Is It Me Or Has Times Changed?

Lounge By krysoco Updated 14 Mar 2009 , 5:58pm by krysoco

krysoco Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 10:31pm
post #1 of 50

Today I had my DD's 3rd bday party at home w/neighborhood kids invited. I think ppl use my kids bday parties as if I've volunteered to babysit their kids for the afternoon for them. I invite kids and their parents drop them off at the party and leave. That does leave me a lil irritated. Being the hostess of the party (and also a mom of 4 of my own kids) I have plenty of responsibilites going on. Cutting cake, serving guests, refilling punch, opening gifts, etc. I feel that parents should know that they are to stay w/their kids to help them and discipline if necessary. There are always those kids who do not behave and I have to end up disciplining them. That is something I'd rather not do. I am also uncomfortable w/helping other kids tend to their bathroom needs. These are kids that I like tremendously BUT..... They leave their trash in my yard. They expect me to pluck beans out of my chili b/c they "hate beans". They ask me to leave their cake serving half eaten to wrap up for them to bring home. icon_surprised.gif I'd be appalled if my kids acted this way at someone's home/event. But I'd never leave my kids unattended at a party either. Her bday theme was Mardi Gras so I bought chickens for them to chase, played Mardi Gras Cajun music, did face painting, and had a fun jump. Despite all this entertainment, there's still those kids that will go into the toy boxes and take out every toy and then leave w/them scattered in my yard, car port, and house. I know that it is understood being the hostess that I will supervise. I have many many other obligations going on at the same time. I can't possibly watch every kid every second. My neighbor, who I love dearly, (always leaves her kids) also invites her nephew to stay. Her kids which are 6 & 4 are too young to stay by themselves IMO now includes another 4 yr. old for me to watch. The extra 4 yr. old broke 3 of my DS's toys. icon_mad.gif Besides it being just plain, ole good manners to supervise & discipline your kids, I like parents to attend also. My kids parties give me a chance to not only meet their friends but also their parents. My DS had his 5th bday party in Sept. Parents were dropping their 5 yr. olds off at my driveway. Ppl who had never met me. I had my pool open at the time b/c it was a pool party. I walk in the back yard and I see little kids out there. Does that spell dangerous to anyone? I feel in a little in the minority.

Is it customary now that parents do not need to be attending parties w/their kids? When my kids are invited to a special event celebrating someone's milestones in life, I feel flattered and honored that they thought of my kids. I don't expect that parent to babysit my kids for the afternoon. Is it 'understood' nowadays that bday parties are nothing more than an afternoon free babysitter? I think in the future I'm going to include the parents name on the invitation like "Grant & Mom are invited to blah, blah, blah...." or "To: Suzy and Ms. Louise".
I dont mind if the parent leaves for a lil while to p/u another child or something and okays it w/me first. But I have been accused frequently of being an overprotective parent. Maybe these parents dont see a need to attend their kids going places. Seems crazy to me but maybe times have changed. I understand going w/the flow. I cant see myself dropping my kids off and leaving. I would think 8ish would be a reasonable age where they could tend to themselves but I wouldn't do it w/my own.

49 replies
chutzpah Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 10:36pm
post #2 of 50

Why do you accept this? Why haven't you said anything to these (so-called) parents?

krysoco Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 10:52pm
post #3 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by chutzpah

Why do you accept this? Why haven't you said anything to these (so-called) parents?




Okay whats your advice? What should I say that wont cause confrontations??? Tell me, tell me already.
For the next pool party I have I was thinking of something like "For safety purposes, you need to attend w/your child". Hows that?

I dont want hard feelings between any of us. But I am at the point where I need to do something. I dont want anyone getting hurt or having my house bashed.

chutzpah Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 10:56pm
post #4 of 50

Yup... do that. Write in your invites that you cannot guarantee the safety of their kids and then if a child attends the party at least one parent needs to be present.

summernoelle Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 12:23am
post #5 of 50

This is one of my favorite subjects. I think it depends on the age, and location. If the kids are 10ish, and having a party at some place where they will be entertained and busy, then sure, drop them off.
If it is at a home, they should stay.

Just dropping off 3 yr olds is insane, and very very rude.

My neighbor has a real brat of a daughter who is demanding like that. I'm not friends with her anymore because I couldn't deal with how her daughter behaved and was never disciplined. We had them over for pizza one night, and she insisted I get up and make her a grilled cheese. Um, Excuse Me? No, you eat what we eat, or you go hungry.

You can be hospitable without being a doormat. You may want to think about making a note on the invite that all parents are required to stay at the party, since you can't supervise them all and be the hostess. Or when the parents say "OK, we'll see you later" make it clear they can't leave the kid there. Who in the world would think that was OK?!?

punkinpie Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 12:44am
post #6 of 50

Some parents my not realize they are welcome (and wanted) to stay.

Here parents do not usually stay unless specifically asked. Usually the host of the party arranges for extra help or asks a few parents if they can help out.

Often it's you help with my party I'll help with yours.

CakesByJen2 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 12:50am
post #7 of 50

No, that is not typical. Three-year olds are way to young to be just dropped off at a party!! My son has had parties for his 4th & 5th b'days, and all the parents stayed with the kids, and either I or my husband has gone with him to every party he has gone to, with the exception of one Halloween party that was at a very close friends house, with just a few kids attending who all knew each other, and his 13 yo sister was going as well. There were only about four 6-7 year olds, then about six 12-13 year olds, and each group had their own room to hang out in. We knew we did not need to be there and that there would be no problems with that group of kids, and the mom and I are good friends with very similar values. I just can't believe you had that many people leaving 3-year olds! Very rude to you, and irresponsible parenting.

hilly Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 1:03am
post #8 of 50

I have a feeling if I had guests just drop their 3 year olds off at my kids parties, they're names would get dropped from our next invite list icon_confused.gif . Seriously, a 10 year old, sure I can understand, what 10 year old wants their mommy around. But a 3 year old who can't why his/her own butt? Wow.

krysoco Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 3:20am
post #9 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by punkinpie

Some parents my not realize they are welcome (and wanted) to stay.

Here parents do not usually stay unless specifically asked. Usually the host of the party arranges for extra help or asks a few parents if they can help out.

Often it's you help with my party I'll help with yours.




Yeah I was kind of wondering about this. Maybe this is the case. I'm thinking next time I'll say something like "You're staying, right?" to the parent.

Deb_ Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 4:12am
post #10 of 50

Ya know krysoco, I think you may be right, times have changed. There was another thread in the last couple of days about "am I being an over protective parent?"

There are some people that are over protective, however there are also the extreme opposite, like the ones you dealt with this weekend. They'd do just about anything to get rid of their kid for a few hours. Who in their right mind would drop a 3 yr old child off at someone's house and drive away? That's dangerous and scary at the same time.

My kids are grown now, but when they were young and we had a party, I would invite 2 or 3 teenagers from my neighborhood to help me and my DH. Honestly, I didn't want the kids parents to stay, because then I would have to entertain them and not the kids.

Do you have any teens in your neighborhood that may be willing to help? Or, maybe nieces or nephews? It's also a great opportunity to get to know some potential sitters.

I think that would be a better option, then having to play host to a bunch of parents and their kids.

adven68 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 4:44am
post #11 of 50

Defiitely mention the pool next time. "please join the fun with your child. We will have the pool open and need each child to be supervised by an adult."
who can confront you when you are just thinking of the safety of their children?

dailey Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:10am
post #12 of 50

if my 5yo is invited to a party, i *want* to stay so i always mention it to the host to see if that is okay. could it be these parents don't realize they are invited? maybe they feel uncomfortable asking. i would definitely mention it in the invite that you would love for them to stay as well since you could really used the help with all the kids running around.

btw, sounds like a really cool party you had!

krysoco Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 4:52pm
post #13 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly27


There are some people that are over protective, however there are also the extreme opposite, like the ones you dealt with this weekend. They'd do just about anything to get rid of their kid for a few hours.




While I would really like to think the parents just didn't feel welcome, I really think they thought I was their babysitter for the afternoon. No one knows more than me how hard it is to find a babysitter.

There were a couple of kids that drove me crazy while they coughed and sneezed on my cake. I asked them several times to turn their face away from the cake. Arghhh!. I dont want ppl thinking it was my baking that made them sick. Another one threw down all the spoons then picked them up w/her dirty hands. They're parents need to be there to watch them til at least 8 yr. old IMO.

How do you post pics in a thread? I've tried using the "Add Attachment" button at the bottom. It was a pretty cool party.

Deb_ Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:24pm
post #14 of 50

To post a pic save the pic to your computer, click on add an attachment and click the browse button, your files should show up, just click on the one you want to post and hit open. The url should show up in the add an attachment box, you can preview to be sure. If you want to add another just repeat the steps above.

Did you have real chickens? I just reread your original post and thought how did I miss that?

UGGHHHH sneezing and coughing without covering your mouth kills me. I have adult clients that do that to me at the salon while I'm washing their hair. They cough right in my face or sneeze into the shampoo cape! Obviously these people were not taught any manners as children.

michellenj Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 7:16pm
post #15 of 50

If I don't want to entertain the parents (or have to pay for them or extra tagalong siblings) I write on the invitaion that the parents should drop 'em and go. My neighbors have a pool and on their parties they always put on their invitaions that if their children are not strong swimmers they should have a good life vest with them and at least one parent is required to stay and help supervise. I'm always relieved to have things spelled out on the invitation.

indydebi Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 12:19am
post #16 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by punkinpie

Some parents my not realize they are welcome (and wanted) to stay.



Agree. My kids are 30, 24, and 16, so I have quite a few years worth of experience with kids birthday parties. Never, ever, would I assume I was to stay at the party with my child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkinpie

Here parents do not usually stay unless specifically asked.


Do you spell it out on the invitation or do you assume they "just know" they are "suppose to" stay and "babysit" their kids? I would consider it very rude for a parent to stay at a party I was throwing unless I had specifically invited them also.

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkinpie

Usually the host of the party arranges for extra help or asks a few parents if they can help out. Often it's you help with my party I'll help with yours.


If I was inviting more kids than I thought I could handle, I'd recruit some folks to help out in advance to make sure I had the extra hands I needed. I would never presume that 30 parents of 30 invited kids are going to stay.

stephaniescakenj Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 2:42am
post #17 of 50

My kids are still pretty young but I have attended every single party my 5 yr old was invited to. I would never leave her alone at a party unless I knew the parent well and it was only a few kids and it was discussed prior to the party. My daughter went to a rollerskating party back in November with about 30 kids. Very few children knew how to skate so all the parents were helping their children out on the rink. One child was left alone, with no warning to any parent at all. She was out in the middle crying after she had fallen and no one could find her parents, none of us even knew her name, the kids had to tell us. We were all appalled they had just left her there. One of the mothers rented her a pair of toddler skates and we all chipped in to help her out to learn how to skate since she was terrified to go back out on the rink. I would never ever dream of leaving my child alone at a birthday party and I would make it clear going forward that the parents are invited, it could be confusion as to who is invited but it sounds more like laziness. The only thing that really irritates me is when we all stand around for 3 hours while our kids are attending a party and the host has no drinks or anything for the parents. When I throw a party for my girls, I make sure there's food, cake and drinks for everyone. after all, they are taking precious time out of their day to attend my children's parties and get them presents. It's the least I can do.
Going forward, make it clear a parent is required!!!! all you need is one child to get injured and you'll be in a world of trouble.

SassyBees2 Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 2:55pm
post #18 of 50

I will not let my child attend a party alone if I do not know the parents. Seeing how she just turned four and I go to all the parties now, it isn't a problem yet icon_biggrin.gif lol...I think you have a right to be irritated. Putting a disclaimer on your invites seems to be the way to go. I would be very worried about so many small kids in a pool with just a couple of adults. The lack of responsibility on the parents part in your post is really frustrating. Why in the world would you let your small child be with a group of people you don't know and to drop them them off in the driveway? In my mind, I play "worst case scenario" and have a panic attack.

Stand up for yourself and tell the parents, no supervision, no party.

indydebi Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 7:57pm
post #19 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by stephaniescakenj

The only thing that really irritates me is when we all stand around for 3 hours while our kids are attending a party and the host has no drinks or anything for the parents.



Maybe the host didn't plan for the parents to stay? icon_confused.gif However, if it was a "parents invited" thing, then I probably would be irritated also.

krysoco Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 7:59pm
post #20 of 50

I don't even know how I forgot to mention this either. One 4 yr. old that attended the party fell asleep in my house. It was an outside party so I had no idea she was in there.

She had surgery 4 days prior to the party and was dropped off and left at my house. I saw about 1/2way thru the party she was looking like she felt bad. So I asked if she was hurting. She is very shy and didn't respond.
I talk to the mom after the party and told her that i thought her kid was either tired or hurting. That's when the older sibling chimed in that she went sleep in my house. I didn't mind her sleeping considering she had just had surgery. It's the fact that she could have been doing anything in my house or walked away down the street, who knows. I had no clue.

indydebi Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 8:04pm
post #21 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by krysoco

She had surgery 4 days prior to the party and was dropped off and left at my house.


Oh now THAT is just freakin' ridiculous and pi$$es me off to think a mom would drop off a 4 year old who just had surgery!!!! icon_mad.gif Chutz, where are you?!! We got a b*tch-slappin' assignment, here!

krysoco Posted 10 Feb 2009 , 8:11pm
post #22 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by krysoco

She had surgery 4 days prior to the party and was dropped off and left at my house.

Oh now THAT is just freakin' ridiculous and pi$$es me off to think a mom would drop off a 4 year old who just had surgery!!!! icon_mad.gif Chutz, where are you?!! We got a b*tch-slappin' assignment, here!





The 4 yo had tubes in ears, adnoids scraped, and tonsils removed in one operation 4 days prior to the party.

When the mom told me that she was coming, I looked at her a lil weird. The mom's reply to me was "it's nothing nowadays, its all done by laser" icon_eek.gif .

stephaniescakenj Posted 11 Feb 2009 , 3:53am
post #23 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by stephaniescakenj

The only thing that really irritates me is when we all stand around for 3 hours while our kids are attending a party and the host has no drinks or anything for the parents.


Maybe the host didn't plan for the parents to stay? icon_confused.gif However, if it was a "parents invited" thing, then I probably would be irritated also.





Well for every party so far, all the parents have stayed with few exceptions and appropriate arrangements were usually made. For the party I had mentioned above, we were required to stay since it was held at a gymnastics place and they wanted the parents there in case a kid got hurt. Not to mention it was 45 mins from all of our houses so it's not likely we would drive all the way home just to get back in the car a little while later and drive all the way back.

I can't believe that mother wasn't more concerned for her child after just having surgery?!? I may not have kept them home from the party if they were ok but I certainly would have stayed to keep an eye on her just in case! You definitely need to start speaking up! That's just ridiculous!

costumeczar Posted 11 Feb 2009 , 4:25pm
post #24 of 50

Yeah, it sounds like these people need to have it spelled out for them. Don't assume that someone who would drop her post-op child off will understand what you expect from her!

chutzpah Posted 11 Feb 2009 , 4:33pm
post #25 of 50

I'm here, missy, just stunned a little....

ceshell Posted 12 Feb 2009 , 12:55am
post #26 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by dailey

could it be these parents don't realize they are invited? maybe they feel uncomfortable asking.



That, and what indydebi said. Or stephaniescakesnj: "Going forward, make it clear a parent is required"

To me it seems obvious that a parent would stay at a bd party for kids that young (and especially a POOL party, are you kidding me???? Or with a post-op kid???!!), but judging by the mixed response here, that is not necessarily the custom everywhere. Now that you know what people are going to do, "spell it out" and there won't be any hurt feelings for anyone. (I can't imagine that a parent would be insulted that they are asked to stay at the party, but please do this in advance, in conjunction with the invitation, don't just spring it on 'em the day of the party just to prove a point.)

I still recall a thread from many months ago about siblings attending parties without their names having appeared on the invitation, and people were mortified that a parent might bring, say, their 2 year old along if the party was for 4 year old kids and the 2 year old's name didn't appear on the wedding invitation. Oops I mean birthday invitation...(that was intentional; I hadn't realize hand-scrawled Elmo birthday invites were subject to the same etiquette scrutiny as invites to $100-a-head weddings). The point being NOT to open up THAT debate again icon_rolleyes.gif but just to remind everyone: Not everyone knows what "the rules" are for kids' parties, so for goodness sake, TELL them!

So, further to my point about the sibling issue, if the parent's name is not on the invitation, they might think they are not supposed to come. There is no end to the possible confusion if you have a set of rules in mind that others aren't aware of. Like, is only ONE parent allowed to come? If both decide to stay and chaperone, is THAT going to make the hostess go nuts...in which case the invite should be addressed to "Little Janey and Parent" and then inside it should say "Please let me know which parent will be staying with the child so that I can provide refreshments for the adults too," or something to that effect. I just received an invite for my 4-yo DD for her to-be-5-yo friend's bd party at a kids' tea house. My name is not on the invitation. Am I supposed to go or not? (I plan to go...but some here would argue that perhaps I am not invited.)

Meanwhile I mean the reality is, in your case it seems clear that the standard has been set for you to be the neighborhood babysitter at parties; didn't you say you have allowed them to do that before? Why would they think this party would be any different? I am still floored that they WOULD do this so I am not excusing the behavior! Setting them straight doesn't have to be combative. Just put it in the next invite.

Anyway your party sounds like it was a major headache, kudos to you for surviving it! thumbs_up.gif

summernoelle Posted 12 Feb 2009 , 1:38am
post #27 of 50

krysco-that is borderline needing to call social services. Wow! My babies would still be at home, nursing milk shakes and watching movies. Not abandoned, unsupervised, in a room full of kids where their vulnerable immune systems could get sick.
Seriously, what is wrong with people?

Rose_N_Crantz Posted 13 Feb 2009 , 3:18am
post #28 of 50

It really seems to me that times are changing, but for the worse. I still can't believe the mother of the girl that had surgery reacted the way she did "it's ok, they use lasers now." Surgery is surgery! Especially for a child!

I just get a little frustrated with the American mentality of "go go go, get more done, get more done faster, make more money, more money is always good". My mother in law talks about how she can remember how everything store in town (yes, even gas stations) closed on Sundays. "that's just the way it was. if you needed gas, you were sure to get it on saturday" What happened to change that? I really don't get it. It seems to me like that is the root of this issue. "Oh good, little Suzie has a bday party to go to, now we can just drop her off and get our errands done without her slowing us down." "Oh, the surgery is done with lasers? Good, now she won't miss out on any school/playtime/etc."

All I can say is that when I start having kids, they are going to be number one and I will always have time for them and to do things as a family.

indydebi Posted 13 Feb 2009 , 3:28am
post #29 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_N_Crantz

My mother in law talks about how she can remember how everything store in town (yes, even gas stations) closed on Sundays.



It was because of what was called The Blue Laws (don't ask me why they were called that) but pretty much it was the law that everything had to close on Sunday. There would be one drugstore open in case anyone needed medicine, and they were open on a rotating basis. Our newspaper would print which one was open that week.

Banks closed at 3:00 and there were no ATM machines, so you had to plan ahead for the cash you were going to need on the weekend AND remember to get enough cash to send with the kids on Monday for their lunch money.

I remember as a kid there was ONE grocery in the entire county that was open 24 hours.

krysoco Posted 18 Feb 2009 , 8:49pm
post #30 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_N_Crantz

It really seems to me that times are changing, but for the worse.

I just get a little frustrated with the American mentality of "go go go, get more done, get more done faster, make more money, more money is always good". My mother in law talks about how she can remember how everything store in town (yes, even gas stations) closed on Sundays.

All I can say is that when I start having kids, they are going to be number one and I will always have time for them and to do things as a family.




Most days are crazy. It's really hard to stop sometimes and smell the roses. Life is really, really hectic. I agree some things are really just overkill. Ppl seem to just have gone overboard w/things. Really I think most ppl in general need to make more money so they can spend it. I'm not talking about the poor who barely make enough to eat. I wish things would go back to simpler times. The good ole days seem so long ago. What I wished for in my pre-baby days are a far cry from what's actually happening everyday w/my 4 kiddos.

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%