Wicked Witch Of The North!!!!! What Would You Do?

Lounge By Anna31 Updated 14 Sep 2007 , 3:21pm by Anna31

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Anna31 Posted 6 Sep 2007 , 10:16pm
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I really need to vent and hopefully get some advice. My Brother's wife is horrible. At every family get together she rears her ugly head and it really hurts my Parents. Our last family thing was just last weekend and she attacked my Dad. I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do, if I should do anything at all. The thing that makes this time different is that I found out that she actually USED ME in a lie she told to my Brother to wriggle her way out of taking any blame for what happened. She actually used me against my own Father and to lie to my own Brother!!!! I was absolutely livid when I found out. Do I let my Brother know that his wife is a liar? I don't know if I should do anything that might alienate my brother from the family. It's just that this has gone on for too long and she has gone too far this time!! I'm praying about it and searching my Bible for answers but not getting any clear signals yet. Can anyone help me? TIA.

Anna

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Kiddiekakes Posted 6 Sep 2007 , 10:29pm
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First of all I would have stepped in when she was being rude to your Dad and Said "You have no right to be rude...If her coward(Sorry..) of a husband can't stand up and say"Hey honey..That's enough" then I would have!!! Sorry but brother or no brother...doesn't give his wife the right to be ignorant..Actually my Dad would have told off!!!

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dydemus Posted 6 Sep 2007 , 11:04pm
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She definitely needs to be held accountable - if it were me, i would have confronted her (in gentlest way possible) but let her know that you're not happy she is using you in her lies, etc. - a lot of times this behavior goes on because no one is brave enough to call them on it! Best wishes!!!

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Anna31 Posted 6 Sep 2007 , 11:31pm
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My Brother did say something to her about it and that is when she came up with this lie to try to dig herself out. My Dad did defend himself. He isn't one to just lay down and take a beating but he doesn't like confrontations in the family either. My Mom has asked me not to say anything to her. She is so afraid that Jodi is turning my Brother against us. Especially after we found out about this lie. Makes us wonder what else she has lied to him about!! Jodi is the coward. She can dish it out but she won't stand up like an adult and face the consequences of her actions. She's spoiled, selfish, self centered and way too defensive. She is just a horrible excuse for a human being and makes us all miserable. If it wasn't for her we would have pure bliss at all our family functions. She is so rude and hurtfull to my parents and for no reason. They could not be better In-laws or Grandparents, they are both absolutely amazing. My Brother knew she was a trouble maker before he married her. They've been married for about 9 years I think. He signed us all up for years of misery and heart ache the day he married her!!! My main question is, do I do anything to defend my parents at the risk of hurting my Brother? I agree that Luke is somewhat of a coward to let this continue. He should be the one to make her behavior stop!!! I cannot for the life of me figure out why he continues to let her do this time after time!!!! Just to give you an idea, at my Mother's Father's FUNERAL she had the nerve to act up. Mom was not in the state of mind to put up with her CRAP. She called Luke and talked to him about it and he actually TOLD Jodi!!!!! So ever since then, their realationship has been even more strained!! I am about in tears every time I look at my Mom's face after each of Jodi's "beatings". She is emotionally abusing my Mom and we are all giving her the power to control us by continuing to let her into our homes. The problem is we do NOT want Luke to feel unwelcome!!! We do NOT want to lose contact with their three kids!!! We are in the mind set that if we want to have a realationship with Luke and the kids we are just going to have to put up with her. But to tell you the truth, ever since I found out that she USED ME to lie to my Brother to try to turn him against our OWN Father, I am starting to wonder if we have been going about this the wrong way! If I were to say something and it would go badly, I would not do any of us any favors. We could lose Luke and those kids forever and Mom and Dad would be devastated. So would it be worth it? I have the utmost respect for my Parents and Luke. My parents would never do anything to intentionally upset anyone, EVER. She is just horrible!! icon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gif So sorry for the extremely long rant. I haven't talked to anyone about this except for my DH and to God of course. I wish He would give me some direction, some kind of sign. I'm so tired of seeing the pain in my Mother's face!!!!!

Anna

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mkolmar Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 1:30am
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I have more experience with this than I can ever tell you. If you ever need to talk just pm me. (It's been 20 years but my SIL and I get along wonderful now--)

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wgoat5 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 10:57am
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We need to form a help group for family members who have a LYING problem!!!! MY DH's sister is the biggest liar there ever was. She's a manipulative little...well.....ya know.. She has made my life HELL to be in this family (well MIL isn't any better). I wish you luck...but I can tell you...STAND YOUR GROUND!!!! Don't let her walk all over you OR your parents. My DH's sis asked MY Mother and father for money last year!! And hasn't talked to them since!!!!!!! Hasn't tried to repay them NOTHING...so I know how it feels.....she's a user and abuser...and I for one DO NOT LIKE LIARS!!!


(((((((((((((((big hugs to you))))))))))))))

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Anna31 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 12:30pm
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Thank you!! It's so nice to hear from other people that are going through the same thing. I really appreciate your advice!!! Mkolmar, I just may PM you sometime! icon_smile.gif Wgoat5, I don't like liars either. I have very strong feelings about that, especially to your husband. And the manner in which she does it, against his own family. Do you think I should let this one go? We are all supposed to go over there for Christmas Eve this year. My Mom, sister and I couldn't believe our ears when she invited us all. We will see her one more time before then. I wouldn't want Christmas to be awkward, especially at her house!! Maybe she'll be better on her own turf. Maybe she will think of a way to back out before then. Who knows. I'm thinking since I won't see her till the end of October that I should let this one go. If she tries to ruin my parent's next party, I'll say something. Sound good? icon_confused.gificon_cry.gif

Anna

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adonisthegreek1 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 1:37pm
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I haven't had to deal with this firsthand. I will keep your situation in my prayers that God will touch your SIL's heart. Scripturally speaking, Matthew 18:15-17 (New International Version) says: 15"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

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Anna31 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 2:05pm
post #9 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by adonisthegreek1

I haven't had to deal with this firsthand. I will keep your situation in my prayers that God will touch your SIL's heart. Scripturally speaking, Matthew 18:15-17 (New International Version) says: 15"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.




Thank you!! I did find that one a few days ago. Just not sure if it's that simple in every case. I believe in taking the Bible for exactly what it says but what if going to that person threatens the rest of your family's relationship with another family member, meaning my Brother? I'd be going against my Mother's wishes by confronting her. I need to talk to my Mom. She, my Sister, Father and I need to have a heart to heart. I thank you for your prayers! I really appreciate that! This is so hard on all of us. It seems to be a lose lose situation. I wish my Mom's Dad was still with us, he would know what to do and he would do it. NO way would he let this person inflict so much pain upon his Daughter and her family. I/we could use all the prayers we can get! Thanks so much.

Anna

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Karate Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 2:08pm
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I know where you are coming from. My Ex SIL used to do the same thing. We didn't do anything at the request of my parents for the same reason, they didn't want to loose my brother or his son. My brother now regrets not standing up, and not being more of a son to his mother because she died, the same month that his "wife" decided to divorce him. He never had the chance to appologise to our mother and will live with that for the rest of his life!!!

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Anna31 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 2:19pm
post #11 of 43

Wow, Karate. Thanks for sharing that story. That is so profound. I hadn't thought of that. Luke, my Brother probably will regret that way he has allowed his wife to treat his parents and the rest of us for that matter. Unfortunately, I doubt they will ever divorce. Despite her wicked ways, Luke seems very happy with her. I think when she's not around us she is fine. Of course her parents can do no wrong. They spend more time with them. I can't imagine what her problem with us could be. My Dad has more character and integrity than any other man I know. He is a solid Christian man that goes to Mexico every year to build houses for families living in cardboard houses. Literally cardboard houses!!! He always puts his Grandkids first and is the most active Grandfather I know. My Mom is just the definition of SWEET. She is selfless to a fault. She is beautiful in every way and it totally breaks my heart to see her treated this way repeatedly by someone she has tried so hard to get close to for years. Only to get beat down. I hope that Luke gets a backbone some day and tells her to knock it off. Enough is enough. Mom is 57, she should have a lot of years left. Hopefully this won't continue to the end of her days! I guess if it comes right down to it, I could NOT let that happen and I would rather lose my Brother and those kids of his than my watch this go on for another 9 years. icon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gif

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mxdiva Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 4:20pm
post #12 of 43

you need to put her in her place she has NO RIGHT to treat your parents like that if it bothers her that she has to go to the get togheter's make it clear she is not needed there with her attitude if your brother doesn't have the guts to do it you take over!!!
I have a SIL like that she did it a couple of times until she found out that I can have a big mouth like hers

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adonisthegreek1 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 5:42pm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna31

... My Dad has more character and integrity than any other man I know. He is a solid Christian man that goes to Mexico every year to build houses for families living in cardboard houses. Literally cardboard houses!!! He always puts his Grandkids first and is the most active Grandfather I know. My Mom is just the definition of SWEET. She is selfless to a fault.... icon_cry.gificon_cry.gificon_cry.gif




Your statement reminded me of a situation with my SIL one time. At my family gatherings, I have no alcohol whatsoever. I do not like anyone drinking in front of my kids, especially when the guests need to get into a car and drive home. It sends the wrong message. My SIL stocks a full bar at her house. We were over there for Christmas and she kept badgering me to drink, like we were in high school or something. Then she insults my integrity/religion by saying, "You aren't going to go to hell if you have one drink." I finally had enough. I looked at her and very politely said, "If I was going to have a drink, I certainly wouldn't do it in front of my kids and I certainly would not let my kids see mommy get fall down drunk. Is that what you call responsible parenting?" After that, she has never offered me a drink again and we get along just fine. She is very pushy and sometimes pushy people have to be stopped or they will keep going. I use alcohol in many recipes, but if I choose not to drink it then that's my choice I think she got the message loud and clear.

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LaSombra Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 6:19pm
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I had a sister-in-law who totally ruined all family functions as well. She was totally overbearing and tried to run every family event or holiday...always argumentative or bitchy. My brother informed us this past spring that they got a divorce. I hate to feel happy about something like divorce but in this case, I can't help it. They parted on "good terms" though so that's what's important since they do have a daughter. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.

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mommykicksbutt Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 9:10pm
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my MIL is a real witch and goes out of her way to make everyone around her miserable, including family. Her neighbors won't talk to her, when she is out on her daily walks and is approaching a neighbor, they will immediately cross the street and round the opposite corner to keep from crossing her path because she WILL say something nasty and hurtful.

Her children and their spouses and grandchildren have all decides to exclude her from family gatherings. One daughter lives in the same town and makes sure she's OK, can get the the doctor's office, grocery story, etc. But it's only her, not anyone else in her family!

All she gets from us is a birthday and Christmas card, that's it. No phone calls, no visits! She has alienated everyone and wants to be miserable so we are letting her have it her way but not with us.

We also told her to seek psychiatric help to stop spitting venom on everyone. When she has accomplished this then she can have contact with the rest of the family, like her grand kids.

This has been working very well for the family. We are all so much happier without her in attendance. My advice is to invite everyone BUT her, invite your cowardly brother and their children but she does not come along. Exclude her at all costs until she seeks therapy for her (anti-) social disorder.

(another option - ban together as a family and offer to pay for his side of a divorce!)

Good luck! I feel for ya!

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Anna31 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 9:26pm
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Thank you everyone for sharing your personal experiences!! It really does help to know that we are not the only family that has a thorn in our foot so to speak. I've been thinking about this all day and it's just gotten me all depressed!!! I might call my Mom tonight and check on her. It's been almost a week since Jodi's last "attack". I hope she isn't stewing about it as much as I am! I hate it that I am letting her have so much control over me!!! We are all giving her way to much control over us. I think she knows she has the advantage because we all LOVE Luke and his kids. My parents would be devastated if Luke decided to stay away. I would hope he would not forsake us for her but none of us are ready to take that chance. I need to talk to my Mom. I'd love to call and talk to my Grandma about it. She is so wise and such a Godly woman. I know she would have good advice. I need to talk it over with a few family members before I decide whether or not to take her on. I could blow this whole family up and I definately do NOT want to live with that for the rest of my life!! I'm so confused, depressed, and angry. Talking to all of you really helps though!!!! Thank you!!!!

Anna

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LaSombra Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 9:41pm
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kinda off-topic and stupid/nitpicky but...the witch from the north was actually a good witch, Glenda icon_razz.gif It was the east and west that had bad witches. I wonder why that is... icon_rolleyes.gif I don't know why I felt the need to point that out.

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Anna31 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 10:09pm
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Ha! That's funny!! The only reason I call her that is because she lives in MN, which is to the North of us. And she has to be the poorest excuse for a human being in MN!!!! Thanks for the laugh LaSombra!! icon_lol.gif

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famousamous Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 10:32pm
post #19 of 43

Please, allow me to refer you to this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chokehold

and this...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/745475/essential_self_defense_tips_choke_hold_releases/


Some people are just rotten. I would have to draw the line at her abusing MY parents, what she does to your brother is their problem. I wish you luck.

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Anna31 Posted 7 Sep 2007 , 11:26pm
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icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif That is SOO funny!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!! I will file that away for future refence!!!! There has been more than one case that I have wanted to drag her into the woods, (my parents have 30 acres). If I did that though, I'm afraid I would be the only one to come out!!!! Or at least only one of us would have any hair left and wouldn't be near as pretty as she was when she went in!!!!! icon_eek.gif You are absolutely right that it is Luke's problem how she treats HIM. He is the one that married her after all. I am going to start defending my parents from now on. Especially my Mom. Dad is more able to take care of himself, Mom is to SWEET to defend herself. I however do not suffer with that problem!!! I'm more like my Dad. I'm overly emotional like Mom but I don't take any crap either. Not usually anyway. Thanks so much for all your advice everyone!!!! You have helped me soooo much!!!! thumbs_up.gif

Anna

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indydebi Posted 8 Sep 2007 , 12:45am
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I so feel for you, not only because you have to deal with such a liar, but because it sounds like you have a wonderful, loving family who has to deal with this.

My mother is one that can't be believed on anything she says. Whenever we were told anything by her, we'd have to call the other 3-4 siblings to find out what version THEY heard so we could figure out what really happened. She would have this conversations in her head of things she WISHED she had said to someone and by the time she was done thinking about , she believed she had really SAID it! And that was the version that got told.

This person has to be confronted and put on notice. Sounds like she is holding your affections for your brother and his kids hostage with all of you. I remember the day that I grew part of my backbone. There was a horrible incident with my mother and I was very upset. She had told my exhusband LIES about how my kids were being treated ..... LIES so bad that it could have resulted in the ex filing for custody!

It was right after I got divorced and she was my babysitter. I was venting to hubby (we were just dating at the time) about how I couldn't say anything because she'd hold the babysitting over my head and I had no other options. He said, "If you need to find another sitter, I'll pay for it!"

I went to talk to her and told her she was wrong, told her the problems and damages the lies could cause. Right on schedule, she threw "well, maybe you need to find another sitter, then, if you don't like the way I do!" When I told her "That has already been discussed and other options ARE available. If I need to find another sitter, I will."

Like most bullies, when confronted with truth and facts, she backed off. She didn't try that tactic again.

The confrontation does have to be a screaming match or anything. Just enough to put her on notice that it isn't going to be tolerated anymore.

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Anna31 Posted 8 Sep 2007 , 1:03am
post #22 of 43

Indydebi, you sound very wise! You are correct that we are a VERY close family. She IS holding our "affections for Luke and the kids hostage". Through all this wonderful counsel I've been getting, I have come to the realization that something has to be done. I feel terrible that it has gone on as long as it has. I'm not sure if anything can be said to her with out it turning into a screaming match. She is not afraid to yell at my Dad and call him names to his face!!!!!! So I have no doubt that she would restrain from yelling or worse at me. But I am up to it. I will be talking to my sister, she is more mild mannered than me but hopefully she will back me up if I get backed into a corner with her. I know my Grandpa, my Mom's Dad would NOT allow this to go on and that is giving me the courage to stand up to her to. I cannot thank you all enough for helping me get through this and to make a decision. I think I'll call my sister right now and see what she says!! Wish me luck!!! God bless!!!!

Anna

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mommapaul3 Posted 10 Sep 2007 , 6:59pm
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I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. I've been a victim of verbal and emotional abuse and know what it's like. Thankfully it came from a roomate and not a family member so it was relatively easy to get out of it, but I still haven't completely gotten over it even though it only lasted a few months and ended almost 10 years ago. I can't imagine letting something like that go on for a long time. You HAVE to at least let her and your whole family know that you will not allow her to treat you this way - and you will not set the example for your children of allowing others to treat you this way either. People who are like this are very good at manipulating the situation and making you think you are the one with the problem. DON'T LET HER DO THIS. She has to understand she cannot treat people this way. You're brother will eventually come around, even though it may take years. I know it's hard to let that part of the family go, but you may have to do that in order to protect the rest of the family. Good luck.

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Anna31 Posted 11 Sep 2007 , 2:28pm
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Thank you! I talked to my Sister and we have agreed to put a stop to this. We have another get together coming up and we will have our eyes on her!! We plan to come to our Mother's defense if she tries to verbally assault her again. Dad has proven that he can take care of himself! icon_smile.gif Ya Dad!! icon_lol.gif I feel much better about it now that Laura and I have agreed on how to deal with it. It feels so good to have come to a decision that we ARE going to do something about it! Watch out Jodi! icon_wink.gif

Anna

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mkolmar Posted 11 Sep 2007 , 3:24pm
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Good for you! It helps when you have someone in your corner to back you up. Just make sure to talk calmly as much as possible, so you brother knows you the rational people are. He may just be blinded by love to her lies. Just make sure he knows if things go bad how much you love him and the kids, you just can't stand and watch this behavior anymore. Good Luck--stay strong!

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mommachris Posted 12 Sep 2007 , 6:54am
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when it gets going have a plan that someone can dial 911. If she gets too much in your face, you can have her removed from the house. No one should have to feel threatened in their own home.

mommachris

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OzCookie Posted 12 Sep 2007 , 9:07am
post #27 of 43

Good luck with your plan, Anna. Please don't back away from it "for the sake of the family".
Should your brother feel that he needs to side with his wife against your family, it will not last! He will soon realise the level of love and support he is missing out on.
Some time ago, I felt it necessary to confront my own SIL for treating my parents with disrespect (verbal abuse and threats to withhold access to their grandaughter). My mother, too, preferred that I hold my tongue, for the sake of family harmony, but I couldn't stand for it any longer.
Funny, how quickly she backed down! Bullies like her MUST be confronted!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Anna31 Posted 12 Sep 2007 , 12:46pm
post #28 of 43

Thank you! I sincerely doubt that it will ever get the point where we need to call 911. She isn't going to start swinging at us I don't think. She's a witch but she's not stupid. If she did that, we'd all be on her in a matter of moments so that would be a VERY bad idea on her part! icon_wink.gif

While Laura and I were talking we decided that we think this is all because she hates being told what to do and she doesn't like not being the center of attention. She was the only girl and the baby of her family. Her parents spoiled her rotten and it's their fault she is the way she is. My parents did not raise us the same way. We knew what the boundaries were and were punished if we crossed them. We were taught to have respect for our elders and just other people in general. We were taught to be polite and courteous in other poeple's homes, not just in our own. So she is not used to being surrounded people like that. She is also VERY defensive, overly so. She lashes out with that tongue of hers not caring who she stings by it. Don't worry ladies. I have had more than enough. I will not back down. There is one very important thing my Dad taught me when I was young. We were members of a certain church for many years. There was a youth group that the parents were invited to because there was a guest speaker. I was not there because my Parents were leary of the speaker. When they got home my Dad was so angry. To make a long story short, he yanked us all out of that church so fast no one had any doubt why. I didn't care what people thought. DH and I met in that church. We planned to be married in that church. Mom had lots of friends she had to leave behind. But Dad strong in his beliefs and we all respect him for it. I was proud of him and dissapointed in that Pastor, someone I really cared about. I was very young but that's the day I learned that you've GOT to stand for something or you'll FALL for anything. So, my point is that I will NOT fall. I will stand up and defend my Mom from her ugliness. Thank you everyone for all your kind words of encouragement and for your prayers! thumbs_up.gif

Anna

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kansaslaura Posted 12 Sep 2007 , 1:21pm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi


This person has to be confronted and put on notice....

Like most bullies, when confronted with truth and facts, she backed off. She didn't try that tactic again.

The confrontation does have to be a screaming match or anything. Just enough to put her on notice that it isn't going to be tolerated anymore.




Anna, the time to confront is now. Not "IF" it happens again, because in the pit of your stomach, you know it will. Draw the line in the sand. Tell HER what will and won't be tolerated. It won't be fun, it won't be pretty.

My suggestion that you and your sister invite her to lunch. Don't start out by putting her on the defense, (she'll get there soon enough) just tell her you and your sister are concerned about some situations and go from there. Over the course of my life, it's been my experience that once you "show your teeth" most of these kind of people will back down. You don't have to get ugly, just let her understand what your folks mean to you. Would she tolerate you treating HER parents this way?

There is no easy way to deal with a bully. It is never enough for them. Bless your sweetheart for being so concerned for your folks. My kids are the same way. DON'T MESS WITH MY MOM!

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Anna31 Posted 12 Sep 2007 , 1:41pm
post #30 of 43

That sounds like a good idea but Laura and I live four hours apart. Jodi is about two hours from here. That makes it kind of hard to just invite her to lunch. There's a family wedding coming up in October and then Dad is having a big Indian themed party the end of October. (We are part Native American part Norwegian! You can tell from my Avatar which side my appearance favors! icon_smile.gif) So we will have a chance soon enough to confront her. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Don't intend to get ugly. Laura isn't able to get ugly, it isn't in her. She is exactly like Mom. I like to think I'm like her to but I have a bit of Dad mixed in there to! HA! Not sure if I want to confront her about it if she doesn't try something. She has improved to a small degree. I have to give her some credit for that. She's been going to Bible study and Christian Women's groups. The past year or so has been better. I know Luke has said things to her but I also know he IS blinded by his love for her. I'll have to think about that. Laura and I talked about how she would react if we treated her parents like that. I know she would not let it slide even once. I don't think she would be concerned about "getting ugly".

Thanks for the blessing, you are very sweet!! I'm so glad your kids are quick to defend you to!! That's how it should be! We Mom's devote so much of our lives to our kids! God bless you and your kids to!!!!!!!

Anna

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