Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an unsupportive husband? I am new to cake decorating, and each on of my cakes gets better, but I still have a ways to go. I would like to start a business on the side once I'm more comfortable with my abilities, so I am constantly doing cake-related stuff in my spare time (I don't have much - I have two kids under the age of two...). When I get an order from a friend and have a deadline, I have to either hand the kids over to my husband when he gets home from work, or stay up until 2am (which never works, b/c my oldest is up at 7am). He doesn't work that hard at work (he deals with computers, and only works when he gets an e-mail or phone call), whilst I'm home running around all day taking care of the kids, the animals, the house, dinner, laundry... ...you know the drill. To get to the point, he's angry and says that he's tired from work, and doesn't want to have to watch after the kids when he gets home.
I really would like to start this business not only for the extra money coming in, but it's finally something that I enjoy doing and I feel as though I have the potential to be really good at it.
Has anyone ever dealt with this, and did you follow through with your dream anyway?

Thanks, guys.

Eesh, this could be a sticky situation.

I think the problem here may be communication... I'm not a therapist but I'll try my best. I know you think that what he does isn't that hard or tiring or that he's being lazy, but he's your husband and you should give him the benefit of the doubt that he's as tired as you are at the end of the day. My fiance works in computers and he just kicks back 100 percent when he gets home. He may not be on his feet or having to be 100 percent aware all the time like I am, but it is tiring and I know that because my fiance hates his job, it makes it a lot more mentally straining on him.

I would have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him why you like doing cakes, that you really want to continue, and that you think this will benefit your family. I'd also acknlowedge his feelings on not wanting to have to deal with the kids and work towards finding a solution with him.. don't invalidate his feelings but instead maybe try to put a different spin on things. What if him and the kiddos had a ritual every night that gave you a little bit of a break but wasn't too taxing on him and gave him some quality time with his kids? Maybe they could all read together or watch a movie every night, something that doesn't require a ton of activity from him but gives you the peace you need to do your cakes.

I hope I helped some!

I have been having some of that at home too! I have a 9, 6years old and 15 month old baby (not much time for myself) but i too love making cakes.

Another suggestion would be to leave your kids with a family member or maybe a friend? I do this some times. Or maybe getting them to bed earlier?
I know it's not easy but maybe you can find some other way that won't involve your husband. Yes I know it's not fair for you, but you do have a lot of talent I'm sure you will figure it out.

Good luck!

Bear in mind that I'm one of those old, married ladies who is LONG past the stage of feeling like I have to kiss some husband's rear end so that's he's "happy", at a cost of total sacrifice to me having a full and "happy" life also.

That said.......

I agree that he's JUST as tired as YOU are at the end of the day ... which gives him zero excuses and reasons on why HE gets to sit in front of the TV and do nothing and YOU have to continue with dinner, dishes, kids' baths, etc.

There was a point that I would come home from work, just like him, and sit around doing nothing, just like him. And when he asked "are you going to make dinner?", I would tell him, "No...today I'm being a MAN and doing the MAN thing after my long day .... I'm doing NOTHING, too, and just expecting dinner and dishes and laundry to magically appear around here. Hey..... how do YOU get that to happen?"

They are his kids.... how come when you are with them, it's because it's your job, but if HE is with them, then he's "babysitting"?

When he points out that he works all day, you just respond, "So do I." When he points out that he's tired at the end of the day, you respond "So am I." When he points out that he wants some quiet time when he gets home, you reply "So do I". When he whines that he wants time for fun-stuff, you reply "so do I".

I am not here to be his maid, servant, MOTHER, or any other position of subservience ..... it is not my job to make him "happy". WE are a partnership. WE are a couple. WE are a team. WE work together. And that doesn't mean I do the work at home for 20 hours and he does the work outside the home for 8 hours and call it even.

When I was taking this biz to a new level, it got to the point that I told hubby "This train is leaving the station with or without you .... you just need to decide if you're getting on board or waving bye-bye from the station!" (He got on board.)

Well said, Debi!!!
Couldn't have put it better myself!
I too am well past the small-children-at-home phase, but I have always worked outside the home, "been there" for the children (extra-curricular activities, homework and the like) and still expected to cook, clean, shop and be a bedroom goddess at the end of the day!
Indydebi's tactics are EXACTLY how I got my point across in the end! It took a while, but he got the point!

Thank you, you really gave me some hope in all of this. It's comforting to hear a different/outside perspective. I'll most likely sit down with him tonight to discuss this, b/c it's gotten to that point. I don't think he's being lazy, persay, but he doesn't seem willing to help out at all from 5:00 on, and my day doesn't end until at least midnight (after bathing and putting the kids to bed, cleaning the kitchen and putting dinner away, feeding the animals, etc.). I'll talk to him about everything you suggested as well as how time-consuming beginning a business is. I'm not sure he really understands that aspect of it.
Thank you again for your help.

Danielle, I'm sorry that you are dealing with this! I have a very supportive husband, and I'm forever greatful for that. With that being said, we don't have kids, just the four legged kind, and we both work full time. However, he works shift work, so he's got 15 days a month he doesn't work. I don't get 5 days off in a row unless I take vacation. ha! Anyway - we've had our struggles with house work, etc, and I've gotten to the point that I will do what I want, but he knows he needs to pitch in. It's not my sole responsibility to do the housework, look after the animals and such - like Debi said, this is WE, not ME!

I think you just need to have a heart to heart - you work just as hard at home as he does at work all day, and your day, unfortunately doesn't end at 5pm. You can't leave your "work" behind and close up your desk. I've never understood the man thing, where they act as those they are babysitting their own kids - THEY ARE YOUR KIDS!! Sorry, that just really ticks me off. Hopefully you can come to some understanding and common ground, because your dreams are important too. Tell him if you're succesful enough, he could stay home and be the mom. LOL It's important to have things that make you happy and that you are interested in!

Wow! I posted that last reply before I saw any additional comments! Thank you guys for helping out, and letting me know that I'm not completely wrong in all of this. I'll still have the talk tonight, but I think that's it's going to need a lot of convincing. I'll let you guys know tomorrow how it goes, but for right now, I have to go finish dinner! ho hum... It never ends....

Good Luck!!! Somtimes I know it's hard to get men to understand what we are feeling, no disrespect to men, we are just different creatures who hear, feel and recieve things differently.

It took me a while to express my feelings (which are that of indydebi's) to my husband and also for him to understand and validate them. I was a stay at home mom and since I did not leave the house to work, I did not get a pay-check, and I didn't 'go' home when I was done... it seemed my life was my job. My kids are grown, one still at home but working full time and I am just now thinking about this as a business.. . . I wish you the best of luck with all of it, your husbands uunderstanding and the business success. . . . Who knows, if you are a complete success, your husband my be able to quit work and he can stay home with the kids lol

Hit him where it hurts-----in the wallet. Hire a maid/cook, etc. THEN, leave town for a week (alone!) for whatever emergency. He can do the kid thing. I don't think a lot of men realize just how demanding it is.

If he didn't want the responsibility of kids, then why did he have sex with you?? According to the experts, sex is still the number one cause of pregnancies.

P.S. Lighten your load by making him do his own laundry.

I think you do have the potential of a business...your cakes are lovely.

My suggestion would be....
1. Bake while the kids are napping in the day.
2. Share babysitting with a friend.
3. Work together with your husband about how many cakes
you can realistically take on a week or a month and the
best times to finish up cake projects if they run into the evening.

I realize being a stay at home mom is alot of work, but you are fortunate that your husband is able to have you be with the kids rather than child care and you taking on an outside full time job and then still having both of you figuring the home duties and responsibilities.

I say...be thankful....be supportive of your mate... and work out something that is best for your family.

"To get to the point, he's angry and says that he's tired from work, and doesn't want to have to watch after the kids when he gets home." Nobody should be asking him what he wants. If they are his kids, they are his responsibility too. I know fifty -fifty never happens but child minding when he is home should be his job half the time. Not just to give you a break but also to establish a real relationship with his own children. How is he ever going to really know and love his children if he isn't willing to give them his time and attention-even when he is tired?

I too have small children at home ranging from 2 to 8 yrs old. My husband is pretty supportive, but he also reminds me from time to time that I am choosing to do this hobby and that I don't have to do it. I would be annoyed and was when he would come home and start working on his hobby of model building every day. Being at home isn't always easy and is a lot of work, but we aren't under the stress of working under someone else. A lot of times men need a time to relax when they get home. Even if it is only like 30 minutes. Give him a chance to do that, then have him watch the kids. Also is it possible to have the kids in bed earlier to give you both some breathing time? Our kids have a 7:00 bedtime during the school year. That gives me some me time, whcih is when I bake and I am often up until 2 am or later when working on things, because that is my time to do it. I deal with the lack of sleep. It sucks, but the kids won't be young for long....it just feels that way some days. Oh another thing I just remembered is when my husband went through a jerk phase I told him that if he needed to be away from the kids for awhile after work, that he could just not come home until he was ready to be a parent. If he was home he needed to parent, that made sense to him, so some days he would just sit and chill in the car for a few minutes before he actually came in. Then there were the days when I did't want to be a parent for a minute and would go and sit in the car for awhile after he came home.... I am rambling, so hope it all works out for you. =)

He sounds a bit like my hubby. it's always about them and how tired they are and they need an hour to decompress. This after I have spent the day running around my very temperamental 22 month old girl and looking after my 5 month old son who is racked with reflux. On top of that I need to get through at least 2-3 loads a day (clothes, feeding nappies and now towles to stem the flow of vomit coming up every 4-5 hours thanks to my little prince!!)...

so when I need time out I need to time manage better and organise myself more seriously????

So last week I was blessed enough to get a severe upper respiratory infection (who has time to look after one's self when you have 3 babies, two under 2 and one over 30) that completely knocked me off my feet for 4 days. I couldnt even breathe without being in excruciating pain.

So Dh had to just get over it, take time off work and look after our babies... now I am told I can do as many decorating classes as I want to.. funny about that

being a full time mum is THE hardest job in the world... it never ends and you never get a thank you for your efforts. But you need to communicate and make him understand that it's not just your responisbility. he donated the X or Y to create a life WITH you... you didnt do it alone.

Your husbands name wouldn't happen to be Jon would it??? Just wondering if we are married to the same person.

I'm dealing with the same thing--my DH is even a computer tech, but he runs his own small business and works very hard. He is a wonderful husband when he wants to be but such an all the other times (which is about 90% ) I do love him lots though.

Take care of this now and follow Indy's advice. I was too sweet for too long and now it seems like my hopes and dreams don't matter. Then he yells "what's changed, you use to put up with this"
When he said I couldn't go back to school because I needed to stay home to clean more I signed up that week. When he said don't do culinary like you want to do nursing they make more money. I was accepted into the culinary program. When he said I refuse to pay for your schooling anymore, I was awarded a scholarship to continue for another year. He has banned me from making cakes and I laughed as I turned on the stove. I am a christian girl and care what my husband thinks but I am not someone to be told what to do. He is supportive of me to other people though and brags often to them. In fact he's the reason I have some dessert catering clients who use me and got me my 1st wedding cake order (that's another story he volunteered me to make it for his friend for free as a gift) and my second one.
He may be grouchy to you but supportive otherwise. I just would be honest and lay the cards out on the table with how you feel. (I have 4 small ones too)

I went through this and did what Debbi did.

Honey, this can work. This is what I need to do to be licensed, this is what will happen if I'm not...

2 weeks later he enrolled for online courses to get his Business degree.

He's running the behind the scenes, and I'm the baker/decorator.

The behind the scenes includes all business related financial stuff and daddy/son & daddy/daughter time with the kids when I am decorating. He realizes the stress that goes into the decoratives and thankfully takes charge with the kids.

It took some time for him to come around but he did. Especially once he saw the potential for income and profits.

Okay, I don't have a husband. But, maybe I can give you the perspective from a kids point of view (I'm 22 not really a kid, but yea).

My dad was into construction work (his own business) and would be dog tired when he came home from work everyday, my mom stayed home, was a nurse, and our teacher (we were home-schooled). Yet they both did their fair share from what I could see. Dad would even cook dinner nights mom said she was too tired. He also did a lot of the around the house sort of thing...yard work...cleaning the cars, garage and driving us everywhere.

But he NEVER to my knowledge ever complained about spending time with us. When my younger siblings were babies he did a lot of the bathing, and rocking to bed etc. We all had an unbelievable close relationship with him.

My point here is really that your husband should want to spend time with the kids tired or not...even if that's all he does.

My dad recently passed away, and there are many days I wonder how I would feel if he didn't have a close relationship with us. I wouldn't really know who he was. You know?

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone or is off-topic...just had to put in my two cents.

I don't have any great fix all for your problem but I would like to wish you the best of luck. Marriage is a tricky situation and even more so with little ones. Proceed with caution and speak from your heart. He can only respect that. Love one another enough to get through this. All marriages may not be able to withstand a smackdown type of confrontation. Don't let him walk over you and remind him that you are more than a mom and a wife. You are also a great Cake Decorator!

Angie

I have a suggestion, and only because it works for me.

My husband too, is a computer techie guy, works long long hours. Although his job is not physically tiring, it is mentally draining.

I know it is, we worked together in the same firm before we were married.

Early in our marriage, as soon as he walked through the door, I would hand the kids over to him and say, "They're yours, now it's your turn".

In the last few years, I have found, that if I give him a little time to unwind, (rarely more than 20 minutes) and to make the transition from office to a home mind-set, everybody is so much happier.

He walks in, puts away all his office stuff, showers, gets things ready for the next day...

And then he is all there for us, one hundred per cent.

One good side-effect of my giving him his "alone" time, is that he likes to "potter" around the house, putting things away, as part of his unwinding process.. Good for me! I got a happier husband and a neater house in the bargain.

Karen

They are his kids.... how come when you are with them, it's because it's your job, but if HE is with them, then he's "babysitting"?



I just knew that you would get that in Debi... I hate that men think of it as "babysitting" when it's there children too, not just Mom's..
That bugs the Crap out of me... they are not just "mom's kids... and it's not called babysitting... it's called being a "dad"....

Good Luck....

Thank you guys SO much for all of your advice and your compliments - it's nice to know that I really may have a chance at this. I'm glad to know that there are some of you out there who have been through the same thing, but have managed to make it work anyway. We talked last night, and it's going to require a LOT more talking, but I think we may be on the right track. I do, however, need to slow down on the cakes for a while, at least until we have come to an agreement on how it will work.
Just to clarify - I was really angry at the time I created this post, and may have made it sound like he is a bad father - he is a really great father, when he wants to be. Therein lies the problem. If he feels like he HAS to watch the kids, all breaks loose. So, we're going to continue to talk, and try to work something out (using the advice that you guys gave me, and a little of my own!) I'll have two more cake pics coming up in the next couple weeks, but after that, it'll probably be a while...

Thanks again.

Your husband sounds like my husband. He is the greatest father. My daughter is his best buddy but when he feels like I am ordering him to do something for her or ordering him around period he becomes ornery. Then we have problems. So like a PP, I let him come in, unwind a bit, then I say, sweety, I need to cook and I want to work on baking this cake. Can you keep the baby occupied? That normally works because he doesn't feel like I am forcing him to do a chore. It is easy to order him to take care of the kids, like I would about taking out the trash but it just makes him feel like its a chore. I think the best thing you can do is talk to him logically and calm. That means don't add much emotion because when most men see the emotion they drown you out. GL