I Am Embarrassed And Hurt! A Bit Long!

Lounge By samimax Updated 1 Aug 2008 , 6:33am by KKC

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samimax Posted 22 Jul 2008 , 8:00pm
post #1 of 18

I had to go for an interview today- I am a sub. teacher and my school wants to hire me back. So, I'm talking with my principal and she keeps hinting at me leaving the year early. She kept saying that parents are worried about consistancy, etc. She kept looking at me, waiting for me to tell her something that she already knew- I was pregnant.

As I sat there and listened to her comments, I kept saying- No, I'm avalible all year. Every time I would say it, she would give me this look like, Come on. Just tell me when your due.

Finally, I said, "I was pregnant. Now I'm not. It's not an issue. I'll be here all year." (totally humilated now)

She said, "OH, that changes things" (meaning I'd be considered for a long term job, not a half year)

Basically, she got me to admit I wasn't pregnant- (but was looking for me to confirm it) which is completely illegal. I am so mad, hurt, embarressed (I didnt want ANYONE to know what happened this summer)

DH is furious.

There is nothing I can do- if I complain to the union, it'll come back to her. If I complain to HR, same thing, and I doubt they'll offer a "trouble maker" a job. Plus, she didnt come out and ASK me, she got me to admit it.

I just need to vent. I'm still having trouble getting over the miscarriage as it is. I have NO idea how she "found out". Only my one VERY close friend knew, and I completely trust her. (She wants me to work with her, so I know she wouldnt do anything to hurt my chances)

thanks for reading this epic!

What would you do? thoughts?

17 replies
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trichardson1229 Posted 22 Jul 2008 , 8:08pm
post #2 of 18

Sam I am sorry for your loss. I had 4 misscarriages and know how you feel. It's hard and heartbreaking.

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mommicakes Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 12:54am
post #3 of 18

My heart is with you Sam, I have suffered from several miscarriages (5) and an ectopic pregnancy over quite a few years.

It was unfair for her to bring it up to you and make her decision about your position. Just know we are here for you.



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charlieinMO Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 3:36am
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I am sorry that you had to go through that! I know when I had my miscarriage it was very hard to talk about and not something I wanted to bring up in a casual conversation and definatley not in an INTERVIEW!! How rude! You would have thought she would have taken the subtle hint!!

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Texas_Rose Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 3:51am
post #5 of 18

It was unfair of her and inappropriate.

I think you should ask your friend if she told anyone at school, even by accident, because otherwise I'd be concerned about how the principal found out. If your friend didn't say anything, and the woman found out from the doctor's office or from the health insurance company or something like that, that's a real violation of your privacy.

I'm sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages before I had my kids, so I know how you're feeling right now. It is a very private issue and almost feels like failing at the most basic part of being a woman, so having it brought up by a near-stranger in a job interview is really terrible. I don't think I would have managed to keep my composure in that situation.

Maybe if you don't want to work for her, you could see if any of the private schools in your area are hiring. I know they don't pay as well as the public schools, but since they're usually affiliated with a religion, a lot of times they're more family-oriented than the public schools.

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TheDomesticDiva Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 3:52am
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I really think that I would write her a letter telling her that what she did was make a hard situation even harder for you, and that she was less than tactful about it. Especially at her sounding relieved about the fact after you confirmed what she wanted to know. ...That being said, I think I would also report her to whoever you can, and apply somewhere else. Your friend will still be your friend. Plus, I don't think I would want to work for someone who is only looking out for themselves and clearly has no tact or regard for anyone else's feelings.

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MeMo07 Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 4:13pm
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Originally Posted by LadyDZA

I really think that I would write her a letter telling her that what she did was make a hard situation even harder for you, and that she was less than tactful about it. Especially at her sounding relieved about the fact after you confirmed what she wanted to know. ...That being said, I think I would also report her to whoever you can, and apply somewhere else. Your friend will still be your friend. Plus, I don't think I would want to work for someone who is only looking out for themselves and clearly has no tact or regard for anyone else's feelings.

I agree with this.....

I'm so so so sorry for your loss, but she needs to know that it was NOT ok to act like that.

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Aliwis000 Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 9:39pm
post #8 of 18

How horrible! How could she? How she acted was completely and totally inappropriate! I agree with those above who say that she acted relieved that this has happened, like now its just another "problem" off he list. I agree you should report this, it is against the law for them to ask you if you are having a baby, and to anyone with half a brain it was obvious that is what she was asking. Again I am so sorry for you, she is a horrible person.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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samimax Posted 23 Jul 2008 , 10:06pm
post #9 of 18

thank you everyone for your kind words- that's why I love it here! Everyone is so supportive! (plus- you love cake!)

I'm feeling better today. DH and I will report it if I don't get the job. I agree with all of you that I should report it, I am going to talk to the union rep. first.

The more I thought about it, I think she "found out" from our after school is over dinner we all had. EVERYONE was having a drink, except the pregnant ladies (all at least 6-9 months along) and me. (7 weeks by then)
Quite a few people kept trying to get me a drink, and I kept putting it off, saying I was taking medicine, I had to drive, etc. As I write this, I can picture one person "questioning" it, and it getting around from there.

I am looking for another job, it's just very hard to find any teaching jobs here. I really feel uncomfortable about working for her. Especiallly since I AM trying to get pregnant. (which is FAR more important to me than my job!)

Thank you all again. Reading your kind words have helped make a very difficult day better!!

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Melan Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 12:18am
post #10 of 18

It seems like she was discriminating against you, she knew you were pregnant and when she found out you no longer were, her position changed. That is flat out discrimination and she should be held accountable.

I too am sorry for your loss. I lost a baby between my two boys. I was around 12 weeks, but no matter how far along you are, it is so hard to go through. My prayers are with you!

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adven68 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 3:35am
post #11 of 18

I'm very sorry for your loss....she made a difficult situation even worse! I was going to say that I think you should talk to her, whether or not you get the job, but writing a letter is a better idea....just stay cool.

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cakesbycathy Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 7:48am
post #12 of 18

I am so sorry for your loss. I do think you should write a letter to her. First, it will help you feel better. Second, I suspect she has no idea how embarrased she made you feel. She needs to know, but in a tactful way since if you do get the job, you're going to need to have a good relationship with her. That's going to be hard if you are feeling any kind of resentment towards her.

This is the letter I would write to her:

Dear So and So,
Thank you very much for taking time to meet with me yesterday. I love the students at _________ school and I am very excited about the chance to return and teach there.

Since it is important for us to have a positive and professional working relationship, I feel I should let you know that at one point during my interview, I was extremely embarassed. While asking about my availability, I tried to make it clear that I would indeed be able to teach throughout the entire year. Your non-verbal cues to me, however, made me feel obligated to actually come out and state that I had had a miscarriage.

You're a very kind and thoughtful administrator, so I'm sure you had no idea how painful and embarassing it was for me to have to reveal such a personal situation. I'm confident that this kind of a situation would not happen again in the future.

Again, I am excited about working with both you and the rest of the wonderful staff this coming school year. Enjoy the rest of your summer and I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Hopefully, this gets across the point in a way that doesn't damage your chances at teaching there. I would also send a copy of this to HR and the union rep. Don't wait to find out if you've been hired.

Please keep us posted.

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kimmypooh79 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 8:51am
post #13 of 18

Cakesbycathy---Well put!

Samimax---If you are going to do something I wouldn't wait. If you don't get the job then decide to complain to the administration they will just think you were upset about not getting the job and are trying to start trouble.
I know, it happened to me. The questions were, "Why didn't you tell us then?" and "Why did you wait until now?"
The possibility does exist that you will get tagged a trouble maker whether the title is warranted or not. And you shouldn't feel embarrassed, you didn't ask for what happened. If you are going to feel embarrassed, then feel embarrassed for that principal for being such an idiot.

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Bakingangel Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 8:34am
post #14 of 18

Samimax, I'm sooooo sorry for your loss and the insensitive administrator at that school.

First of all, I'm not sure what state you are in but hopefully not Texas. The unions here are a joke compared to back East.

Be very careful or like you said, you'll be flagged as a trouble maker. Like it or not, that's what happens even if you are in the right. HR will always back their administrators. If you copy HRyour administrator will be upset but you'll never know it. I'm a teacher and I've seen teachers with many many years of excellent performance reviews file a complaint with the school district HR for serious constitutional rights violations only to end up black balled and shunned by coworkers out of fear of association that they may be next on the administrator's hit list. A seasoned teacher with years of accolades on file suddenly can't do anything right according to the principal and they get stressed out everyday they go to work. And remember it is always the most current evaluation a prospective principle will see if you try to change schools or districts. Also they will call her for a reference.

I do like the suggested letter by the other CCer (sorry I can't remember her CC name). It is professional and assertive without being confrontational. I would email it to her and print a copy to document the date, in case I might need it in the future. However, I would not copy anyone.

Academia is a different world to work in. I was shocked after being in the corporate world for thirty years where employees have more protection and legal recourse.

Sorry for the long response. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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4Gifts4Lisa Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 3:44pm
post #15 of 18

I am so sorry for your loss. I love Cathy's letter!

People can be stupid. Here is my humiliating story. After 4 kids, my abdominal muscles had separated and my belly actually looked like I was around 6 months pregnant. After lots of thought, I scheduled a tummy tuck (which was great, BTW...got those muscles joined back up). Anyway, the Friday before I went in a grocery store clerk asked when I was "due". Not wanting to get into it, I just smiled and said, "Monday" (the day of my tummy tuck). Then I went home and cried. Forward to a few months later. I was again grocery shopping and the SAME clerk came up to me all excited and asked all about the "baby". I just said, "No, I didn't have one". You'd think she'd get the picture. Um, NO, she kept going on and on about how I WAS pregnant and where is the baby. I am not sure why I did not just set her straight, other than I was humiliated. Dumb people...

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michellenj Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 9:34pm
post #16 of 18

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I had a mc when I was 16 weeks, and my boss' husband said to me "I heard about your abortion." icon_eek.gificon_cry.gif

People say stupid things, even though they are not trying to hurt you. I put my foot in my mouth constantly! The administrator was probably thinking you'd tell her about the pregnancy, you two could laugh and bond over it, and when it fell apart on her she was stuck.

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cupcakeco Posted 30 Jul 2008 , 4:52am
post #17 of 18

I am appaled by this. In a perfect world, one would think, this principal (a woman herself, in the very least!) would be more sensitive to another woman's needs and circumstances--unfortunately, this just is another example of how some of these professional businesswomen can be so crass and cutthroat.

This woman crossed a very heavy (not to mention illegal) line with her actions--there is no doubting what she was insinuating during this interview, especially provided her virtual admission. Please do yourself the service of confronting this situation. Your right--and ability--to have a family has NO bearing on your ability to hold a job successfully. Samimax: my prayers are with you during this now doubly difficult time; I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your job search and that you may find an employer that respects and deserves you. icon_smile.gif

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KKC Posted 1 Aug 2008 , 6:33am
post #18 of 18

So sorry for your loss (((((Hugs))))). I haven't experience a miscarriage so I won't pretend to know what your going thru. But my best friend has had 2 miscarriages and its so hard on her. So just continue to pray and ask God to give you strength and I know he'll see you thru this.

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