cakelover613 Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 6:22pm
post #1 of

Hello everyone,

 

So my niece has requested a special cake from me. A cake that I am at a loss as to how to even start or what to do about it.

 

Last January she had her 3rd child, a beautiful baby girl, Peyton. In April SIDS claimed Peyton's life. She was 3 months old to the day. It has been a huge struggle for my niece. They literally spent the entire summer at the cemetery. It was only when the cold came that the cemetery visits became less frequent. I can't imagine I would have done this any different, but the thought breaks my heart. The loss of her baby broke her in a way I can not even begin to imagine or understand. January 2nd marks what would have been Peyton's 1st birthday. My niece has decided she wants to have a birthday celebration for her, and has asked me to do a cake. She asked me to come up with some ideas. I asked what she's thinking she'd like, but she doesn't really have any input. I'm not sure if anyone else has experience with anything like this, but is it appropriate to go all out and make a girlie cake as I would as if she'd never passed away, or do I go with some type of angel theme, if I do so will it just bring back bad memories(not that she COULD forget..) on a day that she wants to celebrate her daughter's life or will it be touching? Since I am alone in the decision for what to do at this point, I am lost. I do not want to offend, or make the day harder than it will already be. Thoughts?

 

 

Aime

35 replies
sourcherriex Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 6:55pm
post #2 of

First of all, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I think celebrating the birthday at all is very touching. You could do a combination of those ideas. Maybe you could do an angel theme but make it light-hearted and girly. If it were me, I would want to focus more on celebration than sadness. I think your niece would want to have happy thoughts and memories about her baby, and by combining both ideas it's like presenting that Peyton's in a better place and not in any pain. I'm sure whatever you decide will be lovely and your niece will love that you put the time and effort into remembering her baby girl. :)

hbquikcomjamesl Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 6:59pm
post #3 of

Have you asked your niece what she has in mind? That would seem to me to be the first step.

 

The only thing that comes to my mind is this quote, from a song I was introduced to in first- or second-semester piano, at the local junior college.

Quote:
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
--Eric Clapton, "Tears in Heaven"
cakelover613 Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 7:07pm
post #4 of

I have asked her. She keeps saying "I don't really know" and "What sounds good to you?" What sounds good to me is making a girlie cake, one with bright colors and happy things. But having seen her get angered over things that seemed harmless(not saying she was wrong, but as someone who has not lost a child this is why this cake is making me concerned about what I should do, I can't possibly understand her position and how she is feeling, and what's appropriate in this situation), I do not want to set her off. Especially this day of all days.
 

cakelover613 Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 7:11pm
post #5 of
Quote:
Originally Posted by sourcherriex 

First of all, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I think celebrating the birthday at all is very touching. You could do a combination of those ideas. Maybe you could do an angel theme but make it light-hearted and girly. If it were me, I would want to focus more on celebration than sadness. I think your niece would want to have happy thoughts and memories about her baby, and by combining both ideas it's like presenting that Peyton's in a better place and not in any pain. I'm sure whatever you decide will be lovely and your niece will love that you put the time and effort into remembering her baby girl. :)


Thank you for your condolences. It's just one of those things you don't think will ever happen in your family I guess. But it has made us all realize life is far too short, and we have made a point to get together more often and be there for each other more often. It's sad it took this to make that happen, but seems that is the way it goes sometimes.. Mothers should not have to bury their babies.

BakingIrene Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 7:45pm
post #6 of

I think a white iced sheet cake with white outlines or flat figures of angels, and the simple words "Remember Peyton" in light pink in the middle. Maybe TINY drop flowers on the sides and bottom, on top of a shell border.

 

The idea would be to remember the girl who did live for 3 months, but not to make it look too much like a birthday cake for a living child.

Relznik Posted 27 Dec 2012 , 9:32pm
post #7 of

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your great niece.

 

The link below was a cake under the exact same circumstances.  My friend lost her baby when she was only 18 days old.  She wanted to mark her first birthday with a cake, so this is what I made for her...  no words except the name.    It's pretty, but slightly understated (compared to many 1st birthday cakes).

 

http://cakecentral.com/g/i/1301634/my-friend-tragically-lost-her-baby-last-year-aged-just-18-days-old-tomorrow-would-have-been-isabellas-first-birthday-and-my-friend-asked-me-if-id-make-a-cake-as-they-still-intend-to-commemorate-the-day/u/20877/flat/1/sort/upload_time/

kblickster Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 2:12am
post #8 of

Sorry for your loss.  I would probably stick with something very simple and probably in pastels.  Maybe some dainty piping.  I would think that angels would be very hard on the mother.  I have friend who lost a child several years ago.  She thinks the mother is worried that everyone will forget her child (maybe that she will too) and that having this party will insure that doesn't happen.  Here is a blog about another parent that had a child die around the time hers did.  http://thebrokenroad-tiffany.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-girl-is-dead.html  I read most of it after you posted this and I called her - if this blog doesn't break your heart - nothing will.

Annabakescakes Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 2:26am
post #9 of
Quote:
Originally Posted by BakingIrene 

I think a white iced sheet cake with white outlines or flat figures of angels, and the simple words "Remember Peyton" in light pink in the middle. Maybe TINY drop flowers on the sides and bottom, on top of a shell border.

 

The idea would be to remember the girl who did live for 3 months, but not to make it look too much like a birthday cake for a living child.

 

 

 

I agree completely. 

remnant3333 Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 2:31am

Sorry for your loss!! I will be praying for peace to your family!! I am 54 and when I was 5 my baby brother died of leukemia.  It is very hard on a mother and something that she will never forget. I talked to my mom the other day and she mentioned to me about it being my brother's birthday and how old he would have been then she broke down crying so my heart goes out to your family!!! I think the idea about the baby's name is a good idea.

yortma Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 2:46am

Relznik, 

 

your cake is simple, lovely and appropriate.  It brought tears to my eyes, and couldn't have been more perfect for the circumstances.

ginger6361 Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 2:48am

I would love to see the finished product. I lost my daughter a few years ago and have always wanted to do birthday cakes for her, but let people talk me out of it. Sorry for your loss..

nikki4199 Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 4:29am

Sorry for your loss!

Is your niece having a party?  Does she have colors picked out any decorations? Maybe that can help you feel your niece out and how she plans to celebrate. Then you can go from there with a theme.

tykesmommy Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:03am

AStay far far away from angel anything!!!! My second son was born August 3, 2010 and he passed away July 7, 2011. As a mother who had to watch her baby literally die in front of her, the thought of putting angels on a cake for Bentley makes me sick feeling. To me, that's sort of like him leaving all over again and I'd rather stay away from that. What was Peyton's room decorated in? What was in her crib? I would go more that direction. For Bentley, his cake was a light blue fondant cake with a zebra, giraffe, monkey, and other jungle animals and had polka dots on the sides.

tykesmommy Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:05am

Ahttps://www.facebook.com/Bentley.Pea****

tykesmommy Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:05am

AThe last part of that link is pea c o c k

hbquikcomjamesl Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:25am

Dunno what's worse, boards that force thread titles into title-case, with no way to override, or excessively aggressive profanity filters. The suggestion that you find out as much about the decorations and so forth as possible is the best yet: it will give you a window into what's on your niece's mind.

 

I grieve with thee.

tykesmommy Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:56am

AI'm sort of sorry for how this will probably sound, but oh my freaking goodness!!!! Are you kidding me!? Her wanting a birthday cake for her daughter is no reason to need therapy!!! My son would've been 2 on his birthday and ill be damned if somebody tells me I need therapy because I made him a cake. And the first anniversary of what? It's her birthday. Once a baby leaves, you don't just forget about it and continue on like they were never here. I'm going to shut up now before I get myself banned.

VanillaSky Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 6:30am

AMaybe a plainly frosted cake with a few butterflies instead of angels. I think butterflies signify hope and beauty but also have a more solemn quality. I'd use pale pastel colors, and not too many.

hbquikcomjamesl Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:01pm

Martin Luther King, Jr. died in 1968, and we still celebrate his birthday. Abraham Lincoln died in 1865, and we still celebrate his birthday. Beethoven died in 1827, and we still celebrate his birthday. George Washington died in 1799, and we still celebrate his birthday. Bach died in 1750, and we still celebrate his birthday.

 

Jesus died nearly two millennia ago, and we still celebrate his birthday.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean that the mother in this case doesn't need counseling, if she continues to celebrate the birthday of a baby who died in infancy. The real question is whether she is moving on, or whether she continues to live in the past.

 

And that is not something we, as strangers on a board, are in a position to determine.

remnant3333 Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:19pm

I grieve for any mother who lost their child.  It is a horrible thing.  Just know that one day when you get into Heaven you will see them again!!!! You will always have memories and no one can ever take the memories away from you.  My brother died 48 years ago and every year of my brother's birthday my mom still thinks of him!!! My prayers go out to all mothers whose child is now in Heaven with Jesus!!! One day we will meet them when we leave this earth and all be together again!!!! Until that time, may God give peace and comfort to those who are grieving!!!
 

FromScratchSF Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:19pm

No more comments about counseling.  It's completely inappropriate and I'm offended for the OP that this has even been suggested or discussed in this thread.  Help with design or keep your 2 cents to yourselves.

FromScratchSF Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:27pm

Also, this is a secular board.  Suggesting religious designs is OK, openly worshiping is not OK, no matter how appropriate it seems.

 

Thank you.

Relznik Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by yortma 

Relznik, 

 

your cake is simple, lovely and appropriate.  It brought tears to my eyes, and couldn't have been more perfect for the circumstances.


Thank you. x

FromScratchSF Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 5:36pm

This is my personal favorite Angel Baby cake.  I cried the 1st time I saw it.

 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=266694926732772&set=a.246665702069028.53041.119884171413849&type=1&theater

Godot Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 6:11pm

AAwesome cake, From Scratch. That empty chair says so much more than an entire cake full of dead baby angels.

-K8memphis Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 6:32pm

Oh wow how wonderfully done. with all the guests turned toward the chair ...

 

and the the precious little birthday cake and the little unoccupied birthday hat in the chair. Geez if I had to make that cake I'd need a botle of valium anda case of kleenex.

cakelover613 Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 7:50pm

Thank you all for the honest suggestions. I will avoid anything angels, and skip the bright cheery stuff. What a beautiful cake FromScratch. It does say a lot. I also love the cake you made Relznik. It's beautiful. I think I will go with something simple like that. Kblickster I did follow the link to the blog you suggested, and my goodness... It does though give a little insight into what my niece may be thinking and feeling. It must hurt so much.. I do agree she is afraid people will forget her baby girl. I would be afraid of the same. We all forget a little as time goes on, we forget the little things like how the person smells, the sound of their voice. Unfortunately my niece did not have very much time with Peyton, and there are many milestones that she will never see her reach and have that memory of her reaching. I can't even imagine the pain of never seeing your baby grow. Thank you all for your condolences and kind words. Our family has done the best we can in keeping Peyton's memory alive and to make sure she is always in our hearts.

kikiandkyle Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 11:30pm

AOne of my very closest friends lost her baby at 38 weeks gestation. We got together some money from her close friends and paid to dedicate a tree at the local botanical garden in his memory, and she goes there whenever she wants to be close to him. The tree we chose has flowers and so we all post pictures of that flower on our blogs on his birthday every year. You can do things like this at the park district, at the zoo, all kinds of places.

savannahquinn Posted 28 Dec 2012 , 11:42pm

Relznik's cake is beautiful....I think butterflies are the way to go so ethereal.

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