Kids!-13Year Old Daughter Drama Vent! Grrr!!!!!!

Lounge By sadsmile Updated 1 Mar 2010 , 6:11pm by 7yyrt

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sadsmile Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 5:04pm
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My daughter wanted to spend the night at a friends house, but one of our rules is only if the parents or at least one parent will be home the whole time.

We find out right before we are going to taker over that her parents are planning on going out for a couple hours. So it's off and my daughter is fussy, blah blah blah... you guys never trust me blah blah blah. Sorry that is one rule we will not waiver on for all out children regardless of age from birth- adulthood if you are still living under my roof and are my responsibility.

This was last night. We were also talking causally about movies and what she can and can't watch and movies we don't know about yet and want to watch before deciding if she can watch them. And to her because her friends get to watch all kinds of stuff her life is unfair and we don't trust her.

So i get Red Box movies but she is unhappy that I want to watch them first blah blah blah. At least I am wiling to screen them when I am busy and have other things to do and I am doing my job as a parental unit and looking out for the welfare of my child! It would be nice to be appreciated. No, instead I hear, Why? why cant I watch it?" when she already knows the routine, but has to challenge and question it at every instance.

My hubby then offered to take our 13y/o DD and whatever friends of hers that could go to the Skating rink tonight for some fun.

We clearly outlined the criteria in order for her friends to go with us.

1 they must pay for their own way including drinks/snacks.
2 they must have parent permission
3 they must have their own way to our house.
4 they must be picked up from our house when we return.

I swear you try to be nice and make fun plans and there is always drama! It really should not be this complicated.

Really not such a big deal because most can just walk over.
My daughter last night hems and haws about who to invite and doesn't call anyone because she doesn't know if they will be able to go.

Well, DUH, you haven't even asked yet! Grr Whatever so call them tomorrow morning and ask. They are going to need time to ask their parents permission and work out their $ situation.

So this morning has been nothing short of a headache. She has a friend who wants to go but her parents aren't awake yet at noon and so she can't ask yet and doesn't want to ask them for $ but has none of her own. And they are the ones who live a few miles away and don't want to take her anywhere but are fine if you pick her up and drop her off.

Well we are not chauffeurs and don't want to be all the time, Ya know. My daughter had spent no kidding a whole hour on the phone with this one friend and she kept coming back to me and pleading can't we pick her up, but she's not sure about $ blah blah blah. NO! Well then IDK what to tell her blah blah blah. You tell her I'm sorry you can't go with me this time maybe next time. DUH!

It's cut and dry and simple. But no my daughter keeps repeating the issue over the coarse of the hour, like I am going to change my mind an bend over backwards for her friends. She pleads can I spend my B-day money so she can go, because her parents have done so much for her already with school field trips and clothes that she doesn't want to ask them for $10.00

What... he parents only have two kids, we have four. They have two incomes we have one. They can afford a week long cruise and this and that for their kids and we can not. No, she needs to ask her parents. I try to explain to my daughter that once you fall into the emotional trap of providing for friends they will in the long run bleed you dry if you let them.

Not that her friend would intentionally do that in a mean way, but it is very easy to let someone else pay your way and get used to it. She is a nice girl, but we have our limits ya know. My daughter keeps interrupting me and whining and raising her voice talking over my explanation to challenge what I am saying and argue with me- that I just lost it and yelled SHUT UP! That's enough...I've had it! No skating period! She storms off in a whiny huff and cries why do you always do that, it's not fair! Then I hear her door slam.

Oh OH!!!!! I am so mad. What is with this age. She is overly emotional and wants everything to go her way, but is to timid to stand her ground on anything but arguing with me-when she is wrong.

Seriously what am I supposed to do let her and her friends dictate to us the terms of what we offer all the time? NO way Jose!

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CakesByJen2 Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 5:55pm
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I hear ya! My 14 yo is the same way. She will argue and argue, always trying to get more, that she ends up getting to do nothing. Everything and everyone is "stupid"...

She has been on a campaign to get either her ear cartilage or belly button pierced for months, and she will go on and on for an hour at a time, at least a couple of times a week about it. I did consider it, because I don't have any objections to it per se, but after reading about it and consulting her pediatrician and another pediatrician who coaches her cross-country team, we decided the risk of infection was too high and had to veto it, but she will not accept it. It's also just not practical considering how active she is; she swims and does track field, and trains year-round.

She acts like it is the most important thing in her life, and says she's going to do it as soon as she's 18. I told that's fine, then she will be legally and financially responsible for her decisions and the consequences.

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AverageMom Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 6:20pm
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LOL. I feel for you both, I really do. My daughter is still only 7, but I spend all day with teenagers. Stay strong!!! I admire you for having boundaries, and sticking to them!
It will get better, I swear. Around age 16, they start to give up the whining. I can't promise they will turn into humans, or not pierce random body parts, but they will calm down. And then, around 18, just when they are ready to leave you, TA-DA!!! People. Real, live people. And then they turn around and thank you for everything.

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mrspriss0912 Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 6:56pm
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I totaly feel your pain I have a 15 yo daughter and she can be quite the handful sometimes, most of the time its more or less her friends and their actions that bother me I dont want her to feel that just because they get away with stupid s**t at their houses dosent mean it is going to work in mine.

I am glad you are sticking to your rules that is the only way that they eventually learn that you really do care and (speaking from the point of a former teenage brat) discipline does make them grow up and become better adults. I have thanked my mom numerous times for being the hard a** with me.

I have even turned around and looked for her when I told my DD the same thing she had said to me 20 years ago. Look on the bright side someday she will turn into you and you can sit back and just take it all in.My mom loves it icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

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Texas_Rose Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 8:46pm
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You can look up movies on the IMDB and there's a parent's guide section you can click on that has it all broken down into categories...exactly which bad words and how many times they're used, any violence and how graphic it is, that you can get some idea of how appropriate a movie is before you rent it, or in case you're not up to previewing the latest teen flick icon_biggrin.gif

I know that's not the main issue here but maybe it will help a little bit icon_biggrin.gif

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costumeczar Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 10:58pm
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Adolescent hormones suck. Stay strong!

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-Tubbs Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:11pm
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Yep, can't help you out there, because I'm also in the thick of it with a 14 year old. All I can say is stick with it - plenty of us are with you in spirit!

My daughter argued with me about something this week, wouldn't accept my final "because that's the way it's going to be, and if you don't stop arguing about it there will be consequences", and so I took away her phone for a week. She knows I mean business!

Sooooo, any advice on how to deal with a 12-yo boy whose friends are all allowed to play 'M' rated video games...?

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Mrs-A Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:16pm
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sending lots of hugs for support.... my sister was on the phone whining to me yesterday about our only niece (shes 16 and her mum/my SIL and my sister work together). shes a good kid but as i told my sister, she is a teenager, she is suppose to be emotional and a pain in the backside from time to time - thats what teenagers do.

i have friends that talk about their teen years and how much they would love to go back and relive them.... me, hell no! once was enough thank you very much

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LaBellaFlor Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:29pm
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You know I love you Sadsmile, but I'm not arguing with my kids, period. And they know this, period. I explain things to them, don't get me wrong, I do, but thats it. My kids understand what we can and can't do and don't bother to test those limits. What would I have done, "I explained the situation to you, if you want to argue about this, everything is cancelled". And I so don't do last minute. The teenagers know this, even the little kids.

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LaBellaFlor Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:29pm
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And I believe in choices...they may not always like the choices, but they do have a choice.

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costumeczar Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:34pm
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Originally Posted by -Tubbs

Sooooo, any advice on how to deal with a 12-yo boy whose friends are all allowed to play 'M' rated video games...?

I just wrote out a long response and it disappeared! icon_mad.gif The gist of it was that I tell my kids that I can't control the jackass decisions other parents make for their kids, but I'm not an idiot so I won't be making those decisions for them.

On the other hand, some games are rated M because they have the possibility of being hacked and having the code altered, or there are other stupid reasons like that. Most of them deserve the rating, but some have a dumb reason behind it. If your son is 12 he shouldnt' be playing them anyway, but when he's a little older it isn't so cut-and-dried. My 14-yo has some games that aren't that bad in the grand scheme of things, but they have an M rating. I always ask the guys at Gamestop what they think, and since they're game geeks they can pretty much tell me what's in the games that's objectionable.

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tatorchip Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:43pm
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when my dd was a teenager ( I want to lol right now) this is how it went.

if she woke up and acted like a child (whinny) I would bring her a baby bottle and giggle. She would storm off to her bedroom and pout. Good she was safe and I had the rest of the house to myself.

if she woke up acting like a young lady (polite) I would ask her what she wanted to do today. If she said something like a movie or shopping then I would tell her to call a friend to come alone. If she said something stupid like I want to go with my friends to the mall just drop us off. I would go get the baby bottle. lol

teenagers wake up either a child or a young adult. Everyday is different so I narrowed it down to two ways. It saved my sanity. lol

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Mrs-A Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:50pm
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Originally Posted by tatorchip

......teenagers wake up either a child or a young adult. Everyday is different so I narrowed it down to two ways. It saved my sanity. lol

my words to my niece the other day was if she was going to play the "im almost 18, dont treat me like a child" card then she needed to step up and make responsible decisions and behave accordingly. if she was going to play the whiney its not fair while holding her breath and stamping her foot card then she needs to suck up being treated as a child

i have 5 nephews and only 1 niece - i would take boys over girls anyday, emotionally with girls you just dont know whats going to wake up

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Doug Posted 20 Feb 2010 , 11:51pm
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sounds like it's time to take a door off a room.

no privacy until you can be civil.


and as a teacher of 34+ years who deals with HS set all the time.

no arguing.

this IS the ways its going to be -- MY way -- now just do it!

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sadsmile Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 1:53am
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Thanks guys! It does help to know I am not the only one having to stand firm and go through this.

Texas_Rose that is a good site and I use Movie Mom, but on the ones that have some suggestive content I still want to watch it first to see how it is portrayed. There is a difference in being promiscuous and wanting to be promiscuous or having normal hormonal urges yet choosing to not do that. Some movies are just trouble while others show tough choices. So we are very choosy abut what we allow to influence our kids in movies. I also look at moral issues and how those are dealt with in the plot. We also have talk about what happens and how things could have been different, worse or better depending on the character did, or could have done.

I am like a hyper parent... icon_rolleyes.gif

I have a 12 y/o son too. Honor roll, gifted student,(they both are and are a blessing) sweet and thoughtful boy. To both of my kids we have instilled that their rules follow them wherever they go whether out in the world or at a friends house or just at home. It's not house rules it's their rules for life, fro a good future, to prosper and be the best they can be. And it's tough sometimes. We won't allow M games or even some teen games. nothing with blood or violence or running from the law or doing illegal things in a game. It promotes those activities and desensitizes your moral compass and pretty soon those type of things are going to seem common place and not so bad- normal. WE won't have any of it. And so help him if he is playing any of that a friends house. I will go over and have a talk with the parents and embarrass the tar out of him if he breaks that trust, and tell them that he isn't allowed to play that game or those games. And if I sense the parents are not going to respect our decision then he will not be allowed at their house. Their kid can come to ours just as easily- no need to lose a friend and make enemies, just a switch of houses. Shoot I'll still make popcorn and brownies. thumbs_up.gif

Bella I love you too! icon_wink.gif And I kept sending her out of my presence telling her I am not changing my mind- while she had her friend on the phone, but covering the receiver. That got me really ticked off! Emotional black mail isn't working on me. She just would not stop regardless of me telling her to stop and giving her too many chances. In the end she is on restriction and house lock down and no skating, no phone, no friends. She hates when I get firm voiced and thinks I am yelling and all that jazz, because I am super soft spoken, but by golly when I say No - no matter how nicely No is NO. Don't ask me twice! I refreshed her memory on that and she is on the verge of losing her privilege to go on the school field trips. I am so not having a teenager that things they can talk over me and beg like a victim to get what they want. Youre right I will have to exert a bit more firmness on a regular basis. I am not her friend, I am her mom. thumbs_up.gif

Good for you Tatorchip! I am the same way she isn't going unless one of us or another parent I trust is going to be right there the whole time. She voices that she doesn't like it when trying to make plans, but always comes back and says that most of her friends parents are the same way and they can't go unless I am going to be there. LOL

Doug I get where you are coming from but I don't want to start a war... but if she starts it I soo will go there! Though it would make it tough to keep the 2 year old out of stuff. I don't want her to think I am her enemy and am against her at every turn. My mom was a My way or the Highway type and I left home too young. We never got along. She didn't care how I felt and didn't ever compromise or really listen or get me. There is a certain amount if give and take to raising kids on some things and a firm hard line on others. She didn't have a balance- just the hard way. Life was rough and I lost respect for her, and never have really gained it back and it affect my love for her in a negative way to this day. So I get what you are saying, but I disagree to a point.
I also encourage them daily and build up their esteem with the little things and the huge tasks that they do so well. I am so super proud of them both. They really are good kids; they are just entering that stage where kids try to develop their own independence and don't quite under stand that that doesn't mean bucking authority and the rules.

Being a parent is the hardest, most challenging and yet most rewarding job you'll ever have. OK I feel better now. And she is acting sweet and civil again. icon_cool.gif

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kansaslaura Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 2:54pm
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I raised a daughter--I rasied a son. I'd raise boys by the dozens before I'd raise another girl ! ! ! !

Fast forward to the present--giving hope... our daughter is now an RN, married to a wonderful man and just had her first baby ( a girl ---bwaaahahahahahaah watching the payback will be GREAT!!!). She's settled, has now realized that her once stupid mother holds the keys to many of life's mysteries.

I'm very proud to say that she had her education and was married before she had a baby too.

Something stuck.. they listen, just refuse to admit it.

It does get better--keep praying, hold strong and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY!!!

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Deb_ Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 3:37pm
post #17 of 69

I agree Kansaslaura.

Girls are tough. They're dramatic and argumentative.

I have one of each, my DD was always the one to argue curfew, accuse us of being the "only parents that don't let their kids do anything" etc., etc., etc. My DS is only 17 months younger then her but a complete joy since day 1.

Fortunately she's 21 now and we've SURVIVED her upbringing lol!

Sarah, stick to your guns you and your husband are doing the right thing. The only advice I have, which has been stated already, is to give her your answer and then walk away.

Don't allow her to keep pecking at you for a response. That's when it turns into a full blown argument which you don't need.

She can't argue with herself. Well maybe she can but she won't get any satisfaction from it. icon_wink.gif

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kjt Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 4:47pm
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My husband and I raised 4, yep, FOUR daughters, and lived to tell about it!

Yes, I checked to make sure at least one parent would be at the friend's home before they could stay, they had responsibilities at home, they were expected to show respect, and on and on and on-they were the most unfair living conditions ever imagined.
Our daughters actually had *gasp*...CURFEWS! And if they weren't home on time, I didn't care how embarrassed it made them , or who's parents I bothered calling around to find them!

Stick to your guns...they will thank you one day! Honestly, you can do this.

We actually often found it more difficult to deal with other kids' parents than our own kids. One father called our home one night to see if we were going to chip in for the hotel room for after the school prom... icon_eek.giftapedshut.gif . Seriously...the stories I could tell you.

My second daughter called me the other day to tell me she said to HER daughter, "Because I am the Mommy, that's why", and she used to think that was such a ridiculous reason! icon_wink.gif

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sadsmile Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 5:24pm
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Hotel room... no way!!! No way in the world that is going to happen... shoot we'll throw a dance party to last a few hours after if anything to prevent that, and her from going anywhere else! And we aren't going in our room to sleep while it's going on... haha.

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7yyrt Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 7:12pm
post #20 of 69

It's part of nature for a teenage daughter to fight with mom, a teenage boy to fight with dad.
They have the need to assert independence, yet are not ready to handle complete autonomy.
It's usually the same sex parent who gets the brunt of it.

I'd love to give you a hug, I'm sure you need one. It will get better, and you sound like you're doing a good job.

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ziggytarheel Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 8:19pm
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A great piece of advice I took to heart was simply this, "Let them have the last word."

That's hard to do, but it keeps the situation from escalating and you are not contributing to their misbehavior. Our first inclination is often to think that whoever has the last word wins. Not true. The person with the last word simply has the last word. icon_smile.gif

So, if you lay down the law and they want to tell you it isn't fair or whatever else, my advice is simply walk away. It really does work! icon_smile.gif

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KHalstead Posted 21 Feb 2010 , 8:44pm
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This is one area that my faith comes into play all the time. My kids understand that the things I don't want them to do or watch on t.v. are REALLY for their own good and it's not JUST because I say so, but I have the Bible to back me up. My kids are always more receptive when they realize that God said so first!

Might not help you but, worth a try!

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TheDomesticDiva Posted 22 Feb 2010 , 1:29am
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One site I recommend for absolutely thorough movie reviews is, its done by focus on the family. I use it all the time and I really love having it as a tool for prescreening movies.

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JGMB Posted 22 Feb 2010 , 1:39pm
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I only read the OP's entry, haven't had time to read the rest, so I apologize if any of this is a rerun!!!

Yes, teenage girls are definitely a pain, but you DO have to stand your ground! Don't let her whining break you down and make you give in.

Stay firm, but don't let the argument escalate. What I used to do with my daughter when she'd scream at me was to stay calm and actually get quieter. She would eventually give up -- I think they feed on the drama, so if you don't get heated and caught up in it, they'll back down.

This too, shall pass. My daughter was AWFUL for a few years -- Thank God, no drugs, drinking, sex, etc., just constantly disagreeing with me, questioning my authority, saying I was the meanest mother, and so on. When we dropped her off at college on the first day and got back home, both my husband and I found notes from her on our pillows. She said she realized how difficult she had been, apologized, and told us how much she appreciated all that we do for her. The bratty, nasty teenager was gone and the daughter we had known and loved was back!!!

We are now wonderfully close. She's a teacher, and one of her favorite strategies to use with an unruly student is . . . to lower her voice when they begin to get louder icon_wink.gif

Sorry this was long, but I just want you to know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel -- hang in there!!!!

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rosiecast Posted 22 Feb 2010 , 9:16pm
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OMG! I'm terrified. MY DD is 3 years old. lol I was a pretty good kid (if I do say so myself) never gave my mom trouble, my friends were like me-bookworms, non-smokers, non-drinkers. Not hard-partiers, so I hope I get some slack from DD once she gets to be a teenager. lol

Good luck to you,

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mamawrobin Posted 22 Feb 2010 , 9:27pm
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Originally Posted by Mrs-A

Originally Posted by tatorchip

......teenagers wake up either a child or a young adult. Everyday is different so I narrowed it down to two ways. It saved my sanity. lol

my words to my niece the other day was if she was going to play the "im almost 18, dont treat me like a child" card then she needed to step up and make responsible decisions and behave accordingly. if she was going to play the whiney its not fair while holding her breath and stamping her foot card then she needs to suck up being treated as a child

i have 5 nephews and only 1 niece - i would take boys over girls anyday, emotionally with girls you just dont know whats going to wake up

I agree...I have 6 boys and 1 daughter. I thank God everyday that it wasn't 6 girls and 1 boy. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

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sadsmile Posted 22 Feb 2010 , 9:38pm
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Haha I must have prayed for patience a very long long time ago...LOL I have 3 girls and 1 boy.

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Kayakado Posted 23 Feb 2010 , 7:36pm
post #28 of 69

Too funny, you will survive this.

Funny thing, guards at women's prisons have special training to deal with women, because we want to argue and discuss what would be a done deal if it was a guy.

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jules06 Posted 24 Feb 2010 , 2:04am
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I have 4 sons & I daughter -my eldest son doesn't live at home the moment we are living with my sister & her 14 yr old daughter ( for a few more weeks ). My niece is the most entitled, spoilt , selfish, rude, uncontrollable girl I have ever met - my sis just lets her get away with the most despicable behaviour & shrugs it off to hormones - " she is just a hormonal teenage girl & you know nothing about teenage girls Julie "
I seriously doubt it is just hormones - for eg, the other day, she hacked into my 15 yr old sons' birthday cake ( made a mess of it, luckily after his bday ! ) because one of the boys had accidentally broken her cup ! When I called her on it, she totally flew into a rage, screaming at me to get out of her f*#*#*g house, repeatedly screaming abuse at me , then hit me & my son when he tried to push her away from me.
Naturally,when I told my sis about it, she did nothing, hasn't made my niece apologise or anything - any thoughts / advice besides getting the heck out of here as fast as I can ???!!!
My sister refuses to listen to anything I say to her about her daughter ( I'm sure a lot of it has to do with her poor parenting )
Sorry this is so long !!

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sadsmile Posted 24 Feb 2010 , 2:12am
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Oh wow that is a teenzilla at it's worst. I was soo scared of that I started brain washing my kids from the time they opened their eyes.... compliance. I guess we are just having a lil bump in the road compared to that!

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