My husband is a heartless unfeeling @ss! He is the center of his universe and everyone else has to revolve around him no matter what it does to our marriage and his relationship to our kids! 
Am I alone or are other husbands cold and selfish too?
Yes, I had one too that was going to end our marriage until one night I put the kids to bed early, turned the TV off and had a serious heart to heart with him. I let him know what I felt as far as the marriage went (it wasn't gonna last much longer), how I've tried to cope with his not wanting to have any responsibilities for the family besides going to work and how I felt that I didn't even need him in all reality. All I needed was a job and I would be out of the house along with the kids. He then asked what he could do to make it better but all I told him is do what you feel you should do and I'll decide if this is gonna work or not. Since then, he comes home, helps with the kids and house work, teats me with respect and not like a nanny or a pee-on and he even spends time with the family. Let him know calmly and sturnly what you feel and what the consequences will be if things continue the way they have been. It wouldn't hurt to let him know hoe to correct it too. I got tired of telling my hubby what to do to make it better so he was on his own at that point. Good luck and I hope you can make things better between the two of you. I'm here for you if you need anyone to talk to.
No they are all around 
I have a BF (not husband yet.. too selfish) He's like that alot. He's getting better, but sometimes he forget's that there are two other people in the house and I have to get into "drill sergeant" mode to remind him. One example.. We had a sink load of dishes, due to the fact that I was really sick and I asked him to please do them. He looked right at me and said that he wouldn't do them because he didn't dirty them 
!!! OH Really 
OK... so I got a garbage bag out, and threw every single dish in the garbage (except the cake stuff I quickly washed and put away heheheee) then took the garbage bag outside. I'm talking glass dishes, silverware, plates pans EVERYTHING!!! I went into his room and said don't worry dishes are done. About 10 min later he went out and got the garbage bag and pulled out everything and washed it. He's never gave me a problem since!!! 
Sometimes we just need to remind them that they are in a FAMILY setting not a single one. It's taken me 6yrs and he's still far from perfect, but it is coming along.
I wish you luck... hopefully sitting him down and talking to him will work!! 
bo
just thought about posting the same thing about my husband but decided not to because of how personal it is. I really don't know what to tell you since I'm in the same boat, except my boat is sinking really fast. I try talking to him but that only works for like 2 days if at all. I love him and he CAN be a great guy, it's just the majority of the time he chooses not to be. I really don't know what to do anymore since it seems all I ever do is make him upset. His friends tell him how good he has it, but he doesn't listen to them at all. He actually started yelling at me this morning at 1:13 AM!!!!! Then wondered why I was crying because I had no reason to be! He's not happy with me a lot of the time anymore and I don't understand his reasons why, they are so petty and deal all about him, not me or the kids, just his own selfish reasons. Anyways, I've probly said to much already, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
To mkolmar: Sounds to me like your man's got a real problem on his hands. In marriage counceling, they tell you that if you have a problem with the marriage to look at yourself and see what you are doing wrong and change it. In your case it seems to me that you've done all the searching inside yourself and have come to the conclusion that the problem really isn't with you but in fact with him. Be stronge girl and don't make the same mistake too many of us have made and not say anything about it until it's too late. Again, be strong and God bless.
I HAD a husband like that...HAD being the operative word. I kicked his a** to the curb five years ago and it was the best, albeit hardest, decision that I ever had to make. He had a problem with my strong personality and my independence, so of course, I could do nothing right in his eyes. I put up with it for 14 years (for the sake of our daughter) before a major health scare for me finally put it in perspective. I could die miserable, or I could die happy. Well, I pulled through the health crisis, divorced him and moved on.
Five years later, I'm with a wonderful man that is truly the love of my life, my health is better, work is great...basically my whole life has turned around. I learned my lesson - NEVER let some man bring you down! It's your life and your responsibilty to make yourself happy. Trust me, it may seem impossible to pick up and leave, but in the end you and your kids will be better off if things are really that bad. A toxic environment isn't healthy for anyone.
get this... he blamed me for HIM volunteering to work on Sunday. (our family day). I just don't get his rationale but anything that ever goes wrong for him it is ultimately my fault. He is encapable of taking responsibility for anything that is bad (only the good).
Normally he would work on Mondays (even if it is a holiday), I home school so I scheduled school for this Monday (Columbus Day). A Monday as usual based on his schedule.
He volunteered to work on Sunday, normally our only time to be a family and didn't tell me until Friday! "I'm working Sunday not Monday so I want to do something then." I asked him why the work change, he said it was none of my business! When I told him I scheduled school for Monday he said he did care, that wasn't important to him, therefore it is my fault that there is something scheduled on his day off and it was my problem to fix it. OK, I can be Gumby.
Then he tells me he has a meeting early Monday morning (work related) and he thought that we (as a family) could go with him! OK, now this is his day off and this is what he wants to do as a family outing? A business meeting! he would be leaving at 7 am, drive an hour away for a two hour appt. Ooooo what fun it is to sit in the car for a couple of hours in a parking lot! 
I told him that it didn't make any sense to do this when he could spend his morning working and I could school our son, we could do something in the afternoon.
He got pissed off that my idea was more logical.
I have sat his butt down on may occasions and told him exactly how I feel. I feel as if I have to color everything in crayon for him and he still can't see the picture. Everything always has to focus on him, his needs, his wants, his desires and nothing else matters. He totally ignores my feelings, they just aren't important to him. But appearances are very important to him, he won't give me a divorce because that would make him look bad to his family and at work. We have even gone to a marriage counselor. He said it was a waste of money, the counselor said he has unrealistic expectations about what a family really is and what a wife is. I feel stuck.
He even wrecked my car and blamed me for it (I was not in or even near the car!). He said it was my fault!!!!! 
. Here is his logic.... As he started my car he was thinking about something his sister told him about a conversation she had with our college age daughter. When he put my car into reverse he was thinking about what my daughter said to his sister and was not pleased and he blamed me for her developing such a philosophy to think in such a way contrary to his, and this is when he stepped on the gas and backed in to a brick wall wrecking the whole rear end of my car! Thence, my fault!!! Oh, I watched it happen, he didn't even turn to look where he was going or bother to looking in the mirrors. He just put it in reverse and stepped on the gas! Also, we were on a family vacation, this was our only transportation! So the unhappy ruined vacation was also my fault.
Yipe, anything and everything that goes wrong within his life is ultimately my fault and he sees absolutely nothing wrong with thinking this way!
I have come to realize that he will always be this way, He will always be the center of his universe and no one else will ever be important to him. I will just have to go about my life for me (and my kids) and just use whatever this @$$ can provide us to make our lives comfortable. I will just do whatever I feel will make me happy without considering his happiness. If he doesn't like it, he can give me the divorce I want.
thanks, I just needed to vent.
He might be able to make getting a divorce very difficult but he can't stop you from filing for seperation and moving out. Do this for your kids, trust me children can see it and will wonder why Mom stayed with him for any reason.
He sounds emotionally and verbally abusive from what you've said, don't make your kids live through this, my father is like that and no one has ever told him he can't.
Wow! AFter reading that last post from you....I would say run away; RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!!!!!!
Seriously.....................for your children's sake-think about what type of an impression he's making on your homeschooled son.....do you want your sone growing up treating women this way?
I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to, CC is here!
mommykicksbutt, think about what behavoir your kids are learning from him and how it seems he steam rollers over you, do you want your kids being treated this way or treating someone this way? they are learning it from observing even if you don't want them too or tell them it's wrong. I'm putting my foot down once again this week, and this time I plan on crushing that bug instead of catering to it. I'm fed up, something has to change or I'm taking our 4kids and I'm walking out.
I feel you mommykicksbutt. I just let my hubby (a sheriff's FTO) in on what is going on here and he even said that a divorce would do you good. Heck if you really look at it it would do you both good. You and your son won't have to put up with his childish crap and he won't have to worry about "you being the big problem maker." (LOL what kinda crap is that?) 
Any who, it realy would be in the best interest of everyone (in my opinion) if you called it quits. I worked for a college professor about 2 years ago who at the time was going through a divorce. To his amazment, when it was all settled in court, he came into the office one day and said something like, "After the whole thing was done, my daughter came up to me and said, 'It's about time you guys got divorced.'" She knew that they hadn't been happy for such a long time and couldn't believe that they stayed together "for the kids" as long as they did. We are all so ignorant in thinking that we can hide stuff like that from our kids thinking oh they don't understand or they don't know what's going on, I hide it too well. WRONG!! They know it ALL! And if not, they will some day and they will appreciate what you did for them in the future. My daughter knows and she's only 5. God bless, we're here for you.
Mommykicksbutt, you should consider what kind of example of a marriage it is setting for your kids. You don't want them (esp. your son) growing up thinking that is how a man should treat a woman. I had a deadbeat husband, married for 10 yrs, and I finally filed for divorce because he ignored my repeated attempts to discuss the relationship with him. 5 years later, I am re-married to a wonderful man who treats me incredibly well. We look out for each other and do things for each other and appreciate one another. That is the kind of marriage I want my daughter to see, and hopefully one day find for herself. The divorce was a little rough on her but she is 15 now and the last couple years she has been able to see how her dad is (to his new wife) and she does not respect him. I wish their relationship were different - that he set a better example for her, but I can't control that. I don't say anything negative about him to her but I smile when she sees my new husband do something really thoughtful for me or her.
Think about your kids and do what's best for them (and YOU!)
WOW I thought that i had it hard. i have to live up to his expectations, which are higher than mount everest. but not only that i have to meet up to his mother AND sister's "style"
last week he invited them for dinner, so that saturday, i was working all day, i clean a lodge for hunters so that's pretty heavy duty cleaning!! anyway, i got home, the kitchen was a mess, and DH told me i should have cleaned up before leaving because i knew they were going to be coming over. well, i just sat on my butt and did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! (after all, i am the out-law), anyway, i wasn't even spoken too, or barely acknowledged, then the MIL and SIL started washing the dishes, i told them not to, after all we do have a dishwasher, but no heaven forbid, then they were going to throw out my silpat, and i said no don't i like it, and plunk into the garbage it goes, so then i got a "wee tiny bit upset. tongue in cheek" and said in a "slightly" louder voice, take that out of the garbage i like it and i use it, to which they replied to DH (he was there during the entire time) "well i have something better for you to use, so when i go to the sates (we live in canada) i'll buy you some,.....and then you'll throw these out, won't you?
i'm not going on anymore about that evening, but DH didn't say one thing to defend me, etc etc etc
last night he complained i didn't make (get this) Kraft dinner properly, that's only one of the many comments he makes to me, and when they get too much, i blow up, and my boys think that they have a crazy mother, i do suffer from clinical depression, but waking up to hear my H say to my son "you better that otherwise she'll chew you up and spit you out"
doesn't sound very supportive to me,
sorry about going on and on, but i feel like i am going totally crazy being married to mama's boy-
First of all....
Mommykicksbutt, I know it is easier said than done but you really should be living your life without this man. It sounds like to me that he is a selfish @$$hole and dosen't consider your feeling any little bit. You deserve to live happy and from what i've read you are anything but.
Second...
Arwin, I have a MIL and a SIL that if I would let them, they would walk all over me. I have actually had to fistfight my SIL because she thought she could come into MY home and tell me what to do. She started the fistfight. Now her or mommy dearest don't tell me $*** about what to do in my home. God help them if they ever threw something in my garbage can after me telling them not to. Sounds like your MIL and SIL need a lesson on manners. I would tell hubby to CUT THE CORD!!!!!!!!!
I had a selfish, emotionally distant husband, but now I have a considerate, loving one (different man). I would never have met my husband now if I'd stayed with the first one.
Cheers, from
SwampWitch
Oh Dordee if it would be that simple, i have told him time and time again, even the marriage councillor said the same things! 
but i'm not the momy, who caters to him and wipes his butt! (i wouldn't be surprised if she still does that for him )
she has an evil hold on the children of hers.
i am looking for a way to make my own money, H gives me "some"/month, but not enuff i can barely fill my gas tank.
oh well, until i do something actively about it, there will be no changes.
thanx for the help and advise though, always willing to listen if someone has advice. 
Mommykicksbutt, you owe it to yourself and to your son to exhaust every means possible to keep your family together. This country is filled with broken families and damaged children because so many people find it easier to ditch the marriage than stick it out and fight for it. Yes, he sounds like a selfish and manipulative man, but counseling (both marriage and personal) may work for him. He obviously has some issues that he needs to deal with in order to heal and put his marriage and child first. The two of you took a vow before God to stay together until death, and you created a child together. You both owe it to that child to fight for your marriage. I will be praying for all of you. Divorce is rarely a positive thing. (((((Hugs)))))
I have been there and done that. I was married to a stark, raving lunatic the first time around. Honey, life is simply too short to spend 2 seconds in a situation you don't want to be in. A man who doesn't take responsibility for his actions, yells at you, blames you for everything, and makes you look like a door mat in front of your children is not worth the gum sticking to the bottom of your shoe. Excuse me, but it makes me irate that any other woman is suffering like I did. Let me say this about your child/children: HE WILL REMEMBER!! My sons were 3 and 2 when married this man and THEY STILL REMEMBER!! They will bring it up right now to this day. It's not too late to start making happy memories for your child. It's too late to go back, but not too late to start over. I stayed with that @%$#% for a year and a half before he put his whole handprint in the middle of my little boys back. I never thought the anger would turn from me to my child, but it did. I'm telling you, he's unstable. When I read the post, I got flashbacks of all he did to me. I thought I was coping until it changed to my child. I ran like hell and never looked back. Just to let you know, he called me at work about 4 months after I left him. He had moved to Michigan and he calmy told me that he had planned to kill me on many occasions, but never could go through with it. He stated that he was jealous of me because he knew I didnt' need him and could survive without him. I don't know if your husbands anger extends to violence, but always know that it could. I thank God for delivering me out of that situation. I have a wonderful husband now. Please be happy.
Cakepro, this is nonsense and bull@@#@...just MHO of course, but why should she or any woman have to put up with this kind of treatment?
They shouldn't, and I don't see any indication that she is looking for an easy way out. Janice
"Mommykicksbutt, you owe it to yourself and to your son to exhaust every means possible to keep your family together. This country is filled with broken families and damaged children because so many people find it easier to ditch the marriage than stick it out and fight for it. Yes, he sounds like a selfish and manipulative man, but counseling (both marriage and personal) may work for him. He obviously has some issues that he needs to deal with in order to heal and put his marriage and child first. The two of you took a vow before God to stay together until death, and you created a child together. You both owe it to that child to fight for your marriage. I will be praying for all of you. Divorce is rarely a positive thing. (((((Hugs)))))"
I agree with veejaytx. It is never positive for children to stay in a negative situation. They are smarter than you think, and THEY DO REMEMBER! My children tell me all the time that they are so glad that "mean man" is not around. Mommykicksbutt, do what is best for you and your child, whatever that means. Either decision you make won't be easy, but you have my support. You can PM me anytime, I definitely know what you are going through. You are worthy of happiness, and your child would rather have two happy parents apart than two angry ones together.
WOW! Thanks all, knowing that strangers can care more than the husband is warming to know. He is out of town for a couple of days right now and we are having a blast! He is starting a new job (Navy local change of station) that will be taking him out of town a lot and that gives us (kids and self) time to relax and have some fun. I'm opening a separate and secret bank account to start funneling $$ to so that I can have some $$ just in case.
Husband has a huge anger management problem but is not violent. He knows better! I am black belted (3rd degree) in 3 martial arts (including samurai swordsmanship), I'm a Navy vet with 80% of my service time spent with the marines, and yes, I did their hand-to-hand combat martial arts training. I am also an expert shot with pistol and a riffle. My husband knows if he hits me or one of the kids he is a dead man before his body can hit the floor! My self defence and martial offense skills far exceed his and he knows it!
I am a very tolerant and patient woman, maybe this has been a problem. He has little by little over the course of the last 5 years (since he got back from Iraq) gradually gotten worse... more hyper-critical, condescending, disrespectful, and demanding.
Our daughter, now 21, is a junior in college, lives here at home, and does not date, she does not what to get attached. She sees how unhappy I am and says she will not put herself in the same position. She is quite content to be and stay single (she has a role model for this, her aunt is 49 and single and loving it!). She has stated that once she graduates College and gets a job that I should leave her dad and she will get me started out on my own (as I help her adjust to be on her own I assume too 
).
Our son has learned to stay out of his dad's way, tells dad exactly whatever dad wants to hear, and goes on his merry little way. When dad isn't around, he states how dad can be a real jerk, how he doesn't what to be like him, and how I'm the "real" parent in his life that shows him honestly, love, and truth. My 9 y.o. son says he wants to grow up to be a "man" like me. I listen to my son, I fix things with the car and around the house, I play the games he wants to play, we watch TV and movies and talk about the reality of what we saw, I teach my son his academics, his martial arts, I encourage him to have an open perspective of the world and environment, to respects others and life, to have an open mind and to think and do for himself.
My husband is very closed minded and incapable of doing hardly anything for himself (he won't even bother to learn how to operate the remote to turn on the TV and satellite box - he calls me or one of the kids in to do it for him ). My kids are smarter in many ways than their father. He is a lesson of what not to do and what not be be like. So, in a weird kind of way, that can be good, they've learned first hand what an @$$hole is really like and will be better equipped to recognize one and how to avoid and/or handle one later in their life.
Thanks for all your support. Just knowing you gals are here and can hear me and understand is refreshing for me.
Cakepro...why should she or any woman have to put up with this kind of treatment? Janice
Maybe because that woman loves that man, has committed herself to him, has created a life and a family with him, and would like to see him be healed of the problems that cause his behavior.
I have a sibling who is just like this and that person has problems that need to be resolved. Other family members don't like the treatment they receive from this person but we all know that there is something psychologically wrong and they need help, not condemnation and abandonment. Seeing that person as someone who needs help is better than viewing them through eyes blinded by hurt, anger and resentment. I suggest that the author first ask her husband about participating in marriage counseling, and hopefully that will open the door to him resolving whatever deep problems plague him.
And just in general about marriage and divorce since the topic has touched upon this subject...it seems that so many people never really comprehend the vow (definition: a solemn promise, pledge, or personal committment) they make when they marry (here's what my husband and I said...pretty standard stuff): "In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."
Something to think about. 
WOW! Thanks all, knowing that strangers can care more than the husband is warming to know. He is out of town for a couple of days right now and we are having a blast! He is starting a new job (Navy local change of station) that will be taking him out of town a lot and that gives us (kids and self) time to relax and have some fun. I'm opening a separate and secret bank account to start funneling $$ to so that I can have some $$ just in case.
Husband has a huge anger management problem but is not violent. He knows better! I am black belted (3rd degree) in 3 martial arts (including samurai swordsmanship), I'm a Navy vet with 80% of my service time spent with the marines, and yes, I did their hand-to-hand combat martial arts training. I am also an expert shot with pistol and a riffle. My husband knows if he hits me or one of the kids he is a dead man before his body can hit the floor! My self defence and martial offense skills far exceed his and he knows it!
I am a very tolerant and patient woman, maybe this has been a problem. He has little by little over the course of the last 5 years (since he got back from Iraq) gradually gotten worse... more hyper-critical, condescending, disrespectful, and demanding.
Our daughter, now 21, is a junior in college, lives here at home, and does not date, she does not what to get attached. She sees how unhappy I am and says she will not put herself in the same position. She is quite content to be and stay single (she has a role model for this, her aunt is 49 and single and loving it!). She has stated that once she graduates College and gets a job that I should leave her dad and she will get me started out on my own (as I help her adjust to be on her own I assume too
).Our son has learned to stay out of his dad's way, tells dad exactly whatever dad wants to hear, and goes on his merry little way. When dad isn't around, he states how dad can be a real jerk, how he doesn't what to be like him, and how I'm the "real" parent in his life that shows him honestly, love, and truth. My 9 y.o. son says he wants to grow up to be a "man" like me. I listen to my son, I fix things with the car and around the house, I play the games he wants to play, we watch TV and movies and talk about the reality of what we saw, I teach my son his academics, his martial arts, I encourage him to have an open perspective of the world and environment, to respects others and life, to have an open mind and to think and do for himself.
My husband is very closed minded and incapable of doing hardly anything for himself (he won't even bother to learn how to operate the remote to turn on the TV and satellite box - he calls me or one of the kids in to do it for him
). My kids are smarter in many ways than their father. He is a lesson of what not to do and what not be be like. So, in a weird kind of way, that can be good, they've learned first hand what an @$$hole is really like and will be better equipped to recognize one and how to avoid and/or handle one later in their life.Thanks for all your support. Just knowing you gals are here and can hear me and understand is refreshing for me.
I take it he's career military? If so that explains why he sounds like my father. They can be very controlling men. I am MUCH closer to my mother than my father because she was home with us while he was gone and like your children there were times we were glad he was gone or dreaded him coming home.
WOW! I read and read and thought?? Man I would not know what to do .. Woman can be so scared of just being independent.. That's the first thing you need to be... Independent.. I suppose funding that secret bank account would be a start.. I mean you gotta start somewhere right? Why not with his money! I went through a seperation years ago.. Hubby and I.. It was so hard on the kids.. they were 11, 9 and 8.. They are now teens 16, 14, 13.. They dont even remember we ever broke up.. So if you leave now, theres a good chance that your kids wont be affected by the seperation. They obviously see the bad in him already.. So they might not be so broken up about it. I could not imagine my husband doing that to me.. Bless his heart, he butt sucks when he makes me mad.. He knows not to make me mad.. Cause when mommy's mad, Every is mad!!! LOL
But seriously.. I'm glad you guys can enjoy life (when he gone) at least.. I guess if thats what you choose.. But just because he's gone here and there and you feel safe when hes gone.. He will always come back and make your life hell.. Just imagine, you and your kids allways being happy. Laughing everyday not every other month.. You and your kids deserve better.. Keep your head high.. and god bless you!
Cakepro...why should she or any woman have to put up with this kind of treatment? Janice
Maybe because that woman loves that man, has committed herself to him, has created a life and a family with him, and would like to see him be healed of the problems that cause his behavior.
I agree with you ... in a PERFECT world. We certainly don't live in a perfect world, and we never will. Do you feel that a woman who is being physically abused by her husband (who also, by the way, physically abuses the children) should stay with him because she "has committed herself to him"? I worked in a battered women's shelter for a couple of years, and sadly, this was the mentality of so many of the women I worked with. Some men cannot be "healed", because they choose not to be. No amount of marriage counseling or any other intervention will help some men. I don't think it has anything to do with comprehending the vows or taking them seriously. Some people just marry jerks (and don't realize that until they're married), and they shouldn't have to be stuck in that misery for the rest of their lives just because they took a vow. I'm sorry, but I feel very strongly about this. It breaks my heart to see women who stay with their husbands "for the children", because like so many others have said, it can be more damaging for the children to stay together than to get divorced.
Do you feel that a woman who is being physically abused by her husband (who also, by the way, physically abuses the children) should stay with him because she "has committed herself to him"?
I would never advocate someone staying with a physically abusive partner, either male or female.
We are talking about the situation described here by the original poster, not hypotheticals.
Quote by @%username% on %date%
%body%