Thanksgiving is still a month away and I already want to just cancel it and order a pizza. 
Or have someone kidnap my MIL until next year.
Some of you probably remember my MIL drama with Easter and now my MIL is starting it again. 
Long story short she was a PITA. Enough of one that I told my husband I will never cook a holiday meal that she is invited to, he's welcome to invite them over and cook for them but I'm not helping him even with cleanup.
Well Thanksgiving came up a few days ago and my MIL tried to pretend that she didn't know that the SIL wasn't having a meal for the entire family, I made a point of talking to the SIL directly so I know better. I told my MIL that we are planning a day for just the four of us, I'm trying to be tactful and not start a fight by telling her that she isn't welcome. I will if I have to but I'd just rather keep things civil. Even after I said that she told me she was going to talk to my FIL and see if he wanted to have dinner at my house. 
The next day I talked to her and she had talked to her SIL about doing an open house so everyone can go visit my husband's paternal grandma.
She told me that she wants them to have it from 12-2:30 that afternoon, it won't be a meal because her SIL refuses to cook that much when she can't be sure that everyone is going to eat. I pointed out that since it isn't a meal that isn't a good time since that's when people often eat their holiday meals. Even if people all agree to have their meal later someone is going to need to stay behind to do some cooking during that time period. So she got all pissy at me about what I thought a good time would be, my thought is sometime after 3pm so people are done eating. She was mad about that and was greatly exaggerating what I had said, she told me she was going to tell her SIL that I said after 6pm.
I didn't say what I was really thinking about that and it's that with the grandma's energy level they might be better off doing something a day or two later, I'm sure my MIL would have flipped.
Then she accused me of just not wanting to do the big family meal because I was planning one for my family. She did shut up about that when I pointed out that the SIL had said she wasn't doing one so I had to plan something.
I did do Thanksgiving at home last year because I feel that we should start our own traditions and my husband's grandma is frail so I figured that the family meals would not last forever. I wasn't expecting them to end so soon and I wasn't planning to do our own meal for every holiday until they ended.
My MIL also got upset at me when I made a comment about the aunt having a meal for just her family. She told me that her SIL would serve anyone who showed up, that might explain why she went to her SIL's first for Easter and ate there so she hardly touched the food at my house. But I know her SIL was not happy that she did that and just didn't know what to do when they showed up for the meal.
Part of the problem with people showing up is that my husband's family seems to think nothing of expecting those of us with young children to go to multiple houses on the holidays. Of course that means that my FIL and his siblings can just go to one house while all the cousins have to travel all over. On Christmas for example we are always expected to show up at my MIL's and the SIL's and we have it easy compared to some of the cousins because we don't live by my family or my MIL's family. Pluse my MIL wants us at her house on Christmas Eve for a meal. Thanksgiving has never been quite so busy for us, most years my MIL expects us at her house the night before for a meal so we aren't going to a bunch of different places in one day.
The few times we go to my famiy for a holiday my MIL says that she understands but her tone of voice and little comments give her feelings away. In a way I can understand because my husband is her only living child and we have her only two grandkids, that's part of why I try to keep things civil.
She is also still unhappy from a few years ago when I convinced my husband to have a cold meal at home on Christmas and just go say hi to his family. It was a compromise since we never went anywhere on Christmas and my mother refused to cook because she wanted to play with us instead. I had told him that every other year he could opt to have a hot meal with his extended family but he liked my way enough that when his turn came he wanted to do the same thing. I regularly get little nasty comments about that one. It isn't like we stopped going to his parents after the kids had presents at home for Christmas morning or that we stopped going for the Christmas Eve meal so I don't know what she's so unhappy about.
Before helpful hints come in to keep the family meal going my husband's grandma gets tired really easy so someone else hosting the meal isn't an option. The holidays used to be divided up among the SILs who live in the area until my husband's grandpa started to decline, after his death there was only a year or so that they went back to that before the grandma started to go downhill and the daughter who lives with her started doing all the meals again.
Sorry for the book but I needed to get that out. 
If your MIL wants everyone in tarnation to get together for a big family meal, why doesn't she cook and host the darn thing? 
My MIL gets on my nerves, too. I won't cook for my IL anymore, either. DH likes to cook, so he is welcome to cook for them, but I won't do it anymore.
I'm not sure what we're doing for TG this year. It's actually my favorite holiday, but has become way too stressful of late. It's an 8 hour drive up to my parents' home and my sister and her 4 boys live with them. It's just too crazy there to have a relaxing, enjoyable meal. I'm thinking we might just have a small meal here at our house for the 2 of us.
Honestly, just put your foot down with your MIL. Determine what you are doing and don't let her change your mind. If she brings up the subject, bean dip her. If she wants to pout about it, that's her problem.
Oh don't EVEN get me started on this topic!! 
But now that I'm started ....... !
If your MIL wants everyone in tarnation to get together for a big family meal, why doesn't she cook and host the darn thing?
Big-a$$ "AMEN"!
I had a mom like this. As we all started to get married and have extended families, planning holidays, as you all know, became a little more involved. She'd sit back in her "company voice" and tell us "you guys just plan whatever you want to do!" but god help us if we didn't do what SHE wanted to do and the guessing game was on!
The only smart thing I'll give my ex-husband credit for was when he suggested that we have the kids on Thanksgiving Day and he would take them Thanksgiving Friday. That way, he could make a meal just for them and he could spend the whole day with them, too, instead of juggling visitation between 2, 3 or even 4 families!
So 20+ years ago, we made it CLEAR that since Thanksgiving was the only holiday we didn't have to share with an ex-husband, we were not sharing it with anyone. It became our favorite family holiday with just the 4 of us, and now that the kids are grown and getting married, with our kids, kids-in-law, and grandchildren.
We are also ademant that we, as grandparents, will go to our married children's homes because it's just nuts to pull the little kids away from all the toys that Santa brought them, just so they can hang out with some boring old people! Sorry, but grandparents who insist everyone come to their house on Xmas are just selfish and controlling (health issues excepted, of course).
Our attitude is "traditions start somewhere" and it's never wrong to say you're going to build your own family traditions.
My children first ..... everyone else is on a waiting list.
If you don't like it, allow me to bend over to make it easier for you to kiss my big white a$$!
Every October I start getting stressed, have anxiety, because the holidays are coming. I do remember your Easter drama last year. I have no advice for you, but I do sympathize. MY mom is the crazy one that we have to deal with. We have to go to my paternal grandma's house (who has demetia, is 86, and should not be hosting/preparing a huge meal for 30 people) then go to my other grandparents' house. It is a lot of running around to have 2 small children and be away from home.
Hang in there!
If your MIL wants everyone in tarnation to get together for a big family meal, why doesn't she cook and host the darn thing?
Because no one will show up, especially the one person she really wants, her MIL. The other SIL who lives in the area tried that at Easter and the only people who came were her kids and my in-laws stopped to say hi. The SIL who my husband's grandma lives with wasn't trying to be nasty but her mother didn't even make it through the whole meal before needing to go lay down so she was too tired to even go say hi at the other place.
I also have determined what I'm doing and I told my husband that if she tries to invite herself HE gets to go tell her that they aren't welcome in whatever way he wants before Thanksgiving. I figure that when we have issues with my parents I deal with it so it's his job when it's his mom.
I know that my husband isn't going to opt to cook so he can invite them, he can but it isn't something he really enjoys doing. His plans for the day include "helping" by playing video games with the kids while I cook. 
I personally don't have any strong attachment to Thanksgiving, I only get excited about it because that means the day after I can get out all my Christmas stuff. It takes me a weekend to get everything up because I have so much stuff and I hardly ever turn my overhead lights on during December in the living room because I have so much stuff lit up. That's my favorite holiday.
Every year we have dinner at my grandmothers house (we have about 50 people there for the holidays)...I know I can't cook like her and I don't know anyone else that can make a better fried turkey. Anyway, my son has 6 living grandmothers (2 of which live out of town) and it is a mission to try and go visit everyone in that one day. They want to see him and get pictures because he's the first grand for my mom & MIL and the first great grand for my grandparents and the first great great grand for my great grandparents. Well my mom is always at my grandmothers house so we kill 2 birds with one stone right there...but after we finish eating, find a comfy spot on the couch & we get to talking and when we get up the strength we start dancing and having a good time and I forget about the others. My husbands mom cooks also but I hate going to her house because its always super hot (she doesn't use her AC) and I hate the area that she lives in. But I can't make my husband go to dinner with my family and we not visit his. Then I have my other grandmother (my dads mom) she really gets pissy if I don't visit...its just too much for me because I don't get along with my dad and he's always there and that just kills my holiday spirit.
I've told my husband that I want to cook dinner at our house and just stay there and eat, relax and he can watch whatever game is on. Now I have to think about my son because all of his cousins are at my grandmothers house and of course he does not want to stay couped up in the house while everyone else is around the corner having fun. The holidays are always challenging for us because we have to try to divide our time between 4 different houses and its just not enough time in the day. So sorry to hijack your thread mbelgard...but I feel your pain!
We are also ademant that we, as grandparents, will go to our married children's homes because it's just nuts to pull the little kids away from all the toys that Santa brought them, just so they can hang out with some boring old people! Sorry, but grandparents who insist everyone come to their house on Xmas are just selfish and controlling (health issues excepted, of course).
That's my parents' take on it too. They would kill us if we went down to their house for Christmas, we were told when our oldest was little that they did not expect us to travel the 6 hours to spend the holiday with them. Once our youngest is in his teens we might think about it but it isn't a priority.
They came up with a good solution for our family, we celebrate the holiday in mid to late January when as many as possible can make it. We pick a weekend that will work for everyone and then we all get to see each other and have a good time. It also gives people the chance to take advantage of sales after the holiday, I know my mom waits to pick up most of the candy and stuff until it's on clearence.
My mother still won't cook a big meal, we have stuff to make sandwiches, fruit, chips and stuff that can be done ahead so no one is stuck in the kitchen and my mom can play with her grandkids. My grandparents show up for a little bit to see everyone and last year my mom got smart and rented the Senior Center because her house had gotten too crowded, while my grandparents are there we number 17 adults and 10 children.
When we go to my MIL's for Christmas morning we aren't there more than 90 minutes, it's just to open presents and say hi, I won't stay longer and everyone knows it. If we lived further away I'd refuse but we live less than two miles from them. I'd also rather just have presents with them Christmas Eve but I feel like I can't get everything my way and the boys do like going over because Santa comes there too.
I think you have the right attitude....it's your DH's mother, let him handle this.
Maybe they could stop over your house later in the day to have a dessert together.
You're all welcome to come to my house for Thanksgiving.....my CRAZY A$$ in-laws will all be here and I need some sanity to get me through the day! 
The best way to deal with irritating relatives on Thanksgiving is to buy a little hip flask and fill it with Crown royal. Make sure you aren't the one cooking, and take enough little nips that you have to have a nap when it's time for the cleanup. It sounds mean but I bring enough stuff for the Thanksgiving meal that I've already done my work in the several days preceeding Thanksgiving.
Last year I refused to do the family gathering thing. I told them I was taking the year off. I didn't tell them but it was because Thanksgiving is a celebration of having a year of plenty and we didn't, and my mom kept showing up for dinner when we didn't have enough food, and then demanding enough to take home to my dad and sister, and we didn't want to tell her we were that bad off so we'd hand over the food and just eat bread for dinner. And my sister kept asking for cakes and not paying me enough for the ingredients, further increasing our grocery woes. So last year when I refused to get together with them, it was my way of proving to myself that I could stand up to them and not get pushed around anymore. My sister and my mom showed up about 2pm on Thanksgiving and said they were there to take me and the kids to my mom's house. I didn't want to argue on the doorstep so I brought them in and showed them the turkey in the oven and how nicely the kids had set the table, and sent them home again. It felt so good avoiding the annual migraine and iffy turkey that I called in sick on Christmas...told them I had a migraine and we only went over there for half an hour, got our presents, and went home
It's nice to have your own traditions. The big family meal is all right, unless there are people in the family who have to make a huge deal of it. Every year, my youngest sister cusses us all our and then goes outside and screams. She does it regardless of whose house we're gathered at. It was so nice last year not having to deal with that, having a drama-free meal, and having enough leftovers that we took plates to DH's coworkers who had to work during the mealtime and the people working at the corner store.
I remember all that drama!!
My only advice (which is easier said than done, of course) is to plan whatever is best for your immediate family. If that includes any other family because you want them there then great. If not, too bad for them. Eat when you want to eat. Travel where you want to go and when you want to go. Figure out what is the best case, least stressful scenario for you and try and plan that.
Then, since it is his mother, make DH tell her the plan and make it clear that you are NOT changing it.
If it comes up again (which you know it will, about a thousand times) repeat what you are doing once and then change the topic or end the conversation.
Do not offer advice on what the rest of the family should do. That just opens up the door to people trying to change your plans.
This is obviously a control issue for MIL. Stand firm and show her that you are in control of your life and family and if she doesn't like it, tough sh$t!
And if all else fails, try a little (or a lot) of rum in the egg nog
Sorry mbelgard that u have to go through all of that. My mil was a great cook, baker and she did everything so perfect. She always told me to do things her way. I would get mad at her when she would point out not to do it like that. Anyways, she did teach me alot. She has passed on, but I so miss her and her great cooking and baking. Again, sorry that u have all of that drama...It is sad that some mil's have to be like that...
Wow - how lucky are we over here - we don't have Thanksgiving - so no giving or cooking for the *thankless* hoards.
Baffles me how people are treated by family members - one wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from strangers - yet they put up with it from those closet to them - family.
Make a stand - stick to your guns and if the *family* don't like it - then let them do all the planning, cooking, shopping, washing up, yadda yadda yadda.
I solved the problem years ago regarding Christmas.
I do the *Christmas Day thing* 2 weeks before .
Then on Christmas Day it is JUST DH and i and children - no ifs, no buts - Its our day when the kids come over.
And if the *family* don't like it - too bad.
Thats what happens in this house -
Works for us - and we are 
on Christmas Day.
No stress, no , no , no 
-
Works for us.
Bluehue.
Since acquiring my MIL, I've started a lovely Thanksgiving tradition. Before she arrives, I start drinking Mimosas (for you non-drinkers that's orange juice and champagne), and I keep drinking until she leaves.
Now when she wants to have that icky cranberry stuff that stays in the shape of the can, and her gross sweet potatoes with marshmallows, I just float along and say, "Okay, whatever makes you happy."
I'm serious. I like her much better when I'm a little drunk. Heck, I like my DH better on Thanksgiving when I'm a little drunk. He tends to turn into a jacka$$ on the holidays. I think his holidays never really met the impossible standard he had in his head of how he thought they should turn out, so he's always a crab. I just ignore them all because Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday and by damn I'm going to enjoy it no matter what.
Since acquiring my MIL, I've started a lovely Thanksgiving tradition. Before she arrives, I start drinking Mimosas (for you non-drinkers that's orange juice and champagne), and I keep drinking until she leaves.
Now when she wants to have that icky cranberry stuff that stays in the shape of the can, and her gross sweet potatoes with marshmallows, I just float along and say, "Okay, whatever makes you happy."
I'm serious. I like her much better when I'm a little drunk. Heck, I like my DH better on Thanksgiving when I'm a little drunk. He tends to turn into a jacka$$ on the holidays. I think his holidays never really met the impossible standard he had in his head of how he thought they should turn out, so he's always a crab. I just ignore them all because Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday and by damn I'm going to enjoy it no matter what.
Thats the spirit - 
Now when she wants to have that icky cranberry stuff that stays in the shape of the can That sounds rather frightening -
At least we know that someONE will be enjoying their Thanksgiving - 
Bluehue
These situations are why Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only times of the year that I don't mind being 4,000 miles away from my family!!!
Good luck to all of you who have to walk this mine-strewn field.
I think his holidays never really met the impossible standard he had in his head of how he thought they should turn out, so he's always a crab. I
I think this is the problem of most people. They're looking for Norman Rockwell in a Jerry Springer family!
Since acquiring my MIL, I've started a lovely Thanksgiving tradition. Before she arrives, I start drinking Mimosas (for you non-drinkers that's orange juice and champagne), and I keep drinking until she leaves.
This would work for me had I not made a vow to never drink again dammit
We had really really bad in-law sh*t--they are gone now--God rest their souls. It's just so ironic that what should be the most pleasant days of the year are the absolute worst and dreaded like the plague. sigh
Now I'm not trying to get anyone hooked on pills either but if you are not a drinker--valerian is an over the counter herb that has been used for centuries. Walgreen's stopped carrying it but like GNC & the big vitamin places have it, online too I'm sure.
So I take one or two when I need a tranquilizer type thing. Works great. Got me through three weeks of staying by Mom's side in CCU, etc. It's also used as a sleep aid. If I'm seriously upset, it works great to take the edge off. No side effects I know of.
Just a ~since we are unsuccessful at the 'can't we all just get along'~ thought for you.
I mean it's nice to have a 'go to' when you need a tranquilizer and you don't wanna get a prescription or some heavy duty ass kicker pill thing. Hey, Merry Christmas too.
If your MIL wants everyone in tarnation to get together for a big family meal, why doesn't she cook and host the darn thing?
Because no one will show up, especially the one person she really wants, her MIL.,
.
But that's her problem, not yours, so who cares?
I'd just go check into a hotel that day and order room service. Stay out of range. I can't even keep track of who's mad at who in your situation, it wouldn't be worth it to me to stay involved in that kind of mess.
I'm going to buy a bottle of valerian today. Thanks for the suggestion.
I'm going to buy a bottle of valerian today. Thanks for the suggestion.
You are so welcome. {high five}
It's just so ironic that what should be the most pleasant days of the year are the absolute worst and dreaded like the plague.
I never had to deal with this in my own family and that's maybe why it bothers me so much.
My dad was in the Army so we were rarely by relatives for holidays and once he retired and we were by my grandparents we still didn't have the stress.
My dad's mom announced when we moved back that she had no intention of having a holiday meal with us because my cousins were so used to having her at theirs. Since my dad and his sister don't get along we were never invited and my parents had no objections to that so there wasn't anyone upset over that. We always saw my grandma on holidays because we lived on the same piece of property but there were no expectations of meals or anything.
My mom's parents are understanding so if someone couldn't make a holiday or opted to stay home that was fine with them, no guilt trips or drama. They are really nice and understand that some people want to do their own thing but maybe that's why everyone who lives in the area still gathers for even minor things like Halloween and Valentine's parties for the children if they want to or have time.
"mbelgard"
I never had to deal with this in my own family and that's maybe why it bothers me so much.
My dad was in the Army so we were rarely by relatives for holidays and once he retired and we were by my grandparents we still didn't have the stress.
My dad's mom announced when we moved back that she had no intention of having a holiday meal with us because my cousins were so used to having her at theirs. Since my dad and his sister don't get along we were never invited and my parents had no objections to that so there wasn't anyone upset over that. We always saw my grandma on holidays because we lived on the same piece of property but there were no expectations of meals or anything.
My mom's parents are understanding so if someone couldn't make a holiday or opted to stay home that was fine with them, no guilt trips or drama. They are really nice and understand that some people want to do their own thing but maybe that's why everyone who lives in the area still gathers for even minor things like Halloween and Valentine's parties for the children if they want to or have time.[/
I know (it is) absolutley crazy. Beyond insane. So debilitating. So hurtful. It grinds down your life and your children's. Why why why why why. I'm still trying to hear the answer .... and you survive that year and hey, here we again--how do you get off the blodody roller coaster like one big lemon zester cutting & being cut deeper and deeper & no way to get off like a cheap Stephen King story--sorry to be so graphic.
I wish I had handled it different but the only thing I think I coulda done was do everything their way and hey I'm a mother and have a family too. I don't know. I'm relieved that it ended... but I'm not glad they're gone either. It's quite a dichotomy--quite a twist you in two (directions at once) still yet.
Here's one thing I can say --try to minimize the damage as much as possible. If you can figure out how to do that.
I'm going to buy a bottle of valerian today. Thanks for the suggestion.
You are so welcome. {high five}
Before taking ANY herbal supplement, discuss it with your doctor or at least your pharmacist to make sure it doesn't have any interactions with any medications you are currently taking or any adverse affects for any medical conditions you may have!
we're avoiding all the drama this year by going to a homeless shelter.....everyone that wants to eat at MY house is gonna go serve the homeless for the day, and eat with them too...so come along!!! Needless to say, everyone else declined....seems that having EVERYONE together isn't quite as important as they made it out to be. Regardless my Dh and my kids and I are going to have a ball and we'll come back and maybe if I feel like it I'll toss a turkey breast in the oven the day before and some sides so we can enjoy leftovers for a couple days afterwards.
Oh, we just informed the kids that instead of getting presents this year (since they have broken or lost just about everything they got last year) that we are going to go back to the same homeless shelter and give away presents to the kids there, the presents that would have gone to them. Not one of my kids flinched, they all agreed it was fair!! Poor things, I still haven't told them that they would still get something! lol They're such great kids sometimes, you forget how unselfish kids can be until you say something like that to them and realize that their reaction is genuine!
Here's hoping for a drama free holiday for all!!!! 
That's a good call.
I found online that if you are pregnant or have liver problems are the only reservations.
I mean a friend of mine was going through a terrible time and got an anti-depressant from a doctor--had to be watched to see if they got suicidal from it. Came up with nasty psoriasis from the medication. All under the doctor's care.
So in my experience, I am my best doctor. I take into account my doctor's recommendations but...I do what I think is best. I'm not especially enamored with the medical profession as a whole. I do like my doc but he doesn't care if I take supplements as needed and he does not prescribe them either. He'd prescribe something much more powerful if I asked for something.
What I'm saying is that valerian is one of the lowest on the totem pole--it's over the counter. Been used for centuries.
K8 how does it mix with bourbon?
Mike
Gotta test that out--bourbon is next prioroty--right after rum & coke.
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