I am the kind of person that when I am at my angriest I cry hard and the best thing to do is to just get out of my face. My DD, DH, MIL, (I noted to myself that MIL was not in a very good mood)and myslef were going to dinner one night and this place we went to serves fried biscuits
with apple butter as an appetizer. They are just CAN BISCUITS that have been fried so I wasn't impressed as I've had them before. My DH and MIL ordered these and I was a little annoyed that nobody asked if that was okay with me but I just decided I would be able to eat more of my dinner that way. So, they came and my MIL noticed I wasn't eating them and asked if I was going to have any. I told her no that I didn't care for them since they but would probably like them better if they were homemade. When my husband starting putting this stuff that looked like apple sauce on his and I asked what it was (I didn't eat apple butter growing up so I wasn't sure what it was) he told me that it was apple butter. I tasted the "butter" and said that it tastes like apple sauce to me and they both grimaced and were like no way it tastes like apple butter. This "butter" was chunky, runny, and had more spice than a normal apple sauce but it still had the taste of apple sauce. So anyway, I again said but it tastes like apple sauce so what makes it apple "butter"? My MIL chimes in with, "Why are you being such a B!tC#.....about the biscuits?"She'd never said anything like that to me before and my DH and myself just dropped our mouths open and looked at her. I said that remark was uncalled for and then my husband started in on her for calling me the B word. I was at the boiling point, my feelings were hurt so I had to get up and leave since tears were building up in my eyes. I waited in the car while only she and my DD ate dinner, my DH checked on me and went back in to rip her a new one. I just couldn't go back in with my raccoon eyes and rudolph red nose. She says she didn't call me a B word, I was acting like a 3 year old, I just took it the wrong way, I was just too senstive and takes absolutely no blame. A week later when I brought it up she didn't want to talk about it (she likes to sweep things under the rug unless it's something bothering her) so I said fine I'll talk, You listen....she eventually half a$$ed apologized saying, "Well, I'm sorry that you took it the wrong way."

How else was I supposed to take that? She has made other hurtful comments about me to my husband that I again did not deserve.
Last year her husband left her all of a sudden and she stayed with us b/c she was suicidal, she was curled up on our couch for at least 3 days in the fetal position crying. I was the one that waited on her hand and foot, got her medications, cooked for her and tried to make her eat, got her in the bath, to/from the doctor, did her laundry, I stayed up every night until I knew she was soundly asleep (sometimes til 4am) and then got up to check on her about every hour. I did EVERYTHING for her. She ended up living with us for 2 months which was fine. She thanked me and that was good enough. Stupidly and against everything she was advised she started dating her now ex-husband again and he dumped her recently for her friend that he'd been seeing since they were still married and now she's bad off but not like the first time. Gosh I wish I could say all the terrible things he did to her but this is long enough.
So why these hurtful things? She thinks if she throws money at something then it makes it all okay then she throws that money in our face so I told her to stop giving us stuff. I love her but I don't have to put up with her crap. I'm sorry this was so long....I just really needed to vent.

in a word:

YES

and don't ask for explanation as you will only end up crying again if your that sensitive.

you and MIL have issues that need resolving

Y'know you really have a pretty healthy attitude about it. Just gotta get tougher. I mean like in understanding that she's gonna go for the belly every now and then. And if not her, somebody will.

You did real good to make her listen to you. Keep it up.

But I tell you what I taught my kids about crying like that during periods of getting sucker punched which of course happens to all of us.

I taught them to keep breathing--you start holding your breath and you're emotional and out bursts the geyser. So exhale! Steadily though. When I'm in church and they're singing some song and I start thinking about loved ones no longer with us or something I make it a point to even purse my lips a bit and blow out--just like you're gently cooling off some hot french fries --let off the steam. I mean not so people notice but dang I don't wanna loose it in public. It's purely a mind over matter thing and it will help you a lot going forward if you work on it.

This is gonna sound bad but it's still good. Turn yourself a little chilly--get cold in the sense of protecting yourself.

I mean it's only natural to be upset when someone messes with you like that. Try & keep from letting it go so deep inside. Get you some boundaries up.

Exhale.

MIL: Why are you being such a "B" about it?
Debi: Because I'm dang good at it, that's why!


It sounds like just a big communication void. MIL evidently just LUVS these biscuits, and is confused on why someone was making a "big deal" about why someone wasn't eating them. A simple, "Oh I"m saving room for dinner" would have sufficed instead of a big explanation, that could have sounded "snobby" about "oh well they're NOT homemade so I'm just not eating them!" and then "picking apart" the apple butter that they obviously just love.

Not saying that's what you said .... just suggesting that may have been what was heard. I saw you saying it as an explanation as to why you weren't eating them, and you were asking the questions in an honest endeavor to find out about something you've never eaten before, but they heard some "snooty" person putting down their favorite foods and sounding "too good" to eat the foods that they just love.

To answer your question of "did I overreact?" .... I think both of you did.

P.S. If my hubby orders an appetizer that I don't want, nothing stops me from looking at the waiter and saying, "And *I'LL* have ....." It's been too many decades since the man ordered the food for the woman. We've come a long way, baby.

(And in my family, calling someone a "B" is a term of endearment! My sister and I fight over which of us gets to wear the Queen "B" crown! )

BTW...I'm not dissing can biscuits cuz I use them for breakfast....I can't make a good biscuit to save my life. I was just disappointed cuz that restaurant prides themselves on their "home cooking" then to get can biscuits was such a let down.

It sounds like you guys need to set some boundaries. She doesn't need to know where you're going everytime you leave the house. She can't *make* you guys tell her. I know it's not this simple, but I think it would be important to eventually just say "Please stop asking us where we're going all the time. We're going out and we don't always feel like saying where. We appreciate your interest, but we also like our space." Or another tactic that might be easier is if she asks "Where are you going?" then say "Out, why?" and if she says "Yeah, but where?" say "why?" and if she starts asking if your hamburger was homemade or takeout, say "why? why were you wondering?" Maybe if she has a turn to answer annoying questions then she will realize how annoying it is. It's worth a try

Btw, I've never seen apple butter either and probably would have been just as inquisitive.

SaraO, that "why" thing is a very good tactic.

I learned it from the best ... a VP that I admired a lot. He and I had to travel to our Mexico factory a lot and I got to watch him in action. He taught me "You want to find out what's going on, you just ask "why" 5 times. Everytime they give you an answer, you just respond with "why?" After about 4 or 5 Why's, you've cut thru the bullsh*t and you're starting to get to the truth of what the problem is.

"Why" is a question that puts the ball in their court. Good suggestion!

Also when people get too inquisitive, you can always ask them, "Wanna know what brand of tampon I use, too?" I find whenever you throw the word "Tampon" into a conversation, people will quickly find a way to change the subject!

Psst! Rude and crude people generally use that "I'm just being honest!" crapola line to justify why they are being rude and crude! Don't fall for it! It's "honest" to tell someone "My god you're fat and need to lose weight!" but no one on here would agree that is an appropriate thing to say to anyone.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...LOL

that's so funny.
Debi you are so right.....I usually say that honesty is the best policy b/c i'm a terrible liar but I'd never say anything like that to anyone.
you guys are making me laugh so hard I'm tearing up....I should change my name to Emo-girl.

BTW: Applebutter is spiced applesauce that has been cooked and cooked until it is very thick and dark brown. If done right it is very thick, dark and spicy. It should be thick enough to slice.
You can make butters out of many fruits, and pumpkin butter is good too!

OK, girls, don't shoot me , but it sounds maybe someone was a little PMS'y? I don't know, but that is how I act when I'm PMS'ing. And it does sound like you both over-reacted, like Debi said, they could have taken your comments as putting down food they obviously like, no matter how it's prepared. But I don't think it warranted any name calling. If I was you, I would be signing "Mom" up for any and all activities at the local senior center so she can make friends and leave you alone (who knows, maybe she'll find someone new, get married and move a little farther away?! ).
Oooh, how about sending her on one of those long cruises????

LOL........good ideas.

You did great! Next time she calls you a B**** just say, Yes and I'm proud of it! I am The "Babe In Total Control Here"! Smile and watch her reaction!

Thank you milal.....
My pledge:
I kimmypooh79 have earned my b!tc#y name
And like it or not this b!tc#y status I will work hard to maintain
My b!ct#y sisters I swear to you I will not let you down
With my head held high and a big bright smile I wear my queen "B" crown

Thanks Texas_Rose, I'll have to try them.

Regarding the 'female-dog-mother-word' - these days calling each other such words may be commonplace, but anyone calling me that is asking for trouble.
I don't care if you are laughing at the time, I don't care if you call your friends that. I will not be spoken to in that manner; and, most assuredly, you should not speak like that in the presence of young children.

I can say this much... I feel for ya... I though have many more problems with my MIL ...

1 thing I have found is to pipe up when ordering... if not we would order the same dang appetizer every time we go out to dinner (which anymore is NOT a bunch)

He says Cheese sticks.. I say.. what I want....

And where were you when they ordered the fried biscuits.. we have a couple of out of the way restaurants not real far from us that serve these concoctions and they all say they are homemade served with homemade apple butter.

And growing up with apple butter... I haven't ever had any you can cut with a knife...

My gramma taught me her way of cooking apple butter about 43-45 years ago. Maybe they don't cook it so long these days. It takes a very long time, and you need to be very careful near the end or it will scorch. I do my tomato paste the same way.

No advice here but I have to chime in.

Anyone who comes at me with that word as their first line of defense better have an army to back them up because I'll go to war and show them what a real one can be like.

I had a guy in the Home Depot paint area dropping the F bomb (mostly that but other swear words were tossed in when he got bored with that one) like no tomorrow (very loudly) when I was there with my son awhile back.

My son kept looking at me with huge eyes and finally said loudly "mom I don't want to hear adult words, make him stop!" and the guy was looking at me waiting for me to say something. You could tell he was waiting to put me in my place because he was the type "that could say what he wanted where he wanted."

Being me and who I am I sure did say something (about at loud as he was swearing)...

"Honey, you can't expect a man with that much butt crack showing to have any manners let alone use them around young children and women."

Everyone around us busted out laughing.

He turned beet red and didn't say another word while he was finishing up picking out his paint and getting it shaken up other than "I'd like this and that please."