Well, I've been gone for a while, not able or just plain had no desire to log on. There have been a few days that it was just too much effort to even smile. Those of you with teen-agers will totally relate to that feeling at one time or another, however, this time it is more than I ever thought I would be dealing with in my life, and I hope you all don't mind my venting here. I feel that if I don't get it out, I may just snap and really lose my mind....

Here is the story behind my frustrating last few weeks.

You all may or may not have seen my earlier posts about my step-son, who picked a fight with his dad on Father's Day in order to get sent back to his mom's so he didn't have to do any real school work here. Well this tops that story. How can that be you may be asking yourselves, well I have a daugther the same age as he, another mush brained, hormonal, teenager.

She has changed, for she used to be a sweet and thoughtful girl, who I could always count on to make the right choices. She still is about certain things. But things have taken a wrong turn this summer, in a very big way. While we were busy being frustrated with our step-son's behavior and all that it encumpassed(spelling), there was something going on with our daughter that is taking us to court on Monday.

Our daughter has been friends with a girl whose family has been going through a nasty divorce for the last 4 years. You know the type, the wife hates the husband and wants to punish him so she does everything she can to make him miserable and drags the children into her pettiness towards him. And the husband retaliates by doing more of the same stupid behavior that got him kicked out of the house in the first place, and then some more. Both of them using the kids as pawns against the other and therefore ruining them all. Still with me so far??

Suffice it to say that my daughter and their daughter became friends before I knew what was going on with the parents, well at least before I knew as much as I do now anyway. Our daughter was doing the usual sleep overs with her friend about twice a month, with me picking her up at the end of the weekend. Once at the beginning of June this summer, I went to get her and while I was sitting in the livingroom waiting for her to gather her things, I noticed a man(who I later found out is 22 and no relation to the father of my daughters friend)sitting in the darkened diningroom typing away on the PC in the corner. He was introduced to me by the father in the house as a friend who was just visiting. I didn't think anything of it at the time.

A few weeks later, after school let out for the year(June 27 was the last day) I got a strange phone call from my daughters friend. She was asking me if I had any problems with my daughter hanging out with her at her fathers house with this man there. I asked why and she went on to say that her other friend had been banned from the house because he was there. When I asked why she would not say. I asked further, "is there anything that you aren't telling me that I should know?" and she quickly said no and ended the conversation. This left me with a nagging feeling, but nothing that I could really pin down.

After that my daughter anounced that she and this girl were no longer friends, due to the fact that she was going around telling people stories about her, and saying nasty things that weren't true. She is known for this type of behavior in our church community, as well as her school, as I have now discovered from talking to other parents here. I told my daughter that this was for the best, and that I had hoped that she would have ended her friendship sooner than now. It is also something that we have fought about this last year.

This was just the tip of the iceburg as it turns out. The next thing that happens is that on the second week of July, while my daughter is out washing the car(which I know now was a set up and she had it all planned out), even though I am severly sick with broncitis, I went out to check on her progress and found this man's motorcycle parked on the hidden side of our driveway, and as I came around the side of the house, he comes from around the corner of my house with my 16 year old daughter. She is in her bathing suit, and he is soaking wet from his shoulders to his crotch. He goes to leave and I step in front of him and stop him from leaving and order him into the house where my husband is sitting at the PC. I "direct" him into the room and tell my husband what I have just found. (My husband is a federal police officer, and we are both gun owners, matching glochs and various rifles, and my husband collects both guns and swords) My husband proceeds to read him the riot act and let him know what will be the concequences if he returns here or has any further contact with our daughter. He agrees to what he is told. Or so we thought.

Of course our daughter thinks we are stupid and she is defiant and mad. The next few weeks she is secretly sneeking out of the house at night, and early in the morning, to meet with him, in the park at the bottom of our street, and possibly at the home of the former friends father. We may never know the full story there. I catch her not once, but 3 times at this park with him, each time warning him to stay away. In the meantime he has done his "homework" and has found out that he can legally have sex with our daughter at 16 in the state of WA without our consent, and he has arrogantly told our daughter this who of course relays the message for him to us. Essentially thumbing his nose at us, let alone my husband the cop! That was all during the month of July!

Thankfully we left on vacation the first week of August. Stupidly I thought that we would have her away from him and we would have no problems on the trip, and maybe it would go away for when we came home. She seemed herself again anyway. That as it turns out was just what she wanted me to think.

As it turns out, she was using the cell phone that my ex gave our son, to call him, text him, and he was calling her every single night at 3 am. That is until I confiscated the phone because the kids were fighting over it.

The very day we got home she snuck(is that a word?) out of the house to meet him, before anyone else was up, and before her boss came to pick her up for work. The third day we were home I got up early for some reason, at 7:15am, and realized that the house was quiet, and she was not getting ready for work. I went down to wake her, so she would be ready for work on time, and realized that she was missing. I searched the entire house, including the yard. She was gone. None of her clothes were missin, not even her purse. This meant she was in her pajamas. I woke my husband, and called her boss, thinking that maybe she had picked her up early. When she told me she had not, and wasn't coming until 8am, I told her that my other daughter would babysit for her, while I dealt with her sister. She agreed. ( Later I also found out that this man was visiting my daughter at the house where she was babysitting nearly everyday, and was even showing up at the pool, and the mall when she sent my daughter there with her children. I wish I had known this much sooner.)

Just as my husband was leaving the area of the park, and the "boss" was pulling up into my driveway, I spot my daughter running as fast as she can from the park, towards us. I motion for her to get into the house as her sister gets into the car. Her boss, my friend, wishes me luck and pulls away.

When I get into the house, I am met with a load of lies about meeting her friend Scotty(who I call "one of the girls") to give him his stuff. It's all a lie, and not a smart one at that, since he has only been to our house once, and that was about 5 minutes before we all got into the car and left to go to a halloween party, last fall.

I tell her that this is the last straw and that she is banned from doing anything, and it's up to her boss wether she still has a job or not. No phone, no laptop, or other type of PC, and no going anywhere. It's almost impossible for me to hear if she is up at night, since I have medication for restless leg syndrome that makes me sleep, so of course she still is sneeking up, getting on her sisters PC and making arrangements to meet, via MSN messenger, and then sneeking out in the night to do so.

What is wrong with this guy?????????? Also is the friend who lives down the street by the park, that is a girl that she has befriended. She is a clincially depressed, self-mutilator, loose with the boys, mess. I don't like my daughter hanging out with her either, and she is helping with these little meetings. She also has in the past, been a guest in our home until my other daughter heard her saying some really nasty things about me to her sister. Disrespectful on top of everything else. And this is who my daughter calls a friend....??

Anyway, once the last sneeking out took place, I called my ex, and he flew out to meet with me, her, and my husband. We all sat in a room and we talked to her for about 3 hours, and she told us everything we wanted to hear. Part of me knew that's what she was doing, but we were hoping that some of what we said would make some sense to her. Obviously we were wrong to think that at all.

Things got worse over the next week, now 2 weeks ago. She was still determined to defy us and meet with him, and he would not let her be either. She told me that not only was she sneeking out to meet him, but he was sneeking over and sleeping under our deck!!! With my husband right above him in the familyroom!!

We decided that we had to do something legally about this. I made a trip to the county courthouse that week(now two weeks ago), and filed for a protection order against him) Once I told the clerks what was going on, they hooked me up with court records too and gave me copies of his criminal record. This was an eye opener!!!!!

Listen to this!! He was arrested for a felony possession with intent to distribute. And he beat up his former girlfriend! He was given a court appointed attorney, who plead the charges down and got him a reduced charge with a sentence of 30 days house arrest with and electronic ankle braclet, and 12 months probation after that. His sentencing period was, and get this: June 8, 2007 to July 8, 2007!! My daughter admitted that he had first slept under our deck on July 1st!!!! This is a violation of his sentencing agreement. We contacted the sheriff's and they gave us his PO's name and number and told us to contact him immediately. We did. He was very interested in this information and told us to also call the CCO(County Corrections Offices) and talk to the man in charge of this case. He would also want to know about this.

After this, I went in front of a judge, that same day, and she granted it, the minute she saw what it was about. We were given a court date for this coming monday for the guy to come in and respond to the paperwork. He was suppose to be served this last Tuesday. We will see what takes place.

In the meantime, once we told our daughter what was happening, she started packing and threatening to run off to this guy, or some other place, I don't know exactly what she was doing there... She was angry and said that she didn't care about me or anyone else in our house, and that I was just a "stupid old, grey-haired lady" that didn't know sh***! That hurt me most of all...

I told her that was it, I wasn't putting up with this any longer, and she was on her way to her father's in Idaho for a while. We have other children in the house, who were present for this little tyraid of hers, and they didn't deserve this, nor would we let her subject them to the danger that she had brought into our household, any longer. I sent her up to her room and out of my site for the time being. I could hear her stomping around and banging things from all the way down in the kitchen....little brat.

I got on the phone and called my ex and told him to come and get her. He almost dropped the phone. He knows that's the last thing I would ever do for any of our kids. I don't want them there. His mother and father are manipulative and contentious, and strive always to make me look like a horrible mother. But I can't have her here, dragging the rest of the family down, putting herself and us in danger, and setting such a bad example for her little sister. And the stress she has put me under has made me physically ill for weeks. Enough is enough.

He was especially taken aback that I was in tears when I called. I don't cry normally. The "tough country girl" in me I guess. But my heart is broken and I can't help her anymore. Even as I was making arrangements to put her on a plane, she was saying she was "outta here", so I told my ex, that I had to hang up for a bit and call the police, and I would call him back.

The sheriff deputy arrived and really read her the riot act. She was crying the whole time, but not because she had seen the error of her ways. She was mad, and she finally realized, after he told her so, that she had no rights. She is the child, and we are the parents. She has to do what we say. At least for the next 2 years anyway. Then she is free to screw up her life is that is what she chooses.

Last Sunday we put her on a plane to Idaho. She went, with a fake smile on her face, and telling me she's not mad at me. I've called 4 times this week to see how things are going. She's staying with her grandmother 3 days a week, cuz dad is a trucker, and his wife is a school teacher and does extra work for the district that keeps her out till 2am most nights.

I talked to the grandmother on tuesday and she basically told me that she is going to try and get her involved in so many things there that she won't want to come back here. This is exactly why I don't like to have my kids there!!!!! GRRR!!!! I have yet to speak to my ex about this. She gave her permission to go to a school dance tonight....another thing that I don't want her doing. She is not there to go to parties! School is something that she is doing there because she has to, for grades, not for fun. And she is to be "home" after that. She's there to face her choices, and make some changes, not to have "party time". I thought her father and I were clear on that subject.

Apparently we have to talk about this again. Anyways, as you can see, my plate has been pretty full lately, and I am sure that it is not over yet. I can't believe that it's happening, and I wish it would just go away!!!

I am praying that by the time October 13 rolls around(the date she says she wants to be home by), she will have pulled her head out, and she will realize how stupid she has been. I also expect to hear two little words from her, "I'm sorry"......but I'm not holding my breath for that one.

Sorry this was soooo long.....thanks for letting me rant alittle.

Oh no. I don't have any advice, just some hugs, and I think you are doing the right thing by sending her away.

Hi

I know that I don't 'know' you, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time right now.

{{hugs}}

Suzanne x

Oh My God... ((( hugs )))) I have an 18 yr old son & apart from the squabbles with younger brothers & general laziness ,he hasn't given me any grief about anything !! I do have a daughter ( nearly 2 ) with an attitude already & I can only hope & pray she won't be a horrible teenager..
Reading your story,nearly made me cry !!! Thank goodness you can deal with the guy through the courts....I think I would have throttled him ( bet you felt like that !! )
I really hope things improve with your daughter, sending her away must have been really tough....

Hi there!!

My heart goes out to you in this sad time!!
I had a similar experience when my daughter was a teenager, so I know what
you are going thru. OK, mine wasn't as bad as yours but it also hurt when they become pig-headed and see things only their way.
I was also called all the names under the sun that one can think of for not allowing her to do what she wanted to do.
Anyway, today she is a married lady with two children and all is well.
One can only pray for you and your family and hope that she will see the light! But, as most teenagers are, they don't see things the way we parents do. I always tell my kids, that today, I can see why my parents did certain things, forbid us to do other things. But, at that time, you only saw it your way.
Keep your chin up and I hope you are feeling a lot better (healthwise).

I will keep you in my prayers,

Charmaine

Hugs for you!

So sorry you are having to deal with a scum bag like that guy.

Your MIL has the right idea about getting your DD involved in activities though. Not so sure about the decency of saying that she won't want to come home.

My DD is 14 and was having seemingly minor problems with "friends" at school.

On the other hand my DD is involved in things after school and is in contact with her old primary friends. So, she doesn't have just one bunch of friends but at least three where she can turn to if her school friends are acting bitchy.

My DD is a well rounded mature headed girl who sees the downfall in her school friends compared to her friends from extra - curricular activities.

My heart goes out to you and I can only imagine how spent your energy must be having to deal with this esp. going to court etc.

Hope it all works out and your daughter can work thru this knowing that her mother loves her very much....

WOW!!! You really have your hands full. All I can offer is prayer!!! hang in there, teenegers can be very tough.
God Bless you

argh teenagers.....I feel for you.... I have 2 sons,18yrs (he'a lucky to have made that milestone!!) and 15 yrs, I also have 2 daughters 17 and 2..(some days the 2 yr old seems to be the most mature)

...I have always been proud of the way my kids had grown up,bright, respectful, polite happy -go lucky young adults......well about 10mths ago that all changed, my eldest son went completly off the rails. He all of a sudden started socialising with a new group of "friends" He was a top athlete and had been talent scouted for a professional AFL club (something he had been working at for over 10yrs and was over the moon about) Well once in with this new crowd he gave up all sports, I never saw or heard from any of his former friends, he started drinking and smoking (and god knows what other stuff....I have my suspicians about drugs) He would go out and not come home til the next dayHe became angry and aggressive...When he wasnt talking to us all like a dirt he would hide away in his room for hrs even days without talking to anyone....then he started stealing from us, mobile phs went missing ( he ran up a $7000 bill on my mobile...I'm still paying for that one, he used my credit card and the lies OMG....I have to say I was knocked for a 6...... I tried talking to him, reasoning with him, yelling an screaming...even crying (something I rarley do)..he locoked me out of his room whilst we were arguing one day.... I was so angry I got a drill and drilled out the lock.....I was like raving lunatic ...my semi peacful house had become a complete mad house!!! The only bright side is he had a job something none of his "new" friends had!! I dove the streets in the middle of the night,for hours looking for him and dragging him home ...all to no avail. Back in April we had to go to a family wedding and at the last minute he refused to come.....but I was one step ahead of him.... I had organised my ex his father to pick him up and have him for the weekend, this way I knew he'd go to work and not hang out with this crowd..I knew he would try this one on me!!... so we weet off to the wedding.....all weekend he called me to see how we were and how the wedding was going, how the family was etc....chatting and talking like the "old" son I knew..mmmm maybe we were getting past this ugly hormonal teenage phase...How wrong I was....just before we were leaving he rang me to say he had been "rolled" He had his teeth broken and his mob stolen on his way to work..... so I panic pack the car and head home .....I pull up and straight away knew something was not right at home....for starters he is there (funny I made sure he had no house keys)and our other car has been moved and where the hell is my big pot plant gone??? So i start yelling as I go into the house (which I notice has been cleaned...strange...but there is a funky smell)... then my 17 yr daughter starts yelling ..her room has been trashed, what wasn't trashed was stolen....reality hits..his had a party...I check the rest of the house ....playstation and games gone....cds, stereo, printer, 2 tvs, ipods, gameboys, everything in the bar, including my decroating alcohol, gone gone gone.....large screen tv, 2x pc monitors, 2 harddrives, phs smashed. all up over $20000 lost and damaged..and the funky smell...vomit on the lounge and urine on my carpets.. they had even damaged my nieghbours cars and property...he was already in tears when I got to him.. then I lost it and punched him in the face(something I'm really ashamed of, I have never punched anyone in anger!)once I started I couldn't stop...his stepfather had drag me off him...I calmed a little and made him give me the names & addresses of his "mates" i went to everyones parents to let them know what their boys were up to.....most didn't care and two of them said they had been at my house and saw nothing OMG..some ppl dont deserve to be parents! I spoke to my ex and my son had talked him in to letting himstay at home (idiot) My son meanwhile starts packing his bags...I dont think so buddy.. he was told he was going no where until he paid for and replaced everything that was lost and damged...then he could go!!.. the next week he lost his job...as his unsavoury mates were caught stealing from his shop!!! that was it ..from then on I cut off all his friends, he had no mobile, no pc and I refused to let him out, I followed him like a stalker....I told his "mates " I had reported them to the police so they were too scared to come near the house.......well 6months later my boy ( young adult) is back...he is fit, healthy and happy, he applied for the Navy passed all the tests (he did so well he could apply for any job he wanted!) ...his enlistment date is 24th September....and he is soo excited ...I'm so proud and happy for him!!

so hang in there .......you've done the right thing... your daughter sounds like my kids they are "good kids" with good morals and she will too "wake up" and see what she is doing is wrong......they just need some help to see this from good mums

Momkiksbutt,

I am so sorry that you are going thru this DRAMA right know. I was a rebelious tenagaer ones.
I am so sorry that your going thru this drama know and They said that love is blind but not stupid. I was a teenager ones and I recalled driving my mom crazy but nothing like this. The only thing I can tell you is to maybe show the police file report to your daughter tell her that the proof is in the pudding and that you are not making things up. That yes you understand that liking someone is normal but when that person she likes is dangerous well that is when mom steps in. I only hope and pray that when she becomes of legal age she does not run off and do something really stupid and have intercourse with this Peter file and gets Prego . I pray for your sanity and your family. I am very happy or should I say proud that you are a Gun owner, My husband and I own our guns to legally and when he steps into your property o well his lost and you have every legal right to protect your family and most of all your children.

God luck to you and your family and always remember God is only a prayer away.

My best wishes for you and your family.
God Bless
Michelle

Hey Momskikbutt,

I unfortunately know exactly what you are going through. I have three children, 19, 14, 4. The oldest two are girls. The 19 year old started that kinda S#^& with our family. It went on for a couple of years. Until she turned 18. Then ol' Mom here threw her A$$ out.
Do not second guess what you have done. You did the RIGHT thing. I love my kids and would do anything for any of them. My daughter is not a bad kid. She got to the stage where she said she did not have to follow rules and her boyfriends are her busisness. Correct, when you turn 18 and NO longer live in my house. My house, my rules.

To make a LONG story short, went through the boyfriend thing a time or two, went through the name calling, the groundings, stomping, slamming doors until the faceing came off, crying, yelling and yes even physical.
Ha ha I won. Didn't hit her just pinned her on her bed and she couldn't do a da*& thing about it. Now I didn't throw her out in the streets. We have another home that is very nice and was not being rented. So, I packed her S$%^ and sent her and her little mustang down the road. NOw she has to pay me rent every week or she will be on the street.

As for rules, since we are still paying for college she only has to be home on a school night at a decent hour and NO male friends over night. If she is gonna shack up it will not be in any of my houses.

So, I know how you feel. I hurts like H3!! for a child that you have raised since conception or adoption to hurt you. My only advice is to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY...and of course kick them out.

I have raised my kids with the word of God, so they know what is right and what is wrong. They will eventually come back to you.

My daughter has been on her own almost completely for the last six month. She is really realizing how hard it is. She has spologized but believe it or not we still but heads on a few things.
One lady told me one time that two women just cannot live in the same house. I agree. So keep you head up and I will say a special prayer for you in church this morning.

Stay strong and if you ever need to vent again go ahead.

Liezee22

By the way, Momskikbutt,

Honey I would be grey too if I were not a blonde! Although I do think the blonde is looking a little whiter!

Hang in there....lots of prayers coming your way....

Every child at some point rebels. During that process all hell breaks loose as they defie their parents and struggle to become independent. Most of them make some stupid choices during this period. About all you can do is pray they don't self-destruct in the process. That and keep on fighting to keep them safe-in other words, don't give up.

Your ex-MIL may be your personal PIA and her motives may be questionable, but she's right about getting your daughter involved in activities. Anything to get the girl's brain off the felon she left behind. Right at the moment your daughter more than likely thinks she's 'Juliet ' separated from her 'Romeo.' If she discovers that being away from him is fun, that is a good thing.

Momkiksbutt :

I don't think its true that the 22 yr old can legally have sex with your daughter...the legal consent age may be 16, but i think that if he is more than 60 months older than her, it is statutory rape and you can prosecute. I would actually look into pursuing this because of his criminal record and the fact that you don't want him to do it to anyone else.

Teenagers can be extremely difficult, emotional, angry, etc etc. I used to tell my mom I hated her too....I think almost every teen at some point has said that to their parents. Hopefully this is just a rough patch and you guys will work it out.

(((HUGS))) and prayers to you and your family.

Molly2

I'm sorry you're going thru all this hun. I have 1 child of my own, 8 yrs old, she's acting like a teenager lol. I have 3 step kids, 15, 13, and 11. The 13 yr old hates his mother with a passion and wants nothing more then to come live with us and she won't allow it. Says she'll send him to military school before she allows him to come live with us. She's now dying of Lupus and has TOLD my husband and me that we HAVE to abide by her Will and her wishes to have her husband/cousin become their legal guardians when she dies and for us to still pay child support to him until they are 18, or if they go to college 21. Well we've fought about all that and left it alone... we'll deal with it when she's gone cause her husband don't want them he can't stand them lol...

ANYWAY!!!!... have you tried to contact the other mother yet to find out why she refused to allow her daughter over there to the chicks house when this guy was there??? Maybe there is more to this that you don't know.

What I'd be affraid of is a child molester or rapist that hasn't been labeled yet/caught yet.... I'd contact the other childs parents and find out exactly why they forbid their daughter to return to that chicks house with him there....

Wow. That must of been so hard to send her to Idaho, in my opinion you did the right thing. Someday she will realize how much you love and care for her. Hang on, it just might take a while.

You really have your plate full, take care of yourself too!

ok, I'm going to play devil's advocate here. First, take a deep breath, and continue to say.."this too shall pass". Second, you sent your daughter to live with the father...at this point, it's out of your hands. It is now his responsibility to raise her as he sees fit. If he passes her off to his mother for a few days...that's up to him. You really don't have a right to enforce your rules on them. You can voice your concerns, opinions..etc, but she is there under their roof with their rules.

I absolutely understand without a doubt how hard this is for you. I have an 18 yr old son with me, who is bi-polar. Does that give him the right to become violent with me? NO!! I told him back in April that I will no longer call the police on him unless 1 of 2 things were happening...he either made me feel that I or my husband were in danger of him...or if he threatened to harm himself. On Mother's Day, I had to call the police. He hit my husband, then me, then threatened himself. I was forced to take him to a mental health hospital. Just a few weeks ago, had to do it all over again. All this because he chooses not to take his meds!! The deal is...3 strikes and you are out. Am I being mean? NO...I am being a parent. Sometimes you can't be a mom and a friend. Being a parent and being mom are sometimes way different as well. It will really suck while it's going on, but in the end it will pay off.

I have a 23 yr old now that says he now see's where I stood and why I did some of the things I have done with him. He got into a fight at school, got a fine and his dear ol' pal dad "took care of it". He got into another fight, got another fine, and said to me, that's ok, Dad will take care of this one too. I asked what he meant, and he said Dad got it lowered to court cost only (35.00). I said hmmm....well, I took him to the magistrates office, and the magistrate got in my face about what was going on. I told him if he had done HIS job then the kid may not be back in here, I said you lowered his first fine to court costs only, and that only taught him that you can get into a fight, get a fine, and not be accountable for it. I said you will NOT lower this one, he has to learn, andsometimes you have to learn the hard way. He said...oh, playing tough love huh? I said, no...it's called PARENTING!!

Anyhow, what I am trying to say, is that your daughter is going to rebel whether she is in Idaho, your place, wherever. Don't give in, stand your ground, take a stance. You seem like you can make good decisions, when all the drama isn't happening. Ya know, sometimes kids have to fall on their butts and get bruised butt cheeks before they see the light, and some have to fall on their faces. You can still be there to lend a hand and help them up....but don't always feel you have to catch them before they fall.

Keep praying and keep saying that this too shall pass. It really will, trust me.

Thank you for posting your well written story. I hope it made you feel better to let it out. You're not alone. We all have lives besides cake.

First off Hugs to you and good luck. Hopefully this too will pass for you. I have a teenager as well that we were having troubles dealing with. This summer he left for his Dad's with the threat that he was moving there. I had a very stressful summer worrying that he wasn't coming back. When he is at my ex's he gets anything he wants (they are trying to buy him off) and they have the money for the trips etc. Well my son saw the light and is back. Since he has been home things have gone much better between us and he has changed a few of his friends and gotten into sports. I hope that everything works out for you as well. Your daughter will eventually get to the point where she will understand where you are coming from. It just takes some longer than others. (now that I have a teen I am apologizing to my Mom for her grey hair too!)

Well I have also been there, but not as the parent but as the teenage daughter. I was 14 years old seeing a 26 year old disc jockey. He would come over and see me every Saturday night when I was babysitting down the road. This was in the 1970's. I was devastated when my parents found out and I couldn't see him anymore. So I can see this from your daughter's point of view but now that I am 47 years old and have had kids of my own, I can see the parents side of it also. Of course the parents side is the correct choice. When you are 14 and seeing a 26 year old you think it's love. I wish I had some advice for you. The only thing I can think of that my parents didn't do to me was to just sit me down and talk to me about it. Like, what did I see in him? Why did I want to be with him? Maybe I was lacking some physical affect from my dad. Or I didn't have a close enough relationship with my mom. I don't know but I think if and when she comes back to your home, you should just sit her down and really talk to her about her feelings.

sunflowerfreak

Trudi, (I know this isn't your forum) just want to say, I wish your son well and hope that all turns out well for him!!

Momkisbutt, hope you are feeling a little better by now???

Is there anyway you could talk to your daughter rationally about this? From your post you (completely understandably) were 'reading her the riot act' at every stage. She thinks she loves this man and she's acting out all her fantasies about what love is like; unconditional, blah blah blah. She needs her Mum to listen. try to understand and help her make decisions. At this rate when their 'relationship' falls apart she won't be able to come to you as she'll get a 'I told you so.'

I was involved in an abusive relationship with a really horrible man when I was young and nothing anyone said would have made me leave him - despite getting split lips etc. from him. When it did fall apart (he cheated on me and I woke up) I told no-one and felt totally alone. My Mum hated this man (quite rightly so) but it meant I couldn't go to her.

You have to love your daughter and you can't make her choices for her - you just have to be there to pick up the pieces and hopefully guide her. This is her life now.

Please don't take my comments the wrong way, I completely understand all you are feeling and why you are making your choices. Love is totally blind and when you're young you make massive mistakes thinking you're in love - I'm sure you did.

Having been both the terrible teen and the mother of 2 girls I can feel for you. When my oldest started acting up at 16 we tried everyting to get her straighten out. We even called her dad telling him to take her because I had enough, well he refused saying he did not have the room for her and just told her to behave. Well she dropped out of High school, we did manage to get her to get a GED and we signed her up for college hoping to get her on the straight and narrow well she started acting up even worst enough was enough and we kicked her out. She moved in with her dad and thats when all hell broke loose. Not only did he let her do what she wanted but he had no control over her. She got fired from her job dropped out of college, she was in love. She met this looser of a guy and he talked her into moving to Georgia with him. She called me up cring about 6 months later wanting to come home. I told her that she could come home but things had to change she needed to go back to school and do something with her life. Her grandmother (fathers side) paid an old boyfriend of hers money to drive up there and get her. She comes home but to her dads saying she could not live with our rules that she was an adult and wanted to be treated like one. Well that was at the time that I had found out that I had a tumor in my lung and was going to have surgury to remove part of my lung and DH thought I did not need the agravation of her around. Well one week later she moves back to Georgia because she misses this guy and he promised to change. She stays with him for a few more months before he left her. Now she finds this other guy moves in with him. Now this guy is a little better but I still don't trust him all the way. Now she is 7 months pregant and now she is wanting to change. I am hoping that being a mother she will finally grow up and relise that she now has a little one to think about and not just herself.

Mommykicksbutt.... I'm so sorry for you and your family. I could have written you post (except her dad lives with me so no where to send her). My daughter threated to leave many times. She would tell us she would rather live in a box down by the river than in our home Because she was a minor we couldn't just let her leave. One night things got real ugly and she was leaving, her dad told her, if you aren't staying here, then our only choice is to call the sheriffs office. We did. They read her the riot act. They told her she could stay in our loving home or go downtown with them. Then went on to tell her that the next morning she would go to court and the judge she would see would send her home and make her do classes and possible community service. She chose to stay home and things were tolerable for a short while. Then it all started again. She left home at 17( a few months short of 18 ) Problem was she didn't bother to tell us she was leaving, just didn't come home or call for a week. We knew her friends knew where she was because our phone quit ringing. At 18 she has a boyfriend, age 32, she is currently living with him. She has lived in 11 places in the last 13 months. We do speak now, some. It still hurts and is overwhelming.
Mommykicksbutt.....I can tell you that they have free will. God gave us all free will and even when we know right and wrong...it doesn't mean we will make the right choice. I tried to be the best mom I could be (as I'm sure you have as well) I really struggled with the question of "what did I do wrong?" Sometimes the guilt is over whelming for me. I try to lay it down. She is a person and has to make her own mistakes ( she is doing one heck of a job with this). I pray that one day she and I will be friends like my mother and I were (as adults). I'm not sure that will happen, I will have to wait and see.
I hope things get better in you family soon. As others have stated, draw the line for what is and isn't accecptable and stick to it. She will call your bluff to see if you mean what you say. Hang in there.

As a mother of a little girl (and twin boys) my heart is really breaking for you. I can not imagine how hard this is.

My own thoughts...
By sending your dd to live with her dad, you also give up the right to make a lot of decisions. If her dad wants her to spend time at her grandmother's that is his decision to make, since he is now responsible for her. Certainly it would be nice if they would consult you and ask for your opinion, but that may not happen. I'm sure there are going to a lot of things that you are not going to agree with, but since she lives with him now, there is not a lot you will be able to do about it. After being the one responsible for dd for so long, that will be a very hard thing to adjust to.

I think it might be a good idea to give her a little space. Less phone calls or emails. More "how are things going" instead of "you need to do this." She may come to realize that she misses you and wants to resume a good relationship with you.
Also, I agree with Emma. At some point (hopefully sooner than later!) she will realize how awful she has been acting (or, God forbid, get into some sort of trouble again). She may decide that she really needs you, but might feel like she cannot come to you. Maybe send her a letter or an email (not a phone call!) just letting her know that despite everything, you will always love her with all your heart and will be there for her.

Good luck. Let us know how things are going.

I can also appreciate the hard decision you made to send her to dad's house (not sure I would have been able to do that, had i been in your shoes, considering my ex!).

Also agree that it's good for her to be involved in lots of activities. you don't want her sitting in her room with nothing to do but "pine away" for this guy.

Going to a dance is not a bad thing. you didn't sent her to dad for a punishment. you dont' want to send the message that going to dad's house is what happens when you are "bad". If you are "controlling" her from across the country, it will just build up the resentment.

(current) hubby didnt' like our oldest daughter's first boyfriend. Only when she joined the army and found out there were different kinds of guys out there, did she realize how much better she was now than when she was dating him.

With involvement in lots of activities and meeting new (nice!) people at school dances, she will be exposed to people different than this guy and realize how much better off she is .... which is your goal.

Hugs to you, mom!

Thanks so much for all the words. I guess I should clarify a couple of things though.

First of all my daughter is only with her dad for a few weeks, not permenantly. Also, I have primary custody of my children. So of course I have say so in what she does there. Her father agrees, and we are working together to do what is best for her at this time. There is a long family history when I was married to him, of his parents trying to control and manipulate things in our household. It's a big part of the reason we got divorced. That and the fact that his father physically assulted me in front of two of my children, and my husband(the ex) told me that I deserved it. That was the end of our marriage. My DD was 8 years old at that time. Grandmother called me every name in the book, and tried to help my ex have me claimed unfit in the courts during our divorce. That was 8 years and an entire lifetime ago. She continues to manipulate my children everytime they go there. Subtley, but surely. They are now old enough to know what she is doing, and don't fall for it. Good for me. Saves me alot more headaches that I am more than happy to be rid of. It is also why she and I don't talk much now either.

Secondly, it is a sort of "cooling off" period for us, mainly for the family here to cool off, she could care less about our feelings right now. Her father and I agree that her being down there is for one purpose only. For her to have a realization of what she has been doing, and to change her ways. We are deeply religious, and he has made sure right off the bat, that she is involved with as many church related functions as are available. Being LDS, this means release time Seminary, Young Womens on weekdays, and regular church on sundays. We lived there for 10 years before our divorce, and there are a great many people that she remembers, and families that I admire, that she has become reaquainted with this week. I am exstatic about that. The lesson in this becomes thus: Compare the difference between the kids that you are hangning out with there that are members of the church, and non-members that are making good choices, and the ones that you have chosen to call "friend" here. If you can see the difference, and recognize how much better you feel, when you surround yourself with the right friends, ones that make you feel good about being you, and make you want to be a better person; then you are on the track to change in your life.

This one lesson that we as parents have challenged her to this week. I wait to see what she comes up with.

I prescribe to the wise adege(spelling) that says: " I am your parent, not your friend. You may not like me. In fact I expect that you won't some of the time. That's ok, so long as you know that I am the parent and not your friend. "

I think that alot of parents today have forgotten that wise advise. My step son is a prime example of that. His mom has told us more than once, that she wants to be her childrens friend because she doesn't want them to not like her. She is willing to let them do whateve makes them happy, so they will "like" her. Even if it's not safe or good for them. It's that kind of parenting that breeds failure in our children, and chaos in our society. Boundriless(is that a word?), self important, individuals that think they are entitled to things just for being born. You have only to take a walk around your local highschool to see what I am talking about. It makes me so mad.

As far as my being to "in your face" with my DD. Well, if you ask my husband, I'm not "in your face" enough. I have given this girl dozens of "chances", and oppertunity to make better choices. I've let her "go with friends" to the mall, and each time she has done something to break the rules, and defy my wishes. All the while telling her friends how terrible she has it at home and how much she hates her family. I've taken her to the movies(her and I and sometimes with the other girls), and I've let her have sleepovers with friends here. Even with ones I don't like much. This with the notion of showing that I was trying to give her the chance to prove she is trustworthy again. Heck, the last two weeks before I sent her to Idaho, I was driving her butt around picking up and then dropping off, job applications, thinking that she was really going to start being responsible and do better. I found out that she was only doing this because she was looking to be emancipated and had done alittle "homework" and found that one of the stipulations are that she be employed and able to provide for herself and pay her bills. Once she announced that, I quit. And she was thinking that she would be moving in with this guy on top of that!

She's had everything she asked for this summer and then some, when she was good, and making reasonable choices. When she hasn't, she has been grounded. No different that anyone else in the household. I have been a parent over all. Reasoning with a willfull child who has been manipulated by someone to think that her family hates her and don't understand her...is nearly impossible to do. Trust me we have tried it all. What is happening now, was the only choice left. As much for her as for the rest of us.

I think she will come around in time, hopefully she will come back with a better appreciation for what she really does have here. I know that some of the people that she has befriended that really do have bad situations at home, or who have created one themselves, would jump at the chance to have the home and family that she has.

I feel like I am back on the ranch with the herdof hard-headed cows that always seem to have to poke their greedy heads into the yard to get at the grass when they have a whole beautiful pasture to feed on. "The grass is always greener on the other side"....so pointless and annoying.

I am praying, and so is my ex, that she comes around sooner rather than later, and we think she will. It won't be easy, but then nothing worthwhile or good for us is usually. Things weren't designed that way for a reason.

It's the most difficult thing in the world to sit back and watch your child self-distruct. And we've had the horror of watching it twice this year now. Hopefully we have caught things soon enough to make a change for the better.

We were up till 3am this morning preparing for court, and got up at 6:15am. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now nearly 7pm. I am exhausted, sick from lack of sleep, and lack of appetite. We found when we got to court that the papers had not been served because the sheriffs office had their collective heads up their butts this last week. The judge was not happy, and issued me a "re-issue order" to be served. She also granted me a fee waiver for service. We took it up to the sheriffs office and I didn't leave this time until I knew they had all the right information for service. NO EXCUSES. He should get served either today or tomorrow. We go back to court October 1st. I am soooo ready to do that.

I'll be glad to get all this over with. Perhaps I will finally be able to rest then.


Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers, and helpful advise. All is much appreciated and very much needed right now. I'll keep you posted of our progress.


Well, time to go and feed the family that are still here. BBQ awaits!!

Thanks so much for all the words. I guess I should clarify a couple of things though.

First of all my daughter is only with her dad for a few weeks, not permenantly. Also, I have primary custody of my children. So of course I have say so in what she does there. Her father agrees, and we are working together to do what is best for her at this time. There is a long family history when I was married to him, of his parents trying to control and manipulate things in our household. It's a big part of the reason we got divorced. That and the fact that his father physically assulted me in front of two of my children, and my husband(the ex) told me that I deserved it. That was the end of our marriage. My DD was 8 years old at that time. Grandmother called me every name in the book, and tried to help my ex have me claimed unfit in the courts during our divorce. That was 8 years and an entire lifetime ago. She continues to manipulate my children everytime they go there. Subtley, but surely. They are now old enough to know what she is doing, and don't fall for it. Good for me. Saves me alot more headaches that I am more than happy to be rid of. It is also why she and I don't talk much now either.

Secondly, it is a sort of "cooling off" period for us, mainly for the family here to cool off, she could care less about our feelings right now. Her father and I agree that her being down there is for one purpose only. For her to have a realization of what she has been doing, and to change her ways. We are deeply religious, and he has made sure right off the bat, that she is involved with as many church related functions as are available. Being LDS, this means release time Seminary, Young Womens on weekdays, and regular church on sundays. We lived there for 10 years before our divorce, and there are a great many people that she remembers, and families that I admire, that she has become reaquainted with this week. I am exstatic about that. The lesson in this becomes thus: Compare the difference between the kids that you are hangning out with there that are members of the church, and non-members that are making good choices, and the ones that you have chosen to call "friend" here. If you can see the difference, and recognize how much better you feel, when you surround yourself with the right friends, ones that make you feel good about being you, and make you want to be a better person; then you are on the track to change in your life.

This one lesson that we as parents have challenged her to this week. I wait to see what she comes up with.

I prescribe to the wise adege(spelling) that says: " I am your parent, not your friend. You may not like me. In fact I expect that you won't some of the time. That's ok, so long as you know that I am the parent and not your friend. "

I think that alot of parents today have forgotten that wise advise. My step son is a prime example of that. His mom has told us more than once, that she wants to be her childrens friend because she doesn't want them to not like her. She is willing to let them do whateve makes them happy, so they will "like" her. Even if it's not safe or good for them. It's that kind of parenting that breeds failure in our children, and chaos in our society. Boundriless(is that a word?), self important, individuals that think they are entitled to things just for being born. You have only to take a walk around your local highschool to see what I am talking about. It makes me so mad.

As far as my being to "in your face" with my DD. Well, if you ask my husband, I'm not "in your face" enough. I have given this girl dozens of "chances", and oppertunity to make better choices. I've let her "go with friends" to the mall, and each time she has done something to break the rules, and defy my wishes. All the while telling her friends how terrible she has it at home and how much she hates her family. I've taken her to the movies(her and I and sometimes with the other girls), and I've let her have sleepovers with friends here. Even with ones I don't like much. This with the notion of showing that I was trying to give her the chance to prove she is trustworthy again.

She's had everything she asked for this summer and then some, when she was good, and making reasonable choices. When she hasn't, she has been grounded. No different that anyone else in the household. I have been a parent over all. Reasoning with a willfull child who has been manipulated by someone to think that her family hates her and don't understand her...is nearly impossible to do. Trust me we have tried it all. What is happening now, was the only choice left. As much for her as for the rest of us.

I think she will come around in time, hopefully she will come back with a better appreciation for what she really does have here. I know that some of the people that she has befriended that really do have bad situations at home, or who have created one themselves, would jump at the chance to have the home and family that she has.

I feel like I am back on the ranch with the hard headed cows that always seem to have to poke their greedy heads into the yard to get at the grass when they have a whole beautiful pasture to feed on. "The grass is always greener on the other side"....so pointless and annoying.

I am praying, and so is my ex, that she comes around sooner rather than later, and we think she will. It won't be easy, but then nothing worthwhile or good for us is usually. Things weren't designed that way for a reason.

It's the most difficult thing in the world to sit back and watch your child self-distruct. And we've had the horror of watching it twice this year now. Hopefully we have caught things soon enough to make a change for the better.

We were up till 3am this morning preparing for court, and got up at 6:15am. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now nearly 7pm. I am exhausted, sick from lack of sleep, and lack of appetite. We found when we got to court that the papers had not been served because the sheriffs office had their collective heads up their butts this last week. The judge was not happy, and issued me a "re-issue order" to be served. She also granted me a fee waiver for service. We took it up to the sheriffs office and I didn't leave this time until I knew they had all the right information for service. NO EXCUSES. He should get served either today or tomorrow. We go back to court October 1st. I am soooo ready to do that.

I'll be glad to get all this over with. Perhaps I will finally be able to rest then.


Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers, and helpful advise. All is much appreciated and very much needed right now. I'll keep you posted of our progress.


Well, time to go and feed the family that are still here. BBQ awaits!!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My kids are little, I haven't got to this yet. But when I was a teenager I was very bad, made my mom cry all the time, prisoners and all.... anyway, the point is, my mom and I are best friends now. As soon as I got moved out to go to school, life got good for me. So, don't give up on her, and be sure that she knows you love her NO MATTER WHAT! She doesn't know it but she needs you to love her.

I'll pray for your family, it works.