Why can't I have a nice clean, clutter free hobby? I think that's the only thing that would make DH happy. His mom doesn't have hobbies and all DHs hobbies are mind/game related, so again no mess. I like creating things - and guess what, that adds mess!!!

I clean up immediately, dont' ask anyone else to clean up after me, but he still doesn't like it, saying that doing them makes me exhausted and takes too long.

Specifically, he was complaining about the holiday baking. My TOTAL baking was not excessive, imo, especially, since the last two years I wasn't able to do any baking at all.... I spent one night making sugar cookies and a treat for him to take into work. I spent one night making tea bread, another morning making a Chestnut Log, and another night/morning making Christmas Stollen. that's the ONLY baking I've done since Thanksgiving. Before that I made a cake for a Halloween party.

I don't do any other hobby currently...

How come he can't see that it makes me happy? How can he not see that he spends as much time with his Jeopardy hobby and that his hobby takes away family time too? He stays up until 2 or 3 am, during the week wakes at 7 am and during weekends sleeps until 10 am. On weekends when he comes to bed at 3 am to sleep until 10 am (and I have to wake him up at 10 am or else he would sleep until noon), that means I'm on my own with the kids EVERY weekend at 7 am or earlier (usually earlier).

he wants me to be well rested so I can get up with the toddler and not be tired and need a nap later in the day, so if I stay up until midnight or 1 am doing cakes, i'm tired next day and might need a nap. (the little guy tends to wake up a few times during the night too and might have an awake period for an hour or two during the night too).

Why can't he see the double standard? He can do what he wants until whenever and sleep in late? Yet he wants me to go to bed early so that I can get up early (allowing him to sleep in).

Plus, during the week because he already shorts himself on sleep, I can't request (without feeling guilty since I'm a sahm) that he get up at 5 am with the toddler, because then he'll only get 2-3 hours of sleep before going to work for the day.

How DO guys (and there are a lot of guys like my dh, he's no exception) only think of their needs? I hear SOOOOO many women complaining of similar things.

Melissa

have you talked to your DH about all of this? i hardly think it's fair of him to not want you to do something you love to do... everyone is entitled to hobbies! and since your hobby seems to require very little from him, i don't understand where his problem is.
i've been very lucky, i have hobbies that are messy and expensive (stamping, scrapbooking, quilting and cakeing) and my husband has been nothing but supportive. if he DID say anything, he'd had another thing coming!

let's make this simple..... men are dumb. he's only a 13 yer old trapped in a man's body.
keep on caking if it makes you happy! I'm a SAHM as well with 5 kids (ages 15 - 1) so if i'm not hppy NOBODY'S HAPPY...... so i continue to cake..... it's a win-win for everyone.... they get to eat cake!!! ALL THE TIME!!!
chin up, fellow sahm.......

I don't have an answer for you sweet girl. Just know you are in my prayers today. I personally wouldn't give up what makes you, you. As far as being a stay at home mom and feeling guilty about the hours, if you calculate out what you do in that time frame and multiply it by minimum wage I'm afraid no one could afford to hire you So don't ever feel guilty about needing some down time. You will be a much better wife and mom when you can take care of you a little bit each week. Hopefully he will have someone help him understand that. Hang in there! Evie

i have one other point to make...
i've never understood why *some* men assume that because their wife is a SAHM, she should be taking care of the children all the time. he needs to think of your life during the week (while he is at work) as YOUR job... he gets a break from his job, but it seems like you're not getting a break from yours. you're a talented cake decorator and it sounds like you're a loving wife and mother, the two are not mutually exclusive.

You know, I don't uderstand it either (this sahm thing). I mean, I'm a full time everything 24/7. Never get to sleep in, still have to do the dishes every day, the cleaning, and everything else.

My Dhs contribution to the family chores are weekly cleaning of the litterbox and he'll wash the laundry if I fold it. I refuse to put away his clothes as he's too picky about which t-shirt is for sleeping and which for soccer and which for every day, etc.

I do the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the diaper care, the bath ritual, putting the toddler to sleep for all naps and night. I deal with older DSs homework, Tae Kwon Do, piano and trumpet lessons, and anything else. If home projects need to be done, he does them at snail speed or I do them.

AND... he thinks he does too much!!!! Oh, he pays the bills (all online, once a month). I sort mail, take out garbage, recycling, load and unload dishwasher, clean bathrooms, mop floors etc.

Now, our house is NOT immaculate. For that to happen, I would have to work nonstop as DH and DS are slobs and I'm not a neat freak either. Plus, it's not really rewarding to clean and clean and clean, for what??? The sake of cleaning?

Then there's the kids too small clothes... I'm dealing with those too - trying to sell on craigslist or ebay. Plus, DH wants me to do any other "little" project as I'm at home and can fit it in...

How easy is it to do things with a 20 month old underfoot? An active one at that?

You go girl!!! Sounds like you are realizing how much you really contribute!!! Write it down on a price matrix sheet and present the bill!!!!

I often wonder how it is that my DH can sit on his rear and read the paper or whatever, while I say I'm going to bed, but before I do, I stop to put away toys, wash a coupla dishes, fold some clothes, etc, etc, etc and then he makes it to bed beofre me!!

Their brains just don't work the same and I'm trying to except that and jsut do what needs to be done. But he is really good about doing hat I ask him to do.

I just had knee surgery last week and am not able to bear weight on my leg yet. My sweet family has discovered what a stay at home mom really does I never thought surgery would be such fun

My Hubby is happy about my business when he gets to eat cake scraps, but if the kids eat them or i throw them away he isn't as happy., but he does wash most of my dishes. The more money I make the happier he gets.

It sounds like your husband needs a reality check. You life isn't all about scheduling around him.
Try hinting first. Everytime he starts complaining about your hobby make a note and a couple days later throw a fit about his, if you aren't yelling at him about it already you need to start.
If he doesn't get the hint from that stay up with him until he goes to bed for a couple nights, you in the kitchen doing what you want. If he says anything tell him that you need some time for yourself and baking is what keeps you sane. Who cares if you take a nap with the little one.
If it comes down to it put your foot down and tell him that if he wants to do his stuff you have to be able to do what makes you happy too.

My husband doesn't say a word about the baking, he has his hobbys that don't make a mess in the house but are way more expensive than mine so he keeps his mouth shut. They also involve me watching the children most of the time so he has to be nice or he won't get me to agree to watch them.

Berry,
You need to have a family meeting. Deligate, remember that. Has any person ever seen what SAHP do? (I used stay at home people, because I know some dads do too) Even if you were not doing cakes, they need to be doing their share of the chores. Since the day I met my DH, I have told him that he is going to be doing his fair share of everything. Wheather one is working or not. My 3 kids had to also. My two boys knew how to clean their own bathroom at 12 and 9 and my daughter had her share. I had to have an blow up so stuff would get done. Also, at one point everyone had a hobby except for me. I was always involved with their hobbies. I called myself "the sponsor". LOL. But I finally after alot, I mean alot, of years I said that was enough. In '04 I had to pick up some grad stuff for my #2 son and was at Michaels (I had a blow up) and said dang it I am going to take that cake class--and the rest is history. Now all is at peace in my world. LOL. I shop for stuff on the clearance isles, I use the coupons and have a BIG LONG LIST of stuff I still would like to have. The kids and DH may not understand this hobby that we all have, so you might have to explain to them on their level. If they didn't have the hobby or get to do the hobby they have, wouldn't they be sad.
Plus, whenever we stop doing something, then they thing somethings wrong. Families need to work together to be happy and that includes SAMP because the world would fall apart with out them! Keep up the GREAT job! PS--been hitched for 23 yrs
Happy New Year!

I know what you mean from a very miniscule angle, as my parents too don't like that I "get overworked" and take "unnecessary" responsibilities (i.e. the bridal shower cake). Oh well, we just have to rebel.

My goodness, you could be my sister and he, my brother in law. It seems that it may be a common problem as when the man works and the woman does not the man may think the woman should do nothing but cater to them. I tell you, I have had conversations with my BIL and told him that the hobbies are a way my sister can express herself and it makes her happy. Period - end of story. You ever hear that if Momma ain't happy nobody is - there is a certain truth in that statement.

I would suggest a family meeting or something like that to indicate that you need and enjoy the decorating. Find out what the underlying problem is and discuss it and then compromise on a resolution - well one that allows you to do your decorating. Don't forget to equate it to the free time he spends on his hobbies. Something that is good for one in a partnership is good for another, regardless if you are SAHM or not, you need time to express yourself as well.

Or, you could just hide his electronics until he wants to play like a big boy and understand there is no difference between your hobbies and his...
~hugs~

Unfortunitly i know how you feel. DH doesnt mind my Cake decorating and is supportive BUT...There are no naps or sleeping in for me! Im a SAHM and he worke 40 hrs a week. His hobby is playing World of Warcraft online. He plays an insane amount. If he has a few days off hell go without sleep for 24 hrs to play. He does spend tim with me and the kids but its always reading to them, watching mivies or playing. Never feeding or bathing or dressing them or any of the hard stuff. I do what ever I want and there is never any flack for it but i certainly dont get the help I deserve. Alot of women are probably saying "not in my house bucko" but I decided long ago that i can be upset that he wont help and fight over it all the time or I can just do it myselfe. I never stop asking for a hand and the odd time I get it but when I dont I dont get stressed. Besides I do everythingbetter then him anyway. lol

If it every worked out, let HIM be the sahp for a while. My fiance was for a while when I worked, and he and the kids voted for me to stay home, with help. They really will never understand until they have to do it.

Ya know, men who have nothing to do with the kids except give them money are plenty - it's called paying child support. Not a suggestion, but maybe he needs to understand. If someone wants a nanny, they should HIRE one, not MARRY one.

seems like you both need to talk about this. He nneds to realize you need an outlet other than the kids - it is important for everyone to have something just for him/herself. You need to think about how the hobby affects others in the family (meaning if you rally are too tired because of staying up late on cakes, or if there is cake stuff everywhere and messes in the kitchen all the time).

Maybe consider restricintg "cake time" to a certain time on the weekends or 2 evenings per week or something like that. And HE needs to consider how he can do something to free you up for a litte "me time" to spend HOWEVER you want.

As far as the cleaning - every man (or woman) for himself. Even toddlers aren't too little to chip in. And older kids DEFINITELY need to help. I was doing the family laundry at 10. Kids really really can do a lot more than we sometimes think they can. and if your husband can't manage to at least get his dirty clothes into the laundry basket, then he just might have to wear dirty stuff.

question though - does he ASK you to make stuff to bring into his work, or do you do that on your own initiative?

I too am a SAHM. 5 1/2 and 3 3/4. The youngest just had his tonsils out, what a trying time! My husband is on shut down from work during the holidays and that is stressful. I am very blessed that he does do laundry, clean the kitchen (even my messes from cakes!) He's not one to dive right in for bath time or putting the kids to bed (unless I'm gone at night.) But he does understand and support that I really am loving doing cakes, pies and cookies. I've started my own business from my home, with a lot of support. He is also my "investor", but I've just started buying supplies with my cake money. I think just have a good, thorough discussion with your DH, and show him what it really means to you. You deserve your hobby too!

Aw honey! Sounds tough.

I had an ADHD child and a BIG house to take care of alone as my hubby at the time worked out of state.

My son was nickednamed CONAN THE DESTROYER because he would break EVERYTHING..and you couldn't take your eye off him for a second..

example...at age 16 months..he figured out how to open the door and ran off in the middle of a cold fall day ...and I lived in BEAR country..those where the LONGEST 20 mins of my life...and he was only in a DIAPER!

I started to age that day... and almost died when at 2 1/2 he found his way onto a 2 story high roof..

He would NEVER nap..finally would exhaust himself at around 11 pm and sleep..then I had to wake him up at 6 am to drive his sister to the school bus!!! HE was not a happy camper all day long..

then I had clean my house from midnight to about 3 or 4 am coz I couldn't get anything done with him underfoot..
for me to wake up at 6 am..I was a zombie..

The minute that man walked in the door every 2 1/2 weeks for a day and a half..I'd hand him the boy and run out the door..

Then I got smart...my house was spotless but I was exhausted..so...I tried to get them to help.

I wrote everyone's name on a set of dishes ...2 laundry baskets ..one for dirty one for clean...on laundry day if your dirty basket wasnt in the laundry room ...your laundry didn't get done...and i'd wash and fold and put into clean bucket..they had to come get it..

( I was also a foster mom...!)

So...if your dishes with YOUR name on them were in the sink when I got home to make dinner....YOU didn't eat..lol

I used to work part time at the local supermarket making muffins at that time...

well, things got worse and worse..till I finally went on strike...if they wanted to be pigs...be pigs in YOUR ROOM....close the door and I'd walk away..

They were banned from the living areas..and had to hang out in the family room..lol

It's tough..it's hard..SAHM is the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD> I don't care WHAT people say!

Hugs to you..don't let it get you down..maybe one day...that hubby is home...walk out the door...go to the spa or just a nice drive and let him deal with everything so he can see how hard it is...

(((MELISSA)))

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time If you truly enjoy it, keep doing it! I feel for you, my DH's only chores are going to the dump and mowing the lawn (6 mos. out of the year); I do everything else, in addition to working full-time. It would be nice if they pitched in sometime, eh? Bottom line is, do what you enjoy - you need to have an outlet too!!

So many guys expect every female to treat them as their own mother treated them. That is the problem. You need to have a talk with hubby and tell him...when you married him, you agreed to be his wife not his mother. Being that said, you still have a right to develope your own interests. He needs to respect that right. No, he won't unless you come right out and tell him. Tell him if he wants a mother go visit his mother.

When I was a SAHM, my husband didn't realize what I did all day until one day I wrote it down. Every time I did something, I put down the time and what it was.
6am wake kids.
6-6:15 make breakfast.
6:30-6:45 get kids dressed.
6:45-7 wash breakfast dishes.
7am find the kids shoes, and let the dogs out.
7:15 take kids to bus stop.

etc...

all day long...

It's been several decades now, and that paper is still where he posted it next to his computer. And he never wonders what I do all day...

I get really annoyed when I hear about something like this. Men can have their hobbies, whether it is Jeopardy, Golf, or working in the garage, as long as they get that "Me" time alone. So why is it they are so insecure and selfish that they can't allow their wives the same freedom or joy in having a hobby. Not all men are like this to be sure, many are supportive of their mates and even help in making cake boards, helping with delivery and setup, but they are rare. I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband and let him know that in being a wife, mother, homemaker and money earner we tend to lose who we are as a person. He will have a much happier wife if she doesn't feel guilty about doing something that brings her pleasure. And he will benefit from that in the long run. I know as young women, even in 2006 we are still hesitant to do something for ourselves if it means taking any time away from our mates and our children. As you grow older you will begin to see that you have the right to be you and not just Mrs. somebody, or mommy. It isn't selfish, it is healthy. For now I would suggest you do baking when he isn't home, or after he goes to bed, but don't give it up because you will begin to resent him for it if you do. And Lades, if you have sons, teach them from the very start that women are not put on earth simply to serve. If you don't do this they will grow up to think just like their fathers or previous generations of men.

It seems to me that there is more going on than his fussing over a hobby. I would start with communication, not the yelling, screaming kind but talking. Out to eat is a great place to start the conversation because it forces the people to not yell and to discuss the situation. My DH used to be like that when we first got married. He would stay up all hours and then sleep in. Well that is fine until baby makes 3. After seeing that he wasn't going to change I made it a point to spend an evening talking about my feelings and what I need. He in turn was able to voice his feelings and what he needed. Bottom line is that we were able to work out that he can't live like a bachlor anymore and I need to give him some space. Rarely does my husband stay up late but when he does I do allow him to sleep in but if I am up late then he allows me to sleep in. Not that I take advantage of it often but it is nice to know it is there.

If talking doesn't work then I would highly suggest couples counsuling. Marraige is a give and take relationship. You give but you also take. That being said on days where my husband seems to be always getting his way and never helping me with what I need I stop and take a minute to be thankful that I have a husband and four kids to take care of. That what I do on a daily basis enriches and enhances their lives. That I have a direct result if they are going to have a good day or a bad day.

I will pray for you and your husband.

Forgive me if another member has already said this, as I haven't read everyone's posts before responding (short on time). I decorate cakes, too, and am lucky to have an extremely supportive husband that sees the big picture and is eager to see this develop into a business.
I am also a Team Leader with Mary Kay Cosmetics. For consultants that come in with unsupportive husbands/significant others, we often tell them to conduct a sales appointment and turn their money over to them when they make it (of course, not forever, but to make a point). After a consultant makes money and gives it to her husband to CONTRIBUTE to their household, he starts to look at it differently. Understand?? He may start to understand that all the extra "free" cakes are a part of your development...and get genuinely excited when you get orders. Hope this helps...

Tell him it could be worse - you could take up nagging. That is a clean, clutter-free hobby, and would not cost him a cent.

Theresa

My heart goes out to you!!!!!

I have the same problem but my DH stays home 24/7 and doesn't do much. I have complained about this before on CC.
I hope that you can get your situation worked out.
I have cut back on cake considerably and according to my DH, it's not enough.
Wait till I tell him I have several wedding cakes to do in the spring!
I hope he will accept this when the time comes.
I'll be praying for you!
Life without cake decorating is like life without total meaning~!

I am so sorry to hear that you cannot enjoy your hobby! I really feel for you. My husband always told me that I needed a hobby so he was happy for me when I found one. We have 3 kids so I usually only do the cake thing on weekends and after the kids go to bed. My husband is a gemstone. He does laundry, diapers, baths, nighttime, dr visits, vacuuming, dusting, cooking....we have always done EVERYTHING 50/50 and this works out so well for us. We are a team. I stay at home now and we are still 50/50. He has had the week off and has done ALL the laundry, cleaned the kids rooms, our room, taken down and put away all the christmas decorations....If you do so much at home my dear you truely deserve to have time to enjoy your hobby.

My heart really goes out to you in such a tough situation. I hope for the sake of your sanity that your husband realizes how much this means to you. Maybe you could let him read this post.

For those of us with loving, supporting husbands, now would be a really good time to let them know how much we love and appreciate them for all that they do. I had really begun to take it for granted that my husband supports me in every way. Thanks for opening my eyes and I wish you the best in your situation.