Marriage Heartache

Lounge By BethLS Updated 1 Nov 2010 , 2:40am by retaunton

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BethLS Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 3:45am
post #1 of 28

Hey ladies, (occasional man too icon_wink.gif)

Ive been married for almost 5 years (anniversary in a month). After many nights of consistant fighting, leading to months, I am done. I'm done being the doormat, the dirt on his shoes. I will no longer be put down. I will no longer cater to this mans every whim. I am setting myself free, finally.

Its certainly bittersweat. This man was my highschool sweetheart. We have two children together. We used to have, what I would call, an ideal marriage. That ideal apparently was false, because I no longer interest him. I apparently "annoy" him...icon_sad.gif

I wish it wasnt so hard to move on, but know its the right thing to do. I just could use some cyber hugs right now.

Thanks for letting me vent

27 replies
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Bluehue Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 4:06am
post #2 of 28

You are too important to be anyones doormat - and as hard as your path seems at this point in time and as sad as you are - you know that *life* wasn't healthy.

For those of us who have travelled that path - its not easy - its heatbreaking when what you loved has gone.. whether it be him or the homelife you once shared.

We do survive - we do carry on and we do stand tall.
Many say, stay together for the children - i say, think of the wellbeing of you and the children - for a disruptive home is not healthy in any shape or form...and does more damage than good to all concerned.

I so wish you well as you walk your new path in life - and yes - many heartfelt ((((hugs)))) to you.

Won't bore you with my *previous life* but i will say this -
I am Women - I am strong and i never knew i could be sooooo happy
That crap is heavy luggage - and noone deserves to carry that rot around on their shoulders...

You will survive - we all do. thumbs_up.gif

Hugs petal

Bluehue. icon_smile.gif

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indydebi Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 6:48am
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Originally Posted by Bluehue

Many say, stay together for the children - i say, think of the wellbeing of you and the children - for a disruptive home is not healthy in any shape or form...and does more damage than good to all concerned.


My (now married 32 year old daughter) says often that me divorcing her bio-dad and married my current hubby was the best thing that ever happened to her.

in her words: "I shudder to think how I might have turned out .... 15, pregnant, ignorant and no-account ..... had you stayed with him. Thank God you found me a GREAT dad!"

The hardest decision we ever have to make suddenly becomes our path to really living. thumbs_up.gif

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kakeladi Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 1:18pm
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Have you *boy* tryed consouling(sp?)??
Please go to your minister or a good marriage counsler 1st. There may be issues that can be reslolved.

But then.........I should talkeicon_sad.gif After 49 1/2 yrs of marriage my DH decided he'd rather be free to follow an outragious lifestyle. It has totally knocked me on my butt. I am *not* a strong women. I HATE being alone! At my age I should be happy - not desolving in tears every day icon_sad.gif

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DefyGravity Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 3:05pm
post #5 of 28

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even though things between my husband and I have been more than wonderful for a few months, before that, all I could think about was a divorce for about 6 months, and we've only been married 3.5 years.

Someone recommended that I watch the movie Fireproof, and it made me feel a lot better about wanting to fix things than I thought I ever would. My husband isn't a Christian, but he got a lot out of the movie too, and even wanted us to get the Love Dare book so we could really try and make things work. The Five Love Languages is another great one.

If you're really done, I wish you and your children nothing but the best and much happiness icon_smile.gif

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debbief Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 9:54pm
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I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I can only imagine the heartache you are going through. I hope everything works out for you no matter what your decision is.

Go with your heart. Give your kids lots of extra love and attention right now. They will appreciate it and it will make you feel better too.

Big Cyber (((Hugs))) to you

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Texas_Rose Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 10:10pm
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I went through a period like that in my marriage. There were a variety of issues that led to the problems that we unplanned pregnancy, money issues, him working too many hours in a job where he had to spend all day yelling at people then coming home still in the zone for the job...I thought we were at a point that we couldn't recover from, but we did. I had to do a lot of thinking about what compromises I was willing to make. He had to change jobs, to something more laid back. I've learned to deal with him better too. I don't want to get too specific here, really...there was no physical abuse going on or I would certainly have left. I'm glad I stuck it out and we've got a stronger marriage now than ever before. It's good for my kids to have their dad around that he's not stressed out like that, he's a great dad.

It's possible to love your husband but not to like the person he's become, or the person that you become when you're around him. If you still love him, but you can't stand being around him, there's still hope...maybe counseling at your church if you go for that kind of thing. We don't...what we ended up doing was making a list of the issues that we argued over and a list of ways to fix them and then we had something to work on.

(((Hugs))) I hope things get better for you, whatever you decide.

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BethLS Posted 23 Aug 2010 , 11:15pm
post #8 of 28

Thanks gals for the kind words of wisdom. icon_smile.gif

Im just heartbroken you know? This is a road I never wanted to go down but honestly, his treatment towards me is beyond a doubt mental abuse. It's not fun being a single woman pretending to be married. He doesnt sleep with me anymore, he doesn't even LOOK at me anymore.

And all I've ever done was do my job (outside the home) take care of our children, cook and bake, clean OCD (yes I love a spotless home) and do his laundry. He even expects me to be his own personal short-order chef. I love cooking for him and others, but when he even requests down to how I chop lettuce, its just crazy!

Im just so done with the mind games. He says I (quote from Saturday night) annoy him and he just wants me to leave him alone. And if and when he wants to spend time with me, he will.

Mind you ladies, he has an EASY job. He knows and admits this. He works about 2 hours out of the 8 he's at work, and gets to sleep/play hand held games, ect, the rest of the time. So stress at work really isnt an excuse he can have, lol

Oh I wish life was just a wee bit easier sometimes!

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myslady Posted 24 Aug 2010 , 5:05pm
post #9 of 28

If life was easier, we wouldn't know how to get through the tough times.

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Pacific Posted 5 Sep 2010 , 8:24pm
post #10 of 28

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feelilng this way. But in your heart and mind you know the right route to take. I've been there. It is hard, but you have the children to think about and they know when things are not right. They have a right to live in a happy home. Be brave, be strong, we are here for you. *HUGS*

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Spuddysmom Posted 6 Sep 2010 , 3:23pm
post #11 of 28

I'm sorry for all you have gone through. There are many of us who have gone through divorce and even when it is necessary it is UGLY. MHO - step back and see the reality of your situation: where will you and the children live? What financial support can you expect (and don't count on it), do you make enough to support your family? Medical insurance? How will this affect the kids (and it will ) Who provides child care? Do you have a good emotional support system - friends who will stick by you?
Mental/emotional abuse is not okay so if he is not willing to go to counseling that you'd better go to address these concerns. Whether or not you leave him, you need counseling.
To me, there is a part of your post that sounds like you are still sort of on the fence. If so, and you have any desire to save the marriage there are a couple of things you can do even before counseling, like, the next time he gives you advice on "how to chop the lettuce", you say, "That does sound like a better way", hand him the knife and walk away. When you talk to him use fewer words; kids and men listen much better when we use fewer words - some brain wiring thing.He sounds like he's pretty clueless about a lot of things. Is he addicted to gaming? Is he shut down emotionally because he's depressed?
Part of your post sounds like you are done, and have already moved on emotionally, so maybe that's that. Divorce doesn't really make life easier, it makes it different - sometimes better sometimes not. You have a lot of choices to make - best wishes on whatever road you choose.

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sexy_baker Posted 6 Sep 2010 , 3:24pm
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icon_sad.gif I'm so sorry it didn't work out with you and your husband but like what everyone says, no one should treat you the way that he did. So I think it'll be best for you and your children to live without having so much heartaches just because of him. It might be difficult to start all over again, not to mention how hard it is to trust again but I know you'll get through this. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I pray that you'll soon discover what reason that is, and hopefully get the happiness and peace you've always wanted for you and your kids.

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BethLS Posted 6 Sep 2010 , 9:23pm
post #13 of 28

Hi guys,

So my email didnt say I had any replies...figures icon_wink.gif

But here I am now! icon_razz.gif

So, I asked my husband to leave, and he said he wouldn't, because he loved me, yada yada. Of course I still love him dearly, but I'm at my wits end.

You see, my husband plays 30+ hours of video games per week. And thats after he works a full-time job. (Did I mention that while I was awake at 7:30 this morning with our kids, he slept until 2PM?!?!) I work outside the home about 20 hours a week. So while I am at work, he games.

And in return our home gets trashed, the kids get into things and ruin them, and quite honestly Im worried for their safety. A few weeks ago they got into ALL (yes, all) of my makeup on a third shelf in our master bath cloest. So, they had to go through three doors to get to the makeup. It was beyond repair, and all had to be thrown away. Husband still hasnt bought me replacements. But, what if it wasnt makeup? What if they had gotten into the laundry room, climbed up on the washer and got into the cabinet above the washer and dryer? We could have had some very sick, or worse, kiddos. (All cleaning chemicals are up there)

We wont mention the other mishap where they found somehow (didnt know I had them!) black perm markers...had to paint their. entire. room.

He doesnt get it! He wont get off his butt to do anything...I literally, do everything, and he doesnt (anymore) even do outside work like trim and mow...I have to ask my 70 year old father to do it...I mean pathetic does it need to be?

We went grocery shopping on Saturday right? And after we both took all the food into the house, he went to play games and left me to put away 150 dollars worth of food. Nice.

When has he even changed a diaper last? Im thinking it was last YEAR. He doesnt change our younger while Im at work, ever.

Yes I am very resentfull...Im basically tired of being the BEEP.

YES YES YES he is addicted! Life before gaaming was utter bliss. e doesnt see it, wont acknowledge it, ect. I told him its the games or me, and he tells me "I havent decided yet?" What the heck is therer to decide???

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indydebi Posted 6 Sep 2010 , 11:40pm
post #14 of 28

"I haven't decided yet" *IS* a decision.

To the curb, babe.

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BethLS Posted 7 Sep 2010 , 12:39am
post #15 of 28

I know Debi, I know. (I'm in the living room right now with the kids watching Dora until 9, and where is he? GAMING!)

Im honestly just waiting to get myself another job, so I can afford to stay in our home...we only have 6 years left (we are both 25) on the mortgage and I don't want to screw that up, its my perfect home! Good news is I have an interview at an up and coming bakery (actually owned by a phychologist wanting to do something on the side) so hopefully, knock on wood... icon_biggrin.gif That teamed up with my job at the University, should be more than enough to keep me and my girls afloat and happy.

Thanks for telling me what I already know icon_smile.gif

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indydebi Posted 7 Sep 2010 , 12:54am
post #16 of 28
Originally Posted by BethLS

Thanks for telling me what I already know icon_smile.gif

Boy that's normal! All of us who have been thru it know what you mean. Deep down, we KNEW what we had to do. We already knew it was the wrong type of relationship to be in.

But sometimes we need someone (or sometimes just that one person) to tell us we're right and not silly and yes, we need to do this.

Been there. Done that. Don't regret a second of it. thumbs_up.gif

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Rachie204 Posted 7 Sep 2010 , 1:21am
post #17 of 28

Sounds to me like you must both still lover each other or else one of you would have left by now. With children being involved and 5 years together I think it would be wise to seek counseling before making things final. . . counseling is really great for making the other party understand how you are feeling....You might always wonder if it would have made things better if you give up without seeking some professional help first

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jsmith Posted 7 Sep 2010 , 10:26pm
post #18 of 28

Why don't you get rid of his gaming systems, computer, etc.? He's basically acting like a child so he should be punished like one.

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cakefairy03 Posted 8 Sep 2010 , 2:34pm
post #19 of 28

If you can afford good counseling, GO! My husband and I were having problems, he was suffering from an addiction too (among other problems, from him and myself) and could not understand how it affected him, me, our 2 girls, or our marriage. After we started going to counseling, it finally clicked when he heard it from our counselor! He has done a complete 180 and changed to be such a wonderful, productive, helpful, understanding husband! I look back to 2 years ago and can't believe the difference. We are both so much happier! I knew the man I loved was inside him, he just needed help bringing that side back out! But if you think it won't change (or worse, go downhill), then you know where to go from there. You and your children are worth too much to let someone else bring you down, especially someone who is supposed to love and support you all!

Good luck with everything in your future...things will get better, one way or the other!

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dchockeyguy Posted 8 Sep 2010 , 3:49pm
post #20 of 28

IF you can get him to go to counseling, do so. That might really help things, and if he is really hooked on video games, maybe the counseling can help with that (or he can agree to seek solo counseling for that).

However, you are agreeing to let him hold you hostage now. you wanted him to leave, he says he loves you, and you still have him around. For your own sake, you need to establish some deadlines. Tell him "if you don't do x by y, I'm leaving you." If you don't set some hard and fast ideas on what needs to be done, and by when, you're going to continue to let him hold you hostage. You deserve better than that.

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adonisthegreek1 Posted 8 Sep 2010 , 4:23pm
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I am not a fan of counseling. I think it just prolongs the inevitable in most cases. However, since the problem is not infidelity or lack of love, I would strongly advise you to seek counseling. Your husband needs help with maturity and his gaming addiction. Because you have two kids and still love each other, I would try counseling first.

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rosiecast Posted 8 Sep 2010 , 6:26pm
post #22 of 28
Originally Posted by indydebi

Originally Posted by BethLS

Thanks for telling me what I already know icon_smile.gif

Boy that's normal! All of us who have been thru it know what you mean. Deep down, we KNEW what we had to do. We already knew it was the wrong type of relationship to be in.

But sometimes we need someone (or sometimes just that one person) to tell us we're right and not silly and yes, we need to do this.

Been there. Done that. Don't regret a second of it. thumbs_up.gif

Yep, I agree. I've been married for 6 years (last month) and I had known that I deserved better than what I was getting from my DH, but I stayed because I loved him. Then I thought what about the love for myself?

Now, I'm struggling financially, but I'm so happy for the new life I'm carving out for my daughter and myself.

You deserve better than to be someone's second choice.

best of luck and hugs,

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mombabytiger Posted 8 Sep 2010 , 11:08pm
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Hugs and congratulations on having the courage to escape an abusive relationship. It takes a lot of strength to walk out of an emotionally damaging relationship. Your children will be better off - they can feel when there's no love in the home. All the best to you and it appears you have many supportive buddies among the cake ladies!

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ahuvas Posted 12 Sep 2010 , 6:26am
post #24 of 28

Like everyone else said, get counseling (regardless of whether he goes or not, regardless of whether you stay together or not). Don't be afraid to try a few people until you find the right one. It is important to talk to someone who can be objective, is not a family member or friend (they have long memories, and won't be able to unhear stuff if you decide to stick together), and has good/practical advices about coping strategies etc.

Some other ideas:

1. Make a firm decision, and make it soon. It is cruel to your children to drag them through something if the endpoint is the same.
2. Do not treat your children like a defacto spouse - however small/big they are, don't discuss marriage/financial/job etc problems with/in front of them unless you think it is important for them to understand a particular aspect - if so talk in language they can understand.
3. Be a grown up about the separation/divorce - try and stay on friendly terms with your spouse so you can communicate about your children's needs without ending up in hospital/prison over it.
4. Remember you can win a battle without winning the war. Decide early on what you are not willing to compromise on and stick to it.
5. Get financial advice early on. Make sure you have copies of any land deeds, past tax reports etc. If he takes the paper work from you, you may never get it back. Make sure you also have copies of other important papers like birth certificates, passports etc.
5. Make sure your partner gets regular visitation with your children (unless you think they will be at risk) and pays financial support for their upbringing).
6. If you own a house, get specific advice about leaving the property in the event he does not agree to a divorce and won't vacate the house.

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kellikrause Posted 12 Sep 2010 , 6:19pm
post #25 of 28

Just my opinion (so don't beat me up). I really think you both need counseling, if money is an issue many churches have pastoral counselors available free of charge to bless people in need. Really, the statistics of kids growing up without one parent are shocking to say the least, and if you two can do something to stop that you should try, you owe it to your kids. I think every mom//wife feels some resentment at times and lets her emotions take over her life. Obviously your husband has an addiction to gaming, that is a very real problem, and help is available for that. He has no idea how his problem is really affecting his family and that is typical. I just think some good counseling could benefit both of you and turn your lives around.

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Pookie59 Posted 28 Oct 2010 , 9:19pm
post #26 of 28

My husband was heavily into gaming as well. Couldn't spend time with me, couldn't come to dinner, couldn't leave the house, wouldn't come to bed at a decent hour. I also found out he has an internet porn addiction. It goes without saying that when I found out, we had a serious "quit or I'm gone" confrontation. Right now he's on probation with me. I've downloaded software on to the computer so I can track his every move. It's pathetic. Addictions are just that, though. I really think IF he REALLY wants to quit, he's going to need a 12-step program. Otherwise, I'm gone. Life is too short and I have no desire to share my husband with online 'hos and hookers.

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neecerator Posted 30 Oct 2010 , 11:19pm
post #27 of 28

I don't know what the answers are. But here are some things to consider:

1. Get lots of emotional support.

2. Even if you do separate/divorce, as long as you are both alive, you still have to deal with each other. I've been divorced from my children's father for 25 years, and every important event in the kid's lives we'd had to put up with being in the same room. Graduations, school plays, weddings, granchildren, baptisms, and other special occasions, he's always there, not to mention my former Mother in law. I know they all hate me, but I've decided to forgive them for my sake, and my sanity. You'll also have to deal with him or you getting re-married and dealing with step-mothers/fathers in the picture.

3. So considering above, you still have to learn to communicate whether you like it or not because of the children.

4. Get counselling, even if it's just for yourself and your future.

5. Pray hard. Find divorce recovery groups that can point you to support groups in your area. Or find a pastor/priest to talk to regularly.

6. Don't talk to the kids about marriage problems or anything negative about their dad. This is very detrimental.

7. Upgrade your skills, and/or education in order to make good money.

8. Don't ever let anyone devalue or disrespect you, ever!

9. Hold your head up high, keep breathing, keep smiling.

Your CC friends will be here for you.
I am a divorce survivor, but it's been a very difficult road.
I kept my sanity only because of the grace of God, and no other reason.

Neecerator thumbs_up.gif

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retaunton Posted 1 Nov 2010 , 2:40am
post #28 of 28

My niece has gone through something similar in the last year. Before you leave if he refuses you need to speak with a divorce attorney. It would be a good idea to speak to one anyway even if he does decide to be mature and leave.

The poster that said to make sure you had copies of all paperwork is correct. I would suggest that you check out your computer or his if he has his own. Check the history and make sure that it isn't more than a gaming addiction. My first thought was he was hooked on internet porn or having an affair. He could even be having an on-line affair (emotional affair) and not necessarily having had to have met the person.

I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce is hard on kids, that is a given fact. Being a single mom is hard, that is a given fact. You will need a support system both emotionally and physically. My mother was a single mother with four kids in 1970. We survived, it was not easy. But we were all the better for it. Staying for the kids is not an option. The legal system is better now and it is not the social stigma that it was in 1970. I found out recently that my mother's car insurance was canceled at one point because she was "divorced."

I really wish you well and know that you have an out pouring of support here on CC and that prayers are going out for you.

God Bless!

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