Am I Too Overprotective?

Lounge By Tita9499 Updated 9 Feb 2009 , 9:08pm by Melvira

Shelle_75 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Shelle_75 Posted 7 Feb 2009 , 1:19pm
post #31 of 56

My seven year old is allowed to play outside by himself, with the dog, get muddy, have adventures, whatever. My three year old, NEVER. There is a huge difference in ages. It's not suffocating; at age three, it's being a responsible parent.

Edited to say: Don't mean to sound like our three year old never sees the sun; he's allowed outside to have adventures and get muddy, too. There's just always an adult in the yard / on the porch to supervise.

costumeczar Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
costumeczar Posted 7 Feb 2009 , 2:54pm
post #32 of 56

When I moved to where I live now I would let my 3-yr-old play outside only if I was there to watch him, 3 is too young to be outside without supervision. They have no sense at that age (or older, for most of them icon_wink.gif ) The difference between properly monitoring your kids and being overprotective is the mother who's sitting with the laptop in the yard while her kids play, and the mother who's following them around saying "don't pick that up, it's dirty!" whenever they try to grab a stick. Let them play, but at age 3 they need to have someone around them. At 5 or 6 they could go out in the fenced-in yard as long as you can keep an eye on them from inside.

The reason I brought up where I live is that the other parents around here seem to have a lot laxer standards than I do, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop being watchful. There are parents in my neighborhood who let their 6-yr-olds stay at home by themselves for long periods of time, and believe me, they can afford a babysitter. Don't let your neighbors dictate to you how you feel you should handle your own kids.

summernoelle Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
summernoelle Posted 7 Feb 2009 , 2:57pm
post #33 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cakepro

Summer,

That woman and her husband were interviewed by a local Houston news channel some time before Christmas (I was wrapping presents so it probably was during the week before Christmas) and their story is horrendously tragic. Their son very well may have lived had there not been an asshole sheriff who got there before the ambulance and kept everyone, including the parents, away from the baby -while he was still alive - and without doing any kind of assessment for airway, breathing, etc. Oh, my God, they played her 911 call and she BEGGED the dispatcher to tell her - like 9 times - what to do for her baby, and the dispatcher was another completely cold asshole who would not tell her how to care for the child, AND THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO TALK BADLY ABOUT HER ON THE TAPE AFTER SHE HUNG UP!! When the medics arrived, the sheriff held out his arms to not allow them to pass and told them that it was a crime scene and the child was dead. The paramedic (all of this was read from the paramedic's report) told the sheriff that is was not his job to declare the child DOA and found that the child was still breathing. Unfortunately, the baby stayed in a coma for several days and then died.

It was sheer agony listening to her 911 call and watching the parents' interview. I sobbed while I sat there amidst Christmas presents watching that news story. If you ever see her again, please give her a big hug for me. I cannot even begin to imagine her pain.

------




Seriously, I know. When she was telling me the story, she told me she was afraid to touch him in the net-of snapping his neck etc, and begged and begged them to help her. She ended up having to cut him out without any advice. This past summer she had just gotten a hold of the 911 tape, and was so sickened by it she couldn't even hardly speak. There were so many things that were botched with that. She also said her older son blamed himself for not locking the door (which just kills me) and that her husband had a lot of anger towards her for falling asleep. She was also pregnant again.
I remember hearing on the news when it happened-I was working on a cake!-and taking note of it because it was in the town over where I know several people. But meeting her in person just took it to a new level for me. I have been much more careful with my kids since than. Not to sound dramatic, but it was kind of life changing in some ways.

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 1:42am
post #34 of 56

Well, my children are definitely not smothered. They are Army brats after all, so it's kind of a rite of passage to get dirty and hurt at least one part of their bodies a week.

And I am a testament to how children can get hurt LITERALLY right under your nose. I live on the border with Juarez, Mexico (do a search for the city and you'll see where my paranoia comes from). So we're going to do a little shopping w/o dad in downtown El Paso, just me and the babies. I park (doors locked) unbuckle the babies from the carseats, tell them to stay put (which they don't do), get out of the car, lock the doors, unlock the hatch, get the stroller out, tell them to sit down (they don't), lock the doors, walk around to the sidewalk, unfold the stroller, get the straps out so they can get in quickly, tell my daughter to back up, unlock doors, open door and daughter- who I had no idea was leaning on the door when I opened it- falls out flips over and scratches her back on the curb in nasty dirty downtown El Paso. I seriously flipped out like she'd broke her head and almost poured the entire bottle of anti-bacterial liquid I had on the wound (I figured the pain of the scratch was better than that so I didn't). Wiped her down with a handi-wipe and loved on her, she was fine. I was still shaking when we got back to the car.

2 days earlier, we come home from a dentist appt. where the dentist said my son's teeth were beautiful and his hygiene (thanks to my OCD) was impeccable (thank you very much!).
So I'm standing in the living room talking to my mom, kids are playing dinosaurs THREE FEET away and next thing you know..."BAM! WAAAAAAH!". My daughter decided she wanted to play horsey and forgot to tell her brother so when she leapt ontohis back his face smacked into the hardwood floor and his teeth got the worst of it. I scoop him up thinking he's going to have a two gold teeth instead his precious baby teeth. Called the dentist to tell him and the dentist is like, "It's okay. If it doesn't stop bleeding, bring him in, but he's probably okay." He is...but I still fuss at them whenever one of them whinnies like a horse.
DOUG: I swear I'd be on Xanax if you were my son!

ElectricCook Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
ElectricCook Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 1:47am
post #35 of 56

Here is my take on the question. You are their mother. You do what you feel is right for you. You don't want to have the would've, should've or could've thought.

You will blame yourself if something goes wrong, so listen to what you inner voice is saying to you.

My DS will be 9 in one month. He was just allowed to go outside without me last summer with a walkie talkie. He didn't know that I was stalking him and had him in my eyesight. I live on a cul-de-sac so traffic on my street is extremely light. My most of my neighbors are very lax with their kids and my DS isn't allowed to play with them. The kids that he is allowed to play with are watched by thier moms. These moms think that I am crazy, but my house is the one that the kids all want to come to rules and all. I have a lot of them and I also kicked one kid out for not following them.

Listen to your heart and do what is right for you. I tell all the new moms that I meet to listen to your gut and don't let anyone talk you out of what you are feeling. As for your husband, listen to what he has to say and do what you want. You gave birth to these children and if anything happens to them you wont forgive yourself.

I will now step down off my soapbox. Thanks for reading.

On another note my mother stalked me up until I went into college. The stalking kept the really bad friends out of my life and the so-so ones in it. I learnd all my stalking from my mom.

Deb_ Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Deb_ Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 1:41pm
post #36 of 56

Tita I know exactly where you live. I think I had a conversation with you in the past about my late brother who lived in El Paso.

I LOVE that area of the US. I spent a summer with he and his wife when I was 16, and we went into Juarez a couple of times. This was 30 yrs ago and he wouldn't let me out of his sight.......and I was 16.

The memory that stands out in my mind was the "width" of the Rio Grande. Where we crossed, we could have jumped over it, it was so narrow and all I could think was "this is the RIO GRANDE?" hehehe............Oh I'd love to go back there someday. My bro was a professor at UTEP for years before moving to Houston.

Getting back to the original topic. Ever notice that the people without children think that they are experts on how to raise them? icon_confused.gif

Obviously some people are extremely OVER-PROTECTIVE and that's not beneficial to either party. I don't see you as over-protective at all, I see you as fulfilling your role as their mother. If we are fortunate enough that God blesses us with children, it's our job to love and protect them.

To all those that claim you're glad we weren't your parent all I can say to you is......you would have been LUCKY to have a Mother/Father that loves you so much, that they'd give their life for you. That my friends is what a real Mother/Father would do for their kids.

Basic nurturing, guidance, teaching right from wrong, and loving our kids is not smothering them. They're not animals that can fend for themselves after a few months. I think we've all seen what ignoring children produces......and it's tragic to say the least.

Keep being the best Mom that you can be and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Your kids are VERY fortunate to have you, and it will show when they grow up to be caring, loving parents themselves.

Shelle_75 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Shelle_75 Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 3:01pm
post #37 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly27

Basic nurturing, guidance, teaching right from wrong, and loving our kids is not smothering them. They're not animals that can fend for themselves after a few months. I think we've all seen what ignoring children produces......and it's tragic to say the least.




thumbs_up.gif Well said!

dailey Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
dailey Posted 8 Feb 2009 , 3:22pm
post #38 of 56

i haven't read any of the responses but i won't even let my 5yo outside without me present! i'm wayyyy overprotective too....

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 4:23pm
post #39 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelle_75

Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly27

Basic nurturing, guidance, teaching right from wrong, and loving our kids is not smothering them. They're not animals that can fend for themselves after a few months. I think we've all seen what ignoring children produces......and it's tragic to say the least.



thumbs_up.gif Well said!




Ditto!

Yeah, the Rio Grande ain't all that grande! LOL!

I know that there are bad cities everywhere, I grew up in 80's Bronx (pre-Guiliani) so I know first hand, but this place is out of control!

Anyway. Thanks to everyone for your input. Some of you said it best. I'm their mom and ultimately I make the decision so that I'm the one that can live with it. I learned something from every post- even the ones I didn't neccessarialy agree with (especially Doug's...whoa!). For the record, I haven't let them play in the backyard by themselves and I won't be doing so anytime soon.

Sadly the other day I walked outside and a little girl was sitting in my driveway on a ball watching a group of about 6 other boys play. This girl couldn't have been more than 5 and I asked her where she lived. She said "4 houses that way!". I couldn't believe that someone let their child roam around where they couldn't see them (especially a 5 year old). She was with boys that were easily 5 years older than her in a driveway of a complete stranger. I told her to go home and tell her mother where she was and not to come back to my driveway (God forbid she should be injured on our property!).

I just read in the EL Paso times that a 3 year old was allowed to go to a bathroom in a public restroom downtown and a man walked into the stall and exosed himself to her. First question that popped into my mind is why would a parent let their 3 year old go into a public bathroom by themselves? I'm okay even if I am overprotective, if I don't protect them- who will?

summernoelle Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
summernoelle Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 4:29pm
post #40 of 56

Tita, you make me grateful for where I live. I met another mom the other day at the park who was just transferred from Hollywood Fl, and was saying that place was nuts. Her diaper bag was stolen out of her hands at the mall 3 times before she figured out she couldn't take anything with her.
I live in Mayberry, practically. I forgot to lock the back door ALL the time. I leave my purse in the car. Stupid, yes. But I am totally absent minded and take the safety for granted. (Which I know it isn't, of course.) When we lived in an apartment a few years ago, I was scared all the time and paranoid. The alarm was always on, even in the middle of the afternoon when we were home. And we were stolen from a couple of times. But where we are now, I start to forget that stuff!
Although, my parents live a couple of towns over, where I grew up. The middle school I went to was SO innocent, but now, there were 250 cases of Cheese so far this school year. Heroin! That is insane. So, I think all of that is coming closer. We are looking into private schools for our kids...

Melvira Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Melvira Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:33pm
post #41 of 56

No Summer, I live in Mayberry. Only the name is different. Everyone knows your business, nobody locks their door. Old people sit on their porches in the summer and kids play in the street without regard for the occasional car that might come creeping through. But you know what... it's a DARN good place to raise my boys. It's not as good as it was when I was a kid... a few less savory people have cropped up, but for the most part, it's still a lovely place. My biggest problem is a neighbor with a dog that barks all the time. Have you ever wanted to hurt a fluffy little critter before? That's a bold statement coming from me, the supreme animal rights woman!!

Carson Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Carson Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:35pm
post #42 of 56

I think it also depends on the child. My dd is almost 6, and last year I started letting her play in the yard (with me checking on her constantly and the neighbor in his yard watching her). She is extremely responsible and mature but I still feel like she isn't old enough to be left completely unsupervised. I mean, this is the girl that when a teenage babysitter took her to the park and the babysitter walked back to the house without her (thank god I was home!) she ran back home because she knew she was not to be left alone! Now, if I had sent my 2 year old with them, she would of taken off in the opposite direction "just for fun". Their personalities are very different and I'm not sure that at 5 my youngest could be trusted to be left to play in the yard - I could totally see her taking off (and finding a way to do it that I never thought of)!

Tita, it sounds like you have a safe yard on a base for your kids to play, but I would wait until you know you could trust them to follow rules, at 3 its unlikely.

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:45pm
post #43 of 56

Yeah, especially my son!

He's the type that'll look at you as you're telling him not to touch something and slowly reach his hand out to touch it- while you're still watching him and he's watching you- just to see what you'll do.

I live on a safe base, yes. There have been times where I've very unintentionally left my front door unlocked and it was safe (for the night-thank God), but I would never be able to sleep knowing that any door/window/air duct was accessible from the "outside". WHen my DH's not home I sleep with a 9" hunting knife under my pillow (and yes, I have used one on someone before so they do help- long story...). I have an escape plan hatched out in case of home invasion and everything!

I guess in a way growing up in a rough neighborhood helps you to not be complacent, but I've learned not to let my children know that I'm doing all this because I don't want to them to be afraid.

summernoelle Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
summernoelle Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:47pm
post #44 of 56

Ha ha-us too, Mel! We have a neighbor who sticks his head over the fence and gripes about our 11 yr old golden retriever. Yet his dog barks barks barks.
The police here stop by and leave notes on your door if you leave the garage open, or your kids bikes out. One day at the library, the cops were gossiping with the librarians about town gossip, it was so cute. It's really nice.
Although, we do have a neighbor with a red light she puts on at night, leaving her front door WIDE open, and different cars every night. Haha. My DH loves laughing about that one. One night I was looking for our cat that got out, and that neighbor was wearing a nightie (black lace, yes), smoking a cigarette in the driveway with a married male neighbor. Ah, suburbia. Always something lurking under the surface. icon_biggrin.gif
OK, sorry for taking us off topic.

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 5:52pm
post #45 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by summernoelle

Ha ha-us too, Mel! We have a neighbor who sticks his head over the fence and gripes about our 11 yr old golden retriever. Yet his dog barks barks barks.
The police here stop by and leave notes on your door if you leave the garage open, or your kids bikes out. One day at the library, the cops were gossiping with the librarians about town gossip, it was so cute. It's really nice.
Although, we do have a neighbor with a red light she puts on at night, leaving her front door WIDE open, and different cars every night. Haha. My DH loves laughing about that one. One night I was looking for our cat that got out, and that neighbor was wearing a nightie (black lace, yes), smoking a cigarette in the driveway with a married male neighbor. Ah, suburbia. Always something lurking under the surface. icon_biggrin.gif
OK, sorry for taking us off topic.





WHAAAA?!?!?

Is that the house that inspired the movie "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"? LOL!

Carson Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Carson Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 6:01pm
post #46 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tita9499

Yeah, especially my son!

He's the type that'll look at you as you're telling him not to touch something and slowly reach his hand out to touch it- while you're still watching him and he's watching you- just to see what you'll do.

I live on a safe base, yes. There have been times where I've very unintentionally left my front door unlocked and it was safe (for the night-thank God), but I would never be able to sleep knowing that any door/window/air duct was accessible from the "outside". WHen my DH's not home I sleep with a 9" hunting knife under my pillow (and yes, I have used one on someone before so they do help- long story...). I have an escape plan hatched out in case of home invasion and everything!

I guess in a way growing up in a rough neighborhood helps you to not be complacent, but I've learned not to let my children know that I'm doing all this because I don't want to them to be afraid.




#1 I can relate to you son, sounds exactly like my youngest daughter!! haha - she keeps us on our toes!
#2 I can not relate to you sleeping with a hunting knife! I grew up in a town where you left you house unlocked when you went away for the weekend just incase you neighbor needed something out of it. At 6 years old I would take my 4 year old sister to the park on the other side of town (which was only 6 blocks to the other side - lol). I now live in a larger city with my kids and don't feel as safe as I did when I lived in my hometown, but I don't have anywhere the same fears (and obviously the same experiences) as you!

The only advice I ever give happily to other mothers is believe in your intuition...you will know when to give your kids a bit more freedom when the time comes!

Melvira Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Melvira Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 6:52pm
post #47 of 56

Carson, sounds like you grew up where I'm living now! We went out of town, and I had to call my cousin to check on my cat because we ended up being gone longer than overnight like we planned. She's like, "I don't think I know where my key is!?" I'm like, "Um, Sarah, the door isn't locked." icon_rolleyes.gif I've realized though that I have to change that. I've started making small changes like locking the door when we leave, though it's always open when we're home. But I have to be honest with myself and realize that the roads run right through small towns just like cities, and sometimes bad people drive on those roads. Just because no one here would 'break in' (you know, through the unlocked door) and steal something, doesn't mean that someone 'passing through' wouldn't help themselves. I remember one time I did a cake for one of my fave local clients, had to go to the store, came home and cash was sitting where the cake had been. I just smiled to myself, sighed and said, "I'm so glad I'm not in the big city any more." In the city if someone showed up to get a cake and I wasn't there, my name would be mud, even though they were early and I was back well before they were supposed to show up to get the cake, you know?

Carson Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Carson Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 7:09pm
post #48 of 56

My Grandma used to freak out about how "slack" my Mom was in that town, because it was at an intersection of two highways. We did have our share of questionable people that passed through, but then the whole town knew in 5 minutes and they were relentless to get them out of town. I had to train myself to lock my car and not leave the keys in the ignition. We do have a fairly safe place now though, we don't lock doors when we are home (only at night) and feel good about walking around our neighborhood. And I also know that if my little hooligan ever escaped that everyone in my neighborhood would know where she belonged! My fear is that someone who doesn't belong in my neighborhood happens to find her first!! I would love to move to a small place again, I grew up in a town of 500 people but we also need our jobs!

Melvira Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Melvira Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 7:25pm
post #49 of 56

That is a drawback... my DH's commute to work. We don't like that part, but I guess it's a trade off. We have around 500 people in this town, very small, very quiet. I miss some of the convenience of the big town, but I do love the plusses of living here. And the fact that this house has been in my family forever, my Daddy was raised in it... well, that speaks pretty loudly! thumbs_up.gif

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 7:48pm
post #50 of 56

I would love to see the looks on the faces of the people in your towns if my DH and I and our family would show up.

Me a 5'8 tattoed chick with curly hair (yes, my hair is actually very curly) wearing 4" heels wherever I go, My 6'4", 280lb, bald husband and my two rugrats one with wildly curly hair and the thickest spanish accent you'd ever heard on a 3 year old and another one who thinks he's a cross between Simba from Lion King and Alex from Madagascar...yep, we wouldn't stand out at all!

Melvira Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Melvira Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 7:58pm
post #51 of 56

Don't sweat it Tita... tattoos are nothing new here. thumbs_up.gif I have several, and we enjoy showing off our ink. Not to mention my rainbow brite hair. Actually, it's all blonde right now... but it's just the calm before the storm. I am making up for the years that I had to have a professional appearance for that stinkin' office job. I am self employed now, I can be as weird as I wanna! Of course, all the stuff that I was treated like an outcast for when I was in high school is the 'norm'. Heck, even the cheerleaders and honor roll students have pierced noses and multi-colored hair. Man... to be a teenager now... think of what you'd have to do to stand out or make a statement. I'd be in hell. I was never one to blend in. I am well known for disliking things just because they are popular. icon_rolleyes.gif I'm an idiot that way. Of course, I don't dislike all popular things... just things I think are overrated.

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 8:11pm
post #52 of 56

Yeah, when I was growing up people always said I was the "rebellious" child. Now they look at me like, "she's different". I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, but I define "different" as "unique" so I'll keep rollin' with it.
As long as my husband likes it, I know that's all that matter's. Everyone else's opinion is just like a fart, brief stench that eventually will fade away...was that too vulgur for a woman?
Yep, still "different".

Melvira Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Melvira Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 8:31pm
post #53 of 56

Tita that was too funny! The fart comment I mean!! I remember when I was pregnant with my first and I was visiting my grandma, two of my cousins were there (both older than me) and one looked at the other and said, "Did you ever think you'd see Melissa crocheting?!!" I just looked at her and laughed. I explained to her that I'd been crocheting since I was 10. You don't have to look like Mrs. Cleaver to be crafty or a good home maker. The cousin that made that comment is now one of my most avid customers. When she tried one of my fruit tarts we had to crack out the paddles and shock her out of arrhythmia. She said she didn't know you could get those anywhere other than fancy bakeries in New York when she was visiting her daughter. When her youngest daughter graduated she had me cater the entire thing for 500 people! She now realizes that our differences are what make it fun, and we've become great friends.

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 8:49pm
post #54 of 56

Well said Mel!

Tita9499 Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Tita9499 Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 8:52pm
post #55 of 56

I have to laugh when EVERYONE (from my mother to distant cousins) in my family sees me now and they're shocked into finding out that I'm such a good homemaker.

"Who'dve thunk it, Tita, the rebellious goth-morbid-introvert-feminist-anti-child-people hater is such a good wife and mother AND she believes in God!? Whoa!"

I just roll my eyes, but inside I find it quite ironic as well.

Melvira Cake Central Cake Decorator Profile
Melvira Posted 9 Feb 2009 , 9:08pm
post #56 of 56

Amen sister. I'm right there with ya. I may look like Morticia Addams, but I can homemake like Martha Stewart! Hehehe!

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%