Something I am constantly learning (on my own) but I know many relationships have some struggles (not necessarily big ones). Is there anything that has helped you in your relationship that you have learned? Open for any advice and curious to hear about other people's learning experiences.
I'm not expecting some miracle advice on how to communicate with men (no offense to the male CC'ers, it's just that men and women are so different). I call my husband "the brick wall"
I think my biggest help in relationships was reading Men are from Mars, Women from Venus

I think that Erma Bombeck once wrote something like "My husband has forgiven me for not being Sofia Loren, and I've forgiven him for not being Paul Newman." When you're irritated with your partner you have to remember that you're probably no bargain, either!

My best relationship advice would be to talk about everything...I kid you not if a guy honks his horn at me I tell my husband. Then he never has any reason to think I am hiding anything from him. He knows he can trust me...and when you talk about everything there is not much room for arguments.

Both of my oldest kids (one married, one seriously dating) have told us the best advice we ever gave them was "marry your best friend".

In our thinking, when the pink clouds of honeymoon love turn gray and cloudy, and the duties of everyday life and adulthood start creeping in, and when you're tired from dealing with a sick 2 year old and forced to watch a Lifetime Movie and eat popcorn on the couch because you're too broke to do anything else .... then you better LIKE the person you're sitting next to on that couch.

Friends last forever. who here still has friends from grade school and has people who have been friends longer than you've been married to your soul mate? Marriages go bust everyday, but true friends remain steady and true for a lifetime.

marry your best friend.

KFC: Kindness, forgiveness, commitment.

Good advice to think about. Yes, my husband is definitely my best friend and I see us growing old together, although I still think I have a lot to learn.

Hubby and I frequenty marvel on how we can drive each other up a freakin' wall all the time over little stuff. But when the sh*t hits the fan is when we pull together, and get thru it together. Just like your best friend is "always there for you" when times are not as sunshiney as you'd like them to be.

And it just makes everything a little bit better when your friend is by your side.

Be honest with each other about everything. This does come with a catch, though, you have to agree not to get upset if the truth isn't the answer you wanted to hear. I know if I ask my DH "does my butt look big in this?" that he will answer honestly (in my case, the answer is always yes because my butt is just plain ol' big, but it'll also come with a glint in his eye that lets me know that he LIKES my big o'l butt ).

We agreed to be honest and straightforward right from the beginning, which led to us getting to know each other very well very quickly.

I also agree with Debi about marrying your best friend. There's honestly no one I'd rather spend my days with than my DH.

I always remeber my Granny saying to me on my wedding day.... just remember God only gave them faces so we can tell them apart!

hahahahaa - 30 odd years later I think I can truly understand what she meant!! Seen many marriages go bust because one of the parties thought that they could do "better" - best to remember that the grass on the other side of the fence may appear to be greener BUT you still gotta mow it when you get there!!

Oh and agree with the Indydebi on the best friend bit .... but most people forget that ....

TO HAVE GOOD FRIENDS - YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND

I spent over 20 years "keeping the peace" in my first marriage and I finally learned a very valuable lesson.....you may keep the peace but you pay a heavy price. While my first husband was passive aggressive, the fact that I protected the kids and our families from his ugliness only served to greatly escalate his behavior and make me look like the bad guy when I couldn't take it any more and had to leave the marriage.
He also had shown signs of it well before I married him but I made excuses for him and truly believed he wouldn't act like that with a great wife like me. You can't change anyone. I know that now. If there's something about a person you don't like, it's only going to get worse over the years.

So, I am more outspoken when things bother me with my husband now, although it's still hard for me. But, David is a very different man than Andy.

Jodie

Never take an argument to bed - always say goodnight and give each other a kiss.

Also, how your day progresses depends on how you greet each other first thing in the morning.

Ohhh and don't read *how too books* otherwise you will see whats not there - not the real person standing in front of you.


Bluehue

Debi....well, my parents caught glimpses, but my kids really didn't see much. After I moved out (he refused to let me have the house, which I didn't fight because I was afraid of him at that point) my daughter refused to come with me. She had to stay and take care of poor dad. She was 18. She basically didn't speak to me for almost a year. She could barely stand to be in the same room with me and any conversations we had were so forced. It was the most horrible year of my life. I couldn't defend why I had to get out without talking badly about him and I had promised myself I wasn't going to play it that way. I lived on the faith that one day she would come back to me. Then one day she called me at work and asked me to meet her for lunch. When she saw me she burst into tears and asked me if she could move in with me. I knew she had seen her dad for what he was.
A few years ago she begged me to forgive her, which, of course, she didn't have to do.

Jodie

[quote="indydebi"]Both of my oldest kids (one married, one seriously dating) have told us the best advice we ever gave them was "marry your best friend".[/quote
AMEN!
Mix in some respect and remove three words from your vocaubulary, "And another thing" Arguments are 10 minutes of problem solving and hours of hurting each other. (The last part is totally stolen from a psychologist I have heard speak.)

[quote="mightydragon663"]

I've shared this story before but another thing we do is that when the fight is over, it's OVER. We can be yelling at each other for 10 minutes, but 2 minutes after that it's "I'm getting a coke, you want one?" When my daughter got married, she said this was the hardest part for her because she grew up with you argue and it's done. Her hubby grew up with carrying the silent treatment around for 3 days. Daughter was confused when 10 minutes after the argument, she asks him a question and he's still mad! She's like "WTH? We're DONE with that issue!" It was a learning curve for both of them.

Indydebi, that reminds me of an advice I read and always think about. That as a parent, you are your childrens' role model for how to deal with misunderstandings, differences and problems. And the way we react is likely how they will react in their future relationships. I grew up in a fairly quiet home and when I met my husband I thought he got mad at me all the time and I asked him to stop yelling at me. (Which he denied every time). When I met his parents the first time and heard how loud they talk it all clicked and I had my AHA moment (so he was right, he did not yell the whole time).[/quote]

i have learnt to talk to your friends about your relationship. not gossiping, but laying out the truth of what is going on. relationships look different if you are inside it, and having a good friend give you their thoughts, and help you to see your partners point of view can really help.
and, if you dont want to tell your friends something incase it makes them think badly of your partner, maybe you need to be thinking if your partner is really treating you as you deserve.

i agree, that it is important to talk about your day too, its the boring tales of this and that that keep you connected.

and sometimes its important to get away from real life, because you do end up bogged down in dishes and bills. escaoing that helps me (us) to reconnect.
xx

Treat them the way you want to be treated!!

My best advice and it has taken me many years to get better at is "Think carefully before you speak" by that I mean in an argument or discussion...think a few seconds about your answer before you start screaming and swearing or giving a reply etc...It has hepled me tremendously when hubby and I are disagreeing and has stopped me many times from saying hurtful things I didn't really mean in a heated arguement.

My best advice is to take some time for yourself occasionally.

Things I have learned from being married for 25 years:

Always laugh and have fun in the bedroom
Don't be afraid to argue in front of the children (as long as it is not really heated) they learn how to deal with conflict
Always remember, you started out as 2, you added more, but eventually you will be 2 again. You always need to remember that.
It is ok to sit in the same room and not talk all the time. The quiet times are very special as well.
It's ok not to be interested in the things your partner is. You are an individual and you need things that make you happy.

Always greet and say goodbye/goodnight.

ok...... advice...... Be honest with each other, dont try to change your partner they are the person you married for the wasy they were and will always be, be able to forgive!!!!!!!! That is the big one i am still working with.... no it isnt always going to be sunshine and flowers but if you truly love someone you have to be able to look past their issues and your own!
The grass is always greener on the other side but it is usually over a septic tank DH learned that one the hard way

My Health Teacher gave out this advice:

"Marriage is hard as h.e.double hockey sticks. You better have more than hormones going for you cuz that don't last forever. Say what you mean and mean what you say and don't say it if you don't mean it.

I never forgot those words....cuz it has been the "more than" part that has gotten me 24 years down the marriage road.

Marry your best friend is great advice...mine wasn't when I married him....but you can sure as h.e.double hockey sticks...bet he is NOW.

My best advice: Be in it to win it!!

Here are my two cents (maybe a bit more):

Don't be with someone if you need them to change to be the partner you desire. You need to be able to accept them completely as they are and if nothing in them ever changes you will still be very happy.

Give the best of yourself to your partner, not the worst - we often make far more of an effort to be kind and civil to strangers and take out our frustrations from the world on our family. Really it should be the other way around. Of the people in your life, the person/people you love most should be the ones you treat best and with the most respect.

Be pretty blunt with men - they're no good at guessing what they're supposed to work out for themselves. Don't give them the silent treatment or say "Well if you don't know ..." because they didn't get or do something you really wanted them to do. They really don't know why you're upset and it's just easier for everyone if you tell them straight up.

Learn how to NOT push each other's buttons. My hubby has learnt that when I get really angry I won't talk and he just needs to leave me to calm down. I will always talk to him about the issue, it's just that I need the time to get in control of my emotions and if he pushes the issue it's not pleasant for either of us. We also have a rule that we never swear at each other or call each other names .... ever! Not even 'jokingly'. Those kinds of words can be very destructive in a relationship. At worst we'll poke our tongue out which often results in fits of giggles from both of us.

Lean into each other rather than out to others when times are tough. It's relying on each other that makes you stronger. Also, always see the best in your partner - turn your thoughts around .... can't think two things at the same time. Good thoughts - good marriage - bad thoughts, destructive in the marriage. The exception here is that you must be able to see if the partner is abusive - listen to family and friends if they are concerned. They often know you best.

And lastly, my hubby and I have another rule. We understand that in life you will be attracted to other people so our rule is - don't let the other see the attraction, find a way to deal with it and NEVER act on it. I don't ever want to know if he feels attracted to a friend of mine just as he never wants to know if I'm attracted to one of his friends. We understand that attractions are often fleeting so why burden the other with that horrid feeling.

So it was a little more than 2 cents worth ....

Expect respect....and give it too.
Don't start arguments that aren't necessary, but stand your ground when it's important.
Don't put your husband down in front of friends and family, it really hurts them and is demoralising.
If you want love and understanding you need to give it too.
The more I do for my husband the more he does for me (I don't think he realises that yet).
Refuse to be treated like a doormat.
Have plenty of "me" time and let him have his.