going very very wrong. 
(I'm so depressed I can't even cry) My hubby's being a poop head. 
So during times that I'm feeling absolutely sad I give compliments. I figure why should I spread my misery? Everyone has enough sad stuff of their own.
Sooooo...I just wanted to tell all you CCers how much I appreciate your comraddery and joy and love of cakes and all things desserty.
It can't be all bad, I still have cake.
Wow - anyone who tries to boost up other people when they're feeling down is obviously a very loving and caring person. I expected a totally different post when I saw the title. Cheer up! We all go through phases where our patience is stretched and we feel pretty down in the dumps. But it will pass. Have you talked with DH? What kind of stress is going on in his life that he's passing along to you?
Wow - anyone who tries to boost up other people when they're feeling down is obviously a very loving and caring person. I expected a totally different post when I saw the title. Cheer up! We all go through phases where our patience is stretched and we feel pretty down in the dumps. But it will pass. Have you talked with DH? What kind of stress is going on in his life that he's passing along to you?
Thank you EVERYONE. I am the most private person you will ever know but I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
My hubby is a $$ worrier and if the financies aren't going well then our emotional needs take a back seat. He believes money is more important than family. When I tell him that Family is more important and they help you through the bad times, he tells me that if it weren't for the money then the family would not be supported. (Good point but he doesn't GET IT)
It's a circle and a discussion that I cannot win nor can I get him to compromise.
He says one thing and when I discuss it with him and do the thing he needs he later on takes his frustration out on me. (This doesn't mean he is abusive. I would already be out of the relationship if it went there. This is normal "my spouse is beign a bonehead" kinda vent.)
Ex: I was working as a yoga teacher and massage therapist when we first met. Money was never great but it was there on occasion. The places I worked at sabotaged the work environment. Like the yoga studio was 57 degrees in the winter, blarring music in the next rooom they refused to turn down for their classes, etc.
I am highly qualified for massage and as a Spa Director but massage work, well, let's just say it took my husband 6 years to finally admit that the color of my skin was not getting me a job. (It has been tough) I was suddenly dropped from my last massage job (keep in mind I was the person you could call whenever someone else didn't show up. I was there working hard hours all the time and I had clients that were becoming regulars).
Hubby and I bought a beautiful house and I got pregnant a minute after we moved in and 5 months pregnant my massage job didn't call me to let me know my schedule. When I called them repeatedly no one, I mean NO ONE, returned my phone calls. Another woman was pregnant at the job and she got to keep her job and she had less qualifications and less seniority.
I was very heartbroken but I'm a go get 'er so I took up a hobby, cake decorating classes.
My husband wasn't pleased about the situation about me losing my job, blamed me, and in a panic demanded that I seek employment. I was 8.5 months pregnant at the time. 
When we met he believed that because of my less than great income it would be better for me to be a semi-stay at home mom. We discussed the situation/scenerio for 5 years before choosing to have our child. Now he's taking out his money frustrations out on me.
I told him I could get a job somewhere but he says they wouldn't pay me what I'm worth. Unfortunately, this makes it where he has to pay my debts. They are very very very small compared to his but at this moment he blames me for all financial woes.
Whenever I am unhappy about a wasted product he's bought (like a video camera he bought when our son was born so he could "capture his ever moment") I told him I was going to sell it on eBay.
Why?
Because our son is 10 months and can sign "milk" says "Mama", crawls and started walking at 9 months. Where's the video camera? In a box somewhere.
So that's what the fight is about.
Surface fight: Video Camera
Deeper Issue: Financial fear
He wants me to apologize but I can't, not after he called me a few choice words. (Yes, I did tell him where he could stuff it). I am no one's doormat. Just because he pays for things does not make me less of a person and it surely doesn't mean I don't pull my weight and then some.
He treats me as if I don't have a paycheck then I'm somehoe not giving enough. The jobs I have now don't make squat but I'm hustlin' and I'm trying to find the $$ that's needed without sellin' my soul or peace of mind.
I'm soooo sorry that you are having a hard time! Looottts of hugs from me! You'll cry when the time is right. I know w/out my kids sometimes I think I would crumble.... like an overbaked cake
But you absolutely ARE contributing. Staying home with the kids is the hardest job I've ever had. And if you factor in the house cleaning, cooking, errand running, etc . . . you are doing a heck of a lot. Now, I know it doesn't help much when finances are tight and there's no paycheck to show for it but what you are doing DOES matter.
Are you able to sell cakes from home? What kind of restrictions does your state have? Is this a potential avenue for you to pursue? I took a look at your photos and not only do you have an awesomely unique decorating style (love the buddha and peacock feather cakes!) but you obviously go to great lengths to perfect delicious signature recipes (NEVER would have thought to pair blueberry with lime - yum!) but even your presentation and photography is absolutely professional and eye-catching. I would think you'd be able to do very well selling your baked goods. Granted, I know it's hard to make a steady income with it but people do and you're obviously very passionate about it.
Finances always put a strain on a marriage. Have you sat down with your hubby to be sure he knows you are both on the same side and that if you work together, you can find a workable solution? I've never known of a couple that worked against each other and achieved all of their goals. But the ones that work together, well, there's no stopping them!
Why is it that men think that what women do is unimportant?? It makes me madder than anything.
Even with our bakery, we don't get as much respect as we should. My mom and I work our butts off with the farmers markets and my dad helps us load up the van with all our racks, tables, etc. So last week I was baking and in the middle of something when my dad starts loading up. We have to take the back seat out of the van and so he asked me to help him take it out. I do help him most times but my husband was in the next room watching TV and told me to let him know when it was time to load up so he could help. I said, "oh, Jesus (husband) said he'd help with that" so my dad's response? "oh, but he's been working all day. He should rest up" What did he think my mom and I were doing ALL day, since even before my husband left for work in the morning?? My husband heard and came in to gladly help. He does think of what I do as work and that's great but sometimes he gets really mad when the house isn't clean after I've been wrking all day and such...mad at the kids mostly but I think he's a bit annoyed like I hadn't reprimanded the kids enough or something for making messes.
I guess if you do it in the home it's not really work to men??
Being a stay at home mom IS a full-time job! Look at my signature quote for my opinion on that 
Bless you guys.
NJ forbids me to sell cakes from home. It didn't help that I was making truffles for an important magazine presentation. If they like my work I can get hired to do layouts, etc. All my chocolate was ruined because of the humidity. No matter how cold I had it in the house everything was blooming as if it were spring! 
Needless to say my hubby didn't seem to notice, which felt condescending. Do you know what I mean?
I talk to hubby all the time about this subject. Let me tell you he's a Taurus AND he is the kind of person that does not change his mind often and when he does it takes a long time. I'm not kidding. I've figured for the major important things it's taken about 2 to 3 yrs. for him to change his view about something. Stubborn is a light word to describe him. Oh and he's much older than me so he's definately set in his ways.
I'm sorry I always figured that no matter what someone's age was that when you get older you would want to do the most logical thing(s) in your life. Family would take on greater importance than money because as you've gotten older you've become wiser.
I could scream. I've never shaken a kid but is it all right to shake your husband?
First, I just want you to know that there are three main causes of arguments in marriage. One of those is finances.
Second, I am curious to know if you have looked into private/personal massage, on your own and not through a spa? The ads I see around here are for anywhere between $50-$80 an hour. If you were building up a regular clientele at your previous job chances are you can undercut them and get your clients to contact you directly. Look around to small local papers rather than the main newspaper to advertise, you can almost always get free or very low cost rates. Or post on craigslist.
Third, when we are mad we say things we don't mean. And when we are broke we are stressed. Your husband is obviously stressed out and worried about making enough money to support his family. He might think that it reflects badly on him as a husband and provider. He may even be depressed.
Fourth (I'm almost done I promise), don't be afraid to apologize and don't let pride be what holds you back. This was hard for me to learn, especially if I felt he was at fault for the argument. But I began to see the effect of being the one to apologize FIRST, especially if your husband is stubborn. And I also began to realize that apologizing is not necessarily saying you are the one in the wrong! It just tends to open doors to new discussions.
I have been married for almost 11 years, we have two kids and we have been through so much together. We have briefly separated twice, been across the US and back, and even filed bankruptcy. It took a lot of commitment and preserverence but when the times got better (and they WILL trust me!) we were not as stressed out and were able to remember why we fell in love and got married in the first place.
I wish you lots of luck and patience. Your little one will be in school before you know it and you will have more time on your hands to go out and get a good job. Of course I don't know anything about your finances or bills, but in the mean time is there anything you could do to cut costs in your everyday life? Not driving as much, only washing clothes in the evening or on weekeds, not eating out, etc. There are even websites out there that teach you how to be frugal!
Take Care!!!
Believe it or not I forgot to say something in my last post.
Yes, I do believe it's ok to shake your husband.
I'm so sorry for your situation, I will keep you in my prayers. Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey? He has a great program for debt reduction and finances. His website is: www.daveramsey.com
I hope this helps a bit.
Thanks Crystalina. When it comes to the massage it's pretty much dead. There is a saturation of the market and I've offered private massage for years at a competitive rate priately but after so many years there's no bite. *sigh* I have my few regulars that know our finance situation, to a point, and have been helpful in keeping us afloat in one way or another. Bless them! (I make cakes for them at a discount because of their word of mouth)
I am the most frugal person you know. I don't spend money on myself, excluding the apricot scrub from St. Ives. I make my own bath products (that was a past business attempt) and I make almost everything we need for the house. We eat at home, laundry is done at night, etc I don't drive much and if I do it doesn't take much gas because I have a energy-effiecent vehicle. (Green friendly vehicle)
As I write this my husband has apologized for being a poop. I stopped apologizing for things I did not do because it's a bad habit of mine. I used to apologize for any and everything which is actually a problem. (It's a repetition issue, think OCD and yes, it's as annoying as it sounds.)
My hubby has admitted that I've held my end of the bargain, if you can call it that, by not buying anything that isn't essential. I have several writing jobs, a private baking job and I'm going to school (a work study program of 1600 hrs. to avoid having to pay over $30K in school loans). After the work-study program is over I'll be going to school for free.
Oh and did I mention I make sure our house is tidy and I still nurse my child despite having to travel to NYC 4 days a week? Yes, he has apologized. Yeah!
Oh thank you! I meant to add that in but I just got too caught up! The other two are sex and housework! Our argument is housework. We have tentatively agreed to disagree.
Oh thank you! I meant to add that in but I just got too caught up! The other two are sex and housework! Our argument is housework. We have tentatively agreed to disagree.
housework eh? Yeah, That's a big one around here. I do it all but I also do the bakery and have an interpreting job. He is the major breadwinner and does help out sometimes with folding clothes (very much appreciated when it happens, although sometimes they don't get put away and then end up on the floor needing refolding ) I HATE laundry...with a passion.
Oh thank you! I meant to add that in but I just got too caught up! The other two are sex and housework! Our argument is housework. We have tentatively agreed to disagree.
Really?? Sex and housework? My guess would have been kids and in-laws!!!
Cheer up. I know how you feel this happens in all marriages. So try to relax and dont let this affect your nerves in this cases the most affected one its always the woman. So please dont get deppresed about it and try to work it out as best a you cant. Believe me I know how you feel. Try to smile evrryntime you look at him and he will feel very guilty about what ever he said or do to make you feel bad. God is with you . Have faith and everything will be fine.
Fifa.
I'm so sorry for your situation, I will keep you in my prayers. Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey? He has a great program for debt reduction and finances. His website is: www.daveramsey.com
I hope this helps a bit.
Let me just agree with this. He has a wonderful book and a great talk show. He is down to earth and will tell you like it is. At first when I read the book I thought he might be crazy. But my husband and I decided we owed more than we wanted to so we started in on it....together, and in 9 months paid off $25K! Oh and let me say that my husband does earn a decent income but I am a sahm. So we did this on one income.
Anyway it seems as though the root of your problems is finances. So maybe if you can decide on a strategy together on how to meet your needs maybe then you will be on the same page. Maybe if you really sit down and decide whether or not you need to work or can you make some changes to your lifestyle to fit your budget.
Anyway, good luck to you and best of wishes. I will be thinking of you!
Thanks everyone. We have a debt reduction plan in place and we have been putting money towards our son's education. My husband likes to panic. He's one of those people that believes he's not panicking. He also believes he's really good at keeping his panic to himself. He is definately not, he's the only one that doesn't realize it.
Our house was bought last year and should be paid off in 8 years.
I would like to open my own bakery in 5/6 years and use the income to send our son to a really great private school in the area. We'll see, but that's my motivation to keep me from quiting my long hours of working.
Hi Mamaberry, I am sorry you are going through tough times, but this too shall pass.
I will say though, we are in the SAME boat, and here is a big hug from me to you. Also, I am in NJ too.
I have a good friend who is in the same line of work as you and you might be interested in speaking with her. I will pm you asap.
Hang in there and maybe something good is waiting!
First, I just want you to know that there are three main causes of arguments in marriage. One of those is finances.
What are the other two??? I'm dying to know!
I'm thinking one is probably kids anyway... 
Here's our three---Not in any particular order--Money ( I spend too much), kids (each others stepkids) and Money (he nags too much about me spending too much) 
Housework? I don't do housework with a 2 and 3 year old running around. Seems like I'm going nowwhere fast when it comes to cleaning Forgot about Sex? What's that? Refer to 2 and 3 year old running around...
Cheer up mamaberry!! It'll pass. I too had a full time job before two small children(I also have a 16 yr old) and quit to stay home, so I think sometimes I feel guilty for not working because I have all my life, but hey,as other posters have said...you are making a major contribution by staying home with your child.
The best advice i ever received was to go aout and purchase a copy of a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.
Before I read it we were on the brink of divorce. We had been to a therapist and it seemed hopeless. Well I have always listened to Dr. Laura on the radio so I decided to get the book (even though the title turns a lot of women off!!!)
What a difference!! I started reading it and doing what it said I should be doing, which was all very easy. The change that came over my household was amazing. After I read that book I purchased "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages" and my husband & I listened to it on tape.
I can only say if you are having problems give this book a try. The changes start with you (which most people don't like in the beginning) but when you realize that you have the power to turn it around that attitude changes!
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