I'll try to condense this.

15 yr old DD. I snoop occasionally, to keep an eye on her (I have had reason to do this...it was not something I just started). Last night I found a water bottle full of vodka in her drawer, and a condom. Also some notes to friends indicating she likes to "mess around".

She is extremely bright, identified as gifted but struggled to pass classes last year. Also early last year finally diagnosed ADD and put on medication (which I monitor) which really seemed to help her.

She's had horrible PMS (where she literally curls up in a ball due to the pain) and also acne (also on medication)...doc recommended birth control pill to deal with PMS. Started 3 months ago and we've been suppressing periods and it has REALLY helped.

She had the gumption to get a job this year as a lifeguard, and is very proud of that. She has played soccer since she was 5 and loves it, but recently quit the competitive soccer team b/c it was just "too much". It is alot, I understand that.

The booze really bothers me. I was a "good girl" and I drank-I know most kids do. BUT...this is coming on the heels of watching my sister go through 3 years of recovery...she almost died several times of alcohol overdose, and she had several seizures in front of my family. So my teen KNOWS the dangers.

Also...I am worried about the sex because I just want so much for her. I am not super religious...I don't think she will go to hell or anything, but I just want her first experience to be with someone who cherishes her and will give her moonlight and roses. Not some horny 17 year old. Did I mention that she has a 17 yr old boyfriend who is nice enough, but kind of a smart a$$ and with a drinking/pot reputation?

I don't know how to open the conversation. Please help me.

Sending my response via PM.

Theresa

Kids usually think they're invincible. She might not make any connection between her drinking and her aunt's health problems, because she would think she had the self-control to stop before it got to that point. It might be worth pointing out to her that a tendency toward alcoholism can be hereditary. The drinking might also have to do with her medicine for ADD, might give her a calm feeling that she's missing. The fact that she brought it home and hid it is kind of odd...most teenagers will just get the booze and drink it until it's all gone and then try to hide out from the parents until they sober up. Then the next time they want to drink they'll start looking for more. So either she hid it because she didn't want to drink it but it was too hard to get to just throw it out, or she's planning on drinking it regularly.


All I can really say about the birth control pills and the condom is, she's planning to be safe when she has sex, if she hasn't already started. It's not really possible to keep a teen from having sex if they want to...all you can really do as a parent is explain the precautions they need to take and hope they listen.

I think if I found that stuff hidden in my daughter's room, I would probably confiscate the booze and replace the single condom with a whole box of condoms and then wait a few days for the actual discussion...let her panic in the meantime.

Oh, I feel for you! I have a 14 year old son and 3 young daughters so I will be pulling my hair out all too soon. Since I have not been there, I unfortunately have nothing credible to offer except for what I did when I was a kid.

I started drinking when I was 14 and was smuggling vodka to school in water bottles and things....this drinking thing, when it starts young like that, it's no good. I never got caught but maybe if I had, I would have had a better understanding of all the trouble booze can get you in. My family is lousy with alcoholics on both sides so that doesn't help either. I think that needs to be dealt with harshly (IMHO, of course).

As for the sex, yikes.....that's a tough one. When you push kids one way, they go the other so I am at a loss. Obviously glad there is protection (for her body) but nothing for her soul....or her heart. I think as parents you can come down like gangbusters and scare the heck out of them and they'll do what you say - that's what my parents did. I was good because Momma would have kicked my butt.

On the other hand, some kids will rebel regardless. I would sit down and confront her calmly but firmly with all of it. Maybe she will crack and let you know what's going on...maybe she is getting alot of pressure or really doesn't want to do any of it but is trying to 'fit-in'.

I'll be thinking of you

I think I would impose some serious limits on what she can do/where she can go for awhile.... my gravy I wasnt perfect as a teen, but heck there are public service commercials on TV that say you are 5 times more likely to have alcoholic tendencies if you start drinking before age 15!!!

As for the sex, I suppose she SHOULD get plus points for safe sex, but still oh my gosh 15!!!! I know this is probably the norm now, but I am not yet 30 and I waited until I was 21 (though it wasnt an age thing for me, I truly wanted to wait until I knew i was in love, not just infatuation)...... Does she need to talk to my sister who got pregnant at 18, while we all adore my niece, there is NO question how it altered the road my sister may have taken.

My kids are all still little bitty, but I think I would have to have a talk about what my expectations are.....its not about being perfect, its about not screwing up the rest of your life with fleeting moments of fun. Just by getting drunk, your daughter could open herself up to being raped, her judgement could be clouded and she could get in a car with another drunk teen, etc etc...... I am very thankful that my teenage drinking experimentation (though I was around 17 at the time) never had negative consequences, I stayed at a friends house, never got in a car, and thankfully was never taken advantage of...... I have since met friends that were not so lucky in their youth.

sorry to hear about what you are going through with your teen.

i don't have any kids of my own, but i certainly can tell you what i have learnt.

tip #1 - you have to confront her of course. my mum snooped around in my stuff too and totally hit the roof when she found my diary. you have to let her know that her behaviour (i.e. drinking) is unacceptable. throw a hissy fit!!!

tip #2 - be a nag! nag her til the cows come home. as a teenager, there is nothing worse than a nagging parent, but i ended up thanking my mum for sticking to my butt like glue after hearing and seeing what my other friends ended up enduring (teenage pregnancy, moving out too early, etc.). even though teenagers pretend that they can't hear what you are saying...trust me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with their ears, they can hear you loud and clear...and your words do stick!!

tip #3 - pray alot! i believe that this was probably the only tactic that my mother used that worked. i honestly don't know how i survived the teenage years relatively unscathed except for God's grace. trust me, when i see an ex-boyfriend that i swore was "da bomb" on the streets and then i look at myself, i scream "Praise the Lord!!". it makes my skin cringe just thinking about the "maybe's" with them.

i am not sure what you can do about the sex thing. unfortunately, i too started early but if i knew then what i know now...i would have waited.

Too bad to hear this. By the time I was 17 I was drinking almost a case of beer a day. I went in the Army at 18. I had horrific DTs. Believe me you don't want your daughter to go through this.

My advice for what it's worth. Get rid of the BF. Who cares if she gets mad. Her being POd is a million times better than what she is facing.

OR you could take her to some homeless shelters. Make a cake, and donate it. It will give you a reason to go. This way you could point out how drinking could affect someone.

Good luck,

Mike

mike what a wonderful idea about the homeles shelter. I too started young, way to young, id say how young but i dont want anyone to pass out. I was good in school and my parents were pretty strict compared to friends, my dads a police officer. I agree with ditching the BF, mikes right let him get mad, chances are theyll break up soon anyway, not everyone gets to marry their 1st. I got pregnant at 17 and while it was hard it worked out for me, im a teen pregnancy success story, but thats not the norm with teen pregnancy, my life wouldve been way different, i had a baby the middle of my senior year, but b/c of the support my mom and big sis gave me i was able to graduate, and actually had scholarships, defiantly not the norm, i didt go to college though. i got married and my husband is very successflu and im able to stay at home with my kids (yes i have 2 now) we just bought a brand new home(im only 21) but most of that is b/c of my husband and my trustfund, defiantely not the norm. As a teen i was more afraid of getting "knocked up" than getting STD's, i would recommend dumping the vodka, filling the bottle with water, getting her a whole box of condumn, and giving her some printed material off the internet about statistics, i think 1 in 5 ppl has herpes, that wouldve terrified me, also include photos of the affects of STDs , warts, blister, even the lesions you get from AIDS, b/c the way things are now getting pregnant would be better than these things, BTW i did not marry my DD's father,we had been "friends" for 2 yrs before i got pregnant, he ditched me as soon as he got the news(thank GOD), i met my husband when our DD was 2mths, he's the only daddy shes ever known. Get rid of the BF, and Good Luck, this is tough, i remember very clearly how strong willed and stubborn i was, if i can help at all please let me know, Good Luck and get rid of the BF

Mike, my sister is just about a year out of recovery. My DD has seen her with DTs, not showered for a week, has seen her with seizures (did I mention the first one was in the middle of my youngest child's 1st birthday party? The party ended with the paramedics invading our home and taking her our on a strecher).

The talk went really, really well. I started off by saying, "Your little sister brought me a water bottle from your room that wasn't really water. What can you tell me about it?". She told me a friend had given it to her (I suspect I know which one, and it's not the BF) and she wasn't sure if she wanted to try it (translation, she probably already had...LOL). We talked about drinking, the responsibility that goes with it, the LAW and how much she stood to lose if she got caught, how much danger she was subjecting herself to in terms of date rape, etc. I also stressed that if she was drinking in a group, the friends are in danger, too. I think that the boys are so much at risk too...if they commit date rape they will have to live with that forever, also! Basically it is an unfair situation to put anyone in. I also told her that I didn't expect for her to be perfect, but I did expect the majority of her decisions to be good ones.

As far as the sex...she says she hasn't but wants to be prepared. She was very knowledgeable about how to protect her body...but as stated above, I told her it was her heart I was worried most about. And that I wanted it to be magical for her, and I wanted her to wake up feeling loved and cherished, and not like a piece of a$$. I stressed the importance of self-respect, and that if she didn't respect herself no one would, and that would lead to her feeling like she was a piece of dirt and not the gift that she is.

I really, really hope she waits, but all I can do is be here and love her and cross my fingers. And check up on her, of course. I'm not stupid

I am really glad she was away for the night when I found this stuff. It gave me a chance to calm down, and I am so glad I talked to her when I was calm b/c she did not once raise her voice. She listened and gave me good feedback.

Her father (DH) was against punishment, more in favor of a good talk, so she is not being punished at this time. She is well aware that if there is a next time the consequences will be dire and swift!

Thanks, everyone!

Good glad you talked. That is the best way. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't feel like your invading if you ask. Let her know you care, and your concerned.

I was a single Dad when my daughter was 13. I told her I had done everything she going to be faced with. If she did any of it I would know. She's almost 22 now. She thinks Dad is a bit of a goof, but we still are able to talk. Mostly about her Mother, BUT that's another story. LOLOL

Very cool,

Mike

I know what you're going through. I'll say a prayer tonight.

I found out my daughter had sex a few weeks before she turned 14. The first thing I did was make her an appointment with a gyno for a total exam and tests for STD's. She pitched a crying fit, saying she was too embarrassed, but I drug her there, sobbing all the way. I told her that if she was old enough to let a boy into her body she was sure as SH*T old enough to go to the Dr. to protect herself and find out if she was already diseased.

It was very eye opening for both of us, needless to say. We had a lot of conversations from that point on, some very uncomfortable. It took me a long time to trust her again, and she knew it.

Hang tough...you're her mom and not her friend.

When I was in one of my psychology classes, our instructor showed us a contract that she had made for her daughter. She sat down with her daughter and talked to her and then they both signed it. I can't remember everything on it, but here's what I remember...

I WILL NOT HAVE SEX/ORAL SEX UNTIL

I have my own bank account with my own money with not less then $500
I have a steady job
I accept the risk of genital warts, AIDS, gonorhea, (and any other disease you can think of)
I have and am willing to use protection
I accept that I may become pregnant, including a small risk when using a condom
I have a legal drivers liscense, with insurance that I pay for
I am confident that the person I am having sex with is worthy of my body
I am sober and fully aware of the choice that I am making

I can't remember any more, but anyone could make one up to fit their own needs and values.

you did good mama. my heart dropped when i read your post. i was a lot like you were as a kid. i see now that i was still a kid when i married at 22. -gee, i felt grown up

i was at the dr. for my annual check up and saw a girl in the lobby who looked very familiar. she looked very young, braces, giggly, and very pregnant. she was with her mother who didn't look 40. so when i heard the nurse call her name to go in i reconized her as a former student of mine. i had her as a 5th grader. 2 years ago. she is 13 and pregnant with twins. this kid was hearing impared and no one in her family could/would sign. so obviously no one had spoken with her about sex, or getting her heart broken let alone giving birth to and raising twins.

so like i said, you did good.

also, i like what that contract says.

OMG imagine76, that is awful!

I, too, like the contract!

i too like the contract, ill have to rememeber that so in a least 20yrs when my girls become interested in sex i can make them sign it. imagine76 that is terrible, how awful for that young girl. Lisa im glad it worked out, and you and your daughter were able to have a resonable talk with each other, it sounds like you guys are close.

I did have to sign a contract with my parents, but not about sex (it was assumed there would be none of that--we knew we would get our butts beat)...... but my contract was about drinking, one of my dad's friends son's got into his car with his 3 drunk buddies (all 4 of them did this regularly switching who the driver was) and got into a wreck, killing his 3 best friends (not a scratch on the driver).......he was sentenced to 2 years in jail because the parents of the other kids knew full well it could have been their child who was the driver (these were childhood buddies), anyway while in jail he was under suicide watch ...you get the picture......so when I became of driving age i had to sign a contract basically stating that
1) I would NEVER drive under the influence (even if I didnt think i'd had enough to be drunk) and if I sure as heck better never have anyone in the car with me if I decided to break rule number 1
2) I would NEVER get into a car with someone who had been drinking

I was to call home if I needed a ride, no matter when or where I was...... if I called home and did the responsible thing, the trade off was that I would not get into trouble. (or at least big trouble, I have a feeling I would have been made to feel pretty guilty of having disappointed my folks, by getting myself in a mess to begin with).

Anyway I signed the paper, both my parents signed the paper and it was in my glove compartment.... and having experienced the above story and having seen the pain it caused, you can bet I thought twice before doing some really stupid stuff.

I am hopeful that by the time my kids are of age (they are 3 yrs and 5 weeks old) that cars will all be outfitted (or will be able to be outfitted) with boxes that parents can monitor, how fast the kid is driving, how much slamming on the breaks they did, where they are etc..... and I hope to keep their rear ends busy enough that they dont have the time for trouble!

Melanie, I was also given the same deal...if I called home instead of getting in the car with a drunk driver (or driving drunk myself), I would not get in trouble. I used this offer once. And true to her word, I did not get into trouble. She even covered for my (then) boyfriend (now my DH). We never pulled that again.

My husband and I had a teen girl last year as a foster daughter. We knew what to expect to some degree but you can never prepare for those talks ect. She told me about 5 months after she got here that she lost her virginity when she was 1. The guy was 19 she said. Her Myspace site was full of provocotive pics ect that NOONE had ever monitered. We talked like crazy. We tried to make her see what she was worth and what she should expect from others (respect) as well as give others ect. Her Myspace account is now private. I have access (she moved out in Jan but we keep in touch) and there are NO shots that are at all suggestive. She agreed that she was too young for sex when she did it, which is something she didn't see before.
One of the biggest things we did to keep ourselves on our toes, we bought a watchdog program called 007. It records keystrokes, it records screenshot and it records every site she would go onto. We had it set up to record a screen shot every 20 seconds so we were able to skim through her computer emails and PM's. Anytime we came across plans that we didn't approve of, we made other plans preventing her from doing whatever it was, then would plan a time to have a conversation about that, not bringing up what we knew, just a casual conversation that steered towards whatever topic we needed. It worked really well and even after she left she nevr knew how much we knew. We also never talked about her private details with anyone. It IS an invasion of privacy but I do believe in some cases, its warrented.
BTW, I found a water bottle under her bed with cough syrup residue in it, and a noxema bottle with bubble wrap that was full of MY sleeping pills. It is amazing what can go on right under your nose without you knowing about it. Be careful.

Wow...tough stuff.

Hands down, the boyfriend would be gone! Knowing his history like you do, that's a no-brainer.

I really have a hard time with the debate of "well, all teens have sex so just make sure they are safe." I know at 15...I was afraid my parents would KILL me if I had sex...LOL....I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16 minimum.

If my parents had said they didn't want me to have sex but here's some condoms just in case....that would have been total permission in my eyes. It's kinda like them saying...."I know you are only 12 and you aren't supposed to drive a car, but just in case you do...the keys are on the counter and be sure to buckle up."

When I coached high school girls volleyball and saw one of the girls (who was 15 at the time) smoking at a football game, I suspended her for one game and a letter went home to her parents. (They were made fully aware of the consequences of drinking, drugs or smoking during the season ahead of time).

I sat down with her and gave her the example: If your friend came by to pick you up in his car and it was covered in mud and dirt and the carpets were all dirty as well, but you noticed a smudge of mud on your shoe right before you got in....would you even bother to wipe it off before getting into that car?

Now, same example except your friend comes to pick you up in a brand new shiny car and the interior was immaculate and you noticed that same smudge of mud...wouldn't you make sure you didn't track it inside the car?

That's sometimes how people see us. If you care enough and respect yourself enough, others will more than likely respect you as well. But if you don't take care of yourself and don't make good choices about your well-being...neither will anybody else.

I wish you the best. Parenthood is the toughest job around. There are definite red flags in your case...and education and communication is the best approach.

[quote="mocakes"]Wow...tough stuff.

If my parents had said they didn't want me to have sex but here's some condoms just in case....that would have been total permission in my eyes. It's kinda like them saying...."I know you are only 12 and you aren't supposed to drive a car, but just in case you do...the keys are on the counter and be sure to buckle up."
quote]

I really like the way you said this!



I am 22 no kids, not married, and a virgin. I am not at all ashamed of this. Its my choice. I am not overtly religious on this subject, this is just how I feel I want to live my life. I cannot tell you when I made the choice to save myself until i got married. I guess its just one of those things that is a combo of all your past history, personal beliefs, etc and you can never pinpoint the moment you said "this is what I believe". My heart goes out to you, I have no plans on having kids for a long time, but already I am scared about if I will be able to be a good mom. You sound like a very good mom and I wish you the best on dealing with this!

I grew up in a religious environment with religious friends and family so I never really went through this period of having teen sex and getting drunk. That being said as her mother you have a responsibility to take care of her even if she does think/know she needs it.

People often fill their lives with things like alcohol because they are looking to fill something. Combined with her struggles at school it puts her at high risk of antisocial behaviour even if she isnt there quite yet.

Apart from being really open (dont trust her friends to teach her the right thing) maybe get her involved in something that can help promote her self esteem.