There's less than a month until school starts up again and right now I couldn't be happier about it.
My 6 year old has a way of picking on her little sister (who's turning 3 this month) when nobody's looking. She's sweet as can be in front of us, but then does terrible things and lies about them. She actually used to chase her little sister out of their bedroom, leaving Sophie to wander around crying in the night while we got irritated that she was keeping us all awake. It started right after Sophie moved from the crib to toddler bed. If I hadn't caught Valerie one night pinching her sister and telling her, "You have to get up and get out," I wouldn't have known she was doing it. After that, we moved Sophia into our bedroom and she sleeps great now.
There have been other episodes of meanness. Tonight there was a big one. My husband told Valerie she had to clean her room and she couldn't come out until it was done. Sophie always wants to do whatever her sister's doing so she was in there too. I was standing at the stove making tortillas and I looked over and saw Sophie smeared with poo, holding her dirty pants. I asked her what happened (she's been pottytrained since November) and she said Valerie wouldn't let her go to the bathroom. It took a while to get the whole story out of Valerie (Sophie was too upset to make sense) but apparently Sophie told Valerie that she had to go poop, and Valerie shut her in the closet and said she couldn't come out until she had lined up all of Valerie's shoes. Then Valerie came out to the living room and sat next to her daddy and said she was taking a break...leaving her little sister to poop her pants in the dark closet because she's too little to open the sliding closet doors.
I would say that Valerie was just too immature to know what she was doing wrong, except that she always lies about it, so she must know it's wrong.
Her daddy spanked her, and I told her she was grounded to her bedroom for the next three days, and I took the TV and computer out. I just don't know what else to do with her. I don't know why she's so mean. She started all this before she ever went to school, so I can't even pretend she learned to be a bully at school.
Is the little sister the only one who gets picked on by your older daughter or is she a problem at school?
If the girls share a room you've messed up by grounding the oldest to her room. She's getting something she wants, the room to herself. I know because I was an older sister who didn't like sharing my room with a sister 3 years younger, not that being mean would have fixed my problem. I'd say that you never should have taken the younger girl out of the room overnight, the older one should be the one to loose the rights to the bedroom if she can't behave.
At 6 your daughter should know it's wrong to hit/pinch, etc other children, alot of kids much younger know that, and lying about something is a very good sign that they know what they did was wrong.
If you can afford it maybe try to get her in to see someone, not to be medicated but to find out if something is wrong and to help you deal with it.
I totally agree, let the older daughter sleep with you, and the youngest one keeps the room. I would probably strip all privledges until she behaves, and she can earn them back one by one. For every day that she is good ALL DAY, she gets one thing back... I don't stand for my oldest ever picking on my middle one, but I know I take that to extremes sometimes... (I was the little sister, and my parents didn't do JACK when she was mean to me... She dropped a hot iron on my foot, would walk up and punch me in the stomach.. blah blah blah) I totally think you need to watch her at all times until you get the point across... Obviously she can't be trusted alone with her sister and you need to tell her that...
(not trying to sound harsh here, sorry if I did)
I would take practically everything away from her, except for like crayons and a coloring book and a doll, and every time she says she is bored or whatever, I'd give her a lecture about people who do bad things to their sisters don't get to have nice things. My dd is 5 1/2 and that is what works for her, especially when she sees her litttle brother playing with her stuff.
The reason that we put our younger daughter in our room rather than the older one is that we could fit a toddler bed in our room, but not a twin bed, and also we've had someone break in, and also another attempt (that time they cracked the doorframe and it was while we were home) and our older one has been taught to hide if she wakes up to strange noises, but our younger one is too small...so this way if anyone breaks in again I can hide Sophia in her closet while I deal with things.
I'm going to preface anything I say by saying that I am not a parent.
But I'm wondering if times have changed a lot from when I was a child, because I was 13 before I had a TV in my room, and 16 before I had a computer to myself. Does your 6-year old tend to get her way, and get what she wants when she wants it?
It really sounds as if she's acting out because she's just used to getting her way, and maybe she's jealous?
Again, I'm not a parent, I have no degrees, but it does seem a bit off that she's THAT horrible to her baby sister!
Your older daughter seems to be very angry or frustrated and can not explain what she is feeling. I think that all older sisters are at one time or another mean to their sister, maybe because my older sister loved to tell me things like I was adopted and my parents were going to send me to an orphanage, and when we played house with our friends I always had to be the pet dog, not the mom or kid, name calling and occasional pinching and slapping, while shouting "you started it! I'm telling mommy!"
What you are describing seems to be up a notch from the average sister squabble. Since your DD will be going to school soon, I think you should consult the guidance counselor there to find some resources for you family situation. I think you need advice from a specialist rather than the friendly advice given by your friends on a cake decorating board. It has been my experience for 30+ years in education that families that find good guidance from a specialist early on find great results and create happy families.
My good wishes and hopes go out to you all.
My older sister was mean to me as well, telling me that I was an accident and not wanted. This seems to be more then that. I agree that if she lies about it then she knows it is wrong. She might feel the younger one is getting to much attention or now she is not getting enough. Getting into trouble is still attention.