you got this --

best of the best of the best to you and yours

AI just read this...and really have nothing to add. I'm not sure how religious you are, so I don't mean to offend..but I am praying for restoration and healing of your relationship with your brother. Broken relationships are so incredibly difficult, and you have valid reasons for your boundaries.

My sincere hope that one day, you abd your brother can experience a wonderfully solid relationship ❤️

All the best with it.

For me, I'd just go about my daily life not worrying about it and when they made a move, I'd respond in whatever way that made me feel OK with it.  I'm very comfortable allowing people to live with the results of THEIR actions and decisions.

If it came to the 11th hour, well, I live by the motto that your emergency will not become my crisis, so they'd get an explanation and not a cake--I wouldn't let them tell others that I'd screwed up and went and bought a cake at WalMart and I wouldn't allow anything but my best work to be displayed.

Best of luck to you. Keep your boundaries and proceed with caution.   I agree with maybenot,  and since you've been caking a long time, your brother should be well aware of the time and effort involved in putting together a great cake.  So if he and his wife can't get back to you with an appropriate amount of time to make this cake, I wouldn't do it.   I have time limits for all my customers, they don't follow them, I don't chase them, they get no cake, I'm very clear with people about that.  But I chase no one and won't be rushed or pressured into anything.  I don't care what the occasion is, their lack of common courtesy and respect for my work, is not my problem.

I hope everything goes well, and I hope you are given the respect you deserve.

Much love.

I'm glad you were able to come to a decision that you feel comfortable with.

Given that your brother and his wife don't seem to have it all together I am going to suggest you give them one message with a cut off date that says you are willing to make the cake but all details need to be worked out by (insert date here). 

I'm betting they have no idea they can't just message you the week before the wedding with what they want. They're not going to understand why you won't do it.  It's going to save a lot of aggravation for everybody (especially you) if you at least give them a warning.  If they ignore it, it's their problem.

Hello Lunawhisper 0013,

I am with you about your brother's wife. If she had any manners she would have tried to at least be nice and say more to you than "we want this kind of cake. blah blah and so on all about the cake but ignoring your feelings. She has got to know that you and your brother have not been on speaking terms for a while. Seems like she would try to befriend you and try to do whatever it took to get you back together with your brother, her husband. Oh well, some people only care about what they need or want and do not care about other's feelings. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how you feel and I will be praying for you.  Hang in there. 

Turn it around.  If you asked your brother for a favor right now, what would his reaction be.  Yes, that's what I thought.  You're clearly being used.  He's trying to impress his girlfriend with his sister's talents.  You will put all that work into it and then be disappointed when you receive an invitation without your boyfriends name on it.  Send him an estimated price and watch him dissolve into the woodwork.

    Well, after not a word from my brother since October, he has finally contacted me to discuss the wedding cake for May. He wants to meet up with me on Sunday to discuss the details. I told him I didn't know what my schedule was like (but I know I don't have any plans). The more I think about the situation, the angrier I get. He has actively stirred the pot, as it were, with the drama between my boyfriend and his ex and now wants to have a friendly chat about a free cake.

     Our grandmother passed away recently and he didn't even bother to contact the family to give condolences or anything. I flew over to be with her before she passed l but didn't even tell him I was there, just that she was in hospice care and dying and I contacted him again after she passed. The ball was in his court and he did nothing.  

    I am so torn, very hurt and not sure whether to just deal with the inevitable drama of making the cake (especially since my boyfriend's ex is a bride's maid who would just as soon gouge out my eyes -metaphorically- when in the same room. He is more loyal in his friendship to her than to me. Do I brave the headache or just tell him he needs to get his cake elsewhere? I still haven't been invited to the wedding as yet by the way. 

This is what bothers me here - your brother judged and convicted you and sided with some woman friend against his sister!! That's BS!! Families may not approve of things we do, but we stick together. My sister did some things to her ex-husband that I was very upset about, but I never would have sided with him and not talked to her - she is my sister, for better or worse. Now that they are divorced, I never even see or talk to him. Everyone does seem to be giving your brother a free pass for judging you and siding with someone outside the family. 

It does sound like they just want a free cake. Shame on both of them if that is true (and I didn't read the whole thread.) I think if he wants a cake, he needs to come over and tell you why he shunned you for two years. Or her can buy his own darn cake. It is up to him to apologize for judging and convicting you in his own court of law. 

Best to you, I know this hurts. Family stuff can really be painful. 

Why does "family" get a free pass to act like smucks to you?

I dumped a whole lot of "users" in my family and am MUCH happier without them, Make the unappreciative smucks a free cake? NO WAY!

which way creates less angst/stress for you and then you have to measure long term / short term

I wouldn't make the cake at this point.  There is way too much anger and hurt that needs to be dealt with first.  Making the cake at this point  would create more hard feelings.

I would tell him I am already booked up for May, as most people order Wedding cakes months in advance, not 6-8 weeks  before the date.  I would wish him well, and leave it at that.

I see it as as fantastic opportunity to get a great deal for his benefit. If he truly were interested in building a relationship with you, he'd set aside time to talk with you and mend fences. Not ask you  to dedicate 3-5 days (or however much time it'll take you) and not even try to have an active relationship with you. You don't mend relationships thru cake.  You mend thru humbleness, communication, honesty and forgiveness. I'd send a gift.  

Forgiveness should be granted when it's requested.  He's not requesting that he's not even requesting cake, he and his rude wife expect it.  Why do they act this way?  Because it's been working for them.  Unless he can have a grown up sit down honest talk with you or at least hear you out about how hurt you were for him to choose some random friend over you and the years of rejection afterwards I don't see you coming out the other side better.

I think you are seeing a trend here with the replies! Here's one more:

Taking the high road doesn't mean you are someone's doormat.  You should be treated with respect and value because you deserve it.  You're not 5 years old and someone needs to tell you what to do.  You do it because you want to and in the end it will make you feel good about yourself.  If you're going to feel crappy, angry or used afterward why do it?

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother.  Usually a family member's passing brings people back together.  He couldn't even do that.  Sorry but your brother and his soon to be are showing themselves to be concerned only about themselves.  You are not going to 'fix them' by making the cake.  They will only continue to ask for more without gratitude or reconciliation.

In the end, it's not what any of us say although clearly we support you. 

Best,

T

I haven't read the entire thread but here is my opinion...he wants a free cake. This is not an olive branch, because otherwise he would have started the conversation with an apology or "let's go for coffee and you can meet my girlfriend/wife". 

If you don't want to create more family drama you could ask him "what is your budget" this way he understands that it is not free.

Or you could ask to meet the couple for coffee so that at least you get to know her before the reception. 

Or you could say that you are booked and after 6 months of not hearing from them you didn't think they still needed your help and booked another wedding.

Or say that at this time, because you have other orders, you can only make a simple cake (and YOU tell them what that means).

But I should add that If you decide to make a cake, it will probably end with more drama. At first he will be pleased and you will avoid family drama but he/she will find a way to complain or cancel at the last minute or something like that and then you will be upset at them but mostly at yourself.

I agree with what MKC said! 

I'm with @maybenot  100% on this. I also have a BA and MA in psychology, and it amazes me with how much people let family members get away with for the sake of...what, I don't know. If this was someone who you knew from school but who hadn't talked to you for two years you wouldn't think twice about saying no to a free cake. I understand that history is a powerful tool of guilt, but you don't have to allow ytourself ot be used. that's exactly what's happening here.

 Whether your brother has mental issues that he refuses to address or not, you are not required  to support someone else's pathology. From everything you've said, even though it's been laced with guilty "but what ifs", you don't want to do the cake and you'll resent it if you do. They were married without bothering to tell you, and now they want a free cake for a dress-up party that they haven't even bothered to invite you to. Your boyfriend is being generous when he says that he'll support your decision, but it looks like he has a good idea about not being involved in the situation himself. Take a cue from him and GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to say that you're not comfortable doing the cake. Talking about forgiveness is fine, but you need to forgive yourself for the things that you feel responsible for regarding him. You're not responsible for him.

Well, here is an update to all this...

     I decided (being in the cake business and knowing about the time requirements for ordering a wedding cake) that I would not put off meeting my brother and his wife tomorrow. 

     I invited them both to a really nice restaurant for lunch and figure that I will use the dining time as a chance to feel out the situation and them. I will discuss the details of the cake and then give my terms....or maybe I should give terms before discussing the cake....hmmm...

     I will require an "at cost" payment at the very least but it will not be free. It will need to be paid in advance and, if my boyfriend's ex causes too much drama, I will have to decline doing the cake and will refund everything not already spent plus give whatever supplies I have spent. 

     He needs to be a neutral party and refrain from taking a side(because clearly it won't be mine) or take part in slamming my reputation while we are doing business,and business it is....

     If he can't agree to that then I can't make his cake and he will need to get it elsewhere. If he weren't family, I wouldn't even hesitate to say no but I'm afraid I am more loyal to him than he is to me. I will be armed with my sketch pad and cake tasting samples and that's all I can do. We will see what happens.

thanks for update.  Your professional attitude will carry the day and I wish you well.

If you are comfortable with your decision, then it is the right one.   Good to hear it won't be a free cake.

Hope it goes well and you have tons of support here!

Much Love

I have a warped sense of humor...........................but how much you wanna bet she gets stuck paying for the lunch tab...........?????????

 Yeah, they'll storm out when they realize the cake won't be free. Don't let them guilt you into doing it anyway! Good luck and let us know how you did.

i like your plan -- it sounds very you -- praying for you!

so how did it go? you ok?

Sorry for the late update. It has been a long week.

     So, I met my brother and his wife at the restaurant and they both seemed a little peeved that I wanted to meet in such an expensive place, talking softly to each other about what they could actually afford. When I explained that I was paying for the meal, they cheered right up however. we ate and had semi awkward conversation until the meal ended and it was time to talk business.

     I got out my plate of cake samples, which they were not expecting, and they happily sampled the cakes, discussing which they liked best (the conversation was a bit easier at this point because this was the neutral ground we where there to discuss.  She showed me pics of what she wanted and I made suggestions and came up with a sketch that she liked, then we got into the hard stuff...

     I told them that I didn't like how I had been treated over the last couple years and that for that reason, I would have to do the cake at cost and not for free.  (They both sheepishly agreed) I said that if there was a problem with how I chose to conduct my life that they needed to say it now but if they couldn't deal with it that I was not the one who should be making their cake. I said that we are all adults here and, beyond that, we are family and if he wasn't family, I wouldn't be doing the cake at all. (my brother looked down at the table and said he understood)

     I told him that I didn't care if he and my boyfriend's ex are friends or if he listens to her rant about me because she has the right to feel how she does but that I needed him to be a neutral party and not be actively involved in trash talking me or doing anything to further her need for revenge on a relationship that ended almost 3 years ago. I told him that I have no interest in drama and that if I feel there is too much drama surrounding this cake that I would have to back out and I would give him the money I haven't spent and whatever supplies I bought back. (They both agreed and the wife said that when the ex tries to rant she usually gets shut down and the wife put her foot down that they were getting a cake from me and she needed to deal with it....not sure how much of that I believe but as they mentioned a tight budget several times, I think they just want to throw up a flag of truce  for a cheap cake and so will bring the ex to heel for a time)

     Once all that was agreed to, I said that I needed the amount ($140) in full before I would do anything at all with the cake. (I am actually meeting my brother today for the payment)I told them that if they were getting this cake at the shop that they would be paying around $800 for it including the cake stand. (They said that was about what they figured, which tells me that they researched other options before crawling to me) I asked about the venue and time and they said that they got a place in Hurst (about 20 minutes away) and the venue cost $300 (actually$100 with a $200 deposit) I looked at him incredulously and asked if the venue was the back alley of some deli or something that the owner agreed to rent out as long as you sweep up when you're done...jeez...(it's some event room or other. I wrote it down but can't remember the name) Delivery is between 8-9am and the wedding (which I still haven't been invited to, but wouldn't go to anyway so there's not much of a point pressing for an invitation) is at 10am,

     The fiance said she had to go to meet her mother and sister about her bridal shower and left. My brother and I talked (well, I mostly talked and he looked down at the table) about me going to New York to visit our grandmother before she died and about the funeral, He said he would have had a hard time being there and I said he really should make more of an effort to be involved in the family and I didn't just mean me, He seemed to be a lot more interested when  was talking about the inheritance our grandmother left for us though. (still looking down at the table but the body tension changed and the eyes were fixed in concentration) I explained that our grandmother had an insurance policy for which my brother and I were sole beneficiaries. I don't know what that means in terms of dollar amount but we will both be getting something once the paperwork is settled (All he said was "I see.")

     I paid the check and we left, him saying that he would get me the money within a week. When I got home, there was a facebook invite for me to go to the wife's bridal shower (which was already in progress).  Not sure how I feel about that. At least she is trying for the social niceties but it was clearly either an afterthought or a deliberate delay so it could be said that I was invited but just didn't want to go. If she was really interested in my going, she could have invited me while we were at the restaurant or even mention that it was the actual bridal shower and not just a "discussion" about the shower that she was meeting her mom and sister for. I've also been invited to the bachelorette party (which the ex is also invited to, so that is another hell no...)  I really think this is a calculation to "invite" me to things that she knows will be a problem so I won't go.

     Well, I suppose this is a course of action that I can live with, The cake is all buttercream icing with ribbon, lace and jewels so it will only take me about 4 hours to decorate. With the supplies I already have, I will actually make a little bit of money off of it anyway and, if I don't receive an invitation at any point, I've got plenty of ammunition if he ever wants anything else. I am going to tell him today that I need the ex to stay away from me while I'm setting up the cake. If not, I will have to leave and take the cake with me and they get nothing. I don't need to be stacking a cake while the ex glares at me from across the room.