Does Anyone Else Have This Financial Problem???(Long)

Lounge By jmcakes Updated 29 Aug 2007 , 2:31am by indydebi

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jmcakes Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 6:25pm
post #1 of 28

So my husband and I are a young couple with 2 little girls. Anyways we have been married just two years and I am ready to take his name off the bank account. I am soo frustrated with him at this point and time that I just want to pack my things and leave. You see he has this uncontrollable spending problem. The things he spends on are so worthless it's all junk. I have set us up on a budget and try and sit down with him once a week but everytime I do I explain everything coming in and everything going out. And his freaking reply is why are you telling me this to let me know we are broke once agian. I was so upset because I loose sleep over this and he doesn't even care. I handed him a one dollar bill and said if the mortgage is paid, heat is on, food is here, and the kids have clothes on their backs and you still have this one dollar then you are not broke" My mom said to just let everything go and when it gets shut off then he can figure out what to do but I just cant let that happen!! Has anyone else went threw this and how did you fix it???

27 replies
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msumissa Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 6:33pm
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Do not, do not, do not let everything go!!! It will RUIN your credit and make things that much harder.

I would take his name off of everything so he can not get access to the money and then give him an allowance. ( If that works) But you have to find a way to pay the bills before he spends all of the money.

Perhaps some counseling may work as well.

My sympathies to you, it must be very difficult to be in your situation. Tell him if he is so worried about being broke, get a second job and he can spend all of that money as he wishes. But is main salary is family money.

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jmcakes Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 8:09pm
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thanks so much!! and it's not even the matter of affording our bills. We make enough money to cover our expenses but he just blows it before i can get the money sent out to the bill companies!!!!! ERRR!!!!

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indydebi Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 9:12pm
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You open a separate account for him. Each payday, deposit his weekly "allowance". He has a debit card for this account, and for ONLY this account. Pull all other debit/credit cards from his wallet. When the money in his account is gone, it's gone. Period.

My sister has the same problem. She has tried everything. THis is the only thing that works.

Don't let him moan and groan and whine about being on an allowance. If he is going to have the responsibility level of a 10 year old, then he gets treated like a ten year old.

When he demonstrates an adult responsibility level, then things can go back to normal. Until then, just tell him to shut the he** up.

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MichelleM77 Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 11:04pm
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I'm there too. That's all I'm saying or I'll scream, or cry, or both!

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keonicakes Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 11:12pm
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Take his name off, make sure he has direct deposit, put a certain percentage into a "bs" account for him, that way, bills get paid, kids get fed, and he has $to blow w/o having to explain or ask permission to spend. Yes, he will be way upset about not having his whole check, but once he figures out that he has an account and your not upset because this is HIS play money, it just might work. DO NOT LET ANYTHING GO!!! Don't let your kids suffer w/o elect. etc. to prove your hubby financially immature. Best of luck to you.

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jmcakes Posted 24 Aug 2007 , 11:14pm
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EVerytime this happens I think of getting a divorce because it's such an ongoing problem. The last thing I want to divorce my husband over is money because love means more to me then money but I just wish this problem would just not be bad. I could understand if he wanted a little extra spending money but to just blow everything on junk. I like the idea of putting his money in a bank account and when its gone its gone!!

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LaSombra Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 12:12am
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I can relate. My husband grew up with not much money so didn't really learn to manage money. If there are clothes on sale, doesn't matter if he needs it or not or what the original price was, he wants it. I had to really put my foot down after we had to file for bankruptcy a couple years ago. I still kinda feel bad because he has sooo many clothes, shoes, hats, etc and the kids too, plus too many toys but here I am wearing holey jeans because I don't want to spend too much money on clothes. Whenever I complain about not having enough clothes, he says nobody is stopping me from going out and buying what I need...well, yeah because he beats me to the money! Thank God he just got a promotion and an extra $1000/month paycheck because now we're able to put more money into savings towards a new house in a few months. They're also giving it to him as direct deposit, which will keep the money under my control icon_twisted.gif

At this point, I'm just trying to keep him from buying too expensive a car. We just got his car paid off this month so he's getting dollar signs in his eyes for a new car. Supposedly, he wants to get one with low gas mileage but he really would like something like a mustang icon_rolleyes.gif

You know, it's funny cause guys always accuse women of being the big spenders but in reality, I think it's THEM!

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bitofsnshn Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 2:35am
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Make sure all debt is in his name and all assets are in yours. If something goes wrong only he would have to file bankruptcy vs both. Remind your husband this isnt about you or him its about your kids. He has a responsibility to ensure you will have food and a roof over their head.

I have a family member who has the same problem with her husband. The are now in bankruptcy and the court takes a huge chunk and they are on an allowance. believe me you don't want the court deciding on what you need to live on because they trully dont care. All they care about is getting your creditors paid.

I would also get one of the Dave Ramseys books for him. I think if he saw just what that money could be used for. What a dollar saved today could go to paying off. My husband isnt too bad of a spender but really embraced the idea of paying off debt with a vengence to get us debt free.

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heather2780 Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 3:00am
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If you find a solution please let me know because im telling you right now my DH would not go for being put on a allowence or takeing his name off of everything. for one you will be destroying his credit by not haveing accounts open in his name. I have the same problem keeping my DH on budget but what I do is before pay day I have a list of bills that need to be paid and the money he needs to deposit in my account (we have seperate ones now that im working) and he desposits the money i asked for and i send the checks and then he has whatever is left we dont have much in savings cause he will spend everything but the bill money but at least i have all the bills pay because i get them done before he has a chance to get to the store.

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mhill91801 Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:19am
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Same problem. My husband is addicted to ebay..I swear...almost everyday there is another package on the porch. Anyway, what we have always done, since he works out of town, is have two separate accounts. I know it sounds wierd, but it's worked for us. He WOULD NOT settle for being put on an allowance...NO WAY! So, we each have our own accounts, his paycheck goes in his, mine goes in mine. Both are names are on both the accounts, so technically we could write checks/spend money from either one, but we keep it separate. I pay half the house, cell phone, student loan, and one credit card (mine)...he pays the rest. (He makes a considerable amount more that I do.) This way, when he's on a spending makes me mad (and why can you buy what you want, but I'm scrapping pennies to make it to the next payday?!) but it's "his" money, and the bills are paid.

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okieinalaska Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 6:04am
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Many years ago we figured out to have seperate checking accounts. We have three actually. One bill paying account where the money is direct deposited. One for him and one for me. We each get an allowance.

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wgoat5 Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 11:32am
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My DH doesn't carry the check book or the debit cc's are paid his has large balances. The bills get paid and his credit cards get paid but slowly. He thinks there is a money tree in our back yard but weekly at bill paying time he finds out quickly there isn't one. Money is the #1 reason for divorcing. Get counseling and I don't just mean marriage counseling get financial can go to your bank and ask which one in your area is best for you both. We both have a spending for baking and him for hunting...he grew up poor I grew up wealthy, that's where it went wrong for me, I didn't want for anything and I didn't have to work for anything. My mom and dad figured out this was wrong by the time I was 20. Things have changed but we still have to focus on the bills...we still like to spend but we both come into reality once it's time for bill paying.....We live pay check to pay check but the bills are paid and there is clothes, food and everything else we need icon_smile.gif . Means more to me to be able to say all the bills are paid and my kids aren't hungry icon_smile.gif . Good luck and I will be praying for you.


oh yeah I wanted to add...I used to sit down by myself each week at bill paying time to figure out the bill mess...I was such a wreck and was under a lot of stress. Then I was told to make him sit down to, to understand how the financial part of our marriage ran...he did now he doesn't want to anymore...he doesn't complain when I have to say NO MORE SPENDING this week . Let him do the bill paying for a week and see if he can get the jist of how it feels to pay the bills and try to have some left over.

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Luby Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 4:39pm
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I have a family member who has the same problem with her husband. The are now in bankruptcy and the court takes a huge chunk and they are on an allowance. believe me you don't want the court deciding on what you need to live on because they trully dont care. All they care about is getting your creditors paid.

Since I work for a Chapter 13 trustee I really don't think your explanation is 100% accurate. The statement that we "truly don't care" couldn't be further from the truth. We do care, but just like any other business there are guidelines that have to be followed in determining what has to be paid by your creditors. Is it fair to the creditors that they extended "money" to someone and if these people over-extend themselves or fell upon hard times the creditor should just forgive the debt and not be paid back? If people owed you money would you just forgive the debt and go about your merry way? Do you see these people's paychecks and know exactly what they make? Do you know exactly what they owe and every asset they own? If you want to call it an "allowance" so be it - that's what some people need to be placed on because they have uncontrollable spending. A lot of these people are able to keep their homes and cars so they really don't have it quite as bad as it's made out to be. Are they limited on what they can spend - absolutely! Aren't the majority of us limited on what we can spend? There has to be some type of balance and being held accountable for what you owe. No one is allowed to go out and run up a huge amount of debt and not be required to have some type of pay-back!
Yes, there are a lot of people who file Chapter 13's and have a very difficult time paying living expenses and meeting their Chapter 13 payment. These are also the people that still have their house, their cars, their retirement accounts, or whatever asset they are trying to protect and keep by filing a Chapter 13 instead of a liquidating bankruptcy (Chapter 7), i.e. they didn't have to give up all of their assets or maybe they have enough income to be held responsible to pay back some of these debts. The living expense deductions people are allowed to take are very generous and most of them exceed what the average non-bankruptcy person spends on food, clothing, transportation, shelter, charitable contributions and recreation (yes, recreation - they are allowed a recreation expense each month).
Also, keep in mind probably about 75% of the Chapter 13 cases filed don't even provide a 10% payback on the debts people owe.
Just remember things aren't always as "black & white" as they seem.

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Dordee Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:31pm
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When DH and I first married he would be in charge of paying some of the bills and I would pay some. We were both working at the time and could afford our utilities and car payments and have extra spending money with no problem. The only thing is that he wouldn't pay his half of the bills and I would start getting late bills saying they were going to cut off certain utilities. I would be like "what icon_surprised.gif " The final straw was when we got a notice that they were repossesing our home. We lived in a single wide at the time. I called the lady at the mortage company and told her that I had no idea that it had gone this far and to let me know how much I needed to pay before the loan went into default. She gave me the amount and I told her if she would give me two weeks that I would pay it and the loan payment would never be late again. She did and the loan was never late again and was paid off 9 months early. I sat my DH down that night and told me that I was taking charge of all the bills. I would tell him every pay day how much I needed for bills. That's been 12 years ago and to this day he says "how much do you need?" every Friday. His mom is terrible about paying her bills and she taught him to be the same way. She thinks a new outfit is more important than paying the electric bill icon_confused.gif But that's a whole other thread!

Oh yeah, He NEVER writes a check out of our joint account. He has his business account and every now and then I have to run to put money in it because sometimes he writes checks and dosen't write them down in the register and we get a lovely notice from the bank that overdraft protection has had to pay a check . UGGH.. Men and money! Honestly, some don't have a clue!

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TheCakerator Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 8:18pm
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I think what luby said made absolute perfect sense .. thumbs_up.gif

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jmcakes Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 1:30am
post #17 of 28

yes i agree with everyones threads such as coming from a poor family to a wealthy family. THats where we clash and my MIL doesnt have a clue of money. I just wish he understood how much it means to me for him to understand but he doesnt care!!!

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2508s42 Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 7:46am
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I didn't read all the posts, so forgive me if I am repetative. I did read a few that sound like you are setting yourself up for years and years of resentment ending with divorce.

IN MY OPINION..... if you take his name off of the bills, open him his own account, etc, you are acting like his MOTHER. You do NOT want to be in that position. That will start a cycle of secret spending, secret credit cards, because he will not feel as though he "is allowed" to have anything, and will pout and make you miserable. You know, $$ is the leading cause of divorce. I can't remember the statistic... but it is HIGH.

What I would suggest... take a financial course. I recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. It is easy and cheap to take. YOu can take it at home on video, or go to his web site to find a class near you. Often, churches teach it, but you do not have to be a member of any church to take it and it is not religion based. It is just simple and easy and practical. There are several lessons including having an emergency fund, debt snowball, buying and selling a house, college, retirement, money market accounts, etc. And he "dumbs it down" so that normal people can understand it. icon_smile.gif

After that is done, or even before. Set up the budget TOGETHER, not you doing it and telling him. If he is old enough to get married, he is old enough to help that way. THEN MAKE HIM BE IN CHARGE OF PAYING THE BILLS!!!

My DH was always complaining that we didn't have any money for anything HE wanted, why are we always broke, etc... so finally I let him take over, and now he is can barely pay the bills, I can't buy this truck/4 wheeler/boat, which he would have done before. It was amazing. Then the financial class came, and he bit off on it so much it changed our lives, and he started teaching it!! This was a man that filed bankruptcy before we got married bc he could not control his spending.

again, just my opinion, but it worked for me.

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bharbor Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 12:45pm
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I have always been in charge of the bills, but it has been very stressful trying to juggle everything, keep everyone in clothes, school supplies and food all by myself. My husband makes a good income and puts a lot of it in savings, but didn't understand why the amount he puts in the household account was not enough. Finally, I just refused to do it anymore and made him sit down with me every week, go over the bills. Every time something extra comes up, I call him and tell him. I make him go to the grocery store with me and see how much it costs to feed teenagers and us. He is starting to realize that just because our bills are a set amount for each week, there is a lot of things other than bills that require our attention. I think communication is the main issue on most of the money problems. If we had been doing this all along, our lives could have been a lot less stressful. I think men sometimes just think it is their jobs to go make their part of the money and leave everything else to the wives to figure out. (Not all men, just workaholics like my husband)

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mmgiles Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 4:06pm
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I too still need help in this area. I've been married just over a year and we started paying bills together a few months before the wedding. First I just let him pay the bills and then we'd just spend and spend whatever we wanted. If I asked if there was enough money he'd just say yes. Then things were not getting paid, or we'd get overdraft fees. He did not keep a checkbook either, just looked at our account online, which meant forgetting about certain checks, etc. Now, this system sort of worked for him when he was single, he was paying all of the bills by himself, so the only addition was my my car and the increase in car insurance. But somehow we're still living paycheck to paycheck. He grew up really poor too, so it's hard to tell him he cant have something. And he was single for 10 years so he was always able to purchase what he wanted when he wanted. He knew growing up that his mom had a hard time with bills, so for him to be late or out of money is normal. Not the case for me. I cant say that I never wanted for anything, but I never knew when my parents were struggling, and all the time I worked, I didnt have a lot of expenses but I was responsible for my stuff and I kept up with it.

We have come to a system that keeps us from getting nsf charges, but we still fight as well so I'm still looking for a better system also. I know that I cannot put him on an allowence like a child and that I cannot take his money away, etc. Not only would he not allow it and he'd just leave me, but if I had to treat him that way, I would not want to be with him either. Things have gotten better, and he does not constantly spend spend spend. We have one account and we both use our debit cards often because its more convenient than carrying cash. So it is tricky to make sure we get everything and dont miss a charge, but I watch out account daily and I am the one who balances the checkbook. I pay bills as soon we get paid. I have an electronic calender (through yahoo) and its set up with reminders for all of our bills. What I do is as soon as we get a check, I look at the calendar and I pay every bill that's due before the next check. Usually, nothing has to go late, but if it does I make sure its a bill that will not be assessed a late fee and will not hurt our credit and then I make sure to make it up with the next check. He knows to ask before purchasing anything over a certain amount. And he also knows he's not asking permission, he's asking if we have the money. Then if we're really broke one week, or one month, and we cant put lunch or spend those small amounts (that add up to big ones) then I make sure he knows that too.

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indydebi Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 4:32pm
post #21 of 28

It's been mentioned a couple of times, but I want to also endorse Dave Ramsey's program. He is a very common sense guy, giving you ways to get control of your finances that are actually do-able and not theoretical.

I listen to his daily radio show and I bought one of his books.

I have very little tolerance for those husbands described here as "he would not allow himself to be put on an allowance" type of guy. Well Lah Dee Dah! What makes HIM so special? He gets to spend anything he wants but it's THE WIFE'S JOB to cut back and make sure the bills are paid? I hate to be the one to break it to you, dude, call it an allowance, call it being on a budget, but what it is is being a RESPONSIBLE ADULT!!!!!!

So they can throw their little tantrum and stomp their little foot all they want. If their spending habits are causing an issue, then THEY ARE THE ISSUE AND THEY NEED TO BELLY UP AND SUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck is this deal about "If you won't let me spend anything I want, whether we have the money or not, then I'll leave you."

Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out!

That's manipulative, controlling and being a freakin' big baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buy them Dave's book!

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2508s42 Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 4:56pm
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Indydeb......I am giving you a standing ovation!!!! Well said. Well said.

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mmgiles Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 6:13pm
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I hope indydebi you were not referring to me. I certainly did not mean that my husband would not allow me to put him on an allowance because he wants to spend all the money. I think to us it would be a matter of principal, just like I said, I wouldnt not want to be married to the child who needed an allowance. We have learned to discuss our purchase as opposed to an "allowance". That means both of us. Since there are times when there wasnt enough left after bills for an allowance, that wouldnt work for us. Because like debi said he might have had his allowance and I'd be left scraping what I could to pay bills. We've had to adjust accordingly, and just learning to be responible and agreeing to discuss our purchases has helped.

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Kayakado Posted 27 Aug 2007 , 6:23pm
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I agree with those that say - take over the money and put him on an allowance. I had two horror stories for you.

Story 1:
My brother let his wife take care of the bills, because he works all the time (50-70 hours a week). She spent the money and didn't pay the bills. When we took the kids to Disney, all her credit cards were maxed. She and I went to the window and he didn't. He didn't believe me when I told him all her cards were maxed. She was frittering the money away and had nothing to show for it. It was only when she asked him to fax his pay stub to the utility company, that he got suspicious. His utility bill was 90 days overdue. His house was being foreclosed. His house taxes hadn't been paid in over 3 years. He had no idea, how bad things were. She ran up $60,000 in debt, then she moved out! She was gone for 2 years, long enough for him to pay off the debt. She's back, her name is off all the bills, she gets to keep part of her check and he pays all the bills. He went for years with no new clothes or shoes and no money to spend on himself or the kids. They both worked and she was handling the money.

Story #2:
My 77 year old neighbor will not live long enough to pay off the depbt created by her husband of 4 years. They ahd an antique store and for awhile they had 2. They closed the 2nd when she found he had spent the rent and utility money on sex. He died a few years ago and she found out he had taken out cc's in his name, the store's name, and her name. He forged her name to all the paperwork. She should have declared fraud on these accounts when he died but she didn't and now some of them that she made the mistake of paying are coming after her. He pocketed the accountant and irs fees for their personal and business taxes. She has no record of any irs filings for the years of their marriage. He probably never filed any. She can not declare bankruptcy because she has no tax records. She may lose her social security if they decide she was earning too much through the store. She has no idea how much was earned. She's stuck in limbo and barely making ends meet. Luckily, she owns her house free and clear, so she does have a place to live at least for now.

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Luckylurker Posted 28 Aug 2007 , 6:59am
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As the bad spender in the family, I can tell you how we dealt with this issue. We were both raised with parents who are TERRIBLE with money, both of our sets of parents have declared bankruptcy multiple times. I had actually declared bankruptcy before I met my husband. When we first got married, we paid bills together and we were on a strict allowance for food, and other random things that we'd buy (like clothes or household items, etc). I would buy things when they were on sale and hide them from my husband because he had set a limit of $20 for anything without telling the other person. He had no problem sticking to this rule, I constantly did and would hide things A LOT. He got very frustrated with me and with the bills and would blow up at me and yell when he found the things I would hide. This only made things worse. So finally, we read a few financial books together, he let me take over the money and learned not to yell at me when I bought things that I thought was a good deal, but I had to show him all the things I bought and explain why we needed them, etc. Being in control of the bills and all of the spending took a few years to get the knack of it, but we never missed a payment and I have learned to budget. It has taken me a long time to do this, and I'm still not perfect, but I did manage to get all of our debt paid off (minus student loans and 1 car) with my budgeting. I have learned responsibility with money because "I" am the one who is in charge of it, it is my fault if we don't have food that month, or if the bills don't get paid, etc. It has made a big difference for us and I'm glad I learned how to handle it. Not everyone would probably do well with that approach, but I can tell you that being treated like the kid creates resentment and will lead to further problems. Just my 2 cents. icon_smile.gif

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AuntieElle Posted 28 Aug 2007 , 6:46pm
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I'm not going to be giving any advice here, just telling what has worked for me. I was the culprit not my DH. He is 20 years my senior and saves like crazy and is GREAT with money well. . . I was using money for things that I "needed" like REALLY expensive shoes, bags, clothes, cars. Blah, blah, blah. I grew up very modestly! I went to college and got a job making a great salary and my DH has a grea job aswell. I went on spending benders! I maxed out all of my cards, then tried to move on to his, taking money out of our savings acct. . . My DH was totally in the dark. Well. . .One day he checked the mail! icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif icon_eek.gif My credit card statement came! He lowered the boom on me right then and there. He wasn't angry and that helped, he wasn't confrontational at all. He just said. . .If you want us to be able to keep our home and all that he and I had worked for then I had to shred my cards and let him take over even my finances. He pays all of our bills, there isn't anything that I buy that he doesn't know about. I deposit a certain amount of $$$ in his acct every month, what is left is mine to do whatever I like with it. If I'm broke it's my own fault! I am now almost debt free. Thank God! I have only 2 credit cards left to pay off!

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jmcakes Posted 29 Aug 2007 , 2:19am
post #27 of 28

Thanks everyone!!! I am still listening! Get this new stuff I jsut found today!! I just spent 200 at the grovery store...and my husband spent 80 in ONE week at taco bell!!!! I cant even member last time me and the kids ate taco bell. He said he goes for lunch and late dinner because he works the late shift that he eats about 8 a each time hegoes there!!! ERRRR

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indydebi Posted 29 Aug 2007 , 2:31am
post #28 of 28
Originally Posted by jmcakes

Thanks everyone!!! I am still listening! Get this new stuff I jsut found today!! I just spent 200 at the grovery store...and my husband spent 80 in ONE week at taco bell!!!! I cant even member last time me and the kids ate taco bell. He said he goes for lunch and late dinner because he works the late shift that he eats about 8 a each time hegoes there!!! ERRRR

This is a result of the marketing strategies. Fast food places advertise their 99 cent menu or their dollar-menu, so customers are thinking "Oh, it's only a dollar" so they THINK they can get more because "it's cheap". 4 tacos and a coke is over $5. 2 cheeseburgers, a fry, a turnover and a drink is over $5.

But what also happens is that people will go to the place because in their head they are thinking "Oh, I'll go there for the 99 cent menu" but when they get there, they don't order from the 99 cent menu! Ergo they end up spending WAY more than they thought they were going to!

It's corporate marketing strategy to make you think it's cheap .... then it ends up costing you a fortune!

My husband buys frozen dinners at the grocery and puts them in the microwave at work. He spends $2 each for Marie Callendars (he stocks up when they go on sale).

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