Need some advice. I have a wedding that I am catering on June 2nd. Eight months ago the bride and mom made an appointment to start their wedding plans, at that time the brides mother spoke to the grooms mother and told her that they would pick up the entire tab for the wedding. All the proper things have been done with this. The B&G prepared the guest list together, and the invitations have gone out with an RSVP deadline date. The confirmed guests are final. Two weeks ago, the grooms mother called the brides mother and wanted to place an announcement in the paper and church bulletin to invite family and friends of the groom. The brides mother explained to her that the list was compiled weeks ago, invitations out and RSVP's are final. She also explained that there would be no way she could let her caterer know how many more to plan on. She was very clear about this and thought that the Grooms mother got the big picture. Today, I get a panic call from the Brides mother. The grooms mother went ahead and placed the announcement in the paper and church bulletin!!!! The brides mother is stressing big time not knowing how many more to tell me to fix for. She has no problem paying for it but was livid, that this woman ignored her request. She asked me, what should I do. I told her I normally allow extra, but not to the tune of 50 or more people. My thought was for her to call the grooms mother and explain her dilema now, and that she needs to get a head count on the extra people, perhaps she may want to make her responsible for the extra? All the rentals have been ordered, tables, chairs, plates, etc. Just thought I would get some feedback from all you pros out there. I told my client, that the shame of it is, what a way to start off a relationship. I told her she could just suck it up and bump up the count by 50, and pay for it, or confront her with the dilema. What do you guys think?
I think YIKES!!!!
That's really rude and obnoxious and who ever heard of an announcement in a bulletin taking the place of a formal wedding invitation?
I would be livid. It goes completely against wedding etiquette. Holy cow.
I wonder if it's possible for the groom's parents to have a little mini-reception right after the ceremony and then that's it for those people.
I'm not a pro, but I think the people who care the most already got invitations. You probably won't have a lot more from the "open invitation".
I know someone from our church who is using a similar approach in the church bulletin to invite beyond the already sent invitations. I guess they just don't want to leave out someone who really wants to be included. I haven't asked how they're doing the numbers.
One of the exceptions to Debi's 60% Rule is if the family is very involved in their church. If so, they need to plan more than the standard 60%. If this woman (groom's family) is really involved in the church, you may have more show than you think.
I am a pit bull on proper wedding etiquette, and this woman is SO in the wrong!!
From your point of view, you have an order for X-amount of food.... you've been paid for X-amount of food, and that's what you are bringing. Unless you get a revised order, this dilemna is not really your issue. Although as I tell brides, "If you don't plan properly and we run out of food, no one will ever say 'gosh they didn't plan very well, did they?'. No, everyone will say the CATERER didn't provide enough food." So you're definitely caught in the middle on this one.
If I was the mother of the bride, I would tell the groom's mother she is responsible for the last minute changes that SHE has made. The bride's mother had everything taken care of and everything was fine until the groom's mom threw this wrench in the wheel. How nervy of her to just invite a bunch of people last minute and expect someone else to pay for it!
I could go on for days on this one! 
weddings are very expensive ventures. that is why there is so much planning involved to know how many to cater for and such delights.
the lady who went ahead with the announcement and stuff should pay for the extra people. since she was aware that there was originally a list of invited guests.
the lady should pay for the additional people i think.
My first though is WOW.. what a rude and inconsiderate thing to do. If there were people not on the original invite list that should have been then they should have sent them an invitation. I mean if the B&G put the list together then it has to be all the people they wanted to invite. What gall to just assume it'd be okay even after she was told it was NOT. I would tell the bride's mother that it is in her court though.. either she orders more food or she doesn't.. either way she needs to sit down with the groom's mom and figure out just how many people this open invite is going to generate. But wow... so rude. Some people have no tact.
Perhaps the announcement that the Groom's mother placed in the paper and church bullitin was for the wedding only, not the reception. I see that in our church bulletin quite often.
Here in NC, our church does that alot and I have oftened wondered how they plan for that. My MIL tried to do that and I told her we would have no way of knowing how many people to plan for. People will come if there is free food involved.
Before I tell my story keep in mind this was all free.
Doing a Baby Shower I agreed to do cookie favors and the cake.
I asked my friend how many guess they were having she said she didn't know because the Groom's Mother invited the whole church. And she doesn't know who is coming. I told her I need a number so she said 125.
Cookies have never been my thing but I made them and covered them with the star tip. This took much longer but I just didn't know how to flood. They were bagged with ribbon, 125.
The cake, let's just say it was huge.
60 people showed up and 2/3 of them didn't care about the cookie favors and just left them. We had boxes of cookies to give away.
I was so po'd. How can you not provide a number of attending? If your going to post a bulletin then you should add if you plan on attending please respond, bla, bla, bla. And then do it before the final count is needed.
When I wrote a newspaper column on how to plan weddings, I did one column with things that affect headcount:
1) Time of year .... Spring has the highest show-rate because people are dying to get out of the house after being cooped up all winter. Also a good excuse to buy a new spring outfit.
2) Holidays and peak vacation time ..... will result in a lower show-rate as people are on vacation and have family plans
3) The economy .... if a factory in your town has had a major shutdown, a lot of people will not go to a wedding because they don't have the money to buy a gift. And many of the older generation deem it inappropriate to show up at a wedding empty handed.
4) And the most radical idea that most couples never ever consider .... the bride and groom are NEVER as popular as they think they are (or as popular as their MOTHER thinks they are!).
So as far as getting a realistic headcount? Forget RSVP's because people are rude and stupid and have no idea what to do with these. All of these reasons is why I came up with my 60% Rule that has worked for 20 years.
The key, though is not issuing a blanket invitation to a "big bunch" of people with no idea how many are actually invited and no idea of how many will actually show up. At the last minute. After the deadlines. After you have been told "no".
(The groom's mom is still wrong, BTW!) 
I told her she could just suck it up and bump up the count by 50
For the sake of your sanity, I think this is best and I hope the bride's mom agrees to it and pays. The last thing you want is to bring the groom's mom into any part of this process.
If the bride's mom won't do this, then your contract is the thing that backs you up, regardless of what people say about whether or not you provided enough food.
This is a wedding. Weddings are high drama. Things happen. You simply cannot control everything.
What you told the bride's mom sounds very even-handed and professional, so I think however you decide to handle the situation it will be for the best and things will turn out just fine.
Good luck!
That is pretty common here. I see it in the paper a lot. This was actually how my wedding was ten years ago, and how my SIL's wedding was last month. We are very involved in our church so the turn out rate was pretty high. The way we got a count estimate was count the # of invitations we sent and then go down the list of communtiy and church people we thought would attend. This is usually done for a buffet style wedding. I can't see how this would be possible with a sit down dinner.
I am doing a wedding cake for someone at my church, and thankfully the family put a sign up sheet in the front. So the invite asked them to sign up if they are attending. But like selahmycat said, maybe it is just an invite to the wedding, not the reception.
I've heard of an open invitation before. And in my family that means you are invited to the reception as well.....
When I was growing up, the "reception following" line on invitations was unnecessary. If you got a wedding invitation, then that meant wedding, cake, food. Reception following? Duh!! 
Then when the reception card started showing up, pretty much everyone's reaction was "well la de dah! Look how fancy THEY got!" Wedding? Reception.
Invitation sent to Mr. and Mrs. Jones with the enclosed envelope address only to Tom and Mary? .... well OBVIOUSLY that meant their 7 kids, too!
But when I grew up and realized just how improper everything was, that's when I became a pit bull on proper etiquette. It costs you nothing to do things properly. As the host/hostess AND as a guest.
(I TOLD you I could go on for days about this!) 
4) And the most radical idea that most couples never ever consider .... the bride and groom are NEVER as popular as they think they are (or as popular as their MOTHER thinks they are!).
When my husband's cousin got married several years ago the groom's mother swore up and down that you had to MULTIPLY the guest list by like 4 or something. So according to her they were going to have 800 guests at the wedding (people around here generally don't have RSVP). My MIL was so funny because she was trying to figure this out, she'd always heard that you should figure about half.
Of course they had about 50-75 people there and it was a good thing because they'd had family bringing food and there was barely enough to go around.
About the announcement in the paper, it's pretty common around here. Not everyone does it but you see them off and on, it's a little more common to see open shower announcements in the paper.
That is the most obnoxious thing I've ever heard. I'd advise the MOB that you'd be happy to prepare a separate bill for her to present to the MOG, but that you'll require up-front payment for the additional work. (In other words you'll back her up for reimbursement purposes, but not lay your own profit on the line.)
I emailed this topic to my instructor at Weddings Beautiful and here is her responce:
My thought was for her to call the grooms mother and explain her dilemma now, and that she needs to get a head count on the extra people,(tell her there wont be a place for them to sit or a plate for them to eat from without this info) perhaps she may want to make her responsible for the extra? This is a horrible way to start a family relationshipobviously the mother of the groom has no clue what the repercussions are and possibly doesnt care
Regards,
Nancy Tucker, President
Weddings Beautiful Worldwide
1004 North Thompson St. Suite 205
Richmond, Va. 23230
My MIL did this for my wedding (without my consent) They are very involved in there church. That being said, those that they were close to in the congregation had already been on our invite list and got a personal invitation. The announcement was more just a welcome to anyone they may have forgotten and just a "courtesty" she said. A few older people came but it was just a handful. I know if I didn't get a personal invite, I would never just show up. Hopefully these guests feel the same.
Could you have a sheet cake in the back just incase you need extra servings?
I can't imagine having a sign-up sheet for announcement for a wedding.
It doesn't make sense to me. IF you wanted to invite everyone you know in a church, then why wouldn't you just send them invites.
Oh yeah, the addressing and the kids thing made me crazy, too.
Ok beat me up, but that is insane. You just throw our an invitation to anyone/everyone?
I guess because I've never heard of this it seems so odd. Things change and people get use to the change.
I am from the old school and I would never dream of attending a wedding without a gift and in the right amount.
My daughter and son both had people come and give nothing or $10 or $15. My daughter had one that put a cancel on her check. You may think me bad of me but if these people went out to eat they would have to pay. If someone lost their job or if it's a college kid and other cases may be an exception.
My daughter's in-laws wait until after the receiption and write a check on how good the meal was.
RSVP is a joke. People are just rude, rude, rude.
I have a large party three times a year Mardi Gras, Summer and Halloween. I went so far as to include response cards with the invitations to the Halloween party. They had stamps on them. Didn't do any good.
It drives me insane trying to know how much to cook for and how to stock the bar. Everytime we overbuy because we are afraid of not having enough.
Want a beer? I have a refregerator downstairs half full from the Mardi Gras party.
The older I get the more I'm starting to dislike the human race. And, indy don't even get me started on kids. There are people that will actually tell you if their kids are not invited they are not coming - what?
Ok, real quick a little off the subject. When my children had BD party's there were Moms that would drop the invited child off with siblings. The next year I would write on the invitaion please, no siblings. I got calls from Mom saying if the child could not bring their sibling they could not come. I would just respond "sorry, they are going to miss the party".
Oh yea, dump all your kids off so you can go off shopping, I don't think so.
Ok beat me up, but that is insane. You just throw our an invitation to anyone/everyone?
I guess because I've never heard of this it seems so odd. Things change and people get use to the change.
I don't think general invites are a new thing around here, part of it probably depends on what part of the country you're from.
We're on a reservation and things are done differently here. People would honestly be appalled if their kids weren't invited but part of it's the culture. Of course you also see wedding guests walking in with the turkeys and bangs they were asked to bring.
Putting a wedding announcement in the paper and saying "all friends and family are invited" is common practice in the rural area where I live. I don't like it because I feel like they would send me an invitation if they really wanted me there. I think many people do this because they cannot afford the invitations and postage. I never attend a wedding without a written invitation or a verbal invitation.
Also, if I receive an invitation to the wedding, I assume I am also invited to the reception. To me, inviting someone to the wedding and not the reception would be very rude. I always assume that they go hand in hand. I have, though, been invited to a reception and not the wedding when someone has an "immediate family only" wedding.
My nephew was married last fall and his invitations clearly stated "no children" and my daughter refused to go. Said if her children weren't welcome then she wasn't going. Said weddings are for family. I told her weddings are for the bride and groom. Their wedding and reception cost over $40,000 and had an open bar (and lots of fraternity and sorority members) so I understood them not wanting children. 
This MOG needs to be put in her place especially since she was told not to put the announcement in the bulletin. I agree. What a way to start a marriage! I'd be careful of Christmas Dinner--no telling who they'll invite.
Diane
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