I don't have kids of my own and don't really want them--which a lot of people think is really funny because I desperately want to be a teacher. (I explain it, "That way, I can give them BACK at the end of the day!") I also drive a school bus, and I have found that children generally live up to expectations. If you expect them to behave in a certain fashion, good OR bad, they will. Not perfectly, of course, but overall. Unfortunately, there are enough people who live with the eternal expectation that their children will misbehave that it's fairly extensive as a problem.

That said, I think that with the original post, there are two things that should have been done. #1 is, of course, that Mama should have been keeping a closer eye on sonny boy, especially after he got at the cake the first time. #2 is that the organizers of the party should have arranged for that cake to be placed somewhere that was out of reach of the under-ten club. When I did a cake for a first birthday party, a regular table was used, but when I set the cake up, I moved all the chairs away from that table and commented to the organizers that the fewer people that "sat near" the cake, the safer the cake would be. They all blinked, nodded, and moved chairs off to another table quite cheerfully.

Honestly, though, as a hostess, I do think about the under-ten set when I plan a party. I've noticed that most of the trouble kids get into comes out of boredom, so whether it's a back-yard barbeque or a fancy reception-style party, my family makes sure there are activities and toys for the children to play with, and that the children know early on what is and is not available for them. Since instituting this policy, we've had nary a broken knickknack, and the dollar store loves us. ....unfortunately, we still get scared cats crowding under the beds, but hey, you can't have EVERYTHING!

It IS distressing when something you've worked very hard on is messed up by a child. But - I really don't get blaming the parents for the action of the child. It's not always the parents' fault. Sometimes the kids is just a little monster and no amount of parenting is going to change that! Any normal person who has kids knows that you cannot possibly watch them 24/7. To those of you who say you do, I say, "Then what are you doing on the computer?"

I am saddened by a lot of the responses and the way so many people just jump on the bandwagon. I am curious as to the age of the child. If it was a 2 year old, you are being extremely harsh, if it was a 5 year old I think it is fair to be frustrated. I totally get that it is upsetting when someone does something to a thing you have worked very hard on and are very proud of. But at the same time, you have to realise that children are learning how to behave and are mighty quick sometimes! Anyone who has tried desperately to swat their 1 or 2 year olds hand away from the candle on the birthday cake only to be too slow by miliseconds knows that watching your child doesn't always mean preventing things.

I will never understand why adults who have a full set of social and adaptive skills fail to make allowances for young children who are still learning these skills. Children are not mini adults with the same cognitive abilities. They learn through their social interactions and driving children out of social situations does not help them learn how to behave appropriately. It takes a lot of work to teach children how to behave well and it sometimes means being the Mum who has the screaming child in the shops (who you are desperately trying to quieten) when teaching your child that they cannot have their own way by acting out. If you stick to your guns, within several visits you have a well behaved child - but you can't get to the good behaviour without navigating through the bad situations.

I remember when I took my son to visit a friend who had a newborn. He was about 11 months at the time and inquistive as toddlers are. I didn't yell at him or tell him off, I just moved the breakables out of the way and at the end of visit I put everything back. I don't see the sense in yelling at him constantly for something he is not able to yet comprehend - it just stresses everyone out. Her friend gave a constant commentary on parenting and I left really frustrated and upset. We caught up a year later and my friend couldn't stop gushing about how wonderful and well behaved my son was. At one point she asked how I turned his behaviour around since he was 'so naughty last tiime'. I stopped her then and there and said "No. He was never naughty. He was a one year old and he acted like a one year old. You can't expect more of a one year old than what they are capable of." I also told her that I thought her friend had either lied about her parenting or had extremely downtrodden children. She admitted to me that she'd actually had to ask her friend to stop abusing and putting down her children (the friend's children) in front of her.

I discipline my children and reinforce good behaviour constantly and everywhere I go I am complimented on how beautifully behaved my children are but I do it by giving them heaps of social experiences and not expecting more than what they are capable of. In fact, when I needed a blood test, I asked my 2 year old to look after my 1 year old. They sat together in the chair opposite me and he held her hand and reassured her the entire time and neither of them moved the entire time I was being attended to. Adults need to stop being so self-serving when children are around. I don't mind if someone's child misbehaves when they're at my house - I do mind if they are violent/cruel and I do mind if their parents don't discipline (saying that the behaviour is not appropriate is fine for my peace of mind, as long as the child knows that what they did was inappropriate). I do have one set of friends with genuine brats and we don't see a lot of them anymore because they don't discipline their kids.

As for bringing children to showers, there are a lot of Mums-to-be who like having the kids at their showers. I would have been so upset if my sister left my niece at home from my shower. If you know that you genuinely have bratty kids that you can't control, then I do think you should make arrangements if you think they will wreck an event. Like another poster, I would have made my child apologise to you if they had done it. By all means charge for the repair - it wasn't your fault and you shouldn't be out of pocket, but in this case, I don't think you gained anything by sniping since it was for your family member and it only served to make the event uncomfortable for the guest of honour - unless she was annoyed by that child being there (in which case you probably made her day!). It costs nothing to be gracious even when you don't feel like it.

There's a HUGE difference beween moving bric-a-brac out of a child's reach and keeping a child away from a cake on a food table at a social gathering. If the cake had been next to hot coffee, wouldn't the parents have kept the kid away from it? Whose fault would it have been if the child got burned? The child in the original story touched the cake TWICE, not once. The parents should have prevented the second incident without fail. The first incident should have opened their eyes.
And yes, parents MUST watch their kids all the time, especially when they're not on their home turf. Set and enforce boundaries. The kid and parents do not know the dangers lurking in unfamiliar territory. Their own home is a relatively controlled environment.
As for comment about children who are little monsters who will not respond to parenting....good luck with the teen years.

annacakes,
I was so mad at that guy because I had baked all the cookies. I said --really loud so his wife could hear--"Hey, who's eating all the Hershey's kisses off the cookies?" just as he took another one. She glared at him, then went over and talked privately to him. It wasn't pretty. She was mortified. As I said, their kids were well-behaved.

LOL ALL normal children are little monsters at one point or another! Except that little girl in "The Bad Seed". She was wonderfully mannered and perfect in every way. She was also a psychopathic serial killer. But I digress.
As to the teen years and my projected problem with them -- I have seven children and have gotten six of them through the teen years. Oddly enough, even though I'm pretty sure I am their actual parent and I haven't changed appreciably over the years, they are all extremely different. A couple of them could be taken to a shower and would have behaved like little angels. A couple of them probably wouldn't have stopped with one finger in the cake - there would have been additional body parts involved.
I've known children who were raised exquisitely by helicopter moms who did everything they were supposed to do and the kid was still on drugs and pregnant by 15. Then there are the kids who come from the most hellish backgrounds imaginable and still achieve great success in life.
Parenthood is a crapshoot. We're not raising robots - we're raising people!


M

I never bring my girl (almost 3) to showers unless the party planner invites me to do so! But, I will say we always have a nice little chit chat in the car before we go in. The rule is she can look at anything she wants with her eyes, but NOT WITH HER HANDS!

When she was about 1 and a half, we had a group of people follow her around a gift shop b/c she had her hands behind her back and was looking closely at everything! They couldn't believe that she wouldn't touch it! Of course, I expect her to behave well--and she knows if she doesn't, Momma always has a spanking spoon in her bag!

I would have been upset too.
Twice is rediculious and to make you come back to fix it!? I would have said something too.

Now this is a bit off topic but there was a time my son stuck his fingers in the icing and I didn't have a problem with it.

Someone had brought a cake for my grandmother to her birthday party, my son was helping us in the kitchen and eyeing the cake. My grandmother asked if he wanted to try the icing and they both (and a few of the adults) had a taste. Well the lady who made the cake came in a was very upset and left the kitchen. Honestly we all laughted after she left.
The cake was to EAT, it was not being displayed, it was my grandmothers cake and she's the one who wanted to try the icing.
If she wants to share a taste of icing off her cake with her great grandson then she should.

Melnick, I agree. It's absoultely acceptable to expect a child to learn to be respectful but one also has to realize their limitations. No 2 year old, no matter how good, is going to be able to resist certain temptations. If they could, there'd be no use for outlet plugs, locks on knife drawers and out of reach medicine cabinets.

I work in medicine and see kids most days of the week. I agree with the OP who said children behave as they are expected. Kids are teachable. Not all parents are. That said, some of the replies here seem a bit harsh. That could be the very reason that moms are quick to give their kids what they want in public...they're hoping to avoid the other moms who look at them and shake their fingers in disgust.

A year or so ago, my then three year old daughter, started acting up in a store. I gave her one warning. When she didn't change her behavior, she got a time out in the middle of the produce aisle. There she sat, yelling and crying. There I sat, watching her but giving no other attention. A grandma walked by me and congratulated me for being willing to keep up punishment outside of my home. I'm quite sure the rest of the shoppers didn't appreciate it. So who's right?

I'd also like to give some input on baby showers. It's never made sense to me why children wouldn't be welcomed at an event intended to welcome a new child. So the baby gets a big party but once they shoot out, they're not included? Makes no sense to me.

I LOVE this sign:

OMG. Love the sign. Thats a big problem now days it seems everywhere I go the parents aren't watching their kids. Everyone gets on to me relax and take a break from constantly watching my own. Sorry No. I watch them like a hawk.

I went to a baby shower tonight for three of my husband's cousins. When I arrived, the first question was, "Where are the girls?" Apparently I was expected to bring my two daughters, ages 3 and 1, even though they were not listed on the invitation. And as I smiled and said, "They're at home," all I could think about was this thread!

I understand both sides of the debate. Sometimes it's hard enough to deal with my own children, let alone everybody else's! Children do not always behave the way they have been taught. Sometimes I am the one with the screaming children, or the children who will not sit still, or the children who break things in other people's homes. And sometimes I am the one listening to the screaming and thinking, "I'm just glad it's not mine!". But when it is one (or both) of mine, I am SO grateful to receive a kind smile of understanding or words of encouragement from those who have been through it before. Please be patient with us mothers! Of course there are bad parents out there, just as there are bad dentists, or bad mechanics, or even bad cake decorators! But most of us are doing our best. And remember, they are children now, but someday they'll be taking care of us!

last week at the shop a lady came in to price a wedding cake, as soon as she came in the door, the woman with her had a 4 year old who made a mad dash for the chalkboard and erased all he could reach with his hands....most of it.....

when she told me the size she was needing, i said, gee, we don't know now, my wedding cake board is gone.

i took it as a sign, and raised all my prices i'd been planning on it anyway.

they usually love messing with the wedding cake models.....they even have taken bites out of them.

Melnick that was very well said.

Cutthecake I have a cousin who has no social skills whatsoever (DO NOT get me started on HIM), and at least once every time Ive seen them, his wife has taken him aside to have a chat with him when he has said something inappropriate.

Mombabytiger My cousin and I used to hang out and drive around town or whatever, and if we got in trouble for being out too late we would always say, At least were not doing drugs or getting pregnant. And I LOVE your signature line!

Bellatheball Ive done the time out thing in the store. What really cracks me up (although this doesnt work as well now), is that with my second son, if he was doing something wrong, I would just SAY, Thats it, youre in time out and not actually do anything else, just carry on shopping, and he would burst into tears and follow me around until I said his time out was done.

'I not so politely told her that evidentially she had tried hard enough since he did it twice. Needless to say I (was) considered the bitchy cake lady for the rest of the shower (who cares).'

While I understand your frustration at having to fix the cake, I think your comment was unintentionally rude to the mom. It's not always okay to always speak your mind, and in this case, instead of enjoying the shower, she probably was mortified and replayed your statement over and over in her head.

And it isn't always easy to control children.

I would've been irritated as well,but perhaps would've said something like 'yes, they can be a handful', or "he must be quite the escape artist", or "he must have good taste", something to ease the situation, rather than be hurtful.

His fingers in the cake didn't hurt you at all, so you should've tried to temper the situation with some humor, or at least kept quiet.

Just my opinion.

One more thing, then I'm done on this topic!

I don't think that sticking fingers in a cake makes a child bad! Bad behavior, maybe depending on the age...a normal inquisitive child, more than likely.

I don't have this problem with my children but there are a lot of baby showers which tell you to bring your child or if you obviously don't have anyone to watch him/her and children are allowed. Usually it is well known if they are asking not to bring children. So to say that is a little off.... i've brought my son and always had people bring their kids to both of my baby showers.

Kids are kids - sometimes good - sometimes not - a kid sticking their finger in frosting is not the end of the world. There are plenty who have done far far worst! I would have also been upset and offended even if the comment was not intended for me but for a friend of mine who was at the party. So yes I do think speaking your mind about something like that was in the wrong - not appropriate epecially for a baby shower environment where everyone was having a good time.

Next time you might just want to reword or soften what you say so it doesn't come out sounding so harsh as i'm sure it did to all who was there.

I have an idiot for a sister that took her ten year old to Steak House with a dinner buffet.while the adults were talking the kid took what was left on her plate as to not waste it and scraped it back into the bowls on the buffet ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......first of all why would anyone teach a kid that we put what we don't eat back in ANY bowl ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahaha....I don't talk to her so I thought I would share hahaha.......I agree kids do not go to showers unless invited. How old of a kid I am wondering would do that to a cake? Bang Zoom...to the moon Alice

Compared to what I have heard some people say in public about other's children, I think the OP was fairly restrained.
My son was (oh, thank you, Lord) a fairly well-behaved child. However, once in Target he threw a horrible fit over a toy, head-butted his dad in the -ummm- privates and fell to the floor screaming and kicking. I politely and calmly lifted him to his feet and began walking him towards the nearest restroom (unfortunately that was all the way across the store). A lady looked down her nose at us and commented to a woman who was with her that "that little boy is a demon; she needs to deal with him now". I paused, turned to her, and said, "I AM dealing with him. We are headed to the bathroom for an exorcism right now, thank you very much." The "exorcism" apparently worked because he never pulled another stunt like that again!

Aaaahhh. The public restroom exorcism. I remember them well.

Sure, it was irritating, I don't deny that. I would've been irritated as well.

And I would've been irritated by the phone calls. And I wouldn't have answered the last 5.

However, for an adult to be rude to another person within a public situation was in itself rude.

Don't come down to a child's level.

To those who are irked that a child would stick his hand in food, it would seem to me that the child would not recognize the cake as food as it was a "pregnant belly" cake.

Also, as a mom of 5 myself (and grandmother of 1), I adore kids and have learned to be patient. It's often difficult for childless people to understand that "kids will be kids". Perhaps in addition to cake muggles, we can laugh off the misguided advice (and rants) of "parenting muggles". LOL!

The mother of the child said, "I tried to watch him"?! Just how safe is that kid if the mother can't keep him out of mischief at a social event where "company manners" should be in use? The kid was doing what kids do, but the mother was clearly irresponsible. Again, what if hot coffee was on the table with the cake, and the child got burned? Whose fault would that have been? When you're a guest at a party, you have a responsibiliy to be a good guest. And that includes watching your kids.

I'm a mother but I agree with aArtieTs, please don't bring your kids to a shower. You wouldn't believe how many women show up with their kids without them being invited.