T get to throw the party of the year and expect other people to pay for it.

It can only get worse. Back out now. Can you imagine what it will be like when (a) only 25 people show up and (b) the gifts aren't expensive enough?

Just curious .... are you a bridesmaid because they "need" your daughter for the flower girl? I've seen couples who struggle to "find" a 5 year old girl to be a flower girl because they don't know anyone. So I'm just curious if you were asked to be in the wedding just so they could use your daughter?

Regardless, this sounds like a whole potential chapter for www.etiquettehell.com !

michellenj Posted 22 Apr 2009 , 1:48am
post #18 of 20

In a perfect world, the money would have been discussed in the very beginning, and the costs divided equally among the hosts. In S. GA where I grow up, it was a definite No-no for a MOB or any close relative to host a shower, and when I moved to NJ I was horrified at all the moms throwing showers for their daughters. I guess it depends on the part of the country where you live.

Am I the only one who thinks huge showers are outrageous? I have rented our ballroom for bridal showers that are over 200 people, and the bride/ bridal party opend the gift on a stage and someone announces over a mic. what the gift was. Didn't you say it was potentially over 100 people? That's going to be a $2000 party, minimum. The mom is ridiculous to not figure it all up and let you know what to expect.

Let us know how this turns out!

juleebug Posted 22 Apr 2009 , 3:16am
post #19 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakes22

Tell it like it is _Jamie_!!!

I think you should offer what you feel is the right amount for you. She put this on herself for not accepting any help and wanting to do it her way. If she didn't express a particular amount, then tough t***ys for her.

If your friends with the other bridesmaids, feel around to see what they are offering and maybe suggest pooling your amounts and have it be from all of you, that way, no one gets singled out.


Hope you dress is decent and not some frilly seafoam green tea-length lacey POS. (and my biggest apologies and sympathy if it is icon_redface.gif )




I agree that pooling the money would prevent Momzilla from being able to publicly humiliate anyone who didn't contribute as much as she felt they should.

Thanks to my cousin, I happen to own that exact dress... icon_lol.gif

Jayde Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 12:34am
post #20 of 20

I was busy today guys, sorry about the lack of replies.

I wish I could get out of it. In fact when I heard about the nasty things that were being said about me, I cried and called my best friend, who is also a maid, and told her I didnt want to be in the wedding. Which is totally not me, I am not the wimpy weepy type. I think it was more the stress of the whole thing, than the actual comments that got to me.

I have my dress already, and my daughters as well. Our shoes have been bought and dyed, and I even have the special underwear that we are going to have to wear to be in this contraption. I probably have already spent a good $500 on wedding stuff already. I dont think I could get out of it now without ruining what is left of our friendship, which is already going down the toilet I must say.

The BFF gave me good advice. She said, take the backseat. If she needs/wants you to do something then she will ask. Dont offer to help, dont offer to plan, just sit in the backseat.

I took the backseat and now Momzilla is throwing the shower, cause the MOH sucks and has no balls, and Momzilla wants money to help with the bill. I talked to bridezilla, and she agreed to collect money and then give to Momzilla in one lump sum. I doubt it will happen that way, but only time will tell.

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