under these conditions?

MY DH gets very frustrated that I never (or almost never) call my MIL for help. She lives just three miles away and 'supposedly' moved here from Europe to watch our kids and help us out.

Well, that worked with our first son... She watched him in our home from the time he was 2 until he was 5 and then we moved to Canada for a bit (she didnt want to follow before she had her citizenship squared away (long story as she had been a permanent resident for 20 years, so why NOW to become a citizen?) and then our move to Iowa for a year was temporary, so she stayed put.

When we moved ot the dc area, she followed us 3 months later. I was staying at home because when we moved we found out I was expecting and then I stayed home the first two years. Now, about the time she moved here she discovered that she had some MAJOR osteoperosis problems and actually broke 7 vertebrae in a boat the summer before... so she was under no circumstances to lift a baby (even a newborn) and never lift anything more than 5 lbs again (and she can't do even that now probably).

So, there hasnt' been a lot she can help me with - she couldn't lift the baby and I didn't want her helping with housework as almost ALL of it is too much for her. When I would ask her over to help with folding laundry or just to watch henry while I was nearby if she needed me to lift him or something, she drove me CRAZY because she is OBSESSED with cleanliness and I would clean something and she would say what else I needed to clean and so on and so on... if I sat to have a cup of tea, you could see she was thinking "you have so much to do, why are you sitting?" Being super clean is just not a priority for me - manageable mess is good for me (and dh)... and with kids? it's the only sane possibility for us...

So, I don't like her coming over either - and I can't stand her company (as she's always talking about cleaning or how ugly/fat/whatever people are- very shallow person)....

Anyway, DH would like me to call her more to have her watch Henry. he's now two and doesn't need to be picked up, but... I can't stand her here (and he HAS to understand that too as he goes NUTSO every time she stops by) and I get tired of ASKING all the time. She'll say, "Melissa, just call me if you need help." and waits for me to call. When I call, she sounds sooooooo nonplussed (sp?) and acts like she's going out of her way.. She'll say, "well, I was planning on returning my book to the library, but OK, I can do that tomorrow."

She NEVER volunteers to help - never... not when I had a newborn, not when both kids were super sick last week... never offers a meal when she knows I'm swamped... NADA...

But, DH still wants me to call her to ask for her help - she has no other responsibilities, no hobbies, nothing - only cleaning.... but I HATE, HATE, HATE to do it. If she would OFFER once in a great moon, then maybe I would feel she really means she wants to help me, but I don't get that... DH says, "Melissa, that's just the way she is. She'll never offer, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to help. She just doesn't know HOW to behave properly and how to make herself appear like she is helpful or wanting to be helpful."

So... what would you do???? Do I just need to get over it and DO IT... I have so many things I want to do around the house before I start back to work this summer and I can't do it without help... but it's so hard to go against your gut... Plus, I feel alittle like I'm just being nice to get what I want, and I'm just not like that.... Ugh.. but it's good for henry to be near grandma too, especially with language stuff as we are raising our kids bilingual... I need to get over it and just call her a couple times a week, don't I?



Melissa

My first question is why does your DH want you to call her for help? Does he think you need help or does he want to keep her busy?

second question: When you DO go back to work, who will watch the kids?

i need the help. We have SOOOO many things we wan to get down with the house (have paint strips everywhere, never got to painting), need to hang curtains, need to just do a lot of stuff that's not easy to do with a 2 year old under foot. My husband doesn't get home until 7 pm, so it's LONG days too!

melissa

Saturdays with Nana??? -- that's just one day a week -- but it could be most if not all day -- even a sleep over?

both with her and you can work on home projects?

Well, I would say if you for sure need the help than it would probably be helpful. Even if just for a short period of time just to help free you up some. Besides, it may be a good bonding moment between grandson and grandma. Wishful thinking I know, but it never hurts to try. If it doesn't work out just don't ask her again.

Good luck, I know the issues you have with her are rough ones!

Sounds like my Lifetime Movies Network MIL!

First, I have a great MIL and she is the kind that will drop anything if you call and need her.

In your case ...... if you genuinely need help and it's something she can help with, then I wouldn't have a problem with asking her. If you are asking her just to feed her ego, then I say don't do that. It's fake and phony and you don't build good relationships that way.

Oh my god, it's like you are talking about my MIL!
Mine is exactly like yours and I can't STAND asking her for help (especially as she bitches about me and my family to her daughter afterwards) so after 8 years of marriage, unless it is a DIRE emergency, I don't call her or ask her for help at ALL!
But the catch is... I make hubby do it! It's his mum after all, and if he says she hasn't seen the grandkids for ages, then I say well you ask, or you take them while I do some cakes or washing or just some "me" time.
Then he visits his own mum and has to listen to her crap (which she normally subjects me to while he tunes out).
It is working wonderfully, and no hard feelings.. Maybe you could try that approach, after all, if the relationship is not a good one, it is his mum not yours when it all boils down.

I know what you mean about not liking to spend time with her, my MIL drives me up the wall. She likes to worry over things and tells me the same things over and over and it's never pleasent stuff, I wouldn't mind if it was a funny story about her cat or something.
I feel kind of bad right now because I've been not calling her when I take the boys for walks, we live in a rural area and the woods surrounding our house has paths that we walk and she wants to come because she'd like to lose weight. The problem is that if we go for a walk I'm sure to hear a couple things first among them being about how dry it's going to be this summer and all the problems associated with it. The thing that really drives me nuts is her weather predictions are based on the weather from last year.

I also can't say anything to her about my family because then she starts getting into all kinds of other stuff. Recently I made the mistake of saying something about my brother needing a new vehicle soon and she started going on about how they should just take what they have in to be fixed and acting like they just wanted a newer vehicle, the one they were replacing had 240,000 miles on it and several problems. Another brother is getting married and I'm doing JUST the cake (they haven't set a date yet but it's not for another year) and she's giving me advice on food prep and decorations for the hall.


My husband gets annoyed when I complain to him but I notice that he doesn't spend much time with her, he goes and sees his dad.

I've been avoiding her for about a year and it's paying off, she's been letting the kids come over more often on their own because I don't come visit much anymore so she doesn't see them. I don't say she can't see the kids so I'm not being mean and I do go over some, just not as often as she'd like to see the kids.

I was very blessed to have a wonderful MIL who passed a few years ago...however, my own mother is like this. And if she ever does actually help with anything, we never hear the end of it. So I just don't ask. She's not pleasant to be around and I don't enjoy being criticized (who does!). I let the kids go to her house so they can spend time with their grandparents and very occasionally, we will get together for something or other, but for the most part, I think life is too short for me to be uncomfortable in my own home. There are times I really could use some help, but I've been burned by her too many times before.
Obviously, your DH knows how she can be...just tell him how she makes you feel and that you'd rather do things without her standing over you and judging!

OMG, I can't stand it... MIL just came over - I'm finally learning to deal with her rude comments, but the PHONINESS will get the best of me yet! UGH!!!

So, she came over to bring the rest of the cake my older son likes. She literally stood in the doorway and then we went out. I was talking to her about how we are cutting the horrible holly bushes out front and she goes on and on about how it looks awful and look at how nice every else's looks (only our immediate neighbors have manicured yards - the rest are normal townhouse blah)... and we "inherited" these awful prickly holly bushes.

Anyway, then our neighbor comes out and they have done a few things together and our neighbor really is a sweetheart, but THEN my MIL hugs and KISSES me goodbye and gets all sweet. (She gets flirty with men too - ugh!) and then goes off to talk to our neighbor, basically, "dismissing" me... I wanted to ring her throat! HUGGING and KISSING me? that was for effect and I can't stand it!!! Phoney people are the TOPS, TOPS, TOPS of my "can't deal with you" list... UGH..... and I was going to ask her to watch my little guy, but she grossed me out too much! LOL

Mleissa

Oh I feel for you all! I have a wonderful MIL and FIL. They do EVERYTHING for us. They are driving from Ohio next week to visit us in TX. I love them. I don't know what I would do without them!!!
My mom well she can be a bit snobby but I have never had any complaints from hubby and he would surely let me know.

I hope you get to work it out. Don't be phoney then you are putting yoursefl in the same level as her and you don't want that.

I "can't" be phoney... I couldn't live with myself, but I don't have to pretend to like her and I don't. I just realize she's a part of my life and like colleagues you don't particularly care for, you act cordial and go about your business.

The fact is, she's grandma and as grandma she "does" want to help, but doesn't know how to do it.

So, I NEVER shmooz up to her... but taht doesn't mean I still can't ask for help when I truly need it. But, I won't act like I want her around to "chat" with. But I don't think she wants that either - we drive EACH OTHER batty - goes both ways.

I just wish DH would step in on my behalf once in awhile. He says he has enough trouble dealing with her himself, so doesn't want to add to his frustration by being the go-between for the two of us... so... I just have to suck it up.

Melissa

I hope you get it all worked out! Good luck.

It seems you do have a dilemma. You know you often hear grandparents saying it's better when you have grandchildren as you can send them home! Well you can do the same with granma too can't you!

Maybe she would like to feel useful and like I said she can be brought back home!

IMO grandparents are important to grandchildren the sad thing is that it's not realised sometimes until it's too late! They are more relaxed and have more time for the endless questions sometimes that kids can ask and they can give different pearls of wisdom too!

Your MIL may not be capable of helping you out the way you would like her to but she may be able to help you guys out in other ways but you won't know until you give it a fair try!

You are in a difficult position, I hope you can find a happy medium for all of you! Best of luck!

Well, I called MIL to watch Henry today and it was a good thing. I was able to get some shopping done without a whiney 2 year old and I got our entranceway cleaned out and a load of dishes, got a yard sale listing done on Craigslist, weeded the garden, folded a load of laundry, putzed on the computer and RELAXED. I called when i thought he would be up from his nap, but he was still sleeping and MIL said that she could keep him longer (and seemed to WANT to)... So, she had him from 11:00 to 5:00 pm!!! (He slept for 3 of those hours) - everyone was happy - he was, I was and MIL was... WIN WIN WIN!!! She'll see if she can watch him for a bit on Friday too (I'm trying to get ready for a yard sale on Saturday).

The BIGGEST breakthrough though, was that DH realized that it "IS" different for me than for him because I really "can't" say what I think/feel as easily as he does. He's alway said, "No, you solve it or figure it out, blah, blah, blah", but last night he said, "Well, it's kind of like my and my former step-dad. I have to always think about how what "I" might say might affect my Mom's relationship with him." Sven can tell his Mom she's crazy, but I can't! and he FINALLLLLLLLY gets that my position is HARD because I really have to always suck it up...

but today was good and I "WILL" do it more often. I just hope she doesn't expect to see my house IMMACULATE after these days... I'm striving for controlled chaos! LOL

Melissa

Well, that sounds good for you. Thank goodness for naps. When my children were young, napping wasn't working out ... since I had three kids in 36 months ... the option of everybody asleep at the same time was unheard of!

I would never call my MIL for anything! We just decided not to invite her to DD's commencement ceremony because we don't want her ruining anything.

You have to understand, she has dementia, alzheimers, skitzophrenia (?), and a list of other things and is only getting worse.

We have tried for years to include her. I even paid for her to come to Florida from Ohio for a whole month and all she did when she got there was pick a fight with me and leave within the week.

There is only so much you can do for selfish, inconsiderate people (and I don't think it is the mental illnesses completely. Did I mention she once attacked me while I was holding my baby? This was before I tried to do so much to include her in our lives).

I do think you owe your MIL a chance to be included in the family, though. Just take her out for a dinner or something in public, and give her plenty of notice.

leave it alone and don't play her game... you could be describing my MIL... so I told my DH that if he wanted to see his Mom, he could go to her house, take her out to lunch, take the kids over there, etc. She's never given one hoot about us, but always makes a point of calling a couple of days before her birthday, or Mother's day, etc. to remind us of the date, but never once has she sent a birthday card to either of us or our two daughters in over 28 years of marriage... not even a Christmas card, for that matter... didn't even get a wedding gift. Don't get me wrong, it's not about gifts, but it's an easy example to provide. I won't go into the truly outrageous and horrifying things she's done - infuriates me. So, I don't hold my DH back from seeing his Mom, (he feels guilty if he doesn't continue to make an effort) but I don't get involved, unless I happen to answer the phone if she does call. I'm polite and pass the phone. He can call her, see her, etc., but I don't need or deserve the drama, and believe me, there has been a lot. If you need the help, perhaps you can work out a deal with one of your friends... take turns. Worked for me. And remember, you can pick your friends, but not your relatives and just because you share blood, doesn't mean you have to share anything else. Sorry for being harsh, but it's a cold reality of my family's life. It is what it is. LOL... our daughter is being married in about 2 weeks... If history repeats, some MIL drama WILL be created - we just have to remember to recognize it for what it is and not feed the monster. Like I said, let it go. As long as you let her, she'll continue to behave the way she does. Don't give her the opportunity.