I got this email from my father-in-law who is not funny at all, but the email was...
Holiday Eating Tips:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving bourbon balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch,
it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it
any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You
can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get
up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over,
but hurry. January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Quote by @%username% on %date%
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