My Husband Loves His Mother More Than Me (Long)

Lounge By Mug-a-Bug Updated 19 Sep 2009 , 12:09am by indydebi

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Mug-a-Bug Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 3:28pm
post #1 of 11

Okay, not really, but this situation is getting really out of hand. My husband's parents just moved about an hour away from us (a year ago) icon_cry.gif Her expectations of us are WAY too high. My husband travels for work about 50% of the time and he is in school as well. He's very handy around the house and his mother has no problems taking FULL advantage of it! thumbsdown.gif He has been gone all week and comes home on Friday. They have volunteered him to sod their lawn on Saturday (his dad will help). He has to leave again on Monday, so we will only see eachother one day because he will be busy sodding on Saturday. He will likely be busy on Sunday doing homework and getting ready to leave again the next day. icon_mad.gif He has done lots of other work on their house (it was a dump when they moved in a year ago). I'm SO frustrated that she would even have the nerve to ask!!

She always calls as soon as he arives home (calls his phone then calls my phone - then calls his phone again.) If he answers it's usually a very long conversation. If he doesn't we will for sure get more calls the next morning. It's so exhausting. She wants us to get together every weekend or at least every other weekend. My husband's excuse is that she just misses our son (one year old). She is a wonderful grandmother to him, but never volunteers to babysit and let us see a movie or anything like that. She stays home and so do I and she doesn't come to visit him during the week.

Sorry about the long rant. My husband is very passive and doesn't want to say anything. It is causing strife in our marriage and I'm begginning to resent both of them. I'm more than comfortable saying something to her but hubby would be mad at me for it. SIGH icon_cry.gif I've asked him many many times to say something and he won't. I think he thinkis I'm being selfish. icon_confused.gif

Thanks for reading.

10 replies
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margaretb Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 4:22pm
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I have no good advice for you, but that's crap. I can share this -- my husband is a welder, so all the neighbours around here are forever getting him to come and weld for them (they are farmers, so something is always broken). When our first son was born, he would leave before we were awake, come home around 6 for about 15 minutes - basically just long enough to bring in his stuff and use the washroom -- then go to the neighbours and help them out. He wouldn't get home until around 10 and then he wanted to go to bed. He saw the neighbours kids WAY more than he saw our baby. I was so angry about it! And so I've never had bedtimes for my kids (have them now because of school), because honestly, if I had been putting them to bed at 8, they would have seen their dad once a month. And this is him living at home.

I would tell you to start making family plans for the Saturdays he is home (e.g. taking your baby to the zoo or museum or park or whatever), but if he's like my husband, your husband will take a miss on those and go to his parents anyway.

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WendyB Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 5:09pm
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Don't wait for your MIL to offer to sit with the baby -- ask her. She might be happy to do it if you'd only ask.

Can you afford to pay to have the tasks done for the in-laws? If the time is more important to you than the money that would be a way to get your hubby back?.

Final thought: You're mad at your husband right now so how much worse would it really be if he were mad at you for trying to do something about all this?

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Texas_Rose Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 5:39pm
post #4 of 11

From the other side of things, here's my story.

My parents live in town. My mother made me work pretty hard when I lived in her house...I did all of the cooking and laundry, plus taking care of the yard and responsible for getting my sisters dressed and fed every morning, and cleaning the whole house Saturdays. She got mad and kicked me out when I was 18. I don't think she realized how much I did...they started eating TV dinners every night, quit making my sisters take baths and quit cutting their yard (to the point that they got fined by code compliance). Anyhow, every time I had a day off they wanted me to go over and help them out. Once I got married, they thought that meant that they had gained another slave. We'd go over and spend our whole day off working, then they'd tell us to go home at dinner time. We lived across town, but my mother expected us to go and pick my sisters up from school whenever we had a day off.

My husband put his foot down about the whole thing. He pointed out that we weren't getting gas money for the errands we ran for my parents, we weren't getting any time together, we weren't even getting to eat dinner there when I had been cooking all day over there. So he refused to go, and from then on it was just me. I would go over and do things like install a toilet or paint a room, or take all their drapes down and wash and iron them, then hang them back up. When I was working, my sisters and my parents weren't doing anything...sisters would be playing in their rooms, dad on the internet, mom on the phone.

This continued until we had kids, and then I would usually only end up there one day a month. I still thought that I owed my parents and didn't realize it was weird for me to be doing that much over there. Then I ended up with a bunch of neighbors who took advantage of me and that's when I realized that my mother was doing the same thing.

Now when she goes on about how much there is to do there and how she can't do any of it because she's so busy, I suggest she call someone. But it took me a long time to cut the cord, and to realize that just because my mom was my mom didn't mean that she wasn't taking advantage of me. She still loves me, she just doesn't get to use me the way she did. It always created problems between my husband and myself when he complained about how they were using me and the time that I spent over there. I really didn't realize it wasn't a normal, expected thing that everyone did for their parents until I had the neighbor issues.

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tatorchip Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 7:43pm
post #5 of 11

I am so sorry Texas_Rose, I should have never opened my big mouth on the other post you had. I didn't know the whole story and I am really sorry.

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LaBellaFlor Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 8:13pm
post #6 of 11

As Texas-Rose gave an example of, family will use you quicker then a stranger. I had a similiar problem. My husband knows me pretty well, so I told him, you handle it or I WILL, pick. Your husband is wrong. I just hate this type of situations in marriages. I'm not the perfect Christian, but let me tell you this, God has very specific rules on how a married couple is supposed to be, and no one comes before the other. That means not your frineds, not your family, not your parents, not even your kids come before the two of you. A lot of people let these other relationships come before their spouse and thats why you see the peoblems that we see in marriages. You really need to sit down and lay down the law. It won't get better until you guys make it better & he has to want to make that happen. This will in time put your marriage at risk. You have to talk to him. I pray he respects your feelings & you guys can resolve this.

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Texas_Rose Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 8:19pm
post #7 of 11
Originally Posted by tatorchip

I am so sorry Texas_Rose, I should have never opened my big mouth on the other post you had. I didn't know the whole story and I am really sorry.

Hey, don't worry about it icon_smile.gif You didn't say anything out of line at all. Sometimes I just have to do a reality check to see how things work in other families because mine's so weird icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

Anyhow, I just wanted the OP to see how her DH might not realize that it was weird to spend so much time helping his parents...I think of myself as fairly sensible but I never realized.

My sisters both live out of town now, I think because they don't want the family drama.

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tatorchip Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 8:40pm
post #8 of 11

oh good, thank you for that Texas_Rose

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Mug-a-Bug Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 8:51pm
post #9 of 11

Update: I sent hubby an email this morning telling him how out-of-line his mom is and that I definately won't be accompanying him over there. I wasn't angry, just matter of fact. He replied and said I was right and he would tell her we aren't coming. icon_eek.gif Yay. Now I just have to make sure that actually happens. He has a way of beating around the bush with these types of things.

Thanks for all the comments thumbs_up.gif

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Pookie59 Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 9:32pm
post #10 of 11

As they say, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. But even grown kids want to please their parents and some moms are especially good at putting their kids on guilt trips. Really the moms who pull these stunts are being selfish. Married children need to put their spouses and their children first. Mom and Dad need to get a life of their own and quit driving their kids balmy.

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indydebi Posted 19 Sep 2009 , 12:09am
post #11 of 11

I find it amazing when grown adults still act like little kids when mommy calls on the phone.

My daughter and I were talking about this just the other day. She's 32. I was telling her that after a certain point, there is no longer a parent-child relationship. It's and adult-adult relationship. Our children are grown, married, have jobs and families of their own.

Cut the cord. Now. Don't let that guilt thing eat at you. There's a reason I live 75 miles away. I chose not to allow that toxicity in my life. Hubby and I frequently talk about how fortunate we are to have realized that and made that decision years ago. We know our marriage would have suffered had we allowed (yes, ALLOWED) that toxicity to infiltrate our lives.

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