let me start from the begining.... my BIL, My husbands brother, was married to a woman for 13 years but after repeated times of him cheating on her, she divorced him. while they were in the divorce process, she got pregnant. yes, by him.... anyway they got divorced she had the baby and she moved out. while she was in her own place, he was always there, spending the night, not visiting the kids. then she decided she could not make it on her own so she moved back in with him. now i tell you all this for this part of the story.... we were real good friends for some time then i got pregnant with my 2nd child and she still had not had any. she had been married into the family four years longer than i had. she had once told me she didn't want any kids cause he always cheated on her. so now i was on my 2nd and she was mad cause she had not had her 1st. okay, when i got pregnant with my 2nd she was so mad she got pregnant. so our friendship slowly dwindled to nothing and at one point she called me and started yelling at me saying she knew i was talking bad about her behind her back. i told her i had better things to do than talk about her and that made her even more mad. so we would act civil cause we were in the same family. even though she was divorced from the family. this went on for months until i noticed at her sons birthday party back in march that she would not talk to my kids and then again at her daughter party in may. so when i gave my kids a party at the end of may i did not invite her. i sent an invitation to her kids and my BIL who is there uncle by blood not marriage. she got mad and sent an invite to my husband for something her daughter was doing and said this invite is for you and the kids ONLY. so i decided to send her an email and tell her why i did not invite her. i told her that no matter what was between us it was not the kids fault and i would not allow her to treat my children that way. well she turned around and email back saying i was pathetic. i was so mad i wanted to tell her she should know what pathetic was since her life was. anyway i didn't cause I'm older than that.... so now tomorrow is her youngest daughters birthday party and she didn't even invite my kids. that is their cousin. my husband says he doesn't care and it should not bother me but it does. i am very upset about it. am i wrong to be upset? am i just being childish? my kids don't know about the party. i didn't want to tell them because they would want to know why they were not getting to go they are only 10 and 6. i hate this because there is nothing i can do about it. and btw her kids did not come to my kids' party and my kids asked me why. i told them they just couldn't make it. i have gotten to the point that i can not stand her. i told my husband for now on when Christmas and thanksgiving come around and we go to his parents house if she is there i am leaving with my kids. i don't want to be around her because she makes me so mad.

thanks for letting me vent. i know this whole thing sounds so childish but i don't know what else to do i can not let her treat my kids the way she is treating me.

Doesn't sound childish to me...well, except for HER behavior. We've had a similar situation in our family, except it's DH's brother who doesn't speak to me. It's not as big a deal because they don't live in the same town, but the kids have asked why we don't ever see them anymore.
I figure they have to learn sometimes that adults don't always behave themselves, so I just told them that Uncle ** can't get along with us, so we don't spend our time with him. In the same conversation, I named other people (family and friends) who we are close to, so they could see that we have lots of loved ones in our lives.
You're 100% right to protect your kids from her petty behavior. And, like you, I wouldn't tell them about the party, it will only hurt their feelings. Maybe you could just explain to them that Aunt Bug-up-her-Butt is mad about adult things and even though it has nothing to do with them, that she can't behave herself and be nice.
As far as her, doesn't sound like there's anything you can do except distance yourself and your children.

thanks... you would never know that at one time she and i were best friends. but i have noticed from others who were friends with her at one time that she treats everyone this way. unless she is benefiting from the person she doesn't treat them very well even if she calls them her "friend" i don't think she knows what a real friends is. and obviously she doesn't know what family is either.

I noticed that you have a signature on your post that indicates you have a personal relationship with God.
So, I feel comfortable in saying that I will pray for your situation.
It is difficult when someone we cared about begins to act in unloving ways.
She is a sad, unhappy woman. I don't mean to just be pumping your ego, but it seems that she sees your life ( happiness, successes, family and good husband) as a huge magnifier of all the things she DOESN'T have...and it burns. Life isn't a competion but she sees it that way. You know, the better your life is the worse mine must be.

Try not to let her emotional outbursts affect you.
She will only get to you if you let her.
Take a good look at her from God's eyes and you won't feel mad, just give her mercy. You know that mercy is NOT giving someone what they really deserve. In this case she needs a spanking ( just kidding)

As for the kids, tell them the truth. Their Aunt has bad manners and you wouldn't let a stranger treat them this way so why would you let their Auntie be mean to them. Until Auntie decides to be nice the family needs to keep their distance. It doesn't mean they can't love her and wish nice things for her. Ask them to pray with you for Auntie to find peace in her life.

I know a bit about this as I have a couple of toxic family members too.
I always say when one of them gets in my face, worked up about some perceived wrong I have done..." I'm sorry you see it that way". Or "Wow, I can see you feel passionately about this." and my favorite. " That is an interesting take on that subject."

Lets them feel like they have been heard but doesn't feed the fire.
A gentle answer turns away wrath.

((((hugs))))
mommachris

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I hve had two SIL's that have been nut jobs, both of htem are divorced out of the family now, thank goodness. One was a really close friend, too, I was her matron of honor and we were great friends, but she got jealous/mad when I started having kids and she couldn't concieve. She would sit directly across from me at family dinners and not speak of have eye contact with me. It was strange.

Good luck, I don't have any advice other than to be nice and civil, and do what yo ucan to protect your kids' feelings.

Sometimes it's just best to ignore people. Just ask your BIL to bring the kids over so you and the kids can see them. Maybe a sleep over

thanks for all the advice. i think i am just going to be the bigger person and ignore the whole thing. when my kids have a birthday party i am still going to invite my nieces and nephew to the party but if she says one bad thing to me i don't think i stay the bigger person for long...lol j/k maybe.

Unless she cheated on your BIL I don't think she is the worse person of the two. Ignoring your children is not necessarily mean. You noticed it, but you didn't mention if your children did. I'm not sure being jealous of you because you were pregnant or jealous of your stable relationship is a crime either. Sounds like she could use your sympathy. Maybe she didn't handle it the best way, but we don't get to pick family.

I understand the feeling of not wanting to be around her at all--I have family like that also. But if you stick to your guns, your kids' relationships will surely be affected, then you have to explain to them why the adults in the family can't work thing out.

It doesn't sound like anything that can't be fixed. If it's more important for your kids to have a feeling of well being in the extended family, I bet you could apologize for what very little you did wrong(not inviting her to the party). She may just apologize for her part. If you really don't want her in your life, that's okay too, but sounds like your husband, kids, and their cousins will all have to live with the decision.

well at the party we went to in may my DD asked why her aunt would not talk to her. so yes they notice. and her cheating or him cheating, i don't care it is their life i care about how my children are treated.

in the end i cant stand her for more than just this. this is just the last straw. it started way back when i was pregnant with my first child and she told the whole family i was not pregnant by my DH. she has done and said so much to me and i have always just ignored her and even stayed her friend because i figured thats just her and we cant change people. but now she is doing it to my kids and i will not stand for it.

it is true we can not choose our family but thats the thing they are divorced and she is not family anymore. my DH cant stand her and never could and he is ready to cut his brother out of our lives if he doesn't do something about her. i told him we could not do that but i will not let her continue what she is doing.

thanks for everyone who commented it helps to hear it from people who are not in the family. you know everyone in the family has their opinion as well.

ok i have had it!!! she doesn't stop! i swear i am not going to be able to sit at any family function with this b#@%^!!!

Hey Carla...did something else happen?

what hasn't she done i am just sick of her thats all

Deep breath, Carla - and another one!!
Now, go back and read over this entire post - Mommachris and Indydebi have both put the situation - and all of our support - into a nutshell.
This toxic .. (sorry, I was about to put something VERY rude in) is NOT worth the heartache.
You need to move away emotionally - your family is too precious for exposure to such an evil, jealous creature. I feel terribly sorry for her children, but it's YOUR family that you need to protect.
I hope that the situation will resolve, but be prepared for the possibilty that it will not. It sounds like your immediate family unit is loving and supportive - don't let her in to damage that.

The best thing to do is to "Kill her with kindness" It makes you the better person and will show her true light.