Looking For Advice On A Friendship..

Lounge By tarttokig Updated 14 Aug 2013 , 4:19pm by BatterUpCake

tarttokig Posted 13 Aug 2013 , 11:01pm
post #1 of 19

AHi guys, I know this has nothing to do with cake decorating but right know I just can't find anyone to talk to, so I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice.. I have this friend who I've known for three years now. Recently I've started to feel that all she does is making me feel unhappy about myself. I'm normally proud of myself but each time we're together she says and does things that makes me sad. She complains about things I do, questions me and my hobbies and makes me feel inadequate.. But we do have a great time together otherwise. Right now I feel like I don't want to be her friend since I don't feel good when I'm with her, but since we have a lot of mutual friends; that's not possible.. The one time we actually argued, she started crying because she thought I didn't like her, just because I was trying to explain to her my side if the story... Do you think I should talk to her about this? Or just try to ignore her comments when I meet her through friends?

Thanks

18 replies
holalola Posted 13 Aug 2013 , 11:52pm
post #2 of 19

Hi  Dear to me is very simple.  She is not your friend. Stop talking to her. someone who is always questioning what you do and why you do it cant be your friend.  A true friend to me is the one that  supports and accept you the way you are.   Sometimes is better to keep your distance from people that hurts you or just make you feel uncomfortable.  Take control, ignoring the issue won't make better and it won't go away.  Just think what your advice would  be if your son or daughter were to be in the same situation you are in? 

MimiFix Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 12:18am
post #3 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by tarttokig 

I have this friend who I've known for three years now. ...each time we're together she says and does things that makes me sad. She complains about things I do, questions me and my hobbies and makes me feel inadequate.

If you want to feel sad, eat a whole cake all by yourself in one evening. When you recover, ask yourself if you ever want to do that again. Life is too short to be spending time doing those sorts of things. Someone who makes you feel bad doesn't fit the definition of friend.

BatterUpCake Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 12:29am
post #4 of 19

I can eat a whole apple pie when I'm sad..or happy...or indifferent

kikiandkyle Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 1:08am
post #5 of 19

AYou have two choices - confront her or step away.

It can be a simple "I'm sure you don't mean it, but sometimes your comments are quite hurtful, did you really mean xxx to come across as such a criticism or did I misinterpret?" If things don't change she will at least know why you're stepping away from her. She might not really mean the things she says in the way she says them but you'd never know if you didn't ask.

Or just start distancing yourself from her altogether, stop giving her opportunities to cut you down, and just be civil when around common friends.

I had certain friends when I was younger that would be great fun to go out with but weren't really nice people. Eventually you start to realize that they'll never be as good a friend as you deserve and you have to just walk away.

DeliciousDesserts Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 1:40am
post #6 of 19

AThe next time she does it, respond differently. I'm guessing you laugh or shrug it off.

Next time, touch her arm or otherwise make sure you have her attention. Look her right in the eye. With the look of pain on your face, say "that's really hurtful."

Make her aware of how you really feel. It hurts.

Elcee Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 1:50am
post #7 of 19

If you don't feel comfortable with a direct confrontation of the whole picture, you could comment each time she does it. This allows you to help change her behavior in small, manageable bursts and it allows you to be very specific with her. In a big sit-down kind of talk, it's easy to forget specific instances and end up saying things like "you always make me feel bad" and gives her the opportunity to say "you take things the wrong way", "that's not what I meant", etc.

 

Her: Cake decorating is a ridiculous waste of time. All that work just to get eaten.

You: Why are you saying that something important to me and something I'm good at is ridiculous?

 

Her: Anyone who voted for {insert name here} is an idiot.

You: Why are you belittling me for having a different opinion than yours?

 

It really does sound like she's unhappy with her own life and makes herself feel better by making her friends feel badly.

daryll Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 3:18am
post #8 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by BatterUpCake 

I can eat a whole apple pie when I'm sad..or happy...or indifferent

 

...or want pie..

Annabakescakes Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 3:30am
post #9 of 19

AI also think part of being a friend is telling hard truths. Not that everything she says is true, or any if it, but sometimes just sometimes, the truth hurts! When you see a group of girls and one looks really bad in her outfit, I automatically think "Those girls are not her friends or she would have never left the house looking like that!" This may not apply to this, but being a friend isn't all happy happy joy joy.

Sometimes you have to hurt people you love to no longer participate in their insanity. Not that I'm saying that is what she is doing. Just saying!

daryll Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 4:10am
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annabakescakes 

I also think part of being a friend is telling hard truths. Not that everything she says is true, or any if it, but sometimes just sometimes, the truth hurts! When you see a group of girls and one looks really bad in her outfit, I automatically think "Those girls are not her friends or she would have never left the house looking like that!" This may not apply to this, but being a friend isn't all happy happy joy joy.

Sometimes you have to hurt people you love to no longer participate in their insanity. Not that I'm saying that is what she is doing. Just saying!

 

Anna - I do that too! My friend and I look at each other and say "I would have never let you leave the house looking like that!"

Annabakescakes Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 4:22am
post #11 of 19

A

Original message sent by daryll

[QUOTE name="Annabakescakes" url="/t/762322/looking-for-advice-on-a-friendship#post_7429902"] I also think part of being a friend is telling hard truths. Not that everything she says is true, or any if it, but sometimes just sometimes, the truth hurts! When you see a group of girls and one looks really bad in her outfit, I automatically think "Those girls are not her friends or she would have never left the house looking like that!" This may not apply to this, but being a friend isn't all happy happy joy joy.

Sometimes you have to hurt people you love to no longer participate in their insanity. Not that I'm saying that is what she is doing. Just saying![/QUOTE]

Anna - I do that too! My friend and I look at each other and say "I would have never let you leave the house looking like that!"

That's a friend! My mom and I do that too! But we both have big bottoms so we try to laugh about it! I have told her that her butt looks like 2 pigs fighting under a floral print sack, after she told me mine looked like a dump truck! We just laugh and eat another buttermilk biscuit, haha!

I breath check my kids and husband all the time, too. We laugh our butts while I make up inventive and horrible descriptions to get them to brush more often :-)

IAmPamCakes Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 4:32am
post #12 of 19

AI had a long time friend who was destructive to herself and all around her. She always tried to drag everybody into her problems and make them tell her that her bad decisions were right (like spending $1200 of an inheritance on a new dog instead of paying your mortgage that you are 4 months behind on). I didn't care for the environment she created, so I started coming by less & less until a couple years went by and we hadn't seen each other at all. She would have never heard anything I would have needed to say to her to make our relationship better. But, if I could have told her the things I needed to and they would've made a difference, I would have. We were friends since high school and we had a lot of fun. I miss her still, but I know she is no good in my life. So, if your friend is a good friend who will listen, talk to her. Maybe little bits are better than all at once. If she won't listen, distance yourself slowly so there aren't too many hurt feelings later.

Or she just needs to grow up, put on her big girl panties, and shut her mouth before someone knocks her out because of it.

Annabakescakes Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 5:01am
post #13 of 19

AHahaha! There is that, too, Pam! I love it!

MBalaska Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 6:43am
post #14 of 19

tarttokig:  "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt  1937

You will decide where to place your own boundaries, as to what you are willing to accept from others.

You will decide how you will teach people to treat you.

When something that you are engaged in is hurting you, stop doing it. You decide exactly what action is hurting you, and calculate what is needed to make it cease.

 

As you solve your life's problems with your own intelligence and reasoning, you'll gain composure, self confidence, and a greater capacity to avoid some of the difficulty as life goes on. 

 

You cannot and will not change someone else.  You only have the ability to change your own thinking, talking, and acting.  Develop the willingness in yourself to make a better plan.

tarttokig Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 8:01am
post #15 of 19

AA huge thank you to you all, for taking the time to answer. You are all so insightfull too... I want to print these answers because they were so spot on! Thank you! I think you are all right: I realize not all of the "mean" things she says are unjustified, I of course have flaws.. I didn't consider that earlier, so thank you for reminding me. And I guess you are right that the relationship we have now is no good for either if us.. You are right in that I have to distance myself or talk to her, going on like we are now is just silly, I don't think any if us like it.. You really made me feel better, so thanks again!

paperlace1 Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 3:14pm
post #16 of 19

Oh my this sounds close to home - I have the same problem - I have not known this person long. we met at a sugar craft class so we have quite a bit in common.

 

but every time we part i end up gossiping about her to my OH and another close friend. I feel so two faced and guilty.icon_redface.gif

 

It did not help that she invited me to her wedding and then removed the invitation when she realized i would need special provision because the venue was really difficult for a wheelchair user. thumbsdown.gif  she makes me feel like a hypocrite.

 

I don't really know her well enough to anticipate  her reaction if i were to challenge her face to face. she has made a few comments in emails that i have challenged but she has not given any explanation so i just didn't ask again.

 

I made her a lace ring pillow for her wedding and that has now been delivered. so  i think i have decided just to loose contact. Now that i am not in a classroom with her once a week  we are not likley to "bump into eachother"

 

 I am sure she wont miss me if she could not be asked to accomodate me at her wedding why should she bother to make contact.

 

I feel bad about this too because i don't have a lot of friends as my disability prevents me from interacting with so many people because of access issues. I have made and lost so many friends because they can't get around the fact that a wheelchair complicates your life somewhat. 

BatterUpCake Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 3:28pm
post #17 of 19

No one can "make" you feel like anything. Only you can allow that. And gossiping about her probably doesn't help the relationship. What has SHE done wrong? Maybe she really uninvited you because you were talking about her behind her back.

paperlace1 Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 4:07pm
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by BatterUpCake 

No one can "make" you feel like anything. Only you can allow that. And gossiping about her probably doesn't help the relationship. What has SHE done wrong? Maybe she really uninvited you because you were talking about her behind her back.

ouch!icon_redface.gif thank you for putting me in my place - you know what you are probably right- but retelling on here would just make me guilty of the same offence.  

BatterUpCake Posted 14 Aug 2013 , 4:19pm
post #19 of 19

lol...sorry. I don't know the whole story so I can only form an opinion from the info given. I need to be "put inmy place" from time to time...

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