I get more riled at the folks who think it's awful that I have no contact with my grandparents, and that I must be just horrid because they're my GRANDPARENTS, for heaven's sake!
I hear ya! Those comments are usually made by those who have had a NORMAL relationship with NORMAL parents/grandparents and have absolutely no freakin' clue what it's like to deal with ..... well, I'll be nice .... "non-normal" people.
You never get "the reprimand" from folks like me, who knows what it's like to deal with nutso family members.
And bless the folks who have no idea. They are very fortunate to NOT know what we're talking about.
This thread makes me sad.
My paternal grandparents were so cold and so distant and uninterested. My parents still made the effort to visit 6-7 times a year, but I cannot remember one single time they ever came to our home (4-5 hour trip). Whenever we were there we (the kids) were 'banished' to the (furnished) basement for just about the entire time. We ate down there, met our cousins down there... everything. I never remember being hugged by my grandparents, not once. They weren't interested in us at all, never asked about school activities or school sports or band or anything. I was so proud when I made the varsity volleyball team as a freshman, and their reaction was like 'so what'?
The only time I ever remember a reaction from my grandmother was when she found out I wasn't going to med school, like 'everyone else in the family'. I remember her words as if it was just yesterday (24 years ago).... 'I am so disappointed in you'. Never mind that I maintained a 3.82 GPA with full-time university and full-time work.
Your kids are most likely better off with a long distance relationship with these people, getting the occasional birthday present in the mail and such. Kids aren't stupid and they know when they're not wanted, especially by family.
The same with my inlaws. When my husband graduated with his bachelor's degree, we sent them an invitation. MY parents threw him a grad party.
Their response....... we've already been to 3 graduations of yours, what's so different about this one? (The 3 being High School, boot camp and Marine Security Guard school.) A 4 year degree meant nothing to them- they didn't even send a card or a gift.
Oh- and they didn't even come to our wedding because we got married in my hometown, by my minister in the UU church I grew up in (I am the bride right?????) and NOT in their town by MIL's brother.
It is so much better for some children to have the long distance relationship with some family members. They are polite on the phone, send cute emails, and money for birthdays and Christmas- much better than remembering the grumpy, complaining, and cranky part of them!!!
Your kids are most likely better off with a long distance relationship with these people, getting the occasional birthday present in the mail and such. Kids aren't stupid and they know when they're not wanted, especially by family.
It's not really that they don't want them or care about them, I think it's more that they just don't really know *how* to be grandparents or to interact with kids. Neither of them had that great of a childhood or parents themselves, and their parents were not great grandparents, either, so I do try to be empathetic and understanding in that respect.
It just does get a little frustrating at times, because the result is somewhat of a mixed message. They want to see us, but then the reality is a little more than they know how to deal with, so they end up not really spending much time or interacting with us . They are always nice to the kids, and affectionate, never critical, just not that "hands-on" in that they have never really known how to interact or play with them.
We won't be visiting very often, though, since it's clear for whatever reason that they can't handle having guests and we can't really afford the hotel, and it's just not worth it for us to drive that far, just to sit around a hotel room most of the weekend. I just don't see any other options at this point...
I'm not sure about your situation but I can tell you that I couldn't handle any more kids than I have this xmas. And they were pretty "good" kids. The noise and commotion, the not listening, the 1....2........3...games (where mom or dad does the countdown until the kid complies). The smart remarks, the not listening when asked, etc honestly had my sister in tears and me looking for some "chill pills" (never did take any but if I had had some I would). I will GLADLY skip christmas next year not to have to deal with this and it's not that I don't love them. I do. My mind is senstive to all the "situations" and I get annoyed and angry and frustrated and we shouldn't have to suffer to show the kids we love them. I'd rather do it in small doses. Geesh I wonder how many times my sister would have been in tears (shes 57) if they had been bad kids? And one of them is her pride and joy ONLY grandson.
I blame all this on the parents, not the kids. They do not parent well so no, I don't want to be around them all at once but I do love them and hope when they get older and they are young adults I can be there to help them. Until then, a short visit here or there and a phone call and I'm good. I would NEVER EVER let them stay in my home even just overnite, unless they were gonna be homeless....lol..can you tell I just left a family function that turned badly because of the kids AND the adults (one male) ruined it?
My point about all this is perhaps they do love your children but don't fault them for not being able to tolerate the hustle bustle noise.
My grandmother actually had a pretty good solution to the terrible kid thing. I know I know you all are shocked I MIGHT have been a handfull as a kid LOL. There were 5 grandkids all boys between my family, and my cousins. One kid at a time my GM told my Mother, and Aunt, you figure the rotation, but only one at a time. As kids we loved it. If someone had something come up the one that was there got to stay longer.
Mike
It sounds like they like the IDEA of being grandparents more than they actually like BEING grandparents.
That may not be true. How were they as parents? If they were OK parents then they may have just gotten where THEY can't handle kid stuff. And why is it the Grand parent's fault? For some why can't it be the parents fault for not raising nice kids? I know that I would have never have thought of acting up like some of those kids did or life as I knew it would come to an end. People shouldn't have to tolerate bad behavior from grown ups or kids. It certainly ruined my xmas as it ALWAYS does and not that I don't love them...I do. You know when people who own the dogs who bark alot never hear them bark, but the neighbors hear it every TIME, and people with naughty kids sometimes are the same way, they can tune out a lot of stuff but other's can't. Joking around and laughing don't bother most people. Fit having and smart mouthing and hatefullness do...just my opinion from someone's xmas who was ruined because of kids and their parents. Next year I will buy them presents but I don't want to be around them, seriously (and some of their parents too).
It's okay to not love your relatives. You don't have to keep claiming you love them.
Amen!
The opposite of love isnt' hate ... the opposite of love is indifference. So just because you don't love them, doesn't mean you hate them.
You don't have to be Catholic to suffer from "Catholic Guilt" ..... so don't let others guilt you into doing what THEY say "you're POSTA do".
(the word "posta" is a joke in our house. I have a sister who couldn't pronounce "suppose to" if her life depended on it. Everything is what you're "posta" do. So we joke and call them "The Posta Rules". 
)
Exactly Debi. One can not love or even like someone, but not hate them as well.
My friend William is deeply disturbed by the fact that I have no contact with my cousins. 'Do you hate them so much?', he says. Nope, I don't hate them at all... It was fun growing up together because they lived out in the country and had horses and we loved going there, but as we got older we drifted apart. Life is like that.
This thread makes me sad.
My paternal grandparents were so cold and so distant and uninterested. My parents still made the effort to visit 6-7 times a year, but I cannot remember one single time they ever came to our home (4-5 hour trip). Whenever we were there we (the kids) were 'banished' to the (furnished) basement for just about the entire time. We ate down there, met our cousins down there... everything. I never remember being hugged by my grandparents, not once. They weren't interested in us at all, never asked about school activities or school sports or band or anything. I was so proud when I made the varsity volleyball team as a freshman, and their reaction was like 'so what'?
The only time I ever remember a reaction from my grandmother was when she found out I wasn't going to med school, like 'everyone else in the family'. I remember her words as if it was just yesterday (24 years ago).... 'I am so disappointed in you'. Never mind that I maintained a 3.82 GPA with full-time university and full-time work.
My sister and I never said anything to our parents and I'm not sure they ever noticed the damage that was done. I wish now I would have. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I tried to maintain a relationship with my paternal grandparents then (because that is what one was taught...), I sent holiday cards and birthday cards and mother's day and father's day cards for about 3 years afterward, and never had any kind of response, so I stopped. About eight years after that they started sending cards, but by then it was way too late. I have no contact with them, but it's okay. I get more riled at the folks who think it's awful that I have no contact with my grandparents, and that I must be just horrid because they're my GRANDPARENTS, for heaven's sake!
But those times we didn't drive down for holidays and such you'd better believe they got all pissy about it.
Your kids are most likely better off with a long distance relationship with these people, getting the occasional birthday present in the mail and such. Kids aren't stupid and they know when they're not wanted, especially by family.
You just described my in-laws to a "T". They live in PA 6 hrs away from us and if my DH doesn't phone them they would never phone him first.
We were watching old videos from when our kids were really little and in one of them my son (age 2 at the time) ran up to my MIL to give her a hug and kiss and she actually pushed him away. How does anybody do that to a 2 yr old grandchild that they only see once or twice a year?
They're coldhearted parents and grandparents.
My DH has always said that it's good they enjoy being alone because when they get old and sickly that's what they'll still be.....alone.
It's okay to not love your relatives. You don't have to keep claiming you love them.
Nothing bugs me more than bad parenting and obnoxious kids.
I'm not claiming I love them, I DO love them (guess I felt bad saying bad things about them because I do love them and felt the need to express it).
But one can love them and not tolerate their behavior either. Just as sometimes parents say "I love you but I don't like what you are doing right now" (that was my point). When they (ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL boys no girls) get a bit older and they can communicate instead of hitting, biting, bad mouthing, being selfish with some stupid game they'll be easier to be around, if that happens!
This is the last I am going to say on this subject as it seems to be a touchy one, sorry if I offended anyone I guess I was just venting a little after terrible xmas family behavior ruined it for everyone.
I wish everyone peace and harmony and a great year!
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